Misery On His End Would Be The Best!

Wow I haven't been away this long since the beginning of this blog and no, it ain't over yet -
The last few weeks have been filled with highs and lows(not in a bad way, but a fun way), stepping out with good friends ending summer in the manner I had hoped for when 2010 started. I'm still in cahoots with Jonathon, we always have a good time together. Stopping by the other day with his dogs, was an awesome experience. Ive been behaving or living at a much younger age range than I really am, but if I have to say, its been fun. Sure it has me run down after a while, but days like today I can rest and recoup. Sometimes the fun gets out of hand, but you know, its been years since Ive been able to let me hair down without worry. As Ive mentioned before, Rob was(at least acted) like he was on the straight and narrow, only to find out, after years of speculation, the Rob was in fact the worst person I had ever been involved with. Even Jonathon, in the short period I have known him, is a more honest, forth coming person than Rob was/is. If I ask Jonathon a question, a personal question at that, I am given an honest answer. Regardless if my feeling would get hurt or not, I appreciate the honesty. I told Jonathon that the one thing I have to have in order to keep any type of relationship, whether it be a friendship or relationship, is honesty, 100%. Rob didn't give me that for years. The lies and deceit went on for years and fool that I was, stuck around. That's all a thing of the past. A co worker the other day was reminiscing about a line I use when I'm hungry. She said, "when we would be in the car with Rob..." - I said, those days have been erased from my memory. Asked by another friend if I think of him or miss him. Not at all. What is there to miss really. What good was he in my life the last little while, the longest while? Having to live a life of mistrust and jealousy? That's nothing to be missed. Although I have told Jonathon, I don't want a relationship, not now, I'm not ready, its nice to have met someone like Jonathon, someone to hang with, go for drinks and play around with the pups, is more than enough right now. We are growing tight which is nice. A friendship based on liking the person for the person. Its the same with my fab friend Tim and his current love interest, Dave. Hanging out and being "Franco" is an awesome time. As summer draws to a close I wonder what my social life will be like. I have no issues being an introvert in the colder weather, that and the fact that Ive spent so much cash this summer on nights out. People like Jonathon, or my other friend Patrick who live in the hood or close by is a good feeling. I will continue to hang out with them and get to know them. Enjoy my time with them, good company and a good laugh. I know nothing of Rob over the last few months and with this, I'm cool. Its how I want it. I have honestly been a bit tempted to ask common friends, if they've heard from him. Not because I miss him cuz that is so not the case, but to ensure my life has changed for the better, that my life got better since kicking him out of my life. Misery on his end would the best to hear....
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Summer 2010 - I Made It My Own...

The last weekend of summer 2010 is here. Summers not officially over but its on its way out when this weekend rolls around. Ive had and am continuing to have fun, more fun this past summer, than Ive had in a long long time. I have lived my life to the extreme. Ive met some great people, been out and social like the person I always was but was suppressed while with Rob. This past summer Ive proved to myself that there is life to live and things to learn and explore. I continue with great friendship with Tim...someone Ive truly come to adore as a person and this he knows. Jonathon and I continue to get to know each other and see each other o n a fairly regular basis. Tim is a fun, yet conservative guy who gets on with me like a house on fire. I certain respects, there are similar qualities between Rob and Tim. The difference being that Tim is a completely honest gentleman with me. Hides nothing and we are just friends. Having gone through the odd drama while having him in my life, hes proven to be there for me in the most trivial of dramas and for that Im greatful. Jonathon is a "different" character and am going up and down on getting to know him. The thought of having someone in my life again in a different capacity is still frightening to me. I dont want to relive, as Ive said a million times over, what Rob put me through. This slow process of getting to know Jonathon is at a pace Im ok with and want it to flourish more. We both like each other, have fun together and enjoy each others company so a good start. For many years, through summer and most of the year really...after the weekends, as Ive said, there was nothing to ever say, we never did anything and lived like monks pretty much. Staying home getting high. Sure I still like doing that, but there is a world out there, life is out there, people are out there. We were shut ins and pathetically wasted many years. Im petty sure Robs pitiful existence is pretty much the same. I'd be blown away to hear otherwise.
Life is faster these days both good and bad I guess. Im glad that I am able to live how I want and make it, no troubles. I really see now a year+ on that Rob really wasnt any good for me in any capacity, well maybe as a driver and one who paid half the rent. I still hate that man for being what he is and doing what he did. I never think of him and glad on that front as well. When there are such wonderful characters in my life like, Tim and Jonathon and few others, why would I dwell on the tragic life I led years back with Rob. A learning experience it was, for all the wrong lessons and reasons, yet something that is stashed away deep in a corner as something more of an embarrassment and waste of my years and energy.
Summer 2010 - I worked it, I owned it and I made it my own!

Life Is What It Should Have Been Years Ago..

A week has come and gone already. Been keeping busy with downtown living. Its incredible how my life is so drastically different!! I think I was home on Wednesday only...lol. Out tonight as well as maybe tomorrow night. Was with Jonathon last night. What a difference in people, between Rob and Jonathon. Now Jonathon and I arent "dating" per se, but would look like it to anyone else. We see each other about once twice a week, when his schedule permits. When we get together its so much fun. We drink and laugh together about dumb stuff. Cute dumb stuff. Waking up next to him has been the best part. Hes adorable even when he sleep where as Rob looked like he was in pain laying there. Sexually its night and day which is awesome - Rob was so lame in comparison its ridiculous but ive explained about Rob sexually. Talking to friends today about the 2, I mentioned that, for the fact that Rob cheated is why I threw him out, otherwise why would I give that up? I explained how one year we had had sex 5 times, how the following year nothing. One friend asked why..I told her, he wasnt shaggin with me, he was out getting elsewhere, just not with me. She asked how long did he do that. I said that it was pretty much the entire time, I remember maybe a 2, 3 year window where I had no suspicions of anything going on. Recalling the letter I posted on the wall at Northcliffe, telling him I found out what he was up to, my friend said that was disgusting. Exactly! And the fool I was who put up with it. Robs disgusting past and present filtered its way into my life and I no longer had time, patience and certainly didnt deserve it! Being with Jonathon, to me is so special. I feel attractive and fun to be with. Seeing this "friendship" is different from others, its nice that someone feels attracted to me to share my bed. Not some ridiculous, slutty one night stand. Staying the night, waking up next to him, cuddling with him, and kissing him, hes an awesome kisser and so gets into it. Rob if he is with anyone, must be boring them in many ways, but sexually for sure. Meeting these new people in my life has put such a spin on my living life. Life in fun, life is what it should have been a long time back.
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Grateful For This Experience...

This week started on an interesting route. Both exhausting and fun at the same time. Having a get together with a special friend of mine, which resulted with my friend spending the night. Now this is someone fairly new in my life and an interesting character to say the least. We are in the "getting to know one another" phase of this friendship, testing waters, hanging out or going for drinks. A few romantic interludes have occurred, I will admit. Most, if any sexual trysts I've had, have resulted, unfortunately as one timers...So the fact that its on going is new. Sexually, with having Rob as my sexual partner for about 15 years, thats what I compare to or associate with etc. Can I tell you how stiff Rob looks next to this guy and not in a good way?! I was always more sexual than Rob, wanting to try new things, or the more aggressive one. Rob was boring that way. Rob could only be touched in certain places, wouldnt let you "help" him out but it went on. I described one tryst with this new friend to a gal pal as, pornographic, spilling into the next morning. A sexual energy like Robs pales in comparison and think, that more than likely he is still the same. the term, "being with a man" has taken on a different meaning to me. Passion is revived, passion that died way too long back. Meeting someone with such a different character is nice. Not ones that live by protocol...Rob was always trying to "do the right thing", but it, at times irritated me. Im more one to not go or attend something if I didnt want to, and could care less what people would say. Not the best of attitudes maybe, but thats just me :) This new guy seems that way as well. Its nice to want to get to know someone you want to get to know. Someone who wants to see you, its a great feeling. This morning, could possibly the last time I see this friend, you never know, but he made me experience something I hadnt in such a long time. Feeling attractive and interesting is a new feeling as well. With Rob, I felt unattractive, non sexual and pretty much just an object that shared a living space. With this new friend of mine, I feel attractive, intelligent, witty and sensual. Im taking things slower than ever and again, anything can happen in a good way or bad way, but am grateful for this "different" experience.
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Im Living In True Happiness..

Yesterday I went to the wedding of 2 dear friends of mine. We all knew it would happen and it was great to see the day finally come and them 2 so happy, was also an honor to be invited, so to them I say, thank you.
Looking at the 2 of them, thinking back all the years Ive known them, theyve been together as long as Ive known them. Regardless, they have ups and downs, do separate things, their own lives and their lives together. It's nice to see and nice to know it exists out there, true love and happiness. If I have to think back to my days with Rob, there was so much wrong. Ive said it a million times before on this blog, actually I will continue to always say it, as its how the cookie crumbled. There was no trust and thats the biggest thing for me, and people in my life. I dont like liars and people I cant trust. My newly married friends never had an issue with this. Years back when we were all "dating" our other halves, at the time, we used to be called, "The First Wives Club". Lunch would be a bitch fest about the old "ball and chain". My main deal with Rob was sex and trust. Others would have issues with the other half, working late too often, money woes and so on. Never did the gal pals I lunched with, ever mention turst as an issue. Catching them with numbers, pills in purses, strange messages, emails sent. Rob was the one guilty of these actions. For this reason, well the trust issue, for this reason and only this reason, our time together was a sham as Ive mentioned before. Wishing to be as happy as I saw my friends yesterday, was not possible with Rob. It could never be as the single most important key element wasnt there and hadnt been for too many years. Ive said before how Rob and I were in "habit" form, there no longer was a relationship per se, it was going through the motions and that became tiresome after his antics never let up. The year and a bit I have been alone, has been adventurous, at times, confusing, a time of self discovery, the day to day survival in the big city... making it through everyday - not at all like the last 15 before this. Im a different person, a person I love, a person and a character I enjoy. Relationships, though not in one and no desire, the thought of them terrifies me. My "trysts" sometimes scare me as Ive met some great guys, in many ways, and Im a sucker and can fall fast. Intelligent, different, sexy and sweet and all real men. The different part is probably one of the most attractive traits in a man. Different to Rob was almost taboo. Funny how things turn, the road you end up traveling on.
In ending this entry...Im thrilled for my friends who fully committed to each other yesterday, I wish them a life of happiness and its nice to know, for the time being at least, in my life, Im living in true happiness!
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The 13th Should Have Been A Sign....

I realized last night as I was stepping out for a night out, that it was my old anniversary with that whore, Rob. Figures we got together on a Friday, the 13th of August, back in 93...here we are, same day of the week etc...odd. So I decided what better way to celebrate my freedom from that scum but with a night out with a friend of mine. A fun time was had last night, going to bars I don't generally go to, being introduced to some funny characters that made the night colorful. The end of the night was spent on the road, yakking to people, familiar faces and a good laugh and one too many vodkas and water, but hey I was celebrating :)
Life the last few weeks has been some what, fast living. I need to slow it down if only for my pocketbook but it has been allot of fun. This is the summer of me and I'm living it.
I have a boy im into and he is as well, so slowly we are getting to know each other and that too is a nice feeling. Being as happy as I have been the last few months, makes me wonder what my life would have been like, if a) I had stayed with Rob, and b)if I had dumped him years back when I should have. The latter is what I should have done but fear of the unknown more than likely delayed that. Although living where I do now, I feel away from friends and family, it is an experience in living alone. When I threw Rob out, sure I was then at Regal Rd all alone, but friends were literally around the corner. Here in my neck of the woods these days, Im getting to know people in my area, none I would call friends just yet, but I am slowly getting there, quicker than it happened at Regal Rd. If I had stayed with Rob I would have been living a miserable existence , especially having experienced what I have this summer alone. Friday the 13th, used to be a special day for me, years ago. Today I realize that its a jinx, its bad luck and that should have been a sign almost 20 years back!

Good Time Is Cont'd To Be Had....

The other night, late at night I got a call from Jonathon. Seemed he finally had a kick ass day at work, it was nice to hear him all thrilled after work. I remember with Rob, his miserable rants about work, daily! - I recall summers especially with him were rough. Hours after we got home, Rob would go on about work. Im the type of guy that usually, after Ive clocked out, Ive left work at work. My time is precious to me, too precious to waste mulling about work once Im done for the day. Weekends as Ive mentioned were lame with Rob, living in general was wasted time I realize now. Jonathon, still being new in my life, has brought on feelings that I dont like, and dont want to feel just yet. During our conversation the other night, I finally expressed my feelings towards him. It was ballsy of me to do so, and thank you mr liquid courage. Tomorrow Jonathon and I will be gettin together for a movie night. Some grub, drink and a flick. A relaxed evening with great company which is more that I would say about Rob. I hated every night with him, especially the last few years...no excitement, nothing to look forward to, nothing to fantasize about, no adventures - nothing. If it wasnt for my love of travel, no fun would be had. The only time we had a half decent time together, again especially near the end, was when we were on holiday together. Even then at times he was lame. I remember him getting pissy with me in Africa when I kept on drinkin with fellow travelers into the night, he was a stick in the mud at the best of times, but I was in Africa! I find with Jonathon so far that Im excited again. I want to know him so well, understand him. Finding out how someone functions is a thrill and gives me that funny feeling. I stopped off and bought a few things for him, for our movie night, I like doing that...I miss that feeling of wanting to do something like that. I dont expect much from Jonathon, except good friendship and going from there. We have discussed that if this goes anywhere, it will be at a very slow pace. Im not lookin for a new lover or partner, should it happen, then so be it, I will let the chips fall where they may. I have great friends these days, one in particular who is, or started as my "mentor" and for him Im grateful. Bringing Jonathon into my life is also a blessing that I thank Krishna for. Im going to ride this wave of fun and hope a good time is continued to be had....
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Time Wasted With Rob - My Biggest Regret!!

Well another summer weekend upon us. Spent some time with Jonathon yesterday was nice. A bite to eat and after some "home" drama, we went to his place. He lives in a condo down the road. Was nice to be with someone who has their own place. Unlike Rob, I had to go to mummys place when we went to "his place" - The idiot still lives at home like a kid. Someone again, I forget who, asked how long Rob and I were together and when I told them they were shocked. People dont realise that allot of my younger years were spent with my then partner, from 22 to 38 - thats a long time. I have to say Im proud that I know I was able to dedicate, commit to someone for that long. In dating Jonathon, I find that Im not so concerned about committing full on. Im enjoying hanging out, meeting his pets, goin for a drink or just hanging out at my place. Its nice to get to know someone little by little. Its all new to me and Im enjoying it. I hate the fact that, as much as I despise every ounce of that queer mess, Rob, when I tell tales, he's usually part of them, having done whatever I did with him. My friend Kristie said to me, to start saying, "years ago I..." so Ill have to try and incorporate that into my vocabulary. Jonathan is a colorful character, in many ways. Rob was dull as dishwater, especially that last little while. Jonathon admits to a colorful past and at this age, most people have one..I have grown to accept that, we arent 18 yr old virgins anymore. Jonathon admits to his past and present for that matter, although we arent committed to each other, just dating, he doesnt hide it from me. Rob, while we were committed to each other, didnt admit anything and did everything behind my back. That is the difference that broke trust between us. By having Jonathon be totally open with me, in telling me what his life is like, what he does etc, is refreshing in the sense that, I dont feel like I need to poke around for info. Sure I ask questions as does he...He isnt afraid to tell me like it is..I find Jonathon to be a cute little thing that is growing on me. Im glad we met up and whatever comes of it comes of it. While having a bite to eat, talk in about weight and all that, what we eat and what not, seeing as he is so thin and can scarf anything down and not put on a pound...I said to him, call me in 5 years when youve gained weight, he said, "Better yet, come see me" - which was nice. I will...Rob was so secretive, so secluded, so boring. Jonathon is the complete opposite and a welcomed change..Time wasted with Rob is my biggest regret!

Jonathon, A Breath Of Fresh Air, Rob Is Stale Air....

Wow...the weekend I just experienced was one like never before. Meeting up with Jonathon again, Sunday night and into Monday morning. Was such a romantic and exciting time, erotic to the extreme. Being with someone like him is awesome, brings happiness to another level. He is sweet, sexy and great to snuggle up to, on the sofa, or in my bed. Playing with him is much different than it was with Rob - as they do have a few things in common that way(physically). Theres a freedom with Jonathon, theres a thrill with Jonathon, that was never there with Rob. Im not gonna sit here and say Rob and I didnt have a few fun "escapades" but there were limits in the bedroom, Mainly Robs hang ups...With Jonathon, there is none of that. We spoke ab out dating one another, something that terrifies me as I dont want to relive the bullshit that Rob put me through. A few differences between the 2. Rob would never admit to being a slag, not that Jonathon is, but his past is what it is and theres no jumpin around it. No beating around the bush like Rob would do. At the same time, talking about monogamy...Now Rob in theory may think he was a monogamous lover - NOT!!!! Pretty much from the beginning. This I was telling to Jonathon, and that I was a fool for putting up with it. He went on to tell me that his relationship of 8 years, his first one, ended when his then partner cheated on him. Seems we have that in common. He likes to dedicate himself to the one guy which is nice to hear. I do miss him when he isnt around, where as for Rob, I couldnt wait for him to get lost. I know tonight Ill miss cuddling up with him tonight, snugglin in bed alone tonight will be different. For the first time since dumping Rob's slutty ass out the door, I feel like, this one I want to get to know. Its not just sex between Jonathon and I, we talk, there are decent conversations, tales of the past, both good and bad. Today as we lay in bed and talkin about our pets, he mentioned one of his pets that passed on earlier this year, and he got a tear in his eye...he looked so sweet as he looked at me, telling the tale. Jonathon isnt some wimpy, depressed whore fag, like Rob is - A complete turn around from that actually. I told Jonathon last night how I cant wait to see him again, to which he said the same. Him asking to bring my lips closer to his as we sat on a patio last night was such a sexy thing, a sexy moment. Waking up next to him is awesome. Rob would lay there like a corpse or roll over to ignore me, to sleep more or whatever it was...Jonathon, opens his eyes, kisses me, and lays there with me, makes me feel special. As he left this afternoon, we went to the door to grab his shoes...he sat on the floor putting his shoes on, I joined him on the floor and we sat there like 2 school kids enjoying one anothers company, giggling and what not. Im not in love with anyone at the moment, but am definitely interested in getting to know Jonathon, spending more time with him...This is totally different than when I met Rob, this is more exciting, more sensual and more stimulating. I could potentially not see Jonathon again, and the 2 nights weve spent together so far were more fun that I had with Rob, the last 10 years together. Jonathon is a breath of fresh air, Rob is stale air....
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Rob Wasnt My Kind Of People....

Summer long weekends always bring on a slew of fun! This long weekend is no exception and its only just begun. When I was with Rob, the idea of long weekends, in theory, was something to look forward to, until it would be the last day of the long weekend and we had done absolutely nothing! A total waste of time, with my then dull partner, Rob. This weekend so far, brought on an awesome encounter with a guy I met. His name is Jonathon. A sweet boy who lives down the road - we met up for drinks and a chat...was very romantic in an odd way... Eventually found our way back to my place for a drink and then some. Hanging around with him was so nice and allot of fun. Sure we are different in so many ways, but thats what makes it interesting. In the end, with Rob and I, there was nothing interesting. He was dull and lifeless and had been for years. With Jonathon, it was like a breath of fresh air. I had him spend the night, if only due to our being inebriated and not wanting to take a chance on him losing his was down the road. Waking up together was nice. Looking over and seeing him next to me was sweet, and was nice to go wake him up with a kiss on the lips. We dragged out asses on the sofa for a romantic morning. Its how most mornings should start. It was never this way with Rob, like I said, dull and lifeless. Jonathon had the most beautiful blue eyes and I loved staring at them, looking in them. Jonathon found me attractive and sexy and kissable, among other things. It was a marathon of kissing and touching and...you know. Something Ive not experienced in a long time. Jonathon is set on seeing me again which is a great feeling, a mutual feeling. Telling me Im witty and a great person to talk to and the same goes with him. He makes me smile and laugh. A date gone well was nice. What I did that evening with Jonathon was something I very rarely do, but am glad I took the plunge. When Rob would meet up it would be for anonymous faceless slutty behavior and would then find his way back to me, Im not that trashy. There is a face, a personality and sexual lust between the two of us, that Rob and I experience only in the beginning, as sex the last 10 years together was boring as all hell. My night with Jonathon was like nothing I experienced with Rob for the longest time. Being able to touch him as I pleased was new to me again. Rob was fickle on how he could be touched in the physical manner. With Jonathon, this wasnt the case. Im looking forward to getting to know Jonathon and having more fun with him. A cute guy with a great personality who likes me, really likes me...Rob I may have loved til the end, but I didnt like Rob, he wasnt my kind of people anymore...
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The Joke Really Was On Rob...

Seems to me that I'm not ready for anything beyond friendship. This is something Rob left with me, insecurity to commit or trust - I have a special friend whom i think the world of but cant let it go past what it currently is. Thoughts of spending all my time with him fill me up with a joyous yet scary feeling. Do I want to invest that time into someone again, at this point in my life? I think back to what happened with Rob, rather, what Rob did to me and really, don't wanna go there again, not for a long time. I'm not saying my special friend would do that..but who can say. The first night we hung out, when he leaned over to kiss me, was magical. Not wanting to leave me until his lips were satisfied, made me sleep with a smile on my face. Feeling his lips on mine was so sensual. Rob left me with feelings that all queers are like him. Though Ive come to realize through new friends, that it isn't necessarily so, when push comes to shove, in respect to letting someone in my life, to that capacity, I freeze. Spending time with this special friend is something I look forward to. Ive told him, how hes the type of guy who, i would drop everything to be with, hang out with. Even going for a coffee, or running a quick errand is an adventure in fun. Flopped on my sofa, watching a comedy program, enjoying a laugh together is a sweet feeling. I remember those with Rob, sure at that point it was as if there was nothing else in the world. Only to find that I was enjoying my time, with the most selfish, promiscuous(unbeknown to me at the time) untrustworthy person I had ever met. Rob played the best game on me and got away with it for too many years. As Ive said, I had enough and got the balls to move on, get rid of him and realize I'm worth so much more. Friends have made me realize this. Men interested in me, have made me realize this. Though I wont let this special friendship go any deeper at this time, I also feel I'm not ready. In my mind I like to think I am, but when those romantic interludes take place, when its that moment where I'm feeling very wanted, I kinda pull back, with someone special. A one night stand is a one night stand. Who remembers the names? Its a mutual thing that we really only want one thing from each other. During my first summer alone, after meeting a few guys here and there, when they didn't call back, or I didn't have the desire to call them back, nothing was lost. I didn't care. With this friend I don't want to lose him from my life. Its just started and weve hit it off on the right foot, and Id like for it to stay that way, until I may feel I want more. Recounting tales of days gone by with Rob is more of a joke these days. Though he is the one who put me through hell with his slutty shenanigans, the joke really was on him!
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Dust To Dust....

Another summer weekend of fun, that isn't over just yet. Today I will spend the afternoon with my friend. I really look forward to seeing some of the new people in my life, with such anticipation! I remember when I was with Rob...we all look forward to the weekends, not when I was with Rob! Time for fun, time to relax from the week of work and so on. When I was with Rob, the last 5, 6 and even 7 years, there was never anything to look forward to. Our weekends were so predictable, life in general was predictable, but the weekends were the worst. It was always the same...wake up whenever, sit around have coffee and flop in front of the TV for a few hours. At around 2pm or so, get changed and go out to run the same old errands....be home usually by 4 or so...dinner and a spliff and the evenings in front of the tube. This is when i would retreat to my desk, which was in the living area, but I would float away into my own world. A world and a life I was missing out on. Never anything fun or new to tell people when they asked, "How was the weekend" - it was always the same. Today and for the last 10 months or so, life has taken a turn. Just about every weekend, theres some tale to tell...People seem more interested, as the tales have changed. Rob probably still lives in the routine we were in. Doing nothing but sleeping and flopping in front of the sofa, til the weekend was over, and then back to the daily grind of the work week. I'm sure he is still the promiscuous whore still, the late night anonymous hook up with face less strangers....That will never change I'm sure. I recall one tale he told me. He went to meet some guy for a hook up - did the deed, Rob then called a cab. The trick of the night said the cab had arrived, when in fact it hadnt. Rob was left out in the cold to wait, poor slag. He was just a play thing for the trick of the night. This is not the same with me, thank god. Being out with my friend the other day, til past 3am, laughing and talking, messing around and drinking...good times. The last 2, 3 weeks or so, after meeting my friend Patrick, nights out during the week have happened as well. Interesting as Ive not done that, not for a long time. Rob and I were lucky to step out on weekends, apart from the routine outings, during the weekend, let alone Monday to Friday! I so look forward to my encounters, escapades with my new friends. Some of these friendships are already cemented as true friendships, and building and working on others. Life seems so simple these days, its how I am, it how I want to live. The most drama I have these days is, "Does he like me?" - not in a relationship way, but as friend as a person. Its nice to be myself with new friends. Its not til I can shoot my mouth off and not offend, that I know its a good friendship. People who get my twisted sense of humor. The guy I went out with Friday, whom Ive known for about a year, tells me I'm a true character, and in a good way. That's so nice to hear, nice to know I can be Franco, and be liked at the same time. Today as Ive mentioned Ill spend it with my friend Patrick who, over the last month or so, has brought something special into my life....Something I haven't felt in such a long time. The laughter in genuine, the feelings of wanting to be with him are genuine, scary and new, but all good. With Rob there was no wanting to spend time with him alone, especially near the end. I couldn't wait for him to be gone and now he has vanished - as in death they say,
"Ashes to ashes and dust to dust"...
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Rob Was Never Any Good - My Life Is Better!

The last few days have been a roller coaster of fun -
From Sunday night madness, to drink with a good friend, drinks the next night with a guy im interested in. Its been different. Its been fast living!! Ive enjoyed it and need time to recoup. Life is so interesting these days. Having told old friends of feelings towards someone new in my life, I was told how, even they(my friends know), I havent felt "special" in a long time. One friend said how, Rob and I should have split a long time back. How Rob did nothin but cause drama the last little while. Having told this "special" friend that Im not lookin for a relationship was tough. This one person has me all ga ga. I feel so good when Im with him. Hes attractive, sexy and most of all, makes me laugh like no other, in a long long time. Ive put up my wall, but seems that this guy is tearing it down, but I hold strong and too my word. One night stands are one thing, to let someone in my life like I would with him, is scary. Ive never let anyone in my home, anyone "special" at least. With this new guy, I opened my door right away. Nothing will come of it, as I wont let it, but its nice to have found someone who can make me feel so good. Getting to know people the way I am with this "friend" is refreshing. Im done with the trashy types like Rob. I love getting dolled up for this guy, but its all a psychological, hard to get phase. I hope it doesnt go beyond that. I dont want to get hurt again. Rob did a good enough job of that. Rob is the one whose made me less trusting, and not wanting to let anyone in my life. Its nice to meet guys who I would allow in my home. Who I would easily trust with certain things, though again, that wall I have up, my guard, is tough one to break down. Rob ruined me in many ways, Ive helped myself. Ive grown to understand some things in regards to men. A good guy like my new friend, is hard to find. Baby steps is where its at, at the moment and its all good with me. Rob, was never any good & my life is much better!

1 Year On - Kicks Ass!

I made a comment a few entries ago about it being a year since I last spoke to Rob, that was the day we passed by each other. I was wrong, a month premature. Today, July 15th, marks 1 year when Rob confessed to me, rather answered the question, if he had cheated on me, to which he responded yes. 365 days since my world turned upside down. If you've read this blog, especially after that day, you will see how much has changed, what twists and turns my life has taken, all for the better, than it was 366 days ago. I will mark this anniversary of sorts, with a night out with a new, special friend. Its nice to have this special friend, its brought more sunshine into my life. Ive said it before how, someone new whom I am slowly getting to know, has made me feel, makes me feel so special and much more laxed than I was with Rob. Sure there was ease with Rob, but there were always thoughts. Thoughts that would be confirmed by Rob, negative thoughts. I don't have that today. Its not something I have to think about. Not all homosexuals are trashy like Rob. Ive come to learn this as the months have passed. Sure Ive met some trash, it cant be avoided. What can be avoided is letting them into my life and this I haven't let happen. I have a few special friends whom I think the world of. Again, never did I think this would be the case. This new chapter has had very few let downs. Sure there is the odd "blah" phase I/we go through. These phases are easier to deal with these days. With Rob, the question was always, "when will it happen again?" - "What will I found out next?" - thinking things couldn't get worse with Rob, they always did. I have buried the last 15 years of my life with Rob. Patrick, a friend, is amazed how we dont even speak after all this time. I'm the one who went through it, no one else, that I know of. Again I can openly talk about experiences from my past, which include Rob, but the fact that he is in any of these tales, is due to his stupidity. I laugh at things more these days. I told a friend how, I have erased Rob from my past, to this they are amazed. Ive said it before, and its not to play victim as I'm so not that, its to be honest and truthful. No one ever has hurt me like Rob did. When I was dating Doug 17+ years ago, I found out he was cheating on me, I left, it was over and it was done with. I never saw him again and cut the cord. It wasn't a back and forth, "is he with someone again?" - I ended it and it was enough. Rob went through a cycle, a 15+ year cycle, a repetitive cycle that would never end. The mind fucks he played on me had an effect. This is why having my special friend is a blessing. Never did I think I could welcome someone like him in my home, but I have. Its a nice feeling and look forward to more evenings like I will have this evening. Dating Rob was an experience yes...an experience I never wish to relive!
1 Year on...kicks ass!!
x

Until I Shook Our World..

Well it seems the heatwave has lifted, for now. 5 days of intense heat brought on extreme laziness, that too has lifted. Last night I went out with some friends, celebrating ones birthday, we again, with one person in particular, discussed relationships. This friend of friends, yesterday had split with he boyfriend of a few months, and they were living together. In between courses I would go out for a smoke, taking different people with me. At one point I took a gal pal with me and we discussed how this common friend shouldn't be in a relationship. There are times you are meant to be alone, not committed to anyone. Live your life but don't commit, especially, if you cant. The concept of open relationships, doesn't sit well with me, that isn't commitment. Having gone through the crap Rob put me through, keeps me clear from wanting to get to know anyone to that capacity, though there is Patrick, who I'm enjoying getting to know. He seems a great guy and that will go slowly, ever so slowly. Back to this friend of friends...he would tell of "one off hook ups" while with his boyfriends. I told him how I did not sleep with anyone for 13 years while with Rob, with Rob all the while, doing whatever he wanted, without my knowing. He was clever for a short while, but I caught on. Patrick the other day said, it was sort of my fault. I guess for sticking around. I told a friend how my relationship with Rob should have ended about 3 years earlier than it did, if not earlier than that, as he had cheated on me back in the 90's and numerous times. If you cant keep your pants on when you share your bed with someone, when you devote yourself to someone, you are not to be in a relationship. What is the point?? I'm old fashioned and again, proud of that. My definition of "a relationship" is the boy meets girl scenario or rather boy meets boy. If you're just dating I can understand seeing other people. Dating doesn't imply commitment unless its discussed. No unspoken words in that situation. It has to be made clear. Once Rob asked me to be his boyfriend on that fateful night in Aug 93, I swore off other guys and did so, right through til 2006. I am proud to say that. That I was faithful and trustworthy throughout my time. Rob like this friend of friends, shouldn't be in a relationship. If its a status thing, its the wrong reason. It was nice to say to people that I had been in a relationship as long as I was until I found out the truth. Now its almost an embarrassment. More for the fact that I knew, Rob knew, that our relationship was tainted due to his early infidelities. That would change the course of our time together. Trust was gone and I made it clear to Rob, yet I stuck around. I guess this would be why Patrick would say, to a point, it is my fault. Putting myself through all that. I guess to an extent I can understand that, but dont buy it ha ha. I know I should have left Rob years ago. It wasnt a money thing, or a sexual thing, it was that he became my best friend. I said it before that Rob lost his best friend and I lost mine cuz he stabbed me in that back. Nothing could have carried on in a normal way, once that had happened. I recall many times calling Rob a whore or a slag. He was. Its was he always was and would remain to this day. In ending this, the friend of a friends, is promiscuous, thats his deal. Rob was very promiscuous, and thats fine, so long as he isnt committed to anyone. Ive learned lots within the last year, Rob never learned as things never changed...Until I shook our world...
x

He Has Nothing To Be Proud Of..

Wow!! 4 days of non stop outings, get togethers, drinking, eating, loud music and crowds...has ended. Spent everyday of those 4 days with the greatest of people. The best was yesterday when my best gal pals joined me here in the heart of all the action. Having them around was nice and wished it didn't end. Having met a new friend, that I mentioned in a previous post, who I invited over to spend the day with us...the conversations were good and stimulating, something I long for, stimulating conversation. We(my new friend and I) were telling tales of Friday night, going through crowds, under the influence of alcohol and such...laughing about bumping into the wrong people. Ive told my new friend, whose name is Patrick, about the bitterness of my last relationship with Rob, he likes to analyze that situation, I guess, in an interesting way. I told, as we went through the crowds, how the other week I walked right by Rob without a word spoken. No sooner did I say that, that Patrick was spotted by his ex who hadn't spoken to in about 7 years or so. While sitting on the balcony yesterday with all of us together, he asked the girls if they knew my ex, and then told the story of bumping into his. We spoke about a neighbour of mine who we have known for years and used to work with. He recently broke up, and we think it was a mutual split, amicable...one friend said, "you see they can end on a good note." - Sure they can, Ive had "happy endings" - with Neil for example. But what Rob did to me, the lies, the infidelities and what not, it couldn't possibly end in a good way. The girls even told Patrick, what a bitter end to my relationship after 15 years. I'm proud that I don't need Rob, better still, the fact that I don't want to know him, of him...anything. Its funny to tell stories of days gone by and like Ive said, I'm more comfortable these days telling the tales, I think that's due to my being so over it. Patrick thinks that I will get over the bitterness, I'm sure I will, its nothing I think about really. I do know I want to never see or speak to him and that part, not speaking to him, I have total control over. Patrick has quickly grown on me which is nice. Its as if I want to hang out more and seems he wants the same. A "gay"bourhood friend. He makes me laugh and we have a good time together so far. Tim was also down this weekend and we hung out both times he was around. A laugh on Saturday evening was great. Hours of laughter and bitchy comments towards each other, in a friendly way, which sort of confirms we are pretty solid as friends . We can laugh and have a good chat, drink or dance the night away or just laugh and have a good time. I'm pleased with how this weekend went and long for more of these weekends. I hope and pray that, the ex had a miserable pride weekend, cuz really, he has nothing to be proud of.
x

An Awesome Night...

Pride 2010 is upon us...I'm not one to scream my pride, that's not my style...but I love a good party and could care less whose throwing it and the why...lol. Last night was no exception. I went out with a "new" friend. We met up for a bite earlier in the day and then he decided he wanted to get together later on in the evening, I obliged. The night was spent laughing like I haven't in eons. A wicked sense of humor had me in stitches for the most part of the evening and early morning. The night was ended an a great note, plans to see each other again. This friend & I have been yakking for about a year or so on MSN...for whatever reason when he messaged me yesterday asking to go for a bite I said yes, I never do that, but was feeling up to a challenge. We hit it off, which I guess is why he asked to meet up later on. Back at my place after a few drinks, watching the madness down below was nice...sorta romantic as well. Now I made it clear I don't "hook up" - so I stick to my word. I guess psychologically its sorta playing hard to get at the same time. I wont be any ones play thing...that's my decision to make. So if they re interested they'll go for the chase ha ha. I had a feeling the way he was looking at me during lunch that he may be interested. Anyways, the night ended with a lip lock and got real close to it going further, but didn't want to be a hypocrite, not to myself at least, so it stopped. He was sweet, as he left the apt, waiting for the elevator, I being the good host waited as he waited for the lift. Taking as long as it did, he came back for another "good night kiss" - it was very sensual but had to stop it from going beyond. I cant let anyone in to that extent, that easily. People talk ya know ha ha. But its nice it was a great feeling. Something Ive missed for a while. I wouldn't technically call it a date, but in an odd way it was. He asked a million questions about my ex, and the lifestyle we led. He was sorta shocked at some of the things I said, but chalked it all up to experience, bad at that, but none the less...We left off with plans to meet up again. It makes me nervous as I never know if I will give in and have that be the wrong thing. I don't want to shag and just be left, but then I'm not looking to get involved, so what is my hesitation? I want someone to be with me cuz they are attracted to some part of me - I don't want be just "a body", there for play and then go, I had enough of that with Rob. I'm cool with 1 night stands, but that's usually with complete strangers - last night was different to a degree, getting to learn about one another, interested in what we each had to say, it was different and nice and didn't want to spoil that... I will carry on with the "festivities" this weekend, meeting up with other friends, so maybe it will take away from thoughts of last night. I haven't done the pride things since about 6-7 years back, with Rob and it was dull at that, so i never wanted to venture out, but last night was awesome and if its any indication of the rest of the weekend, I will definitely need Monday to recoup -
Thanks for an awesome night, u know who you are....
x

A Bad Love Vanished * Perfect!

This weekend is weird, a holiday near weeks end, so its, work, no work, work, weekend, day off...this a "clouded entry";)
Today I went out with a friend for lunch and a few drinks. An early evening cuz I wanted to be home and chill as tomorrow is "work". Regardless a great day was had. Its weird how, when in conversation with my friend, it flows so nicely and a good laugh a good time is had. Its nice to come home feeling good and that time was well spent. My friend went on about finding me a boyfriend. Now this is the friend who encouraged me to "get out there" and usually when Ive gone out, its been with him, usually. Anyways, I did look across at this rather large patio, in general. To be honest, nothing out there caught my interest, but when I go out its not for that purpose so I may have been in a different mindset? I have another "email pen pal" who suggests that the only reason to go to bars or clubs is to get picked up...This I don't believe this as my objective when I go out, is to just have a good laugh with company. I thought I would be one of these, relationship to relationship type. This is at least how it happened, or seemed. At this point, a year on, I have 0 desrire to be involved with anyone. The friendship I have with the friend I went out with today, is the closest Ive let anyone in...and theres nothing other than flirting between us, which works. Its weird how being with this friend, I feel more comfortable with him, than I did for the last while with Rob. I couldn't laugh the way I do today. I think being happier in general helps. Words aren't misconstrued, humor is understood. I know my friend cares for me too which is a nice feeling. I have my group of friends, which are shared, this friend is all my own, so its a great feeling. I told him I spoke highly of him, and I do. With Rob I never just said good things. I would bitch about things he would, or irritate me with. It's also nice that I can be me. When Ive met people, I always have to watch how the react to certain things. One thing I am not, is an activist of any kind. I will support things, but that's it. With gay pride in the days ahead, while sitting at the patio, we kept hearing, "Happy Pride", kiss kiss,...We both were annoyed by that. I was thrilled!!! Rob on the other hand would have gotten really insulted at that, as if pride is, "New Years"? Regardless and in short, its nice I can have such a nice time and not think of anything other than that. No arguments, no bitching, no bitterness. A true friend I have.
A bad love vanished * Perfect!
x

Karma is a bitch

This entry isn't really a nice one to be honest. But this blog in a window into my mind, the good, fun, bad and twisted. Id consider this, bad - but I get it off my chest....Carry on now -
Today while at work, a common acquaintance of both Rob and myself, told me of an accident in the Santa household. Granted and unfortunately, this doesn't involve Rob,himself. Seems, after a ceremony celebrating "the lord", while exiting the "house of god" - Momma S had an unfortunate fall. From what I'm told, she broke her wrist and hit her head, apparently bleeding from some part of her head, falling down some cement stairs upon her exit. Now granted I am a bit cold even in regards to Rob's mom, only for sending on that message, via a gal pal which read, "Thank Franco for all that he's doing to my son"...? - That irritated me back then and caused a break in my feelings for her as well. So hearing she fell, didn't upset me. My friend spoke to me, as if to say, I should wish her well. My response when she told me was, "you know how I feel about that family", and I would nod my head as she told the tale. What makes me glad in this scenario is that Rob will probably be traumatized...Hearing and possibly knowing, that he is worrying, or even scared of how this "accident" will affect his mom..makes me giggle. An evil giggle I will admit, none the less, a giggle. You see, so long as I know that anything negative is in his life, it makes me happy. If my friends were to read this, they would think what a horrible person I am for writing this, well for whatever reason this doesn't bother me. Its just relaying feelings, honest feelings. If I think of myself and Robs family, primarily Rob, it brings on total negativity, total distaste. So to hear anything about them is nauseating at the best of times, and hearing any form of tragedy, puts a spring in my step, in a twisted sort of way. I jokingly said to a friend, if he wouldn't mind dropping of a dead fish wrapped in newspaper for me, on Rob's doorstep, I was kidding of course, just being silly. I don't need to do anything, nature will take its course. I am a firm believe in karma. Karma has shown its face in Rob's direction before, it has now, and I'm sure it will again. This is the 2nd drama Ive heard, the first being when some uncle passed on, I think that was around Easter or so...and this one. We say things happen in 3's, I wonder what #3 could be? Though I hope Rob's mom has a somewhat easy recovery, I hope it affects Rob. I hope it breaks his heart to see his mother in the condition she may be in. I hope he looses sleep worrying about her. It would be nice to hear that, instead of thinking of his own selfish, filthy life. They always say it, and its so true -
Karma is a bitch
x

His Pathetic Existance Puts A Smile On My Face...

Once again sifting through PC files, I found Rob's letter to Virgin Mobile..when he was requesting more than 2000 minutes. It brought back allot of memories. Nothing tragic, other than the person himself, Rob. It made me realize how much of a "faggot" he really was and still is no doubt. It made me remember the letter I wrote him, that too I found and re read - I thought it was deleted but found it on my back up drive. I re read thinking I was too nice. Yea I was. What I should have wrote were words Ive used on this blog. I hope Rob peeks in every now and then, I hope he googles his name to see what crops up in the results. This will remain at the top of the google search under his name search or this blog search, for this I'm glad. Googling and Facebook seem to be a way of looking into people and I'm here to tell all. Its been almost a year, I made an error in a posting when I mentioned it had been a year. Apparently July 15th is a year, but it already feels like 10, which is a good thing. Regardless, the words used on this blog to describe him have been sometimes, vicious but none the less 100% honest. Things he did, said and so on, all true. Nothing Rob would ever admit to, none of it, that is his character. Ive said before I'm not embarrassed at all about anything during our time together. I was the better partner, this today I know for a fact. I was the better human being, the better man, and the best friend that slime ball would ever have. Unfortunately for me, he was the worst person to enter my life. At the same time, one of the smartest decisions I made in throwing him out. When I saw him the other week, I stared on and didn't bat an eye. If looks could kill, he would be six feet under. I got a good look at him...I could see he aged. He was looking like older family members, from the old country. Bloated, a gut over the belt and short cropped hair. Not a good look on him. His Anderson Cooper do, does nothing for him. Never did but who was I to say this? I felt good ab out myself as I mentioned, I'm healthier, thinner and definitely better looking, if only for the fact that I know or at least knew how he took care of himself. Showering twice a week if that, having a horrid body that never turned me on. If anything it was passion that turned me on and Rob lost that quickly. The rest of the time, shagging was due to the 2 of us being there. He was as Ive said a shitty lay and this I told him. Never one to experiment, with me at least - I'm sure he got up to things with the "strangers of the night", that wouldn't transpire over into our bedroom lives. I never wanted to see Rob again so that walk by the other week was sort of relieving in the sense that I saw what a miserable sod he has become, or continued to become. Sure my words are harsh, but heartfelt at the same time. I talk about him with more ease these days, yet nothing at all positive. When I ended my "letter of closure", I said something to the effect of, "i cant bring myself to say anything nice"...and since I wrote that line, I never have. Rob was a despicable person. Rob was not worthy of my time or trust. His cries of, "I cant imagine my life without you" were honest i think. His life is shit and I dont even have to know what is going on. I know the person he was for 15+ years, chances are hes continued along the same path that has left him deserted by the only person who, at one point, loved him. Rob will never find love like he had with me. Not that I'm tooting my own horn, I just know it. I pray for it, I chant for his lonely existence. On my side of the coin...my life had become something I never thought it would. It would take, getting rid of Rob to see things, the way things should be. I have a life again. Ive rid my life of the evil that was Rob. His pathetic existence puts a smile on my face!
x

..because of the character he really is!!

Reading and article today about queers and parenthood. I'm split on this. Though I don't think there is anything wrong with gay parents or parenting, I do have an issue with the home life of a child, in the care of a "homosexual" couple, more gay men than women. Gay men, the majority from my experience, are not stable enough to care for themselves, let alone a growing child. Rob is a prime example of this. Robs main concern, main goal, while we were together, though doing it behind my back, was to hook up with guys, that's it. If you saw how rampant he called phone lines, till the wee hours of the next day, you would see, he had no time for anything else other than his self pleasure. Rob had mentioned in the past about having/caring for children. This I found preposterous! The man couldn't even fry up eggs in a "normal" fashion, couldn't clean a home properly and was to busy in the evenings scouring the chat lines for a fast fuck. When in theory, should he have been a parent, this would be wrong. I can see him neglecting any child, in order to go for a fast anonymous fuck! The life Rob continues to live, I'm sure, isn't that of a stable lifestyle not one that would or should involve children. Rob has this disillusion that so long as you can buy nice things, it would smooth over any problem. This wouldn't work with children. It may have fooled me for a while but I too figured out his pattern. Being a parent involved responsibility to an extreme and again Rob would not be suited for this. At the same time, as Ive mentioned before, Rob is extremely promiscuous, and could or would put a child in harms way. In all the years Rob and i were together her hardly every took an AIDS test, and trust me, if anyone should be under a doctor's watch, it would be Rob. I was tested every time I did blood work and continue to do so to this day. Rob would, again as Ive mentioned, come home or come over and tell of "infections", which more than likely were some form of STD's, this would not go over well in a household with children. He had strep throat one time, after I was away for a while...not even telling me he had strep, he did tell me he was sick and I assumed it was a cold or flu, I could handle that, but he passed on strep throat, which was one of the worst experiences of my life. Imagine passing that, or something worse to a child!? I cant imagine at that point, kissing, sucking some other guys, a strangers, cock or lips and then, without any guilt kissing my lovers lips?? Rob is sick that way, was and is. He puts himself in harms way, but being an adult, that is his problem. You dont involve children, shit, you dont involve anyone else for that matter, and Rob isnt responsible at all that way, trust me, I have fallen victim to his "illness" once before. Rob is one of the most selfish people I have ever known, looking back in retrospect. He is irresponsible and selfish. As well who would want to be a child of this type of person. My parents are wonderful in every way, Rob would be the complete opposite and would be an embarrassment of a parent of caregiver. Although these days I am alone, I want to be alone. As Ive mentioned, I have friends and better social life, but my life is all mine and its how I want it to be, at least for now. Rob on the other hand was forced, by my throwing him out to be alone, it wasnt his choice, he may be used to it now, but I threw him out on his as, like his parents should have done 20+ years back. He is a spine-less clump of faggot cells and should live a life of solitude and involve or rather, put no one in harms way. Rob will always be alone because of the character he really is...
x

...how it should have been, years ago!

So in talking and then thinking of the last 9, 10 months or so...its interesting how happy I have been, how happy I have felt. I'm sure some of this will sound repetitive as other parts of this blog have been, but I'm here to yak on :) Life for the most part is A OK! My life is simple, yet at the moment, for the last few months, there is nothing I'd change. While with Rob, too many things had to change and nothing ever did. Everything and anything really, had to change. I recall sitting in the living room of Regal Rd and say, "these 4 walls cannot be my existence!" - Yet year after year they were. The four walls I reside within, are fresh, not yet lived in so that is a story to be at a later date. Having moved and all, allot of people think you obviously go out allot more. Not the case really, its easier to go out, but Ive yet to go "all out" on a more regular basis. That's nothing that made my life miserable, say 1 year ago today or so. Living at a standstill is what made my life stop, made my life super dull and for a long time at that. Ive said time and time again how this year, 2010, would be my year. So far, I went away early in the year, had some wild nights outs, had some laughs and shifted my living quarters and allot more. More things have been done in the short time Ive lived in 2010, than was done in the last 5 years with Rob. Although I have quiet nights at home, I love my home, I love hanging around and lounging, listening to music, surfing away or watching some doco's - My time has become so precious to me. If only to do what I want from now on. Still learning how to live on my own, everyday is an adventure. Moving on is a life altering experience like never before. If you asked me 2 years ago where would you be in 2010..I don't think, anything remotely close to what it is today, would be thought of. In April on a night out with a few coworkers and what not, I uttered to a fellow co worker, "I am happy" - I was asked, "you are?" - I shot back, "oh ya!"....and you know what...I am...
I Am Happy!! Having gone back to being the person I think best suited me was a good move. No compromise for anyone. Not having anyone to "live with" is a marvel. I told the story today of how Rob had put his name on the lease about 5 years back when I moved to the 1 bdrm at Regal Rd...nothing was ever discusses about "moving" into together, officially - Sure Rob pretty much lived there, but never in the time we shared, through til last year, Rob never moved his things into Regal Rd(another sign). It was sort of an unspoken thing. I hated that his name was on the lease. Now, its me and only me. Proud to be who I am, to live as I wish to do as I wish. Suffering what I did with Rob is a learning lesson, to myself. To learn to love myself again, and to love my life. Its nothing glamorous, but to me its fitting. Its how it should have been many years ago!!

Independant & Proud!!

Well 2 full weeks and a bit in my new place. Its coming along, slowly but surely. I don't want to make the same mistakes or bad choices rather, that I made at Regal Rd. Mind you the set up was much different...wall space and such. I have a shitload of framed pics I want to throw up, the question is where, and how. I have a few prints that Rob bought. One being the sepia forest pic, which I like but it was purchased for our old home and another print that was purchased from an Amsterdam gallery. Both of these, I want to sort of get rid of. I don't think they suit this place. Maybe its this phase of my life in which they don't fit in. Rob's brother and sister in law gave us a print which is currently and temporarily hanging in the kitchen. When I went to throw that up, to see if it sat well there, I saw the "to and from" tag, kept on the back. For that reason alone, this print must go. The print from the Amsterdam gallery, may go, if not, just may get stashed in the closet somewhere, for future use. The print that hung over the sofa, I think will be on its way out. Any hint of Rob CANT be hanging around here. As he repulses me to the extreme, so does any relation to him. So this will be interesting to see how this unfolds, what I do. Speaking to friends the day after seeing Rob, I mentioned how he looked tanned. Now he either looked that way as I was walking on the shaded side of the road, he went somewhere or is tanning his vile corpse in his parents back yard, regardless he looked gross. Telling a lunch buddy of mine how I had seen him, how he looked vile, she said in shock, "its amazing how after all the years together, in each others lives, you can just switch off and not want anything to do with them again." - I went on to tell her that I was sort of shocked as well, but after the experience with him, with all the things he did to me, it wasnt hard. Other friends of mine, said how they hadn't heard from him in a while. Surprising? Not - Rob tends to shut people out. Years back when we met, he had a clan of friends he grew up with. One by one and little by little they were filtered out. I know that years back, he hated the fact that they didn't like the head games he was playing with me, the sleeping with me, knowing full well that I had fallen for him. I was so honest back then as well, telling his friends, who became mine as well, that I was in love with him, that we were shagging and in the end I was just a play thing. They gave him grief for playing with my emotions. Maybe this is why, years later, as other infidelities took place, he filtered them out. Didn't want his childhood friends to know the liar and cheat that he was/is? Possibly the same with the friends I have now that he has slowly weeded out? At any rate, he is abolished from the kingdom of "Franco". Last night while sitting out on my balcony, music playing in the background, the street below me with traffic passing by, a cigarette in one hand and a drink in the other, I thought to myself, "this is great, at this moment, I'm thrilled and so happy." It's so weird how I don't long for anyone in my life. I'm OK with friends like Tim, who I get together with here and there for a night of fun. I'm OK with friends who pop in here and there for a visit or we have some sorta social outing. I don't crave love from anyone. I don't feel any absence in my life. I am an independent woman & proud!
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Cheating Father = Cheating Faggot Son

Fathers day weekend is here -
We've celebrated mums day and this weekend brings on the celebrations of our daddies...My dad is a great guy most of the time. He has his quirks as they all do, but love my dad to bits. He helps me in anyways he can and I do the same. For the most part he treats my mom well. The scuffles happen more and more it seems but due to elderly stupidity. I'm honest with my dad and that's made for a great relationship, as years back, i couldn't stand the man - today I cant get enough of him. Rob had this habit of reminding me what my parents did to me, shutting me out when i was a wild child. Ive forgiven that and its part of whats made me who i am today. Robs dad always treated me well at the same time. He looked out for me and tried to help when he could as well. The difference with Robs dad and my dad is the history. My dad never laid a hand on my mom, never cheated on her like Rob's dad did. Rob takes allot from his dad without even knowing it. I recall on Christmas, 2007 - trashed out of my mind, we spoke on the phone and I admitted sleeping with someone while on holiday. I told him as I couldn't keep it to myself anymore. I do recall telling him that when he thinks of his history, how his mom was abused and cheated on, to think of me. That he did the exact same thing that his dad did to his mom. The shoe was now on the other foot in so many ways and its great to scream at him asking, "how does it feel now?!" - I'm sure he hated that, but truth be told, it had to be done. Rob definitely picked up a few bad habits from dad. My dad may have bad habits but again never abused my mother in anyway shape or form. Robs dad abused his wife, as did Rob in abusing me, mentally and emotionally. I could never live with myself having done or been what Rob is. I recall meeting this one guy, under false pretense. When the truth came out, I felt awful for having lied, today we are great friends. No lies between us since then, if anything more a sense of a brotherly bond. Its all good these days and for that I'm grateful. I'm just not wired the way Rob is, the way his dad was. He(Rob) could lie and hope to get away with it. When he did, Im sure he was proud, until I discovered otherwise. I'm sure, rather I know, gay or not, my dad has accepted me as the good boy I am. I'm proud to call my dad MY dad - Rob would have to admit that he is the spitting image of his dad in his younger years, when he chased skirts - Rob just did it, queer style! Like father like son, pretty much...
Cheating father = Cheating Faggot Son.
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Only Alone He Should Be Afraid....

Ha Ha I swear I am a witch sometimes....Earlier today I posted how it was a year to the date that Rob and I had our last words. Well 5pm today I head out of work for my trollop home, who do i see in the distance? Hmmm...Rob! Walking with some, co-worker of sorts I'm sure. At first I wasn't sure, but a few steps closer and yes, yes it was, on Robert Sanita...He looked bloated and I recognize that warped, bow legged walk anywhere. He looked fatter and was having one of those "fake interesting" chats with the person he was walking to the car with. I focused on him from half a block away, and wouldn't take my eyes off of him & no sunglasses to hide behind. He kept turning to face the person he was yakking to, to avoid any eye to eye I'm sure, but i didn't let up. Not once looking forward or when he did, towards the ground. As we got closer I was going to hit or trip him, but decided against it, as there is a witness. I got full of rage when I passed him, I wanted to kick the crap out of him and then I thought about it. Firstly NEVER attack when there are witness' - so slugging him is not out of the question on an "alone encounter". Secondly, I thought, he got fat and looks pathetic in comparison to me. Not one sad thought crossed me, not once did I think, "i miss him". I was pleased with myself. I was happy that those were the thoughts running through my mind. He is a sad, sad pathetic human being, we(both Rob and I) know this. He used to say he was a failure, loser. That's the one thing he ever got, spot on, was and is. He looked darker, Rob usually has pale skin, so I'm led to believe he went away which unfortunately, made a safe, to and from landing. It will be interesting to see what friends say or ask for that matter. Telling it to people, I don't know, I think makes me feel good, I know nothing of how hes been and nor do I care. I do know the progress I made in my life, in my feelings towards him and towards our past. I haven't erased the last 15 years, Ive erased my time with Rob all together. He is absolutely disgusting. It was a good confrontation that I knew would happen, how could it not. I still look out to see if he is around, not in a stalker way, but should I be in the food court, I scour the areas Im in to see if I see him around. Only alone should he be afraid!

1 Year Ago Today, Freedom Was Mine...

As I get more and more comfortable in my new home, new area, I go back to remembering why I never wanted to be down here. Its not a regret I have at all, Ive always seen myself as a downtown boy. More to do so with the people who are called fags. So many of them remind me of Rob, in a negative way of course. So many "partnered" guys who are looking "for NSA fun" - which stands for No Strings Attached. This I can sort of understand with single guys. I personally like to get to know the guys I spend my "quality" time with, theres something just a bit more erotic when you know them as opposed to complete strangers. Rob, like the guys I mentioned earlier, is and was one of these "partnered" guys who was looking for fun outside the relationship. Though I am totally opposed to "open relationships", I guess it can work for others, NOT me. Ive heard the line, "so long as he comes back to me..." - I don't get that at all. Rob must have had that mentality for the 15+ years we were together. I love how Rob was dead set against partners going on separate vacations, yet is was OK to kiss me good night and go look for sluts like himself to get off with. Total double standard, or hypocrite. While on vacation alone last year, I slept with no one, 3000 miles away from my everyday life and no shag. Its a promise I made for myself and no one else, not Rob, not anyone. Its not like I couldn't either, being the "foreigner" does have its advantages, yet I stayed true to my word to myself. Meanwhile, again, Rob finding it OK to mess around, then lie to me. Thoughts ring back to that day 15 years back, with Rob crying in my lap, him uttering, "I don't want to me a typical fag" - He was the entire time. Which is all good and dandy if he didn't commit himself to me, but apparently he did, or thought he did. Rob has to be mad to think, it could be his way or the highway. Funny that I should be the one to kick him to the curb, not the other way around. Yesterday marked 1 year since our last conversation. Time to celebrate. A year ago yesterday is when I asked him if, he sucked someone else's cock, to which he replied, "yes" - Its been on year since Ive noticed, realized that I am better than Rob, that I am worth so much more and deserve so much more that what Rob gave to me. His dedication to me was a cover up for his whoring slutty life. He, again, will deny, but he may forget that I was around for the last 15+ years. I saw his true colors, I saw what liar he was, what a promiscuous faggot he still is to this day. I'm so much better off since letting him go, ridding him from my life. I'm healthier, feel better and in more control of my own life, something I wasn't with Rob.
One year today freedom was mine!
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I Beat The Cancer That Was Rob!!

Well this place is slowly but surely becoming home. Still an odd feeling here, but this will pass Im sure. This morning I posted a few pics of the move. I got some supportive comments on pics and status. Its nice to see that some people understand where I am coming from, why the need to relocate. Most of the people I know, maybe its best I say it this way, not many people I know are in or have been in a relationship like I was, the length of time and the type of relationship that it was. Again, looking back in retrospect, I find most of my years were just full of crap, when with Rob that was. Ending as it did, which should have ended many years before it really did, takes a toll on you mentally and emotionally. Being alone at Regal Rd wasnt the problem, if anything, that was the best part. Its the history that was there, that is there still to this day, difference is, Ive removed myself from that. The area, the place we called home. So much drama went down in that place that I couldnt stay. Although its been almost a year that he was kicked out of the apt, something still lingered. One good friend, who went through something as "tortuous" is in full support of my moves. Shes is a wonderful gal who understands where I am coming from. Its not to be a bitch, its the truth, its how i feel, its what Ive gone through. Hence the need for massive change. I am so happy to call this place my own. Im so thrilled that I did it all by myself. Rob and I had discussed buying a place instead of renting, years back....that would have made this split a massive difference, in a bad way. So for that im grateful that things never panned out in respect to a home together. Rob has no idea how happy I am today, what he doesnt realize is that my getting rid of him, was the start of my real happiness. Being able to carry on as i have, with the support I have, has made me so happy. I often wonder where he is today in the "mental/emotional" sense. I could only hope for hell on earth for him, its probably not so, but my thinking it is, is enough. The person I was a year ago and the person I am today, are totally different. The only thing that remains the same are my eyebrows! I am a different person, a person probably that would never befriend someone like Rob. Rob is or was the cancer in my life as Ive mentioned before. The cancer is gone, I beat the cancer, that was Rob!
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A Faggot With No Future & Still Is...

Well well...about a week into my move and things couldn't be better. Still allot of work to do, still making it my own. Its great that this place is totally me. There is no history here, yet. Rob has pretty much been erased from my life. Sure 15 years of my life was spent with him, how is it I can totally erase him? Bad outweighed good. Looking back when I talk about my past which included him, shows me how terrible of a person he really was, in my life. Usually after experiences like that, you learn something, you take something with you. With Rob, nothing. Ive learned to become more independent. Something Rob has no clue about. Still living at home with mum and dad, sad really for someone with his income, his age for that matter. Ive learned to be more social, more outgoing, something I wasn't with Rob in my life. Life was at such a standstill with him, it was pathetic. Rob is still pathetic as far as I am concerned. These days I have no troubles mentioning his name, experiences with him, he has just become, "That idiot" or "that cunt" or "that disgusting faggot". All of which is true, according to what I went through with him. Meeting people, like my friend Tim, who I think the world of, is what I want in a friend. Sure we flirt allot which is always fun, but we are good friends, someone I am so glad I met. I met a few, he was one of the first. Meeting new people can be, and is freaky. Being out here Ive stepped away from the chats, for now at least...all the queers are around me and am getting out there. I'm concentrating at the moment with putting my place together and making it my own as I mentioned earlier, that's my priority. Sitting on my balcony, I think its almost like a bad joke that I ended up where I am. For me its the place i call home, not the area. I can remove myself from the action which is right outside my door. Live it up when I want to,need to, but life itself is all the same in every other aspect. Its nice to know, a good feeling to know, I have moved on in every way. I had to get out of my old place, out of the area that Rob lingers around. The thought of him these days, repulses me. I, at time, hate the fact that I spent the time I did with him, the length of time at least. At this point, he was just a financial aid. Without him Africa may not have been possible, buying what I used to, would not have been possible without him. He was an enabler only financially. I remember telling my friend how, he is just around to pay half the rent, drive me around etc. He served no purposed otherwise. A lazy shag, a boring shag. A boring "friend". A twisted faggot with not future. He is still that - Ive moved on!
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Friends are forever & Rob was NEVER that...

So its happened!!
The next chapter has begun!! I arrived after mid day yesterday at my new pad in downtown Toronto. A bit of a rocky start with moving and all, but eventually pretty much all my stuff was moved in. I have one small trip to do with the mover and then I'm full on, in my new place with no return to Regal Rd. Friends popped in yesterday to check out my place and wish me well, which was sweet. Once my friends left and I carried on clearing things, putting things away etc, I was walking from the bedroom to the living area, with a grin on my face, and I said to myself,
"This is MY place, My place!"
This is a new start in a new place with no thought of my horrid past with Rob, there is NO Rob here, which is brilliant. I told my friends I felt removed From what I'm not sure, my life as I knew it? My life that was at a standstill for the better part of 10+ years? Setting up house is fun and stressful but its all about me. I'm done with the life I had at Regal Rd, primarily having shared i with Rob. All the memories I create here are mine and all mine. There is no one to share it with and I don't want to share it with anyone. Yesterday as I awaited for the movers to load up, I spoke to my mom. She asked if I was moving in with someone, my response, "Hell no!". I said I would never do that again, I don't want anyone. She said, "never". I said, I'm not looking and I'm not wasting my time that way. Should it happen, good for me, as for pursuing it, looking for it, its not happening, nor is it something I want, not now. I learned a few things from my time with Rob. Things that hopefully will stop from having history repeat itself. Ive learned to listen to my instinct. If I feel something is wrong, something isn't going right, or I have a suspicion, then I'm probably right, I was with Rob pretty much all the time. Not to trust too easily. I'm pretty open with my life, but I should be suspect of anyone asking more than I'm offering. Being taken for a fool by someone like Rob in turn has made me feel the fool, only because I thought I was smarter than that, and I'm sure Rob thought or hoped he was smarter to outsmart me, but for that, he was wrong. So no one special for me, and no need. I told my mom, I have lots of friends, and that's what I want. That lovers come and go, some waste more time than others, but regardless, they come and go...Friends are forever & Rob never was that!
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Rob has been deleted - PTII starts tomorrow!!!

So here we are, the eve of my move to my new home. I went to check out the place on the 1st, pretty nice. I'm happy. Its all new, which goes with the theme of my year, "the next chapter", it is happening, there is no turning back now which is perfect. Its like making a decision you re not sure on, but have to go. I have all kinds of good and bad thoughts, mostly good and the bad are silly, its more my nerves more than anything. I have people coming to help and relieve me on the weekend, so it will be busy. Tomorrow morning I will be off line until I set up house in the next day or so. My time on Regal Rd started good, 10+ years back and went sour. This place is full of memories, good and bad, but mostly bad. The bad in this sense, is due to things that happened while here. The deceit, lies, infidelities and much more. My new place has none of that, and should it ever, it wont be Rob related. Ive cut myself completely loose and free of the "Rob" hold in my life. Some sadness comes through now and then in regards to my move, its the people Ive met here, who really like me, its a nice feeling. Im ready to take on a new challenge and welcome it with open arms. This chapter is closed, this chapter is dead. This is something I wish and pretty much have, erased from my life, my memories. The good memories, which like many things, my trip to Africa, holidays etc, have now been remembered as my own and only me. The same with Regal Rd. Seeing my life in boxes is kinda freaky, but it will all be in place in a few days and the new beginning will start. No longer in the same vicinity as Rob, perfect!! He is no longer a stones throw away which is perfect. I wanted to leave this place the minute I stopped loving him, the minute I realised what he was in my life, a waste of time. Things have been looking up for the last 8 months or so, and as of tomorrow it will have gotten that much better. I am proud of myself for this next move, literally. Im doing it all by myself. Sure it makes it a bit more stressful but as I mentioned earlier, all worth it in the end! Rob has been deleted - Part II starts tomorrow...
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The Heartache... - It Was All Worth It!!

Well here we are, June 1st! 3 More days until Regal Rd is another part of my history. Still sooo much to do but one day at a time, I forget I have this place until the 14th, should I need time. I'm taking my time when it gets stressful. Ive decided to write about my African holiday. I want a written account of my adventure. Its something I always think of and want a document to go with photos, a project in the works. I love being busy with personal projects....This document is my account of Africa. Rob was initially mentioned, but he is slowly being deleted from that. One entry included the first 2 nights in Nairobi. I refer to Rob as my "room mate" who shared my hotel room. The "we" have been switched to, "me" or "I". Its sad that I cant recount the tale to include Rob, but his existence has clouded over, in a negative way, anything we did together. Ive mentioned recently, that the only thing I miss is the car, which is true. Rob served me no purpose especially the last few years. I wrote, with the exception as an idiot who paid half the rent, shared expenses and that's about it. He was a fair weather friend at the best of times. Meeting new people and realizing how friendships are supposed to be towards you is sort of an eye opener. Being able to be myself, while in Africa and anywhere for that matter is how I should have lived. This I'm doing today. As nervous as I am about my moving day, its thrilling to start all on my own. Sure its hard to move, there is no help. Friends have offered and for this I'm grateful, but something I need to do on my own. I want to be 100% independent. The stress is worth the self sufficiency. Feelings of, "this will never get done" are fine. In the end, when I have moved myself in, and settled in, it will have been all of my own doing. Today I go pick up my keys on my lunch hour and will see where I will spend, at least, the next year of my life. I'm thrilled and flipped out at the same time. I will be nice to at least live far away from Rob. I always hated going along St Clair, for fear of bumping into him or his family. Not fear of anything other than what I may say or do, should I bump into any of them. I still scour the underground, the intersection near where he works. At least removing myself from the living area is a positive. I told Rob in my letter of "closure" that I would be moving out of the area. I don't know what he may have thought of that comment. Was it something to grab his attn? Nope. I don't know if he thinks or thought that for that matter. I wont have thoughts of bumping into him anymore. Starting Saturday morning, hell even Friday night, will be a new start, a fresh start and a Rob free start. It seems a few things will be dragged over to the new dwellings but will be purging until, it all "fits". The guys(my cats) and I, will start over. Even they(the cats) will have to get used to it. Regal Rd is no longer home. I stopped caring about Regal Rd back in October, I was done with it. I was serious about moving, and here I am...3 sleeps away and a world of stress..but its all worth it. The next thing to deal with, once Ive settle in, in the next few weeks is, my 40th birthday holiday. The year is busy as anticipated, as planned and I'm OK with it. Self sufficiency. This is the time of year that Rob gets slammed with work, so I'm hoping and wishing him a hectic and lonely summer. Mine so far....good friends, new friends...new home, new area...old friend back in the picture and a life of full on freedom! Thanks Rob...for this I owe you as you live your pathetic existence. The drama, the heartache and the deceit - It was all worth it!
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Rob Was Playing His Role of "Slut"...Typical

As time has gone by, years have passed and I notice how different I am to the typical queer, Rob himself being one of these. When I look to meet people, I am not bothered by things such as, hairy chest or not, what sexual role they play, what their body is like etc. I like to get know someone and find out all about them, when Im interested in a friendship of sorts. In reading other blogs and having lived with one of these "typical queers"(Rob), Im glad I am not at all like these people. Fantasy is just that, fantasy. When it come to brass knuckles, I like to get to know the person, and if there is any chemistry, that is where the attraction lies. Ive spoken to some guys who wont date other guys who arent well built or who are smooth etc. Those things do not find their way into my criteria. When Rob and I initially met as "friends", and we would go out, when he would point out someone, they usually werent that attractive. I recall this one guy, Brad, he was around just before I met Rob. Brad and Rob worked at the same place, Sunquest Vacations. Rob liked Brad and slept with him. Rob's best friend or fiend at the time was a guy named Dean. Dean, shortly after slept with Brad as well...That was what would end their friendship. Out one night weeks later, with Dean out of the picture, and me as Rob's clubbing buddy, he pointed out this Brad character. Sure it seemed through his clothing, that he was well put together, physically, but the face...the hair...cheesy! Rob lusted after him, ONLY for his bod cuz really, he was kinda hideous. I still remember the feathered hair...Not attractive at all...shows you that Rob to was just as shallow. Many times I would wonder why he(Rob) was with me. I didnt have a great body, thought I didnt have a bad body...I was typical that way, average, if you will. I wasnt trampy then nor am I now, so I have no clue, these days, if I look back why that trash was attracted to me? You can see by that last statement that Rob was a slut, sleeping with co workers and what not, it wasnt the first or last time. There are many beautiful guys where I work, and that is a line I would never cross. I did lust after one, one summer and that ended there. That man was beautiful in every sense of the word, unlike Rob's "he has a great body" attraction, that is and was the difference between Rob and I. I look at a nice face, nice smile, someone who takes care of themselves, who is well put together...Rob would utter words like "what a great body"...sure that is nice to look at, but has never been the driving force behind any conquest or lusting after, in my case at least. Rob would look the neck down...not me. If that was the case, I never would have gotten with Rob as the neck down, on Rob, is nothing to look at, any of it really, flat ass, sunken in chest, bow legged, and parts you just couldn't touch. I'm not a shallow fag like Rob, like most queers. Again in reading some blogs I follow, I cant relate to what these guys yak on about as they are shallow. One blog I read just this morning, was on sexual attributes of men, this one specific post on circumcised or uncircumcised men. This one man wrote, "My husband isn't, that's why I married him". Part of me thinks this is just a statement, for a laugh. Though it could also be 100% truth. Fags are retarded that way. They get together with certain guys, because, they have a big dick, smooth butt, well built chest and nothing more. That's always nice to look at yea, but that's not what relationship is to me, or even what hook ups are about. I personally don't do the "hook up" scene, though Rob did and still does. Getting together on such a shallow basis, is just sad. I'm not one to flaunt my body or body parts but have been told, I have a nice, this or that...that's all good and dandy, its not getting you into my pants and the "acquaintance" doesn't go any further than just that. I don't have time for fags like that. Rob is into meeting faceless strangers and that's something I haven't done in ages. I met Rob as a faceless stranger and Rob can attest to nothing sexual when we chatted on the phone, before we met. I do recall having phone sex with him one time, but we were a couple at the time, I should have wondered why he was all hot and bothered and not with his boyfriend...me? But I digress...I'm glad to see myself not having become that, at any point. Pretty much anyone Ive slept with, before and after Rob, has been because we(the other person and I) clicked in one way or another. Sure most ended up as one night stands, that happens. Theres always a glimmer of hope that this guy could be a real cool buddy, but am not bothered when I don't hear back or that I have no desire to keep in contact, its what happens when you are out there, as a single man. Rob, on the other hand, played this with or without a partner, that's the promiscuous side of Rob that he never admits too. Rob was and is beyond shallow. I recall reading the emails he sent to "Christos" from my home PC and behind my back. Rob describing himself as, younger looking and passionate...really? Cuz he sure wasn't with me at that time. He was just playing his role of, slut, that was and is Rob, typical!
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"Lifeless...that was Rob & it ended"...

Well a little delayed, this entry that is. I said how the other day I would be recounting, tales of our travels. Rob and I that is. We took our first actual holiday together back in 94 or so. We went off to St. Maarten in the Caribbean. It was my first holiday since I was 20 or so. It was nice to go away with someone I was in love with, sorta like a "honeymoon" of sorts. I don't recall any arguments there though it was years back. I do remember Rob wanting to scout out a local queer bar that he had read about in "Spartacus" a queers guide around the world. Off we went into the dark on this unfamiliar land, only to end up at a waterfront strip of restaurants and cafes. I was a bit irritated as we weren't going out as much back home, yet he wanted to go to a queer place in unknown territory, I wasn't comfortable with it and glad we didn't find it. Our next holiday would be in Cuba. Cuba was gorgeous, the water, the resorts and the people. I do recall taking off on Rob on this holiday, something I would do more often as he would irritate me. If ever I did anything to draw attn or if i looked "off", Rob would shy away. I remember just waltzing away from him. I wanted to go to the night club on the resort and that was like pulling teeth. Why did we have to go to our room so early considering we were on holiday?? He came with me twice, begrudgingly and honestly I didnt have a good time. Other sun destinations would include Ixtapa, and I think that was the first holiday were we didnt really argue, I dont now why, or how that happened, but was grateful for a stress free holiday. We did Cancun which would be one of the last sun destinations as i got the bug to do Europe. One thing I love, in my fantasy world at least would be vacation sex. It always sounded erotic and something to look forward to but Rob was the lamest that way, on pretty much every holiday. Being away from the world as we know it, should have brought on passion filled nights, not with Rob. I remember having gone on a cruise about 5 or so years back, not one night of sex? On the high seas is always stimulating but Rob had a hard time getting it up at the best of times. I remember going to London, England, first time in 2000. There was so much to see and do. I was like a kid in a candy store, I couldnt believe I was in London, finally! I had a few destinations I wanted to hit. One being "Ministry of Sound" nightclub. It at the time had the best sound system in the world. Never did we go. The second time we went which was the following year, I remember going to bed so angry that Rob just wanted to come back to the room or scope out for some pot! I was kind of glad we got ripped off a we did, in regards to pot. We were sold crap! If the nights we spent in were romance filled, I could have tolerated it, obviously. Rob instead chose to watch the BBC or ITV. The one thing I never praised about the UK was their TV line up. London, to me was about celebrity, royalty and night life. Thanks to my persistence I managed a few of those. Late night out never happened with Rob and I. In 2002 I went to London to see a musical, if it wasnt for my gal pal there, Rhiannon, there would have been no fun nights. She managed to get me pot and thankfully, dragged our asses to Heaven, London's most famous gay club. It was indeed, heavenly, to me. I was in all my glory. If I wasnt going to be in my room shagging with my lover, I wanted to be living it up, London stylee. Thee was no sex to be had. On our second trip to the UK, realizing that Rob wasnt going to loosen up, I stormed off from him. Once while at Buckingham Palace, after seeing The Royal Family on the Palace balcony and another time, while sitting in a pub just off Oxford St. I had had enough of lame nights! I didnt pay to go away and sit in my room. One time, I just kept drinking at a pub as it filled up with people. I knew it was making Rob uncomfortable and didnt care. I was on holiday,I wanted to be out. At one point I remember yelling at him in our room, "This fucking holiday may as well be over - I wanna go home!" - I was done. I should have realized then, as well, this wasnt right. He wasnt the right guy for me. He was boring, conservative and lame, in every aspect of the word. Even our cottage getaways were lame. The one thing I love is the great outdoors in northern Ontario. The thought of being away from the world in fresh clean northern spaces was highly erotic, in thought. The first time we did a holiday up north, I tried to get physical outdoors. He was so lame. I remember video taping some of it. You can see the boredom in his eyes as he went down on me. Video evidence of a lame lay! Sex in the great outdoors was something I looked forward to, but it never happened. I think our first cottage holiday was the one where we had the most rampant of sex, indoors though. That holiday was never to be repeated. I think Ive mentioned how on our 10th anniversary, up north, 3 days had passed and nothing! Not a sign of any sexual energy or chemistry for that matter. I recall going to my room out of frustration, only to wake up the next day and blast Rob. Telling him how i dont want him to touch me. I didnt want no pity fuck - he wasnt that good at the best of times, so why waste my pent up sexual energy? I would sunbathe practically in the nude to stir up something, but it fell on deaf ears. I would get to the point where I would give up and do my own thing. The last holiday up north as a couple, at The Silver Birches was by far the worst. Our friends were coming up for the last few days and taking over the following week. Nothing sexual happened until the day of our friends arrival. I couldnt believe 5 days had passed out in the wilderness and nothing happened? I was in shock and awe, as the saying goes. I was livid and gave into a lame mutual masturbation session only to walk out and tell him, "I could have done that myself" - I was done at that point. Friends noticed how much I drank, even I was concerned but didnt care. There was no use being up there together as a couple. There was no reason to go anywhere ever again with him. Though I did, it was only cuz he was the only travel buddy I knew and that was it! There was never again, any thoughts of a wild time while on holiday. I no longer expected it nor did I want it. I was too nice of a human being, otherwise I should have been an ass and messed around in front of his face, but thats not my style. We did Africa together and shagged once we arrived on the island of Zanzibar, there too Rob just was selfish and took care of it when he needed to. Words he spoke were again, and as always just words. The Mayan Riviera, earlier that year as well proved the "when Rob wanted to" scenario. It happened twice while I the Mayan, it was intense only due to lack of sexual activity and still being a couple. Drunken sex is all I wanted, was more wild and I could forget who I was with and just get on with the task at hand. It wasnt until we went to the Dominican Republic in the late 90's that we went all the way. This was erotic but also a mistake as we took no precautions and all the while, him slagging around behind my back. Sexual activity, when it happened was always like that, unprotected. I did the only responsible thing at the time, I got myself tested on a regular basis. There must have been a God as I never got anything, but was adamant about getting tested. Sex waned in our relationship shortly after our first actual break up in the late 90s. When we got back together, it was ok for a period of time, before it went back to nothing, pretty much. Pretty much every holiday we took had some form of drama, primarily based around sex and not wanting to go out in the late hours of the evening, with the exception of the hotel balcony, if we had one. Rob was lame with sex for the last 10 years or so, at home and on holiday. Vacations were times to get away from the "real world" and have a week or 2 of fantasy and fun, this rarely happened with Rob, whether at home or out and abroad! Rob always managed to be a downer in one form or another on holiday. Lifeless is not for me, in any manner, that was Rob, and that ended!
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