As each month comes to a close, it reminds me of how long I haven't seen or spoken to Rob. I don't miss it at all. Rather I am proud that Ive gone another month, on my own. No help from no one. A month of no drama, another month.
Rob was always such a negative creature, and that's something that's not lingering around here no more, the negativity. I try with every ounce of my being to be positive, each and every day. Sure theres the odd, "off" day but for the most part, positive is the way I try and live. It seems the biggest drama I have now is, whats for dinner. That is much easier to deal with, than things of my recent past with Rob. I don't need to deal with the post work crap. When I finish my day, its done, where as with Rob, work drama carried its way over into our evenings, and really, I didn't care to hear about it. After 5pm, for me, is not work time. There was a summer when Rob first got into the mortgage line of work, where its all I heard. A whole summer of work bullshit, when it should have been, unwind time, chill time.
These days I come home, go through my daily routine, busy myself with projects and personal things I need to take care of, and enjoy my evening with a drink. Sometimes TV, sometimes some tunes...and the occasional adventure out.
A friend asked me last night to tell her how I was "honestly" doing. I told her I was fine, that I haven't felt this good about life in a long time and that true. A different attitude on life I think. I did say thought that 2009 has to come to a close. That I'm living it up on 2010 - I hit 40 late next year and my life will start all over. Ive already made changes and am proud of them, but once all of 2009 is done, a new Franco will appear in 2010. Planning solo vacations, planning to move into a new home if possible. Remove myself from this area as it seems that memories, mostly bad at this point in my life, linger around..so a fresh start in every way, is in the works. Its almost exciting.
Its funny how, being single now, living alone, sort of reminds me of being in London all on my own. All the time in the world for me. Sure it gets boring or lame at times, but not every ones life is go go go, plus its not possible at my age. But that sense of independence, that sense of "its up to me" is a good feeling. There are still so many things I have to learn to do on my own, but it will all happen and come in good time. So far the rides been easier than I thought and again thanks to the right attitude and the right people...its heading in the right direction -
Ahhhh change is good and well needed!
September 29, 2009
September 28, 2009
Freedom of Sorts...
Ive noticed over the months since my split, certain feelings I no longer have.
I'm not talking about love, cuz love and care for Rob went out the window, again once he confessed to being unfaithful. I no longer have feelings, rather Ive noticed that I haven't felt feelings of jealousy or insecurity since. Having met the odd guy here and there, I used to get all silly and ga-ga-ish...not lately.
I wont let anyone into the real world of "Franco". Ive told friends how I don't want anyone in my life now..friends sure, nothing more.
The odd man whose kept me company on the dance floor or at a bar throughout a night of excess has worked out fine for me. Its nice to not have thoughts of people around me being fake or not real. Its something I welcome with open arms. One friend who Ive grown tight with is a real sweet guy. I love him to death in a friendly way and that feeling is reciprocated. Watching out for me, making sure I get out there and making sure I get home in one piece. That's all I want. He jokes that he is my "mentor" and his mission is to make sure I get out. Perfect!
Its also nice not to feel like he just wants to get into my pants cuz its not the case between us. I haven't felt that comfort level with a fag in a long time.
With Rob. I always wondered where he was, who he maybe chatting to, and potentially seeing behind my back when we were together. These last few months, I haven't had to think of that - and that's because the people Ive met, the people in my life are real.
Rob changed my thoughts on people, on queers. Luckily for me, and thanks to some of the new people in my life, I no longer feel that way, or it is slowly changing.
Having faith in people again is a nice feeling. Sure Ive met guys whose only intention is to get in my pants, and they don't get very far. Its nice again to feel attractive and wanted. Its nice to want to get dressed up and feel good about myself.
My social life has taken a total 360 as Ive gone out more in the last 2-3 months than I did in the last couple of years having been with Rob.
It goes back again to the question, why? Why did I stop living or put up with having absolutely no life? Trust me when I say, it was not worth it as in the end I got screwed over and not in a good way. The one person I thought who would see me through my life, Rob, turned out to be the biggest mistake as Ive mentioned in this blog. I resent him for having halted my life, when I thought we were headed down a different avenue. He went through the motions with me, all the while having a different agenda. So many times when I was going to take the plunge and go out with someone new, I didn't. I couldn't.
Now with Rob removed from my life, things are different, things are better. I'm happier. I don't need any ones approval. I don't have to put up with stupidity that was the better half of the last few years. A freedom of sorts I didn't think I would enjoy or even want for that matter. I look back on the earlier part of this year, when things took another turn only to find out things were actually worse between Rob and I. Had I paid better attention to his ways, I would have been in the position I am in now, a long time back. I can't keep thinking that this should have happened a long time back, but again, resent Rob for halting my life for nothing in the end. A bigger waste of my time(Rob)Ive never met. Life is better, Life is good - Flying solo is where should have been a long time back. I deserve it and was worth it all the while. It just took Rob's disrespect towards me to realise that.
I'm not talking about love, cuz love and care for Rob went out the window, again once he confessed to being unfaithful. I no longer have feelings, rather Ive noticed that I haven't felt feelings of jealousy or insecurity since. Having met the odd guy here and there, I used to get all silly and ga-ga-ish...not lately.
I wont let anyone into the real world of "Franco". Ive told friends how I don't want anyone in my life now..friends sure, nothing more.
The odd man whose kept me company on the dance floor or at a bar throughout a night of excess has worked out fine for me. Its nice to not have thoughts of people around me being fake or not real. Its something I welcome with open arms. One friend who Ive grown tight with is a real sweet guy. I love him to death in a friendly way and that feeling is reciprocated. Watching out for me, making sure I get out there and making sure I get home in one piece. That's all I want. He jokes that he is my "mentor" and his mission is to make sure I get out. Perfect!
Its also nice not to feel like he just wants to get into my pants cuz its not the case between us. I haven't felt that comfort level with a fag in a long time.
With Rob. I always wondered where he was, who he maybe chatting to, and potentially seeing behind my back when we were together. These last few months, I haven't had to think of that - and that's because the people Ive met, the people in my life are real.
Rob changed my thoughts on people, on queers. Luckily for me, and thanks to some of the new people in my life, I no longer feel that way, or it is slowly changing.
Having faith in people again is a nice feeling. Sure Ive met guys whose only intention is to get in my pants, and they don't get very far. Its nice again to feel attractive and wanted. Its nice to want to get dressed up and feel good about myself.
My social life has taken a total 360 as Ive gone out more in the last 2-3 months than I did in the last couple of years having been with Rob.
It goes back again to the question, why? Why did I stop living or put up with having absolutely no life? Trust me when I say, it was not worth it as in the end I got screwed over and not in a good way. The one person I thought who would see me through my life, Rob, turned out to be the biggest mistake as Ive mentioned in this blog. I resent him for having halted my life, when I thought we were headed down a different avenue. He went through the motions with me, all the while having a different agenda. So many times when I was going to take the plunge and go out with someone new, I didn't. I couldn't.
Now with Rob removed from my life, things are different, things are better. I'm happier. I don't need any ones approval. I don't have to put up with stupidity that was the better half of the last few years. A freedom of sorts I didn't think I would enjoy or even want for that matter. I look back on the earlier part of this year, when things took another turn only to find out things were actually worse between Rob and I. Had I paid better attention to his ways, I would have been in the position I am in now, a long time back. I can't keep thinking that this should have happened a long time back, but again, resent Rob for halting my life for nothing in the end. A bigger waste of my time(Rob)Ive never met. Life is better, Life is good - Flying solo is where should have been a long time back. I deserve it and was worth it all the while. It just took Rob's disrespect towards me to realise that.
September 25, 2009
Absolutely No Regrets...
As always thoughts run through my mind as I recall the last 15+ years...
I must say that after 15+ years of drama, its hard to not think of it at all, on a daily basis, at some point. Again never in a sad way, or depressed way. Surprising that I didn't fall into a deep depression after all this fell through, but Robs admission of infidelities made it much easier. A few weeks of misery I admit to, but that's totally normal. Rob on the other hand, more than likely and hopefully has gone through a period of regret. If I need to think of anything I regret over the years, nothing comes to mind. I never said I was perfect in that relationship, but next to Robs actions, I was pure as fallen snow. I was never one big on family but when I was with them, to this day, when I'm still with them, I'm 100% Franco.
We lived this charade of complete bliss with his side of the family. As if we never had any problems. Little would friends and family(though I would confess the dramas to my friends) know what a horrific relationship we had, especially near the end.
Rob would get pissed when I told my friends about the "downs" in our relationship. I don't understand that, as if I couldn't speak about the bad? I know part of it would be embarrassment on his end. The weekend that would end up being our last weekend together, the last weekend we would see each other..This was the weekend where I discovered his slutty ways while I was away on holiday. I was having my brother and his gal pal over. We(Rob and I) had made plans to go grab some food and things fora BBQ we would be having. He came over and off we went to the car along the way I was asked, "does your brother know about what happened?" - I couldn't answer that question, as I had no idea. I had fessed up to my mom on the phone the night before, but no clue if she had told my younger brother, so I honestly had no idea. He chose, out of humiliation no doubt, to not stay. Rob tends to run and hide during times of "crisis". If he only knew how much that irritated me. He would throw himself back into his world of denial. I recall one time, with friends, back in 2006, the purpose basically of that dinner was to have an intervention of sorts, in regards
to our relationship, our problems. I remember it was gone midnight and not a word was uttered. I remember that I started the conversation, and then got horribly drunk as I hated the situation I was in and don't recall the rest of the evening, but apparently it went until 5 in the morning.
I'm have, again, no regrets over the 15+ years. I have no problem admitting, that once I realised our relationship was dead in the water, that I slept with someone while on holidays. I scream it and deny nothing. Rob on the other hand would never and to this day wouldn't if he was questioned as he must look like a "good guy" - when in fact he is the complete opposite.
He had this sick and twisted fantasy about brothers shagging which I found sick really, to this day. He had a twisted, dark sexual persona that no one saw, except for possibly, his one night stands behind my back. He made it that he didn't like porn and rude chat, again only in front of me as I have a vulgar mouth. If I think about it we never watched any porn together, but I would see his eyes light up when there was a guy on the tube, in shorts or shirtless...He was weird that way.
If I made any attempt to be rude, he would always have a shocked look on his face as if any of that wasn't normal? Considering how "vanilla" he was in the bedroom, it would shock me when other things would peak his curiosity, when all I saw was a lame lay.
I could sense his being uncomfortable when we spoke of cheating people/lovers as if he never had done that. Again that is something, possibly the one thing he excelled in while we were together. I guess he thought he was sly enough to do what he wanted and not get caught - boy was he wrong.
I must say that after 15+ years of drama, its hard to not think of it at all, on a daily basis, at some point. Again never in a sad way, or depressed way. Surprising that I didn't fall into a deep depression after all this fell through, but Robs admission of infidelities made it much easier. A few weeks of misery I admit to, but that's totally normal. Rob on the other hand, more than likely and hopefully has gone through a period of regret. If I need to think of anything I regret over the years, nothing comes to mind. I never said I was perfect in that relationship, but next to Robs actions, I was pure as fallen snow. I was never one big on family but when I was with them, to this day, when I'm still with them, I'm 100% Franco.
We lived this charade of complete bliss with his side of the family. As if we never had any problems. Little would friends and family(though I would confess the dramas to my friends) know what a horrific relationship we had, especially near the end.
Rob would get pissed when I told my friends about the "downs" in our relationship. I don't understand that, as if I couldn't speak about the bad? I know part of it would be embarrassment on his end. The weekend that would end up being our last weekend together, the last weekend we would see each other..This was the weekend where I discovered his slutty ways while I was away on holiday. I was having my brother and his gal pal over. We(Rob and I) had made plans to go grab some food and things fora BBQ we would be having. He came over and off we went to the car along the way I was asked, "does your brother know about what happened?" - I couldn't answer that question, as I had no idea. I had fessed up to my mom on the phone the night before, but no clue if she had told my younger brother, so I honestly had no idea. He chose, out of humiliation no doubt, to not stay. Rob tends to run and hide during times of "crisis". If he only knew how much that irritated me. He would throw himself back into his world of denial. I recall one time, with friends, back in 2006, the purpose basically of that dinner was to have an intervention of sorts, in regards
to our relationship, our problems. I remember it was gone midnight and not a word was uttered. I remember that I started the conversation, and then got horribly drunk as I hated the situation I was in and don't recall the rest of the evening, but apparently it went until 5 in the morning.
I'm have, again, no regrets over the 15+ years. I have no problem admitting, that once I realised our relationship was dead in the water, that I slept with someone while on holidays. I scream it and deny nothing. Rob on the other hand would never and to this day wouldn't if he was questioned as he must look like a "good guy" - when in fact he is the complete opposite.
He had this sick and twisted fantasy about brothers shagging which I found sick really, to this day. He had a twisted, dark sexual persona that no one saw, except for possibly, his one night stands behind my back. He made it that he didn't like porn and rude chat, again only in front of me as I have a vulgar mouth. If I think about it we never watched any porn together, but I would see his eyes light up when there was a guy on the tube, in shorts or shirtless...He was weird that way.
If I made any attempt to be rude, he would always have a shocked look on his face as if any of that wasn't normal? Considering how "vanilla" he was in the bedroom, it would shock me when other things would peak his curiosity, when all I saw was a lame lay.
I could sense his being uncomfortable when we spoke of cheating people/lovers as if he never had done that. Again that is something, possibly the one thing he excelled in while we were together. I guess he thought he was sly enough to do what he wanted and not get caught - boy was he wrong.
September 23, 2009
Unfinshed Business?
Although I am so over Rob and my past with him. The one question that ways on my mind in times of boredom or deep thought is why?
Ive moved on with my life, trying to meet people, slowly living a different life, a life more suited to myself as opposed to the misery of the last couple of years...
Funny that I'm not as lonely as I thought I would be, maybe its my attitude, or the fact that the deep disgust and hatred I have for Rob has assisted me in moving on.
Out with a friend a few weeks back, he told me "I didn't deserve any of that shit, and that you(me) deserved better" - I completely agree with him and maybe that's helped me. I have no desire to be close to anyone, which could be due to not wanting to get hurt. I don't miss the closeness I thought I had with Rob at all...cuz even when he was around, I felt alone, alien-like..I don't feel like that today.
So the question there in lies...Why would I put up with or suffer it out like I did. Even before Robs confession of screwing around on me, I knew it had happened countless times...Was it routine? Was it fear of moving on and the unknown?
Better still, why would Rob continue to be with me. At this point his words of "I love you" I chalk up to being, bullshit. He doesn't know what love is, doesn't know how to show love, in many ways, including physical love, as he was horrible that way, like no other man I have ever known.
What was going though his mind while he was telling me he loved me, missed me or whatever crap he spewed from his vile mouth? How long did he think he could play these games with me? Was his intention, to find someone and then move out of the picture himself? Cling on to me until the next fool? Ive sad it a million times before that I hope for him, a life of misery and loneliness.
The "friendship" we had was all an illusion. Every one would say, "sure franco, your "ex-boyfriend" who still hangs out with you 24/7"...etc...
We were still a couple in way too many ways. I strongly would say things like, "my apt", "my" this that or the other thing..but it fell on deaf ears and yet he hung around, or better yet, used me, my apt, anything he could, to coast thru til the next "adventure" of his life...
I wonder how things would be today, had I not found out all the trashy things hes done and continues to do.
I wonder if we were still "friends" and I told him I saw him on Cam4, how he would go about denying that. Seeing him live on the Internet, jerking off in front of the world would be a hard one to get out of. I would have loved to hear that excuse.
Id like, would have liked to have been in his head to see what he would be thinking...What he would say.
At this point though, Rob is a distant memory. Again nothing good about Rob is ever uttered. I still, when I leave the tube stn, which is by his work, look for him, not because I want to see him, rather to see how I would react. Though it wouldn't be in Robs best interest to be in the same vicinity as myself. I told my friend, while sitting on a a patio a little while back, "I wonder if Ill see my ex" - That's definitely something that should not happen, unfortunately that is not under my control, so again, I wonder how I would react. I know that there would be no tears as I cry if I feel sad or really happy, and sadness is not an emotion I feel towards Rob or our history. Even the love, completely gone. Funny how when you wake up and really see the big picture, the real picture, how "love" can be turned off or merge into some other feeling.
He would say to me he, "never wanted to break up" - well how would expect me to carry on a relationship, being the whore that he has been and still is? I dont understand his mentality, but that again is due to his living in this bubble hes created for himself. Rob can do no wrong? Thats all he had done, all wrong, from day one pretty much...yet he never wanted to break up, why? Cuz I was blind to his tricks? Cuz he had gotten away, or so he thought, with his shenenigans?
"...you're like so many of those boys i've known, You break your promise easily..." That was how Rob was with me...You lie you lie, you lie -
Ive moved on with my life, trying to meet people, slowly living a different life, a life more suited to myself as opposed to the misery of the last couple of years...
Funny that I'm not as lonely as I thought I would be, maybe its my attitude, or the fact that the deep disgust and hatred I have for Rob has assisted me in moving on.
Out with a friend a few weeks back, he told me "I didn't deserve any of that shit, and that you(me) deserved better" - I completely agree with him and maybe that's helped me. I have no desire to be close to anyone, which could be due to not wanting to get hurt. I don't miss the closeness I thought I had with Rob at all...cuz even when he was around, I felt alone, alien-like..I don't feel like that today.
So the question there in lies...Why would I put up with or suffer it out like I did. Even before Robs confession of screwing around on me, I knew it had happened countless times...Was it routine? Was it fear of moving on and the unknown?
Better still, why would Rob continue to be with me. At this point his words of "I love you" I chalk up to being, bullshit. He doesn't know what love is, doesn't know how to show love, in many ways, including physical love, as he was horrible that way, like no other man I have ever known.
What was going though his mind while he was telling me he loved me, missed me or whatever crap he spewed from his vile mouth? How long did he think he could play these games with me? Was his intention, to find someone and then move out of the picture himself? Cling on to me until the next fool? Ive sad it a million times before that I hope for him, a life of misery and loneliness.
The "friendship" we had was all an illusion. Every one would say, "sure franco, your "ex-boyfriend" who still hangs out with you 24/7"...etc...
We were still a couple in way too many ways. I strongly would say things like, "my apt", "my" this that or the other thing..but it fell on deaf ears and yet he hung around, or better yet, used me, my apt, anything he could, to coast thru til the next "adventure" of his life...
I wonder how things would be today, had I not found out all the trashy things hes done and continues to do.
I wonder if we were still "friends" and I told him I saw him on Cam4, how he would go about denying that. Seeing him live on the Internet, jerking off in front of the world would be a hard one to get out of. I would have loved to hear that excuse.
Id like, would have liked to have been in his head to see what he would be thinking...What he would say.
At this point though, Rob is a distant memory. Again nothing good about Rob is ever uttered. I still, when I leave the tube stn, which is by his work, look for him, not because I want to see him, rather to see how I would react. Though it wouldn't be in Robs best interest to be in the same vicinity as myself. I told my friend, while sitting on a a patio a little while back, "I wonder if Ill see my ex" - That's definitely something that should not happen, unfortunately that is not under my control, so again, I wonder how I would react. I know that there would be no tears as I cry if I feel sad or really happy, and sadness is not an emotion I feel towards Rob or our history. Even the love, completely gone. Funny how when you wake up and really see the big picture, the real picture, how "love" can be turned off or merge into some other feeling.
He would say to me he, "never wanted to break up" - well how would expect me to carry on a relationship, being the whore that he has been and still is? I dont understand his mentality, but that again is due to his living in this bubble hes created for himself. Rob can do no wrong? Thats all he had done, all wrong, from day one pretty much...yet he never wanted to break up, why? Cuz I was blind to his tricks? Cuz he had gotten away, or so he thought, with his shenenigans?
"...you're like so many of those boys i've known, You break your promise easily..." That was how Rob was with me...You lie you lie, you lie -
September 22, 2009
Typically Queer....
As everyone knows I have this hatred towards "typical" fags, Rob being one of them and me, completely the opposite. Apart from drawing in eyebrows and my loud personality, I'm not a "typical" fag. I'm not promiscuous, I don't meet in the bushes, I don't cruise parks, I don't do bath houses, I don't have random anonymous sex with strangers, I don't call sex chats hunting for cock, which isn't the case with Rob - He fits that description to a T -
I think over the years, seeing the type of homosexual Rob is, has led me to hate allot of the lifestyle that fits the "homosexual" bill.
Rob is one of these queers I never wished to be like or be associated with. Unfortunately, it took 15+ years to realise this.
I do have a hatred toward typical queers, but not all are like that. Ive met a few that aren't like Rob at all, which sorta makes me change my opinion of "gay lifestyle". I don't live a gay lifestyle. I don't see my self as a homosexual in society, rather a man in society. Although its apparent I'm queer, I don't need to let it be known otherwise. I don't like "gay" music just because it is sung by a fellow queer, I don't go watch gay movies, because of its "queer theme" - I don't read books by queer authors just because they are queer. That is Robs take on queer life, not mine. I don't support discrimination against queers, I don't support discrimination against the human race, black white, yellow, queer, straight, cat, dog...sexual preference isn't in that mix.
Allot of my hatred towards queers is due to watching how Rob lives/lived his life while in my life, a lifestyle that I think is pathetic.
I always bitched that queer lifestyle is so thrown in your face, shoved down your throat and I'm not about that, I don't support that - Rob is all about that though he would tell you different, his lifestyle speaks volumes. Its queers like Rob that give us "different" homosexuals, queers who aren't "typically queer" a bad name. We aren't all like a Rob type of queer - at all. Rob is a poster child for promiscuity...
I don't cheat on lovers, I don't shag in my boyfriends beds, or ex boyfriends, for that matter. I never disrespected my lovers by doing things behind their backs. I never bed hopped from lover to trick and back to lover. I never put any lover of mine at risk of disease like Rob did with me.
I'm proud of who I am, Franco, plain and simple. I don't have tags, like Rob does - promiscuous, deceiving, a liar, and a slut. I'm a simple, kid at heart, who likes to have a good time with good people. Fun people, people I trust and love. Rob on the other hand has a different take on life, friends and living.
He's a sad character that will probably live a life of solitude or a life of a typical fag - hooking up with someone, eventually, who will cheat on him, and most definitely that Rob will cheat on, as history had repeated itself time and time again....That's not really living a happy life, but more like this blog is called - the Life of a Slag...Pathetic really.
I think over the years, seeing the type of homosexual Rob is, has led me to hate allot of the lifestyle that fits the "homosexual" bill.
Rob is one of these queers I never wished to be like or be associated with. Unfortunately, it took 15+ years to realise this.
I do have a hatred toward typical queers, but not all are like that. Ive met a few that aren't like Rob at all, which sorta makes me change my opinion of "gay lifestyle". I don't live a gay lifestyle. I don't see my self as a homosexual in society, rather a man in society. Although its apparent I'm queer, I don't need to let it be known otherwise. I don't like "gay" music just because it is sung by a fellow queer, I don't go watch gay movies, because of its "queer theme" - I don't read books by queer authors just because they are queer. That is Robs take on queer life, not mine. I don't support discrimination against queers, I don't support discrimination against the human race, black white, yellow, queer, straight, cat, dog...sexual preference isn't in that mix.
Allot of my hatred towards queers is due to watching how Rob lives/lived his life while in my life, a lifestyle that I think is pathetic.
I always bitched that queer lifestyle is so thrown in your face, shoved down your throat and I'm not about that, I don't support that - Rob is all about that though he would tell you different, his lifestyle speaks volumes. Its queers like Rob that give us "different" homosexuals, queers who aren't "typically queer" a bad name. We aren't all like a Rob type of queer - at all. Rob is a poster child for promiscuity...
I don't cheat on lovers, I don't shag in my boyfriends beds, or ex boyfriends, for that matter. I never disrespected my lovers by doing things behind their backs. I never bed hopped from lover to trick and back to lover. I never put any lover of mine at risk of disease like Rob did with me.
I'm proud of who I am, Franco, plain and simple. I don't have tags, like Rob does - promiscuous, deceiving, a liar, and a slut. I'm a simple, kid at heart, who likes to have a good time with good people. Fun people, people I trust and love. Rob on the other hand has a different take on life, friends and living.
He's a sad character that will probably live a life of solitude or a life of a typical fag - hooking up with someone, eventually, who will cheat on him, and most definitely that Rob will cheat on, as history had repeated itself time and time again....That's not really living a happy life, but more like this blog is called - the Life of a Slag...Pathetic really.
September 20, 2009
A Living Tragedy....
I remember years ago, and I'm going back to before Rob and I were shacked up -
I recall, late one night going for a coffee with him near Yonge and St Clair. It was a nice summers night and who needed sleep at 22 years of age?
Anyways, Rob obviously knew I wasn't a troll like he was...we went to this park, sat on a picnic bench, and enjoyed our coffee with some idle chit chat in the mix.
He went on to tell me, that the park we were in, was a "cruising" park. At the time I had no idea what he meant, until he explained that guys would come here to get their rocks off with strangers who trolled the park itself. I was a bit put off but I wasn't alone, so I was OK...but eventually noticed guys passing by us and figured out what they were doing there. I was innocently sitting there having coffee, all the while, these fags were sucking cock in the bushes a few feet away from me. Years later as we drove by a park off of Vaughan Rd..he went on to tell me how he met some guy, from a phone sex chat, in the park and sucked his cock in the bushes...that was one of my first realisations that this guy was a slag...he was almost proud to tell me this? Where as in my head it was just something else I "noted".
It eventually, with experience, made me realise that Rob is/was and always would be, one of these typical fags. It was hard to have a boyfriend with a colourful past as Rob. Unfortunaltey it didnt remain in his past, yet it carried on right thru til this past spring, and Im sure, to this day, I can pretty much guarantee that, again, though Rob would deny it. I recall after we split and we were chatting. I said that I couldnt imagine myself sleeping with anyone else, it would just be too weird after all these years with one person, the same person at that. Rob uttered similar words. Though I cant understand as he had, over the years, continually slept around on me? So where does that come from? They were just lines he fed me, thinking that I had no clue about his past, including his past with me. To say maybe he couldnt imagine being tight with someone the way we were is one thing, but to sit there and tell me you cant imagine being with anyone else when he had already sucked strangers cocks and gotten off with others, numerous times, was what I didnt understand. I would always call him a slut and he would say, "im not" - he so was and at that point, I had no real confirmation on his slagging ways, but deep down inside I knew. Ive always said, "Im a whore in the bedroom" but that was when I was seeing someone exclusively - Rob on the other hand just fits the bill of "whore" and always had. I mean if he or I for that matter looked like Brad Pitt, Id say, be a whore, with looks like Brad's who wouldnt be...but looking like Rob does and with that body, I would cover up like a nun. The word "warped" comes to mind when I think of his body. As a couple and stupidly in love, you over look those things, they dont matter - Seeing it from this side, its totally different - I could go on about both our imperfections but I know what I know and have a hard time thinkin anyone would want to see that out of clothes with the excpetion of desperation. Its nothing to be proud of and defintely nothing alluring or worth looking at.
He's chosen I guess to show the world on his cam4 site, jacking off in front of the world. I think maybe that is to get some attention by other sad and desperate people.
That doesnt make him a slut, per say, but it definitely makes him a real sad and desperate character - Stooping to new levels of sadness, it never ceases to amaze me as to what he does or has done in the past. The beauty of all this is, hes no longer in my life and never will be, but the memories he gave me, left me with are the most tragic Ive ever experienced. A living tragedy is the best way to define Rob.
I recall, late one night going for a coffee with him near Yonge and St Clair. It was a nice summers night and who needed sleep at 22 years of age?
Anyways, Rob obviously knew I wasn't a troll like he was...we went to this park, sat on a picnic bench, and enjoyed our coffee with some idle chit chat in the mix.
He went on to tell me, that the park we were in, was a "cruising" park. At the time I had no idea what he meant, until he explained that guys would come here to get their rocks off with strangers who trolled the park itself. I was a bit put off but I wasn't alone, so I was OK...but eventually noticed guys passing by us and figured out what they were doing there. I was innocently sitting there having coffee, all the while, these fags were sucking cock in the bushes a few feet away from me. Years later as we drove by a park off of Vaughan Rd..he went on to tell me how he met some guy, from a phone sex chat, in the park and sucked his cock in the bushes...that was one of my first realisations that this guy was a slag...he was almost proud to tell me this? Where as in my head it was just something else I "noted".
It eventually, with experience, made me realise that Rob is/was and always would be, one of these typical fags. It was hard to have a boyfriend with a colourful past as Rob. Unfortunaltey it didnt remain in his past, yet it carried on right thru til this past spring, and Im sure, to this day, I can pretty much guarantee that, again, though Rob would deny it. I recall after we split and we were chatting. I said that I couldnt imagine myself sleeping with anyone else, it would just be too weird after all these years with one person, the same person at that. Rob uttered similar words. Though I cant understand as he had, over the years, continually slept around on me? So where does that come from? They were just lines he fed me, thinking that I had no clue about his past, including his past with me. To say maybe he couldnt imagine being tight with someone the way we were is one thing, but to sit there and tell me you cant imagine being with anyone else when he had already sucked strangers cocks and gotten off with others, numerous times, was what I didnt understand. I would always call him a slut and he would say, "im not" - he so was and at that point, I had no real confirmation on his slagging ways, but deep down inside I knew. Ive always said, "Im a whore in the bedroom" but that was when I was seeing someone exclusively - Rob on the other hand just fits the bill of "whore" and always had. I mean if he or I for that matter looked like Brad Pitt, Id say, be a whore, with looks like Brad's who wouldnt be...but looking like Rob does and with that body, I would cover up like a nun. The word "warped" comes to mind when I think of his body. As a couple and stupidly in love, you over look those things, they dont matter - Seeing it from this side, its totally different - I could go on about both our imperfections but I know what I know and have a hard time thinkin anyone would want to see that out of clothes with the excpetion of desperation. Its nothing to be proud of and defintely nothing alluring or worth looking at.
He's chosen I guess to show the world on his cam4 site, jacking off in front of the world. I think maybe that is to get some attention by other sad and desperate people.
That doesnt make him a slut, per say, but it definitely makes him a real sad and desperate character - Stooping to new levels of sadness, it never ceases to amaze me as to what he does or has done in the past. The beauty of all this is, hes no longer in my life and never will be, but the memories he gave me, left me with are the most tragic Ive ever experienced. A living tragedy is the best way to define Rob.
I'd like to know...Is it in the genes??
After re-reading the last entry - I was thinking if the way Rob is, is because its hereditary?
How is it most of his family is the same way. I mean personally I dont care as none of them did anything to me, except for Rob. Now I'm the last person to toot my own horn or my family's for that matter. Of course being the big mouth, outspoken, rebellious person I am, I caused allot of drama and still can to this day.
BUT - my parents have stuck together for over 40 years, never any "nookie on the side" - my brothers, both actually, are in long term relationships, if not married. Stuck by their partners, never unfaithful, and I like to think I'm the same as I never have...until I was forced. Where as his family is the opposite, with the exception of the baby of the family. Rob is a spitting image of his older brother, in the sense of slaggin around. The difference is his older brother checked out that back of NOW magazine, where as Rob checked out the back of NOW, XTRA and countless other fag rags... He will/would deny all of this but again, I'd put him to the test and the outcome was always as I suspected, so deny all you want, you and I both know its true ;) - Is it that monkey see monkey do syndrome? Or is it lack of self respect? My mouth is more vile than I really am where as with Rob its the opposite, he doesn't come across, verbally as vile, but its his living that does that. His actions prove and show that. Maybe its something that's just instilled in him? How does one sleep at night with thoughts of things hes done? He must and if he doesn't he should hate himself for becoming the horrid person he is. I personally would hate myself, but, thankfully, I'm nothing at all like him. He is not one to be modelled after, at all. I always wonder if there is anything good to say about him and unfortunately, not one thing comes to mind. He doenst have a good heart as history would not be the way it was. He doesn't have a conscious as again, history would not be as it is. Trying to think of one redeeming quality in that slag is very difficult. As much as I am totally over him, no one has ever pulled on me what he did, so really where is there a good quality in him? Being a pothead couch potato slut is not a good quality, well not in my books. Being Miss priss by day and a holy whore by night isn't a good quality, not in my books, so what good qualities does he have? If anyone can answer that, you know how to get a hold of me, cuz I really would like to know.
How is it most of his family is the same way. I mean personally I dont care as none of them did anything to me, except for Rob. Now I'm the last person to toot my own horn or my family's for that matter. Of course being the big mouth, outspoken, rebellious person I am, I caused allot of drama and still can to this day.
BUT - my parents have stuck together for over 40 years, never any "nookie on the side" - my brothers, both actually, are in long term relationships, if not married. Stuck by their partners, never unfaithful, and I like to think I'm the same as I never have...until I was forced. Where as his family is the opposite, with the exception of the baby of the family. Rob is a spitting image of his older brother, in the sense of slaggin around. The difference is his older brother checked out that back of NOW magazine, where as Rob checked out the back of NOW, XTRA and countless other fag rags... He will/would deny all of this but again, I'd put him to the test and the outcome was always as I suspected, so deny all you want, you and I both know its true ;) - Is it that monkey see monkey do syndrome? Or is it lack of self respect? My mouth is more vile than I really am where as with Rob its the opposite, he doesn't come across, verbally as vile, but its his living that does that. His actions prove and show that. Maybe its something that's just instilled in him? How does one sleep at night with thoughts of things hes done? He must and if he doesn't he should hate himself for becoming the horrid person he is. I personally would hate myself, but, thankfully, I'm nothing at all like him. He is not one to be modelled after, at all. I always wonder if there is anything good to say about him and unfortunately, not one thing comes to mind. He doenst have a good heart as history would not be the way it was. He doesn't have a conscious as again, history would not be as it is. Trying to think of one redeeming quality in that slag is very difficult. As much as I am totally over him, no one has ever pulled on me what he did, so really where is there a good quality in him? Being a pothead couch potato slut is not a good quality, well not in my books. Being Miss priss by day and a holy whore by night isn't a good quality, not in my books, so what good qualities does he have? If anyone can answer that, you know how to get a hold of me, cuz I really would like to know.
Heaven and Hell...on Earth
Friends...that is one thing Rob really doesn't have any of, last time I checked.
The guy whose cock he sucked the other night, isn't a friend, that's a trick, something he always confused. Just cuz you get them off, doesn't make them a friend.
He was always jealous of how I was the centre of attention, all the while me, not even trying. It's more my mouth that makes me the centre of attention, my silliness and goofiness that makes me, at times, the centre of attention, to this day.
Rob has a dry, weak sense of humour. I would always joke that he left his sense of humour at work, cause he was so blah allot of the time. I know I push limits with jokes and what not, Rob barely caused a ripple. I always had to hear "they like you more than me, they don't even talk to me" - Well Rob...maybe cause you're as boring as a friend as you are a fuck. It never really helped Rob that he would bad mouth most of our friends, for the dumbest of reasons. Things he didn't agree with or opinions he didn't agree with. He was never a fan of anyone else' opinion.
But after all that, he would have the nerve to complain about not having any/many friends. The thing is, Rob never fully opened up to his/our friends. That's why he doesn't have any, no one really knows him, at least not like I did. He always wanted to impress people in one way or another, but being in my shoes, I was never impressed, knowing what I know of him. To this day, I think he lives in a bubble that, if it hasn't burst already, it soon will. It must be sad to be over 40, no friends, no life. Sure he must have a few bucks in the bank I'm sure, even after spending some of slag sites and phone sex chats and possibly the odd rent boy here or there. Honestly I can bet hes paid a boy or 2 to get his rocks off, trust me, it is in his nature and Ive put him to the test years ago, so that wouldn't not surprise me. He lives in a world of denial, a make believe world. The beauty of it is, his wake up call must be a sad one. 40+ living with mum and dad, being a whore, no real friends, in therapy for being pathological liar and cheat and the only good thing about him is probably his job. If he lives his life as he did the last 15+ years, he will have no future, except for one possibly at the hassle free clinic downtown. I always said, after we split, that I would never go to his place, he seemed a bit upset when I said that a while ago. How could I sit on a sofa that he would have had countless slags flopped over on it. I shudder at the thought of what his own place would be like. The thought of it disgusts me as much as the thought of him in itself. On another note, he was never the most hygienic of people, except for work. His "housework" skills where crap. I remember after my little jaunt over in London earlier this year, I came home to a filthy apt. That was due to his entertaining in my apt while I was away, but he could have picked up the hoover just once. He was nice enough to wash my bedsheets, stained from nights of jackin off with god knows who...thanks -
For someone as educated as him, he is the most uneducated person in the field of, "life". He doesn't know how to live a real life. Hes dark and secretive and somehow expects or wants to be happy. Heaven and hell are right here on earth, decided by your own free will...Rob has chosen hell on earth as his existence is the most pathetic Ive ever encountered. Sad and lonely is what his life has become and its all of his own doing, well done.
The guy whose cock he sucked the other night, isn't a friend, that's a trick, something he always confused. Just cuz you get them off, doesn't make them a friend.
He was always jealous of how I was the centre of attention, all the while me, not even trying. It's more my mouth that makes me the centre of attention, my silliness and goofiness that makes me, at times, the centre of attention, to this day.
Rob has a dry, weak sense of humour. I would always joke that he left his sense of humour at work, cause he was so blah allot of the time. I know I push limits with jokes and what not, Rob barely caused a ripple. I always had to hear "they like you more than me, they don't even talk to me" - Well Rob...maybe cause you're as boring as a friend as you are a fuck. It never really helped Rob that he would bad mouth most of our friends, for the dumbest of reasons. Things he didn't agree with or opinions he didn't agree with. He was never a fan of anyone else' opinion.
But after all that, he would have the nerve to complain about not having any/many friends. The thing is, Rob never fully opened up to his/our friends. That's why he doesn't have any, no one really knows him, at least not like I did. He always wanted to impress people in one way or another, but being in my shoes, I was never impressed, knowing what I know of him. To this day, I think he lives in a bubble that, if it hasn't burst already, it soon will. It must be sad to be over 40, no friends, no life. Sure he must have a few bucks in the bank I'm sure, even after spending some of slag sites and phone sex chats and possibly the odd rent boy here or there. Honestly I can bet hes paid a boy or 2 to get his rocks off, trust me, it is in his nature and Ive put him to the test years ago, so that wouldn't not surprise me. He lives in a world of denial, a make believe world. The beauty of it is, his wake up call must be a sad one. 40+ living with mum and dad, being a whore, no real friends, in therapy for being pathological liar and cheat and the only good thing about him is probably his job. If he lives his life as he did the last 15+ years, he will have no future, except for one possibly at the hassle free clinic downtown. I always said, after we split, that I would never go to his place, he seemed a bit upset when I said that a while ago. How could I sit on a sofa that he would have had countless slags flopped over on it. I shudder at the thought of what his own place would be like. The thought of it disgusts me as much as the thought of him in itself. On another note, he was never the most hygienic of people, except for work. His "housework" skills where crap. I remember after my little jaunt over in London earlier this year, I came home to a filthy apt. That was due to his entertaining in my apt while I was away, but he could have picked up the hoover just once. He was nice enough to wash my bedsheets, stained from nights of jackin off with god knows who...thanks -
For someone as educated as him, he is the most uneducated person in the field of, "life". He doesn't know how to live a real life. Hes dark and secretive and somehow expects or wants to be happy. Heaven and hell are right here on earth, decided by your own free will...Rob has chosen hell on earth as his existence is the most pathetic Ive ever encountered. Sad and lonely is what his life has become and its all of his own doing, well done.
September 19, 2009
Art Imitates Art?
So the other night while listening to music, I noticed how some of the music I listened to applied to my situation with Rob in a funny way I think...Some of the bitter/twisted lyrics, so suited my situation with Rob...
"You deserve an award for the role that you played
No more masquerade, you're one lonely star
All the world is a stage
And everyone has their part
But how was I to know which way the story'd go
How was I to know you'd break
You'd break my heart
Guess you've always known
You took my love for granted, why oh why
The show is over, say good-bye"
-------------------------------------------------
"I've had a man or two
In fact I've had a few
In dark and dingy places
I've fallen to my knees
And begged a stranger please
A world of lust and lipstick traces
I've had lawyers, doctors, judges and thugs
And I never, never, never ask their names
Hungry faces in the dark
Dirty deeds in the park
And before you ask
I feel no shame
Fat, thin, old, young, tiny meat, well hung
White, black, half-chat
Did you see the size of that
Rough, shy, Greek, Thai
Hairy, scary, straight or bi
I'll have them all"
Funny how you actually pay attention to lyrics sometimes and can relate them to personal experiences, scenarios -
The first one is about someone playing games, and how its over.
The second is about a character who was into gratuitous, anonymous sex and too fitting when it comes to Rob...The only difference is, the character thats is sung about in the actual song, was a character, not Rob on the other hand....
Music imitates life in the funniest and most honest ways...
"You deserve an award for the role that you played
No more masquerade, you're one lonely star
All the world is a stage
And everyone has their part
But how was I to know which way the story'd go
How was I to know you'd break
You'd break my heart
Guess you've always known
You took my love for granted, why oh why
The show is over, say good-bye"
-------------------------------------------------
"I've had a man or two
In fact I've had a few
In dark and dingy places
I've fallen to my knees
And begged a stranger please
A world of lust and lipstick traces
I've had lawyers, doctors, judges and thugs
And I never, never, never ask their names
Hungry faces in the dark
Dirty deeds in the park
And before you ask
I feel no shame
Fat, thin, old, young, tiny meat, well hung
White, black, half-chat
Did you see the size of that
Rough, shy, Greek, Thai
Hairy, scary, straight or bi
I'll have them all"
Funny how you actually pay attention to lyrics sometimes and can relate them to personal experiences, scenarios -
The first one is about someone playing games, and how its over.
The second is about a character who was into gratuitous, anonymous sex and too fitting when it comes to Rob...The only difference is, the character thats is sung about in the actual song, was a character, not Rob on the other hand....
Music imitates life in the funniest and most honest ways...
September 17, 2009
Africa Solo
Last year marked one of the best trips Ive been on, and Ive been on quite a few.
Africa showed me a part of life that I never thought I would be lucky to experience.
My friend said the other day, "You did Africa together, that must have been special" - Unfortunately, my trip to Africa, was no longer a trip I did with a friend. I went with a snake not a friend. I went with a user not a friend. I went with one of the most promiscuous people I know. I think his promiscuous ways is what makes him hold AIDS so dear to his heart. Its a gay disease to him. Its a disease, queers like him spread around, though he would tell you different.
Africa to me, was an adventure that will live on the rest of my days.
Im in the midst of putting together a new video of Africa, without Mr Sanita.
Its MY adventure to Africa. I met the loveliest people in Kenya and Tanzania.
I had great times with Catherine and Simon and Bev and the other 10 or so in our group.
The one time Rob and I had a bit of a rift was by the Ngorongoro Crater in Tanzania.
Rob went to bed early, and Bev, Hugh, Catherine and myself, stayed up til the wee hours of the night, in pitch black, on the edge of the crater, by our campfire. All the "helping hands" went to bed and it was us 4, drinking laughing and having a blast - thank god Rob wasn't there to play the usual, "debbie downer".
Its those memories of Africa I cherish.
The fact that me of all people, was able to camp through the flat lands of Kenya and Tanzania. Withstand heat, dirt, long treacherous bus/car rides for hours, is what makes me most proud. Rob has been "deleted" from any photo I have, any video I have as he is what spoiled, what was possibly the best experience of my life.
It will be fun to start travelling with people I really love, genuinely want to hang around with. People who, in their own way, know how to have a good time.
I'm in talks with a friend to go back to Africa, possibly South Africa.
I'm looking forward to making new memories, fantastic memories with real people.
It will be fantastic when I think of the shitty times I had with that trash, Rob.
Bring on the adventures, a new phoenix is arising.
Africa showed me a part of life that I never thought I would be lucky to experience.
My friend said the other day, "You did Africa together, that must have been special" - Unfortunately, my trip to Africa, was no longer a trip I did with a friend. I went with a snake not a friend. I went with a user not a friend. I went with one of the most promiscuous people I know. I think his promiscuous ways is what makes him hold AIDS so dear to his heart. Its a gay disease to him. Its a disease, queers like him spread around, though he would tell you different.
Africa to me, was an adventure that will live on the rest of my days.
Im in the midst of putting together a new video of Africa, without Mr Sanita.
Its MY adventure to Africa. I met the loveliest people in Kenya and Tanzania.
I had great times with Catherine and Simon and Bev and the other 10 or so in our group.
The one time Rob and I had a bit of a rift was by the Ngorongoro Crater in Tanzania.
Rob went to bed early, and Bev, Hugh, Catherine and myself, stayed up til the wee hours of the night, in pitch black, on the edge of the crater, by our campfire. All the "helping hands" went to bed and it was us 4, drinking laughing and having a blast - thank god Rob wasn't there to play the usual, "debbie downer".
Its those memories of Africa I cherish.
The fact that me of all people, was able to camp through the flat lands of Kenya and Tanzania. Withstand heat, dirt, long treacherous bus/car rides for hours, is what makes me most proud. Rob has been "deleted" from any photo I have, any video I have as he is what spoiled, what was possibly the best experience of my life.
It will be fun to start travelling with people I really love, genuinely want to hang around with. People who, in their own way, know how to have a good time.
I'm in talks with a friend to go back to Africa, possibly South Africa.
I'm looking forward to making new memories, fantastic memories with real people.
It will be fantastic when I think of the shitty times I had with that trash, Rob.
Bring on the adventures, a new phoenix is arising.
Mad Fag, He Is...Rob, not me ;)
So today while lunching with my gal pal, I mentioned how other friends had invited me over for an event. Jokingly they mentioned that Rob would be attending. I told my friend, should that ever happen, they to will be out of my life I have no issue letting go of anyone who would pull such a thing. The gal pal I was lunching with said, "you don't think, in time, you could sit down for a coffee?" - She mentioned that Rob had said, he one day hopes we could could sit down and have a coffee together?
He is more fucked up than I thought!
I went on to say say, how another friend, out of concern, asked if I was doing ok. I replied with, "never better" -
The one thing that none of these people, as fas as I know, have experienced, is what Rob did to me. They don't understand, and I hope that what Rob did to me would never happen to anyone I care about. I hope(and it will)it happens to Rob as he needs to know what hes done to me. I'm a true believer in karma and it will happen to him at some point. I just wish I was there to see him crumble and see how he feels when that happens, cuz it will. I'm not playing, victim at all, but the slag needs to get hurt the way he hurt me.
It wasn't even, in the end, what happened earlier this year, rather what I suspected for years, just never got an answer, not while sober at least.
The fact that Rob went out and sucked others men's cocks, got fucked by other guys and then kissed my lips, all the while me thinking he was cozy in his bed is what was the clincher in this "relationship". The man is a liar, flat out, pathological, which is what I told the police when they called me about this blog and other antics.
Rob is the worst human I have ever dealt with in 38 years of living on this earth.
The fact that he strung me along. The fact that I made a promise to myself that I would never let anone hurt me again...and of all people to do that repeatedly, it was the idiot I spent 16 years with of my life.
I told my friend, for example, if she passed on, today and the funeral was tomorrow, and I got wind that Rob was going, I would not go. The only funeral I would attend at which Rob would be in attendance, would be his own. That would only be to spit in his face as he lay "peacefully" but dead. It's in Rob's best interest to keep far far away from me.
Asked what I would do if I saw him, that's a question I cant answer BUT I want to spit in his ugly face. He is a disgusting creature and I hate him with every ounce of my being. I keep hearing he is not angry with me and what not, reason being, I did nothing to warrant any of what he did to me...
I did nothing to warrant his cheating ways. I did nothing that would warrant flat our bullshit from his mouth. It just confirmed the slutty whor-ish faggot he is/was and always will be.
I was told he is in therapy - see below post - hes a lost cause and therapy never did him any good as I'm sure he lied and it wont do any good now, cuz really, does he have balls to admit how he is - NOPE!
I don't sit here thinking about him, mulling over the past, only when I chose to post on this blog.
My friend also said, "you had good times, they weren't all bad" - I told her that I don't think of any of the good times, cuz as Ive mentioned, its all tainted, its all spoiled. Any friend can tell you, that not once since all this, have I said, "it was so much fun when Rob and I..." hasnt happened and wont. He ruined 16 years of my life when I was a good, honest friend and lover...and all Rob was doing was jerking me around, using my apt as his own whore house.
By cause of guilt did Rob shower me with gifts and what not. I never wanted that and didn't care about that. Asked "there must be something you miss" - Oh yea definitely, "the car" - that's it. He sucked in bed, possibly the worst lay Ive ever known, considering he is a whore, its funny how shitty he was and still is I'm sure in bed. A man who cant get hard or a man who doesn't like to be touched in the nether regions, constitutes a shitty lay and I have video to prove that ha ha -
Hes the biggest liar Ive ever met.
I told my friend in the end...All my current friends, are loyal, honest, aren't promiscuous and not fake - Rob on the other hand, is a pathological liar, promiscuous and a cheat, Franco ain't got no time for that anymore.
So the question therein lies...what would he have to say to me, cuz all he would get from me or deserves from me, is to be spit in the face.
I know Im a much better person than he is, have real friends, no phone/cyber sluts as friends. I love how he calls his "fly by night slag friend, "friends", he always has - i.e Claude, Brad(see previous entries) - Im better looking and thats something I never say, but my personality, next to his, makes me Brad Pitt and him, the ugliest of uglies. Im more fun, witty and can make ya have a good laugh. He is morbid and a debbie downer, in any situation...
He isn't worthy of 2 seconds of my time to even say hello.
The man as Ive mentioned before is the biggest liar and slut I have ever know, unfortunately it took me way too many of my precious years to find all this out and therefore hes not worth the piss I let out every morning, unless it was directly in his face. A bigger waster of my time, Ive never met -
The men Ive met since ending our relationship, in a short period of time, are 100 times more, real men, that Rob ever was or ever will be. He cant hold a candle to the guys Ive met this summer. My biggest mistake as Ive mentioned was, shacking up - The best thing I did was to piss him off enough to not come around ever again.
The dumbest thing he's done is to ever think there is a chance in hell that we would ever have a cup of coffee together - Maybe I can do that, but it would only be to throw scalding hot coffee in that ugly face of his...it could only be an improvement...hmmm food for thought.
He is more fucked up than I thought!
I went on to say say, how another friend, out of concern, asked if I was doing ok. I replied with, "never better" -
The one thing that none of these people, as fas as I know, have experienced, is what Rob did to me. They don't understand, and I hope that what Rob did to me would never happen to anyone I care about. I hope(and it will)it happens to Rob as he needs to know what hes done to me. I'm a true believer in karma and it will happen to him at some point. I just wish I was there to see him crumble and see how he feels when that happens, cuz it will. I'm not playing, victim at all, but the slag needs to get hurt the way he hurt me.
It wasn't even, in the end, what happened earlier this year, rather what I suspected for years, just never got an answer, not while sober at least.
The fact that Rob went out and sucked others men's cocks, got fucked by other guys and then kissed my lips, all the while me thinking he was cozy in his bed is what was the clincher in this "relationship". The man is a liar, flat out, pathological, which is what I told the police when they called me about this blog and other antics.
Rob is the worst human I have ever dealt with in 38 years of living on this earth.
The fact that he strung me along. The fact that I made a promise to myself that I would never let anone hurt me again...and of all people to do that repeatedly, it was the idiot I spent 16 years with of my life.
I told my friend, for example, if she passed on, today and the funeral was tomorrow, and I got wind that Rob was going, I would not go. The only funeral I would attend at which Rob would be in attendance, would be his own. That would only be to spit in his face as he lay "peacefully" but dead. It's in Rob's best interest to keep far far away from me.
Asked what I would do if I saw him, that's a question I cant answer BUT I want to spit in his ugly face. He is a disgusting creature and I hate him with every ounce of my being. I keep hearing he is not angry with me and what not, reason being, I did nothing to warrant any of what he did to me...
I did nothing to warrant his cheating ways. I did nothing that would warrant flat our bullshit from his mouth. It just confirmed the slutty whor-ish faggot he is/was and always will be.
I was told he is in therapy - see below post - hes a lost cause and therapy never did him any good as I'm sure he lied and it wont do any good now, cuz really, does he have balls to admit how he is - NOPE!
I don't sit here thinking about him, mulling over the past, only when I chose to post on this blog.
My friend also said, "you had good times, they weren't all bad" - I told her that I don't think of any of the good times, cuz as Ive mentioned, its all tainted, its all spoiled. Any friend can tell you, that not once since all this, have I said, "it was so much fun when Rob and I..." hasnt happened and wont. He ruined 16 years of my life when I was a good, honest friend and lover...and all Rob was doing was jerking me around, using my apt as his own whore house.
By cause of guilt did Rob shower me with gifts and what not. I never wanted that and didn't care about that. Asked "there must be something you miss" - Oh yea definitely, "the car" - that's it. He sucked in bed, possibly the worst lay Ive ever known, considering he is a whore, its funny how shitty he was and still is I'm sure in bed. A man who cant get hard or a man who doesn't like to be touched in the nether regions, constitutes a shitty lay and I have video to prove that ha ha -
Hes the biggest liar Ive ever met.
I told my friend in the end...All my current friends, are loyal, honest, aren't promiscuous and not fake - Rob on the other hand, is a pathological liar, promiscuous and a cheat, Franco ain't got no time for that anymore.
So the question therein lies...what would he have to say to me, cuz all he would get from me or deserves from me, is to be spit in the face.
I know Im a much better person than he is, have real friends, no phone/cyber sluts as friends. I love how he calls his "fly by night slag friend, "friends", he always has - i.e Claude, Brad(see previous entries) - Im better looking and thats something I never say, but my personality, next to his, makes me Brad Pitt and him, the ugliest of uglies. Im more fun, witty and can make ya have a good laugh. He is morbid and a debbie downer, in any situation...
He isn't worthy of 2 seconds of my time to even say hello.
The man as Ive mentioned before is the biggest liar and slut I have ever know, unfortunately it took me way too many of my precious years to find all this out and therefore hes not worth the piss I let out every morning, unless it was directly in his face. A bigger waster of my time, Ive never met -
The men Ive met since ending our relationship, in a short period of time, are 100 times more, real men, that Rob ever was or ever will be. He cant hold a candle to the guys Ive met this summer. My biggest mistake as Ive mentioned was, shacking up - The best thing I did was to piss him off enough to not come around ever again.
The dumbest thing he's done is to ever think there is a chance in hell that we would ever have a cup of coffee together - Maybe I can do that, but it would only be to throw scalding hot coffee in that ugly face of his...it could only be an improvement...hmmm food for thought.
September 13, 2009
You always knew, didnt you Mother...or did you?
One thing that I love about myself is my honesty, especially with those who matter -
The lies I tell strangers or fairweather friends, make me more colorful and really, do "they" matter?
I was and sorta still am curious as to how Rob has explained the many dramas over the years, including this last bout, to his family or mum.
I have always confided in my mom. Ive broken down in front of her telling her whats gone on, including this latest episode. Although seeing her gay son upset, and possibly feeling a bit uncomfortable, Im her son and she hates to see me in pain, but I confide in her 100% and she gives me 100% support. She knows that Rob has a shady past, that Rob messed around on me, she knows when I lost it on him etc, she is one of my true confidants.
Rob's mum on the other hand, poor thing is under a completely different illusion of her son. For some reason I cant see Rob telling his mom, time and time again over the years, "I messed behind Franco's back, and he kicked me out/we broke up".
I got a "message" from her through another friend the other week, "thank you for what you are doing to my son." - My response, as bitchy as it was, was "You can thank your son for what he has/had done to me", not sure if that message ever went through but its what i sent back. She cant possibly know the truth. Which makes Robs situation, Robs life that much more sad. Who does he confide in? Is it all just in his head? The fact that I couldnt tell the truth to anyone would kill me. That is just my character. I understand that alot of Robs life, outside of his M-F, 9-5, is secretive and shady, it was with me, Im almost positive it is with his family as well. I always tell my mom, Im out with my friend, when Im not. Im sure Rob used my name as an excuse, "Im goin out with Franco", meanwhile he probably found himself at the back of an alley, blowing some seedy, sex line chat queer and then goin back home.
It's sad that he cant even tell his family about his ups and downs, truthfully, well not the downs as no one has caused them but Rob himself. His family, well nobody would have any pity when you cause your own dramas. He was surprised at the fact that my family never contacted him? That I found funny...I can see it now, "Dear Rob, sorry about what happened between you and Franco. You messed around again, its ok, we still love you" - Is that what he expected? He crossed me again and somehow thought my family, would offer to speak to him still or offer a shoulder to cry on, or lend an ear? He is so dillusional, when I heard that comment about them not contacting him and him being surprised, I was left with my jaw wide open. He makes no sense. Why would they, why should they? I didnt see his mother or brothers call me, telling me how sorry they were for their son being what he is, for having done what he had/has done, numerous times, yet he expected to hear from my family?
I didnt and dont expect his family to contact me, nor do I want to hear from them. I just wished and wonder if they knew the truth, which once again, I can bet my life, I cant bet anything and everything that his family has no real clue as to what happened to us. It's probably better off that way for him at least, seeing the reaction to his brothers lifestyle years ago, his family was mortified and traumatised, as was I at the time. This would just be a repeat of that and his mom doesnt need that in her life. Its just sad that, as the lyric goes, "my momma never knew, but I do, I do, my momma never knew."
The lies I tell strangers or fairweather friends, make me more colorful and really, do "they" matter?
I was and sorta still am curious as to how Rob has explained the many dramas over the years, including this last bout, to his family or mum.
I have always confided in my mom. Ive broken down in front of her telling her whats gone on, including this latest episode. Although seeing her gay son upset, and possibly feeling a bit uncomfortable, Im her son and she hates to see me in pain, but I confide in her 100% and she gives me 100% support. She knows that Rob has a shady past, that Rob messed around on me, she knows when I lost it on him etc, she is one of my true confidants.
Rob's mum on the other hand, poor thing is under a completely different illusion of her son. For some reason I cant see Rob telling his mom, time and time again over the years, "I messed behind Franco's back, and he kicked me out/we broke up".
I got a "message" from her through another friend the other week, "thank you for what you are doing to my son." - My response, as bitchy as it was, was "You can thank your son for what he has/had done to me", not sure if that message ever went through but its what i sent back. She cant possibly know the truth. Which makes Robs situation, Robs life that much more sad. Who does he confide in? Is it all just in his head? The fact that I couldnt tell the truth to anyone would kill me. That is just my character. I understand that alot of Robs life, outside of his M-F, 9-5, is secretive and shady, it was with me, Im almost positive it is with his family as well. I always tell my mom, Im out with my friend, when Im not. Im sure Rob used my name as an excuse, "Im goin out with Franco", meanwhile he probably found himself at the back of an alley, blowing some seedy, sex line chat queer and then goin back home.
It's sad that he cant even tell his family about his ups and downs, truthfully, well not the downs as no one has caused them but Rob himself. His family, well nobody would have any pity when you cause your own dramas. He was surprised at the fact that my family never contacted him? That I found funny...I can see it now, "Dear Rob, sorry about what happened between you and Franco. You messed around again, its ok, we still love you" - Is that what he expected? He crossed me again and somehow thought my family, would offer to speak to him still or offer a shoulder to cry on, or lend an ear? He is so dillusional, when I heard that comment about them not contacting him and him being surprised, I was left with my jaw wide open. He makes no sense. Why would they, why should they? I didnt see his mother or brothers call me, telling me how sorry they were for their son being what he is, for having done what he had/has done, numerous times, yet he expected to hear from my family?
I didnt and dont expect his family to contact me, nor do I want to hear from them. I just wished and wonder if they knew the truth, which once again, I can bet my life, I cant bet anything and everything that his family has no real clue as to what happened to us. It's probably better off that way for him at least, seeing the reaction to his brothers lifestyle years ago, his family was mortified and traumatised, as was I at the time. This would just be a repeat of that and his mom doesnt need that in her life. Its just sad that, as the lyric goes, "my momma never knew, but I do, I do, my momma never knew."
September 12, 2009
People in glass houses....
One thing that Rob, has said to me over the last year or so, was that "I scared him".
Ive asked him many times to explain, to which no valid reason was ever given. I told him in my "letter of closure" that he has me all misconstrued. I asked, in my letter, if my raising my voice is what scared him.
He told me I was abusive which is another thing that makes me laugh. By raising my voice or yelling when he crossed me, he considered this "abusive"
I admit to hitting him about 16 years ago, and as far as I'm concerned it was well deserved. Playing with emotions is not a fun game. Its all fun and games til some gets a black eye and deserved it. Apart from that I never hit him. I did once, again about 15 years back freak on him in a room I was renting, but that again was due to the fact that he was just playing games with me, when I wanted, and he knew, I wanted otherwise. Apart from that nothing. I'm not saying he didn't deserve a swift kick in the ass or face for that matter, during times of infidelities, but I held back, trust me when I say I wanted to beat the crap out of him, but again, I held back.
It's funny that he played all innocent. Did he not think that cheating on me, running around behind my back, time and time again was a form of "abuse"- potentially putting me in harms way, by possibly giving me an STD? That's far more abusive than I ever was. The black eye I gave him went away after a few days - Had he passed on some disease, I could be dead today or severely ill - That's not abuse...hmmmm.
There I would be, going to bed after spending the night with him, and me thinking he was off to his bed at his home. When in fact that isn't where he was going at all.
As you read other posts you will see what i mean.
Rob was, as far as I'm concerned, the one to be abusive over the course of the 15, 16 years I knew him. I hit him once and freaked out on him once. He on the other hand, was "abusive" in his way, countless times. Once I hit Rob, I vowed to never do that again. Knowing I was wrong, I never did it again and can admit to it, Rob on the other hand was abusive the first time, then confronted, was abusive a second time, confronted and you can figure out the pattern from here and reading the below entries. This again lasted 15+ years.
The old saying, "People in glass houses shouldn't throw stones" rings out loud and clear.
Ive asked him many times to explain, to which no valid reason was ever given. I told him in my "letter of closure" that he has me all misconstrued. I asked, in my letter, if my raising my voice is what scared him.
He told me I was abusive which is another thing that makes me laugh. By raising my voice or yelling when he crossed me, he considered this "abusive"
I admit to hitting him about 16 years ago, and as far as I'm concerned it was well deserved. Playing with emotions is not a fun game. Its all fun and games til some gets a black eye and deserved it. Apart from that I never hit him. I did once, again about 15 years back freak on him in a room I was renting, but that again was due to the fact that he was just playing games with me, when I wanted, and he knew, I wanted otherwise. Apart from that nothing. I'm not saying he didn't deserve a swift kick in the ass or face for that matter, during times of infidelities, but I held back, trust me when I say I wanted to beat the crap out of him, but again, I held back.
It's funny that he played all innocent. Did he not think that cheating on me, running around behind my back, time and time again was a form of "abuse"- potentially putting me in harms way, by possibly giving me an STD? That's far more abusive than I ever was. The black eye I gave him went away after a few days - Had he passed on some disease, I could be dead today or severely ill - That's not abuse...hmmmm.
There I would be, going to bed after spending the night with him, and me thinking he was off to his bed at his home. When in fact that isn't where he was going at all.
As you read other posts you will see what i mean.
Rob was, as far as I'm concerned, the one to be abusive over the course of the 15, 16 years I knew him. I hit him once and freaked out on him once. He on the other hand, was "abusive" in his way, countless times. Once I hit Rob, I vowed to never do that again. Knowing I was wrong, I never did it again and can admit to it, Rob on the other hand was abusive the first time, then confronted, was abusive a second time, confronted and you can figure out the pattern from here and reading the below entries. This again lasted 15+ years.
The old saying, "People in glass houses shouldn't throw stones" rings out loud and clear.
Deep Secrets...
About 7,8, possibly even 9 years back...Rob and I planned yet another jaunt on over to merry ole England. With the trip already booked and I in the midst of planning accommodations one evening, I got a call. It was Rob calling me from his car telling me he was let go from his "banking" job. He worked as a "telephone banking rep" for a major Canadian bank. He wasn't laid off nor did he quit, he was fired. Something he hates to admit, but once again, it was true. I asked why, what happened and I got some half assed excuse that made no sense to me. I forget now if it was that he had opened a "personal" email or had taken a "personal" phone call, it was one or the other but believe it was the email if memory serves me correctly. My theory is, they cant just let you go, they would have to warn you. So either, he didn't take any warning seriously OR whatever he did was bad enough to just let him go, no warning needed...
Shortly before this had happened, knowing that Rob was usually up to no good, he was careless to leave his work phone's pass code on my phone. Which after having suspicions, I began to call into. There was a reoccurring voicemail from some guy. Most of the messages from this guy, were not work related. I could tell they were personal calls. I confronted Rob on this on his return home one night. I asked him to not speak to this guy again, unless it was work related. Rob never got upset when I would make these "requests" and I think that is because, in an odd way, I had caught him out again. Without admitting anything to me, Rob would cease to stay in communication with said persons, as far as I knew.
Funny that he was worried that my blog here could potentially ruin his "career" when in fact, in the past, he had done it all on his own, of his own doing.
I can bet everything I own, that his "release" from his banking days, was due to his slagging ways and using work phone numbers or emails address' as a means of communicating with others behind my back. He would never admit to it, but reading the below posts, and piecing things all together, it makes sense that, that is what happened, and I'm sure will happen again. He has addictions to the worst possible things, I think Id rather he be hooked on smack than his seedy lifestyle - but those dark secrets, the dark side of Robert, is whats made him, possibly, the worst person Ive ever met. The saddest creature to troll the earth. Secrets kill and our history proved that...hmmmm.
Shortly before this had happened, knowing that Rob was usually up to no good, he was careless to leave his work phone's pass code on my phone. Which after having suspicions, I began to call into. There was a reoccurring voicemail from some guy. Most of the messages from this guy, were not work related. I could tell they were personal calls. I confronted Rob on this on his return home one night. I asked him to not speak to this guy again, unless it was work related. Rob never got upset when I would make these "requests" and I think that is because, in an odd way, I had caught him out again. Without admitting anything to me, Rob would cease to stay in communication with said persons, as far as I knew.
Funny that he was worried that my blog here could potentially ruin his "career" when in fact, in the past, he had done it all on his own, of his own doing.
I can bet everything I own, that his "release" from his banking days, was due to his slagging ways and using work phone numbers or emails address' as a means of communicating with others behind my back. He would never admit to it, but reading the below posts, and piecing things all together, it makes sense that, that is what happened, and I'm sure will happen again. He has addictions to the worst possible things, I think Id rather he be hooked on smack than his seedy lifestyle - but those dark secrets, the dark side of Robert, is whats made him, possibly, the worst person Ive ever met. The saddest creature to troll the earth. Secrets kill and our history proved that...hmmmm.
Insecurities....
I have to say in rereading parts of this blog, that I became another person for a while, when I was with Rob. I was never the jealous type prior to meeting Rob, I was never given any reason. With other boyfriends, never felt that I had to watch my back or anything of that nature. They were comfortable and flowed sweetly. I must admit that for a while I did feel that way with Rob, until he created "our" dramas.
Its nice to not have to even think of certain things while with someone. Unfortunately that was short lived between Rob and I. He gave me every reason to feel insecure, jealous and also rage, at his actions. I recall going to Uni with him a few times...walking down the road to classes with him, and him gawking at other guys as I spoke to him. I remember once just saying to him, Look at the floor" cuz his eyes were drawn to every other guy who waltzed down the road. Being a 24, 25 year old, who already had a a hard time as Rob jerked me around a bit before we actually became a "couple" it was kind of hard to think he wanted to be with me and only me, though at the time I was thrilled.
There was a time years later when I met a gorgeous man, who I will admit I had a major "crush" on..he was gorgeous, sexy and out of this world. I had never acted out on any of my lustful desires, regardless of the "dry sheets" at home with Rob...I remember this guy being on my mind 24/7. This episode lasted a few weeks, but as I said nothing ever became of it. I did eventually fess up my feeling, but my feelings were that of a lustful nature. I didn't want anything other than a shag, but withheld my desires and settled for "nothing at home".
Rob on the other hand, played his cards differently and acted out, that's one major difference between us. I don't doubt that couples see other people and fantasize about being with them in one form or another, but you would think or hope that these fantasies remained just that, with Rob, again, that wasn't the case...
It wasn't until I realised that I was being cheated on that my insecurities grew out of control. For whatever reason Rob thought that I was a bit much BUT had the shoe been on the other foot, I wonder how his reactions would have been.
Prior to me, Rob had never had any other true boyfriends..this makes me wonder why...I have said it before that I don't think he is b/f material.
There are those queers who live from shag to shag, blow job to blow job, that's Rob's scene.
I on the other hand, along with a minor percentage of the queer population, look or want to get to know the "other person". I am a true believer in monogamy. I thought my relationship with Rob was just that, but thanks to Rob, my relationship was one of these typical queer relationships..."its just sex, it means nothing, I love you" type of deals, that's not what I signed up for.
People that Ive met over the course of, "The Next Chapter" of my life, find it hard to believe that I don't "give it up" so easily...That's not my style. I do admit to one stands in the past, before Rob, but I'm pushing 40 and can get laid whenever I want, I chose to get to know someone, like someone, feel comfortable with someone before I do the dirty...Mind you maybe one too many vodkas would work, but that's my little secret.
Rob falls into the opposite scenario, one compliment and hes down on his knees...Momma must be proud...
Its nice to not have to even think of certain things while with someone. Unfortunately that was short lived between Rob and I. He gave me every reason to feel insecure, jealous and also rage, at his actions. I recall going to Uni with him a few times...walking down the road to classes with him, and him gawking at other guys as I spoke to him. I remember once just saying to him, Look at the floor" cuz his eyes were drawn to every other guy who waltzed down the road. Being a 24, 25 year old, who already had a a hard time as Rob jerked me around a bit before we actually became a "couple" it was kind of hard to think he wanted to be with me and only me, though at the time I was thrilled.
There was a time years later when I met a gorgeous man, who I will admit I had a major "crush" on..he was gorgeous, sexy and out of this world. I had never acted out on any of my lustful desires, regardless of the "dry sheets" at home with Rob...I remember this guy being on my mind 24/7. This episode lasted a few weeks, but as I said nothing ever became of it. I did eventually fess up my feeling, but my feelings were that of a lustful nature. I didn't want anything other than a shag, but withheld my desires and settled for "nothing at home".
Rob on the other hand, played his cards differently and acted out, that's one major difference between us. I don't doubt that couples see other people and fantasize about being with them in one form or another, but you would think or hope that these fantasies remained just that, with Rob, again, that wasn't the case...
It wasn't until I realised that I was being cheated on that my insecurities grew out of control. For whatever reason Rob thought that I was a bit much BUT had the shoe been on the other foot, I wonder how his reactions would have been.
Prior to me, Rob had never had any other true boyfriends..this makes me wonder why...I have said it before that I don't think he is b/f material.
There are those queers who live from shag to shag, blow job to blow job, that's Rob's scene.
I on the other hand, along with a minor percentage of the queer population, look or want to get to know the "other person". I am a true believer in monogamy. I thought my relationship with Rob was just that, but thanks to Rob, my relationship was one of these typical queer relationships..."its just sex, it means nothing, I love you" type of deals, that's not what I signed up for.
People that Ive met over the course of, "The Next Chapter" of my life, find it hard to believe that I don't "give it up" so easily...That's not my style. I do admit to one stands in the past, before Rob, but I'm pushing 40 and can get laid whenever I want, I chose to get to know someone, like someone, feel comfortable with someone before I do the dirty...Mind you maybe one too many vodkas would work, but that's my little secret.
Rob falls into the opposite scenario, one compliment and hes down on his knees...Momma must be proud...
September 10, 2009
Therapy 101
I've mentioned before I believe that in the beginning, when I first met Rob, rather shortly after, I put myself into therapy for many reasons. Mainly due to the fact that at the time I had countless suicidal episodes, and was clinically depressed, which, after the years of therapy I did, I can talk openly about and laugh about - One ex, Neil, would joke, "Franco, you cant even kill yourself.", when I would utter, "I'm going to kill you" - Neil had a knack to turn a bad thing into something you'd smile or laugh about. This wasn't the case with Rob, but that's another entry...
When Rob and I had our fallout late this spring, it was brought to my attention that Rob thought we should both do therapy, separately of course. Initially I was dead against it. I don't have a problem...Now I'm a total poster child for therapy and medications should you require them, they did me a world of good and I'm happy that I did it when I knew I needed it. No one had to tell me, I went of my own accord and enquired-and in the end did about 5 years of therapy.
Rob did therapy with a doctor I used to call, "Stumpy" cuz he had a bum leg.
That doctor by the way, was brought up on some fraud charges years later - that in itself speaks volumes...Funny that Rob should have had him as a doctor - One "fraud" to another... I'd told my friends, and knew, and still know that Rob wasn't bringing the problems he had, up front with his doctor. I know this because, nothing changed -Hearing that he thought I should do therapy was hilarious as I was the one "disrespected" for lack of a better word. He was the one with these "addictions" of sorts, not me? To this day they continue as he's wanking on the WWW - which isn't a problem now - but it was when he was stringing me along. I think allot of people tend to think that, I think he shouldn't do these things - After the "cut off" - He was free to do as he pleases. Its what happened during his "stringing me along" that I had the issues, not today. I just know he is trash now, that's a different thing :)
Anyways, he wanted me to go into therapy for my reactions. Having had a shovel hit you in the face, time and time and time again, would make anyone react. The one thing Rob tends to forget, is that I remember everything. He would talk about movies we had gone to see together, which in the end, wasn't with me?? Or that we had gone certain places together, when...it wasn't with me. He must have been getting me confused with other slags as himself? Cuz I wasn't at these "events" he mentioned - that always baffled me. In the end, in regards to therapy,I refused to go because, I myself realised I was taken for a fool for way too long. I didn't have a hidden secret trashy life. I wasn't living one and leading another - That is Rob -
I had heard that he was in therapy but think, at his age, and his way of thinking and the seedy lifestyle he leads - he is a lost cause. My friends said I was ruining the chance, at one day, possibly, even, sitting down for a coffee?? That to some degree I miss him? I can honestly say the best thing that's happened in a long time, is ridding him out of my life. The fun Ive had over the last month or so, as I start going out and meeting people, has been the most fun Ive had in a long time. With Rob in the picture, none of this could have happened. Many countless months I didnt meet anyone cuz he was with me, yet he was behind my back, so he has wasted far too much of my time and being a selfish, greedy slag. My reaction to my friend was, "You re mad! - I never want to see him again, there's no thought in my mind, that I will never see him again" - As I told him this in the last communication I had with him back in July, and one thing I'm good at, one thing I excel at, is keeping my word. Which is more than I can say about...Rob
So sad that he lost his best friend, and the only lover that would put up with his shenanigans - Has ta La Vista Baby!
When Rob and I had our fallout late this spring, it was brought to my attention that Rob thought we should both do therapy, separately of course. Initially I was dead against it. I don't have a problem...Now I'm a total poster child for therapy and medications should you require them, they did me a world of good and I'm happy that I did it when I knew I needed it. No one had to tell me, I went of my own accord and enquired-and in the end did about 5 years of therapy.
Rob did therapy with a doctor I used to call, "Stumpy" cuz he had a bum leg.
That doctor by the way, was brought up on some fraud charges years later - that in itself speaks volumes...Funny that Rob should have had him as a doctor - One "fraud" to another... I'd told my friends, and knew, and still know that Rob wasn't bringing the problems he had, up front with his doctor. I know this because, nothing changed -Hearing that he thought I should do therapy was hilarious as I was the one "disrespected" for lack of a better word. He was the one with these "addictions" of sorts, not me? To this day they continue as he's wanking on the WWW - which isn't a problem now - but it was when he was stringing me along. I think allot of people tend to think that, I think he shouldn't do these things - After the "cut off" - He was free to do as he pleases. Its what happened during his "stringing me along" that I had the issues, not today. I just know he is trash now, that's a different thing :)
Anyways, he wanted me to go into therapy for my reactions. Having had a shovel hit you in the face, time and time and time again, would make anyone react. The one thing Rob tends to forget, is that I remember everything. He would talk about movies we had gone to see together, which in the end, wasn't with me?? Or that we had gone certain places together, when...it wasn't with me. He must have been getting me confused with other slags as himself? Cuz I wasn't at these "events" he mentioned - that always baffled me. In the end, in regards to therapy,I refused to go because, I myself realised I was taken for a fool for way too long. I didn't have a hidden secret trashy life. I wasn't living one and leading another - That is Rob -
I had heard that he was in therapy but think, at his age, and his way of thinking and the seedy lifestyle he leads - he is a lost cause. My friends said I was ruining the chance, at one day, possibly, even, sitting down for a coffee?? That to some degree I miss him? I can honestly say the best thing that's happened in a long time, is ridding him out of my life. The fun Ive had over the last month or so, as I start going out and meeting people, has been the most fun Ive had in a long time. With Rob in the picture, none of this could have happened. Many countless months I didnt meet anyone cuz he was with me, yet he was behind my back, so he has wasted far too much of my time and being a selfish, greedy slag. My reaction to my friend was, "You re mad! - I never want to see him again, there's no thought in my mind, that I will never see him again" - As I told him this in the last communication I had with him back in July, and one thing I'm good at, one thing I excel at, is keeping my word. Which is more than I can say about...Rob
So sad that he lost his best friend, and the only lover that would put up with his shenanigans - Has ta La Vista Baby!
Single Encouragement -
As I sit here feeling like ass, down with the flu -
Its given me countless hours where my mind has wandered...and wandered etc...
Now firstly before I go on, the blog was re-organized with certain info deleted/altered, but only what had to be, the rest, of my history is as it was, just re-done today - no threats ever worry me and I welcome the challenge, anytime!
Moving on...Over the last 2 months or so, on my own, Ive been forced to take certain matters into my own hands, literally. At the same time, certain peeps believe this is a "journal of revenge" which its not. Its my tales of my past, unfortunately a big part of my past included Rob so should he look at this, Deal with it! -
Moving on...Again, Ive been forced to take care of myself, by myself, put myself out there, do things for myself, which as the weeks go on, I can say, I'm proud of myself.
At the same time I have to say that I've done it alone and with honest friends - No lying lover. Ive managed to get on my regime of health and fitness, Francos "regime of health and fitness" - While with Rob, he was the worst influence in that sense or means of support. I have to say I was horrible in the smoking dept cuz I love it so much BUT when it came to health and well being, I had Rob to thank for the many times I fell off the wagon. Pizza and fries and foods that go against my "new way of living" - Granted I never had to give in, but when Rob was scarfing down pizza and I was sitting eating a salad, it was very easy to grab a few, a few more and a few more..
I recall one January, after the holidays, I put myself on a strict regime - 3 weeks into it and after all the hard work I was putting into losing weight and trying to make myself look different, I hadn't lost an ounce and lost it. Balling and sobbing that I was really trying hard. Though I'm not sure what mirror Rob looked in, he too was gaining weight, as we all do, in the most unflattering parts of the body.
For whatever reason I'm able to say Ive gained weight, I need to lose weight, etc -
Rob on the other hand, thought otherwise, of both himself and me.
I would make cracks, though serious at the same time about certain "imperfections" that could be rectified with the right work, yet he took it as in insult?
I would have been more than happy for him to tell me Ive put on weight, because I knew when I did. He on the other hand, again, thinks hes invincible and these things don't happen to him? I question his being a "human being" and this is just another reason I questioned it again. I've learned that the only person to encourage me, is just that me. As the person who supposedly encouraging me, was more dis-honest that I thought - I believe he called this love - ;)
Out there...Too late?
So this past weekend, I treated myself to a night on the town with a friend of mine.
Meeting new people reminds me of how sad my existence with Rob really was, and for so long. I met a great guy, who chances are Ill never see again, but the experience is what I'm on about. At the same time, this isn't someone I spent the night with,(my name's not Rob), before you think that, mind you we hung out til gone 4 in the morning. The way this guy looked at me and touched me and made me feel was incredible. To feel that someone was so into you, and passionately showing me was incredible. Feeling wanted, attractive, even sexy...and I'm the last person to say that I'm any of the mentioned. I woke up this morning giggling about the previous nights happenings. That's a feeling I haven't had in years. To have someone look at me and like who their with, was a wonderful feeling. I missed that so much. Even being out, enjoying music and drinking with friends was a nice time out. An evening like that between Rob and I hasn't happened, Id say in about 10 years. I missed out on so much and if he thinks I didn't sacrifice much, then he is wrong, cuz I loved nights like last night. It has nothing to do with meeting new people, rather, being with people, feeling alive. Letting my hair down and shaking my ass and being social. Carefree to the extreme was my night last night and i loved it. How did that die between Rob and me. I felt so unattractive or unappealing for lack of a better word, especially the last 5 or so years, longer really, I'm being kind. I cant imagine what spending the rest of my life with Rob would have been like. In only a few weeks of "The Next Chapter" of my life, Ive realised or I am realising the life I was living was crap. Sure I don't have anyone special to come home to, share birthdays or holidays, but having what I had almost almost angers me, to think i did nothing about changing it. I'm stepping up and out - and as good old Costanza put it, "I'm out there!!" -
Meeting new people reminds me of how sad my existence with Rob really was, and for so long. I met a great guy, who chances are Ill never see again, but the experience is what I'm on about. At the same time, this isn't someone I spent the night with,(my name's not Rob), before you think that, mind you we hung out til gone 4 in the morning. The way this guy looked at me and touched me and made me feel was incredible. To feel that someone was so into you, and passionately showing me was incredible. Feeling wanted, attractive, even sexy...and I'm the last person to say that I'm any of the mentioned. I woke up this morning giggling about the previous nights happenings. That's a feeling I haven't had in years. To have someone look at me and like who their with, was a wonderful feeling. I missed that so much. Even being out, enjoying music and drinking with friends was a nice time out. An evening like that between Rob and I hasn't happened, Id say in about 10 years. I missed out on so much and if he thinks I didn't sacrifice much, then he is wrong, cuz I loved nights like last night. It has nothing to do with meeting new people, rather, being with people, feeling alive. Letting my hair down and shaking my ass and being social. Carefree to the extreme was my night last night and i loved it. How did that die between Rob and me. I felt so unattractive or unappealing for lack of a better word, especially the last 5 or so years, longer really, I'm being kind. I cant imagine what spending the rest of my life with Rob would have been like. In only a few weeks of "The Next Chapter" of my life, Ive realised or I am realising the life I was living was crap. Sure I don't have anyone special to come home to, share birthdays or holidays, but having what I had almost almost angers me, to think i did nothing about changing it. I'm stepping up and out - and as good old Costanza put it, "I'm out there!!" -
Dillusional?
In October of 08, my brother and his gal pal, along with Rob and myself took a weekend adventure up north for a long weekend. The place was rustic and fabulous at the same time. I always look at my brothers relationship with his chick, they have an awesome connection. Shortly after that weekend, in emailing back and forth with Rob at work, I said, "I wish I had a relationship the way my brother has with his gal"...
I think reading this shocked or upset him as his response was, "I gave you that" or something along those line. Naturally I was completely confused at his response.
He gave me that?? I'm not sure what world he is/was living in...I'm not sure what relationship he was in, that he thought he "gave that to me"???
My brother and his gal are silly, goofy, do separate things, have sex, leave their home, are social...Did Rob think we were like that?
We had no sex. In the year 2006, we never had sex, the year before I think, if we managed to shag 5 times, possibly 6, I was lucky. I had to find it elsewhere near the end of that year, cuz I am a man, have needs and knew this relationship was dead in the water, we were just going through the motions. It was nice to feel attractive again, something I hadn't felt in at least 18 or so months...I didn't even feel guilty when I satisfied my needs with someone else, and still don't. This is something I did eventually confess to Rob about a year later, we had already split. Part of it was so he knew what it felt like-he never got mad and I can only say that was because he had done the same to me, many times over, over the previous 10-12 years. He couldn't possibly say anything, and didn't.
At the same time, we never went out. Leaving the apartment was like pulling teeth. Our weekends would consist of a Wal-Mart run, Sobeys and the LCBO, was that the social life he was talking about? I love my vodka, but drinking one on a patio would have been more interesting. I'm not going to say I was always wanting to go out, but I was easier to move than him. He had his ass firmly planted on my couch.
He chose to sleep rather than shag or have fun with me. Many times as the hours passed on our dull weekends, I would just get so irritated and thought, right, I'm doing my own thing and would float away into cyber-land, or work on a project, listen to music to occupy my time, to entertain myself, as it wasn't happening with Rob.
So in ending this entry, I'm still baffled at how Rob thinks he "gave me" similar things that my brother and his gal pal have between them. The 2 relationships are night and day...I think even if Rob hadn't messed around, and our lives were as they were the last couple of years, this relationship would have ended as that isn't living at all...So be for warned - his idea of fun, is actually quite lame and 0 adventure. Luckily for me, I chose to break up because of infidelities over the years, trust me when I say, I would much rather have split, telling him that he is boring as opposed to being a slag, but hey...Truth be known, I let go of a boring slag - two fold!
I think reading this shocked or upset him as his response was, "I gave you that" or something along those line. Naturally I was completely confused at his response.
He gave me that?? I'm not sure what world he is/was living in...I'm not sure what relationship he was in, that he thought he "gave that to me"???
My brother and his gal are silly, goofy, do separate things, have sex, leave their home, are social...Did Rob think we were like that?
We had no sex. In the year 2006, we never had sex, the year before I think, if we managed to shag 5 times, possibly 6, I was lucky. I had to find it elsewhere near the end of that year, cuz I am a man, have needs and knew this relationship was dead in the water, we were just going through the motions. It was nice to feel attractive again, something I hadn't felt in at least 18 or so months...I didn't even feel guilty when I satisfied my needs with someone else, and still don't. This is something I did eventually confess to Rob about a year later, we had already split. Part of it was so he knew what it felt like-he never got mad and I can only say that was because he had done the same to me, many times over, over the previous 10-12 years. He couldn't possibly say anything, and didn't.
At the same time, we never went out. Leaving the apartment was like pulling teeth. Our weekends would consist of a Wal-Mart run, Sobeys and the LCBO, was that the social life he was talking about? I love my vodka, but drinking one on a patio would have been more interesting. I'm not going to say I was always wanting to go out, but I was easier to move than him. He had his ass firmly planted on my couch.
He chose to sleep rather than shag or have fun with me. Many times as the hours passed on our dull weekends, I would just get so irritated and thought, right, I'm doing my own thing and would float away into cyber-land, or work on a project, listen to music to occupy my time, to entertain myself, as it wasn't happening with Rob.
So in ending this entry, I'm still baffled at how Rob thinks he "gave me" similar things that my brother and his gal pal have between them. The 2 relationships are night and day...I think even if Rob hadn't messed around, and our lives were as they were the last couple of years, this relationship would have ended as that isn't living at all...So be for warned - his idea of fun, is actually quite lame and 0 adventure. Luckily for me, I chose to break up because of infidelities over the years, trust me when I say, I would much rather have split, telling him that he is boring as opposed to being a slag, but hey...Truth be known, I let go of a boring slag - two fold!
Defintions?
Rereading some of the entries, other memories filter through my mind -
The post about my asking Rob if he had cheated...I remember asking or saying to him rather, "you left my apt, went and slept with someone else and then came back to me and kissed my lips" - he went silent. He said "I didnt sleep with anyone"...
Now as far as Im concerned...even making out with someone, is leading to cheating, is cheating as its stemming from something.
Rob professed not to have slept with said "trick". I remember saying - "so you left my apt, went and sucked some guys cock, and then came back to me?" and after a lengthy pause, I got a "yes" - Did that not constitute, cheating? The fact that you didnt cuddle in bed, with this one in particular, not make it cheating? Cuz you didnt wake up with this one in the morning, rather you raced home to shower and get rid of any "manly" scent before coming back to stay with your current boyfriend, not make it cheating? Its cheating my friend, adultery, deceit and all of the above.
I think he lives in this fictious bubble and feels he is invincible - not so.
I remember my gal pal saying to me years ago..."Maybe he wants to get caught" -
Either that or he is the worst liar and cheat Ive ever known. He was and is no good at lying this is why it kills me that he cant be a real man, an honest man. If everytime you lie you got caught, wouldnt it be easier to be honest? At least if youre tellin the truth, you cant fuck it up as you are telling it like it is. Theres no need to think of what story you had made up -
I think its all an illness with him, some deep psychological mental illness. Not one that I have an ounce of pity for.
There used to be the woman who lives in my bldg and she was a crack head - The Crackhead of Regal Rd - For this woman, I had absolutely zero pity for, she was causing her own demise, to the point where, within months of moving out of Regal Rd, she was found dead. I remember when I was told of her death, my response was, "no great loss really" - I could care less that she had dropped dead and far as Im concerned she was better off that way. That really was the first time I had no pity for someone passing, she really was a waste of human life - Enter Rob...
After all the continuing sick and twisted shenenigan hes pulled, he has sunk to the level of - The Crackhead of Regal Rd - He too is probably better off, off this planet - So there now are 2 people who Ive encounterd, that are true wastes of human lives - Sad really that they have sunk to that but hey, better them, than me :)
The post about my asking Rob if he had cheated...I remember asking or saying to him rather, "you left my apt, went and slept with someone else and then came back to me and kissed my lips" - he went silent. He said "I didnt sleep with anyone"...
Now as far as Im concerned...even making out with someone, is leading to cheating, is cheating as its stemming from something.
Rob professed not to have slept with said "trick". I remember saying - "so you left my apt, went and sucked some guys cock, and then came back to me?" and after a lengthy pause, I got a "yes" - Did that not constitute, cheating? The fact that you didnt cuddle in bed, with this one in particular, not make it cheating? Cuz you didnt wake up with this one in the morning, rather you raced home to shower and get rid of any "manly" scent before coming back to stay with your current boyfriend, not make it cheating? Its cheating my friend, adultery, deceit and all of the above.
I think he lives in this fictious bubble and feels he is invincible - not so.
I remember my gal pal saying to me years ago..."Maybe he wants to get caught" -
Either that or he is the worst liar and cheat Ive ever known. He was and is no good at lying this is why it kills me that he cant be a real man, an honest man. If everytime you lie you got caught, wouldnt it be easier to be honest? At least if youre tellin the truth, you cant fuck it up as you are telling it like it is. Theres no need to think of what story you had made up -
I think its all an illness with him, some deep psychological mental illness. Not one that I have an ounce of pity for.
There used to be the woman who lives in my bldg and she was a crack head - The Crackhead of Regal Rd - For this woman, I had absolutely zero pity for, she was causing her own demise, to the point where, within months of moving out of Regal Rd, she was found dead. I remember when I was told of her death, my response was, "no great loss really" - I could care less that she had dropped dead and far as Im concerned she was better off that way. That really was the first time I had no pity for someone passing, she really was a waste of human life - Enter Rob...
After all the continuing sick and twisted shenenigan hes pulled, he has sunk to the level of - The Crackhead of Regal Rd - He too is probably better off, off this planet - So there now are 2 people who Ive encounterd, that are true wastes of human lives - Sad really that they have sunk to that but hey, better them, than me :)
Self Respect = 0
The other day while chatting with a work friend, we were discussing relationships and what not - My friend jokingly asked about 3somes. I told her that, that is something I could never do, I'm to greedy. I said if I had both, Johnny Depp and Brad Pitt I would take them one at a time. I went on to tell her I had too much respect for myself to even do something like that. I know for some people its a way of life, not me. I remember Rob had this friend, Claude. I had heard this name since meeting Rob. Rob had told me that he had slept with this Claude fella. He also told me that Claude had been in a relationship. That sorta threw me off. Rob knew Claude was in a relationship, yet he still slept with him? As well as remained friends? As I sit here writing that I'm thinking, that that too should have been a sign to step off. He knew this and went on to shag? This also speaks volumes when it comes to Claude, typical promiscuous queer... Again showing signs of being a slag. I would never even get close to someone in a relationship. I remember as well Rob telling me about a 3some he had, at least at one time he did this. It too was probably with a couple, not 2 other "hook ups". Which leads to my next conclusion that Rob has no self respect as a man or human being for that matter, for himself or others, I can attest to that as well as others I'm sure, who really know the real Rob. Rob fills the description of "home wrecker" - As stupid as I think this Claude fella was, Rob was just as twisted to have slept with someone knowing they were in a relationship. Which I guess in retrospect pieces together the way Rob is. If I could tell the people Rob meets, what the real Rob was like, he wouldn't have a friend in the world, wouldn't never have a lover again. Which in my opinion I think he never will. He doesnt know the meaning of committment, thoughe he would tell you otherwise. He doesn't deserve to be happy as far as I'm concerned. He is a horrible human being as Ive stated before. He is a prime candidate for STDs and more than likely will suffer from a few, if he hasn't already. This is probably why at times our sex life was as dull as dishwater, he was hiding something, some ailment from me. Could it be? More than likely YES!
Legally Queer
I am regularly being tested for any disease, I'm actually going again Dec 1st for further testing as I was told these "ailments" can incubate for 4, 5 years sometimes longer.
Rob messed around so much that at this point, as I said I am taking care of number one. Its hard to get close to people, in a physical manner, when thoughts of disease loom in the back of your mind. Like I mentioned in the post prior to this one, Rob had a few "interesting" infections all the while being physical with myself.
I think he thought, rather I know having spoken to him about it, I was just a toy, not a human being. Unlike him, I didnt and don't sleep with random people, even after we split, but didn't split, I wouldn't have slept with him for the sakes of just getting off. That is his style but it doesn't and didn't fly with me, so I was being used yet again - He gave me strep throat upon returning from a holiday to the UK - Just like he was messing around the last time I went on vacation, he must have then as well, who gave him strep throat, which he eventually passed on to me? So as the years went on these thoughts went through my mind. Ive had confirmation of slagging around, so there in lies the answer -
Rob messed around so much that at this point, as I said I am taking care of number one. Its hard to get close to people, in a physical manner, when thoughts of disease loom in the back of your mind. Like I mentioned in the post prior to this one, Rob had a few "interesting" infections all the while being physical with myself.
I think he thought, rather I know having spoken to him about it, I was just a toy, not a human being. Unlike him, I didnt and don't sleep with random people, even after we split, but didn't split, I wouldn't have slept with him for the sakes of just getting off. That is his style but it doesn't and didn't fly with me, so I was being used yet again - He gave me strep throat upon returning from a holiday to the UK - Just like he was messing around the last time I went on vacation, he must have then as well, who gave him strep throat, which he eventually passed on to me? So as the years went on these thoughts went through my mind. Ive had confirmation of slagging around, so there in lies the answer -
Cottaging, of a different kind
Back in the summer of 06, as we took our annual "cottage vacation" to some unknown rented cottage in great white north, well, northern Ontario...
We went to a place called "The Silver Birches" -
I at this point, knew our relationship was on skid row - heading there fast. I didn't even want to go at the time of departure. At this point I started to chat to people, to experience life vicariously through others and I knew what to expect and not to expect up north so I went up haphazardly. I made the most of my time away from the big city. I tried to enjoy the peacefulness that was "Silver Birches".
One afternoon, a boater came up to our dock as we fished, suntanned, drank....
He was obviously aware that we were queer. I think he took a liking to chatting to "other guys" while his family was at the beach, across from where our cottage sat. The chit chat that was struck up caused my guard to go up - I know a sleaze ball when I see one, from experience. This "boater" was a sleazeball. Funny that Rob carried on a conversation with him...after he left the first time. I told Rob that he more than likely wanted to get off with one of us if not both of us, which isn't my scene. You could tell by his body language and words that were spoken. Rob and I discussed this and Rob didn't believe what I had to say, which was fine by me and not surprising, all part of "the act".
The boater came back again and it was more obvious what he wanted, yet Rob was ignorant to this, or more than likely hoped I would stay up in the cabin... this itself repulsed me.
Having gone to the cottage for the last 6, 7 years, it was to celebrate our anniversary, which ironically was, Aug. 13th, he asked me on a Friday, back in 93.
Anyways the things I didn't expect were sex and an erotic time out in the wilderness.
Our friends were coming up on the Thursday of that weekend and taking over the cottage the following week. That Thursday I lay lifeless on the sofa watching Golden Girl DVDs to quell my frustration and boredom - we eventually went into the bedroom, for what must have been the lamest shag I ever experienced - As I left the bedroom this time, I uttered - "I could have done that myself" and left - He was insulted and none impressed but I didn't care as I was done -
The next 2 days couldn't end fast enough and then I realised, this was the biggest waste of a thousand dollars, the rental fee.
That was our last cottage adventure as a couple.
We went to a place called "The Silver Birches" -
I at this point, knew our relationship was on skid row - heading there fast. I didn't even want to go at the time of departure. At this point I started to chat to people, to experience life vicariously through others and I knew what to expect and not to expect up north so I went up haphazardly. I made the most of my time away from the big city. I tried to enjoy the peacefulness that was "Silver Birches".
One afternoon, a boater came up to our dock as we fished, suntanned, drank....
He was obviously aware that we were queer. I think he took a liking to chatting to "other guys" while his family was at the beach, across from where our cottage sat. The chit chat that was struck up caused my guard to go up - I know a sleaze ball when I see one, from experience. This "boater" was a sleazeball. Funny that Rob carried on a conversation with him...after he left the first time. I told Rob that he more than likely wanted to get off with one of us if not both of us, which isn't my scene. You could tell by his body language and words that were spoken. Rob and I discussed this and Rob didn't believe what I had to say, which was fine by me and not surprising, all part of "the act".
The boater came back again and it was more obvious what he wanted, yet Rob was ignorant to this, or more than likely hoped I would stay up in the cabin... this itself repulsed me.
Having gone to the cottage for the last 6, 7 years, it was to celebrate our anniversary, which ironically was, Aug. 13th, he asked me on a Friday, back in 93.
Anyways the things I didn't expect were sex and an erotic time out in the wilderness.
Our friends were coming up on the Thursday of that weekend and taking over the cottage the following week. That Thursday I lay lifeless on the sofa watching Golden Girl DVDs to quell my frustration and boredom - we eventually went into the bedroom, for what must have been the lamest shag I ever experienced - As I left the bedroom this time, I uttered - "I could have done that myself" and left - He was insulted and none impressed but I didn't care as I was done -
The next 2 days couldn't end fast enough and then I realised, this was the biggest waste of a thousand dollars, the rental fee.
That was our last cottage adventure as a couple.
Not The Person I Thought He Was...
The heading of this entry can take many definitions and/or directions...
So who can say how many I will explain now as I tend to ramble and jump all over the place.
Although Rob tried or tires I should say, to play or come across as a "Mother
Mary/Holier Than Thou" kind of character, he is far from it and I believe, that he thinks he has the wool pulled over many an eye. Slowly though, common friends are realising this as well.
Rob and I had our final conversation about 3 months back. Within that conversation, as civil as it was, I asked and wanted an answer to "Did you cheat on me, in the beginning of our relationship, early on?" - Rob danced around that question. Twice I had to say, "just answer the question, its a yes or no answer" -
He responded with "Yes" - I didn't question, although I know it happened after that as well. It was the initial break in trust that ruined or was the beginning of the end of the relationship, even 15 years back.
Hearing him answer yes, killed me -
That night I went out and when I got home, all that was going through my head was the question and answer I just posted above. Telling myself that I was an idiot, how stupid I was. Until it dawned on me. I didn't do anything wrong, that I didn't deserve that. I am so much better than him as a human being, so much better to him as a partner as I didn't pull any of this "funny business".
Rob wasn't who he was portraying to me, yet more of a schizo. He was one way when he was with me, and someone totally different when he left my apt, all the while me thinking he was going home - Not his home at least...this was a trend that would continue on for years.
Recently, while surfing some adult web cam site, who did I come across the screen, and you get one guess...Yes Rob!
He started off with sex chat lines, now exposing himself naked on a WWW, sex cam site! It's all good and dandy, but if you knew Rob as I do/did, it is quite shocking, and really, not pretty to look at. I have a screen cap of it he he.
He has sunk to a new level of slag-dom. He's no longer a cheating slag, as I dumped his scrawny ass and thank god for that. Now hes exposing his vile self onto the world. Is this his way of possibly finding someone else to play the same games??
I wrote to him, cuz I had to, as I was astounded yet not all to surprised really.
He wanted a new cell phone for free evenings and weekend minutes to chat to slags on sex chats all night long, and I am telling you, he wanted a laptop so he could mess around through that avenue as well. Rob would deny that til the cows come home, but trust me, its true! Hes so predictable and disgusting that way. I told him, his mother would be disgusted herself if she knew what her son was really like. I myself, am thrilled to be free of such trash. Its come to the point, well I reached this point shortly after I got an honest answer about cheating on me, but I reached a point where I realised I want nothing to do with him. Never want to see him or hear his voice. I have a video of Africa that I spent weeks on last year - I watched it the other day, when it marked the 1 year of my African adventure. When I saw Rob I couldn't look at the screen. Not due to emotions, but due to the fact that he has become something I hope I never come close to being, as well as, I dont wish to get to know anyone remotely close to his character. I don't hang with trash or promiscuous people.
Years ago, I remember Rob coming to my apt and balling, telling me how he didn't "want to become a typical fag" - Unfortunately he was, is, will always be.
He is the type of homosexual you wouldn't want to take home to mom. His outer appearance or personality again, maybe that of a "good boy" but deep inside lurks a horrid waste of human cells. Rob lives the life of the typical promiscuous, lying and cheating type of homosexual that gives us "normal" for lack of a better word, homosexuals, a bad image.
To be so fake to people, including friends and family, my family, who at one point cared and/or loved him is a characteristic I have little time for.
It is funny as I retell certain situations to friends, they too are realising what or how he really is.
One friend, the other day said, as we discussed his cam whoring, "why cant he just be himself, if he wants to fuck around do it but to be so deceitful" - Bingo - she hit the nail right on the head!
So who can say how many I will explain now as I tend to ramble and jump all over the place.
Although Rob tried or tires I should say, to play or come across as a "Mother
Mary/Holier Than Thou" kind of character, he is far from it and I believe, that he thinks he has the wool pulled over many an eye. Slowly though, common friends are realising this as well.
Rob and I had our final conversation about 3 months back. Within that conversation, as civil as it was, I asked and wanted an answer to "Did you cheat on me, in the beginning of our relationship, early on?" - Rob danced around that question. Twice I had to say, "just answer the question, its a yes or no answer" -
He responded with "Yes" - I didn't question, although I know it happened after that as well. It was the initial break in trust that ruined or was the beginning of the end of the relationship, even 15 years back.
Hearing him answer yes, killed me -
That night I went out and when I got home, all that was going through my head was the question and answer I just posted above. Telling myself that I was an idiot, how stupid I was. Until it dawned on me. I didn't do anything wrong, that I didn't deserve that. I am so much better than him as a human being, so much better to him as a partner as I didn't pull any of this "funny business".
Rob wasn't who he was portraying to me, yet more of a schizo. He was one way when he was with me, and someone totally different when he left my apt, all the while me thinking he was going home - Not his home at least...this was a trend that would continue on for years.
Recently, while surfing some adult web cam site, who did I come across the screen, and you get one guess...Yes Rob!
He started off with sex chat lines, now exposing himself naked on a WWW, sex cam site! It's all good and dandy, but if you knew Rob as I do/did, it is quite shocking, and really, not pretty to look at. I have a screen cap of it he he.
He has sunk to a new level of slag-dom. He's no longer a cheating slag, as I dumped his scrawny ass and thank god for that. Now hes exposing his vile self onto the world. Is this his way of possibly finding someone else to play the same games??
I wrote to him, cuz I had to, as I was astounded yet not all to surprised really.
He wanted a new cell phone for free evenings and weekend minutes to chat to slags on sex chats all night long, and I am telling you, he wanted a laptop so he could mess around through that avenue as well. Rob would deny that til the cows come home, but trust me, its true! Hes so predictable and disgusting that way. I told him, his mother would be disgusted herself if she knew what her son was really like. I myself, am thrilled to be free of such trash. Its come to the point, well I reached this point shortly after I got an honest answer about cheating on me, but I reached a point where I realised I want nothing to do with him. Never want to see him or hear his voice. I have a video of Africa that I spent weeks on last year - I watched it the other day, when it marked the 1 year of my African adventure. When I saw Rob I couldn't look at the screen. Not due to emotions, but due to the fact that he has become something I hope I never come close to being, as well as, I dont wish to get to know anyone remotely close to his character. I don't hang with trash or promiscuous people.
Years ago, I remember Rob coming to my apt and balling, telling me how he didn't "want to become a typical fag" - Unfortunately he was, is, will always be.
He is the type of homosexual you wouldn't want to take home to mom. His outer appearance or personality again, maybe that of a "good boy" but deep inside lurks a horrid waste of human cells. Rob lives the life of the typical promiscuous, lying and cheating type of homosexual that gives us "normal" for lack of a better word, homosexuals, a bad image.
To be so fake to people, including friends and family, my family, who at one point cared and/or loved him is a characteristic I have little time for.
It is funny as I retell certain situations to friends, they too are realising what or how he really is.
One friend, the other day said, as we discussed his cam whoring, "why cant he just be himself, if he wants to fuck around do it but to be so deceitful" - Bingo - she hit the nail right on the head!
Always wondering why?
As the hours, days, weeks pass by, Ive had to ask myself time and time again -
Why....
Unfortunately, "why" spawns way to many question as to..Why.
Most of the time I question Rob, to myself, and then other times, I question my own stupidity.
If I look back at the last 15, 16 even 17 years, everything is different now -
Events and happenings of days gone by all have a different meaning.
The laughs I had in days gone by, feel more like, now, that I had the wool pulled over my eyes.
One of the best experiences in my life was Africa. Its something I think of daily.
I remember Rob saying he wanted to do something of that magnitude, something life altering. In hopes, for him, that it would spark something in us. Well we never went when we were a couple, but as "friends".
Today, a year after Africa, I hate that I shared the beauty that is Africa with Rob. I didn't go with the person I met back in the early 1990's.
I know people change, Ive changed, but some revert back to what they were and that's how Rob changed again.
Something like Africa, something as wonderful as the experience I had in Africa, is something I wish I had shared with someone who was a true friend, someone who I could trust and love and recount the tales of roughing it through Kenya and Tanzania.
I met some great people in Africa, but going with Rob has spoiled allot of those memories. But at the same time, meeting some of the wonderful people I did, made me realise, there are good people in this world, I just hadn't found then...yet.
Why....
Unfortunately, "why" spawns way to many question as to..Why.
Most of the time I question Rob, to myself, and then other times, I question my own stupidity.
If I look back at the last 15, 16 even 17 years, everything is different now -
Events and happenings of days gone by all have a different meaning.
The laughs I had in days gone by, feel more like, now, that I had the wool pulled over my eyes.
One of the best experiences in my life was Africa. Its something I think of daily.
I remember Rob saying he wanted to do something of that magnitude, something life altering. In hopes, for him, that it would spark something in us. Well we never went when we were a couple, but as "friends".
Today, a year after Africa, I hate that I shared the beauty that is Africa with Rob. I didn't go with the person I met back in the early 1990's.
I know people change, Ive changed, but some revert back to what they were and that's how Rob changed again.
Something like Africa, something as wonderful as the experience I had in Africa, is something I wish I had shared with someone who was a true friend, someone who I could trust and love and recount the tales of roughing it through Kenya and Tanzania.
I met some great people in Africa, but going with Rob has spoiled allot of those memories. But at the same time, meeting some of the wonderful people I did, made me realise, there are good people in this world, I just hadn't found then...yet.
The Person
I still have a million stories Ill be posting on here.
This blurb is on Rob himself.
I fell in love with him fairly quickly and as Ive said, love is blind and its no ones fault but my own that I carried on for 16+ years.
Rob is a difficult character as far as I am concerned. I'm not sure what he thinks of himself, but I can only go on from what Ive experienced the last decade or so.
Rob comes across as a sweet catholic boy. Respectful, educated and honest. The only thing he is, is educated. Never would I have thought that Rob would be the person he is.
Rob claims that in his past he was molested by an older man when he was a child.
As far as I'm concerned that is a line to play pity on him when he did things that I didn't approve of. He claimed to be beaten as a kid, weren't we all. It was a different time when we were kids, parents actually hit us kids, it was normal back then. Some of the things our parents did to us would probably land them in trouble with Children's Aid, but again, that was then.
I wont deny that Rob treated me well for the most part. I think he confuses treating me well, with doing things no one would approve of.
I knew when there was guilt for some reason, as he would buy me all kinds of things, treat me to little luxuries. Even in the end, after all the phone sex drama, the lies he still wanted to pay for everything I bought, why???
This blurb is on Rob himself.
I fell in love with him fairly quickly and as Ive said, love is blind and its no ones fault but my own that I carried on for 16+ years.
Rob is a difficult character as far as I am concerned. I'm not sure what he thinks of himself, but I can only go on from what Ive experienced the last decade or so.
Rob comes across as a sweet catholic boy. Respectful, educated and honest. The only thing he is, is educated. Never would I have thought that Rob would be the person he is.
Rob claims that in his past he was molested by an older man when he was a child.
As far as I'm concerned that is a line to play pity on him when he did things that I didn't approve of. He claimed to be beaten as a kid, weren't we all. It was a different time when we were kids, parents actually hit us kids, it was normal back then. Some of the things our parents did to us would probably land them in trouble with Children's Aid, but again, that was then.
I wont deny that Rob treated me well for the most part. I think he confuses treating me well, with doing things no one would approve of.
I knew when there was guilt for some reason, as he would buy me all kinds of things, treat me to little luxuries. Even in the end, after all the phone sex drama, the lies he still wanted to pay for everything I bought, why???
Senseless "Virginal" Expenditures....
A few months into 2009, Rob told me he had switched plans with Virgin. I could care less really but it did seem strange, knowing Rob as I do.
He claimed before he switched from Virgin that his mobile wouldnt accept calls during the day? I found that strange but carried on.
At the bottom of the email which had Rob's mobile activity, there was a thread.
It was an email exchange between him and Virgin, just before he switched.
In this email, Rob went on to Virgin, saying that a family member had moved out of the city and that his plan wasnt accomodating. He had switched to a plan giving him 1000 evening minutes. This email was dated mid May. He had used over 2000 evening minutes and had paid well over $200 and the month was not over.
Rob has no idea about this as I never told him. Theres lots I know that Rob is unaware of, still to this day. Hence this blog being a rant on all I know.
He claimed in the email to Virgin that it was ludicrous that they would not allow him to top up his mobile til a certain date. Does Rob not find it ludicrous that he was spending up to 2000 minutes talking to slags on a sex chat??
Rob went on to switch providers, he went on a plan which gave him free evenings after 9pm. I think we can all guess what Rob is doing after 9pm into the wee hours of the night...966ORAL?
He claimed before he switched from Virgin that his mobile wouldnt accept calls during the day? I found that strange but carried on.
At the bottom of the email which had Rob's mobile activity, there was a thread.
It was an email exchange between him and Virgin, just before he switched.
In this email, Rob went on to Virgin, saying that a family member had moved out of the city and that his plan wasnt accomodating. He had switched to a plan giving him 1000 evening minutes. This email was dated mid May. He had used over 2000 evening minutes and had paid well over $200 and the month was not over.
Rob has no idea about this as I never told him. Theres lots I know that Rob is unaware of, still to this day. Hence this blog being a rant on all I know.
He claimed in the email to Virgin that it was ludicrous that they would not allow him to top up his mobile til a certain date. Does Rob not find it ludicrous that he was spending up to 2000 minutes talking to slags on a sex chat??
Rob went on to switch providers, he went on a plan which gave him free evenings after 9pm. I think we can all guess what Rob is doing after 9pm into the wee hours of the night...966ORAL?
Utter Disrespect!
I had asked Rob not to sleep in my bed, while I was off in London and he did.
I asked him not to for the obvious reasons, if youve read this entire blog so far, you will understand.
Rob professed to me how much he missed me while I was away when we managed to chat on MSN while I was in London. It was nice to hear(again seeing as we seemed to be getting closer). I thought things would change upon my return, never thinking that what would happen, would be as awful as it was.
As I looked at this bill and having spoken to Rob while I was away, I again sort of put 2 and 2 together. Piecing together that he was getting off with people in my bed. Phone sex with skanky lads in my bed. The man who didnt speak of sex, as if sex as taboo even with me, was jacking off and talking of sucking cock and fucking, in MY bed with other strangers. I have no proof that he had anyone over.
But he did wash to sheets just before I got home, so I have my suspicions, just no proof. Rob has never shown me such disrespect in all the years Ive known him. Yes he cheated on me countless times Im sure, but for the fact that we were getting closer, I was never more hurt in my life, this again, was that final straw.
He denies everything when it is there in black and white in front of both our eyes.
07/05/2009 12:59:09 AM Voice Call 416-966-6725
07/05/2009 1:31:17 AM Voice Call 416-778-5566
07/05/2009 1:42:55 AM Voice Call 416-778-5566
07/05/2009 1:43:36 AM Voice Call 416-966-6725
07/05/2009 1:46:33 AM Voice Call 416-778-5566
07/05/2009 1:48:47 AM Voice Call 416-778-4300
07/05/2009 1:49:18 AM Voice Call 416-966-6725
07/05/2009 1:54:14 AM Voice Call 416-778-5566
07/05/2009 1:58:34 AM Voice Call 416-966-6725
07/05/2009 2:30:22 AM Voice Call 416-778-5566
07/05/2009 2:32:07 AM Voice Call 416-966-6725
This is the activity on a Thursday night - with a slew of incoming shortly thereafter. Below were some of the calls he apparently didnt make, as he says he only made calls during my tirp...?? hmm..
22/02/2009 9:31:21 PM Voice Call 416-966-6725
22/02/2009 9:36:44 PM Voice Call 416-966-6725
At the bottom of the Virgin email was part of a thread which you will read about in the next posting.
I asked him not to for the obvious reasons, if youve read this entire blog so far, you will understand.
Rob professed to me how much he missed me while I was away when we managed to chat on MSN while I was in London. It was nice to hear(again seeing as we seemed to be getting closer). I thought things would change upon my return, never thinking that what would happen, would be as awful as it was.
As I looked at this bill and having spoken to Rob while I was away, I again sort of put 2 and 2 together. Piecing together that he was getting off with people in my bed. Phone sex with skanky lads in my bed. The man who didnt speak of sex, as if sex as taboo even with me, was jacking off and talking of sucking cock and fucking, in MY bed with other strangers. I have no proof that he had anyone over.
But he did wash to sheets just before I got home, so I have my suspicions, just no proof. Rob has never shown me such disrespect in all the years Ive known him. Yes he cheated on me countless times Im sure, but for the fact that we were getting closer, I was never more hurt in my life, this again, was that final straw.
He denies everything when it is there in black and white in front of both our eyes.
07/05/2009 12:59:09 AM Voice Call 416-966-6725
07/05/2009 1:31:17 AM Voice Call 416-778-5566
07/05/2009 1:42:55 AM Voice Call 416-778-5566
07/05/2009 1:43:36 AM Voice Call 416-966-6725
07/05/2009 1:46:33 AM Voice Call 416-778-5566
07/05/2009 1:48:47 AM Voice Call 416-778-4300
07/05/2009 1:49:18 AM Voice Call 416-966-6725
07/05/2009 1:54:14 AM Voice Call 416-778-5566
07/05/2009 1:58:34 AM Voice Call 416-966-6725
07/05/2009 2:30:22 AM Voice Call 416-778-5566
07/05/2009 2:32:07 AM Voice Call 416-966-6725
This is the activity on a Thursday night - with a slew of incoming shortly thereafter. Below were some of the calls he apparently didnt make, as he says he only made calls during my tirp...?? hmm..
22/02/2009 9:31:21 PM Voice Call 416-966-6725
22/02/2009 9:36:44 PM Voice Call 416-966-6725
At the bottom of the Virgin email was part of a thread which you will read about in the next posting.
Lies Lies Lies - & Addiction?
The statement I received from Virgin, showed a detailed sum of incoming and outgoing calls. There were a few numbers that looked firmiliar that I couldnt put my finger on, until I called myself.
They were sex chat lines. These dated back to Feb 09. I asked him about them and was told that he called them only while I was away this last time. That for some reason this time, my going away was harder than the previous 2 which made no sense to me.
Regardless, I told him he was lying, as the statement went as far back as Feb and those numbers were listed from the beginning.
He still denied it.So that was the final straw in that sense.
I told him he was a slag and that he has never changed and more than likely never will. Worse than that, upon closer inspection of this satement, I noticed that the calles started as soon as he left my place ane went on through to the early hours of the night, pretty much everynight, both incoming and outgoing. This explains his being exhausted in the mornings. I noticed that on days I had family functions(Rob would drive me to my family) the minute he would arrive home he would call. 966 ORAL or Telepersonals and other similar lines.
I decided to look at the time frame of my holiday as he professed to having only called while I was away.
Well...I left Toronto at 11pm on May 1st, Robs first call after I left was May 1st at 9:39pm to 966 ORAL and right through the night and the reaming days of my holiday, beginning as soon as he entered my apt after dropping me off at the airport.
They were sex chat lines. These dated back to Feb 09. I asked him about them and was told that he called them only while I was away this last time. That for some reason this time, my going away was harder than the previous 2 which made no sense to me.
Regardless, I told him he was lying, as the statement went as far back as Feb and those numbers were listed from the beginning.
He still denied it.So that was the final straw in that sense.
I told him he was a slag and that he has never changed and more than likely never will. Worse than that, upon closer inspection of this satement, I noticed that the calles started as soon as he left my place ane went on through to the early hours of the night, pretty much everynight, both incoming and outgoing. This explains his being exhausted in the mornings. I noticed that on days I had family functions(Rob would drive me to my family) the minute he would arrive home he would call. 966 ORAL or Telepersonals and other similar lines.
I decided to look at the time frame of my holiday as he professed to having only called while I was away.
Well...I left Toronto at 11pm on May 1st, Robs first call after I left was May 1st at 9:39pm to 966 ORAL and right through the night and the reaming days of my holiday, beginning as soon as he entered my apt after dropping me off at the airport.
Old Habits Die Hard...
In November 2006, I needed an escape from my life, my love life, working, family, everything! I went on my first adventure alone, for one month to London, England.
I needed to clear my head from everything happeneing.
Ive gone away on my own 3 times without Rob during the last few years.
The year, 2009, started off kinda shaky between Rob and I -
We grew more comfortable and things seemed to be going in a better direction than the last few years, when we were coupled together. We had slept together a few times, pretty much were back to living together(as far as I knew)Rob stopped spending the night once we broke up.
In May 2009 I took a much needed vacation to my favourite spot, London, England.
I had asked Rob if he would watch the apt and the cats while I was away for the 2 weeks and he agreed. I felt it would be a bit of a break for him as well, being away from his home as well.
My adventure in London this last time round, was just that...
As far as I knew, although we were friends only, yet living like a couple, Rob wasnt up to much. I did tell him that while I was away, he was not to sleep in my bed, and I was serious and to have no boys over. Thats something I would always say to him, if anything to get under his skin, until I found out otherwise.
Upon my return things were al happy swell meadows.
While I was away, Rob had sent me text messages that he was changing his mobile, this already had my guard up as there was no reason(again, til I found out otherwise)to switch. 2 weeks after my return, I rec'd an e-statement from Virgin Mobile, Robs previous provider. As I read the email, which was pretty much a sum up of his acct, there was a detailed list of incoming and outgoing calls...
The same day I had received that email,I had been emailing Rob during the day, and in a string of emails I told him how I had received an email detailing his acct activity - The lies began...
I needed to clear my head from everything happeneing.
Ive gone away on my own 3 times without Rob during the last few years.
The year, 2009, started off kinda shaky between Rob and I -
We grew more comfortable and things seemed to be going in a better direction than the last few years, when we were coupled together. We had slept together a few times, pretty much were back to living together(as far as I knew)Rob stopped spending the night once we broke up.
In May 2009 I took a much needed vacation to my favourite spot, London, England.
I had asked Rob if he would watch the apt and the cats while I was away for the 2 weeks and he agreed. I felt it would be a bit of a break for him as well, being away from his home as well.
My adventure in London this last time round, was just that...
As far as I knew, although we were friends only, yet living like a couple, Rob wasnt up to much. I did tell him that while I was away, he was not to sleep in my bed, and I was serious and to have no boys over. Thats something I would always say to him, if anything to get under his skin, until I found out otherwise.
Upon my return things were al happy swell meadows.
While I was away, Rob had sent me text messages that he was changing his mobile, this already had my guard up as there was no reason(again, til I found out otherwise)to switch. 2 weeks after my return, I rec'd an e-statement from Virgin Mobile, Robs previous provider. As I read the email, which was pretty much a sum up of his acct, there was a detailed list of incoming and outgoing calls...
The same day I had received that email,I had been emailing Rob during the day, and in a string of emails I told him how I had received an email detailing his acct activity - The lies began...
Viagra? Secrets Kill
A few years into our relationship - with the odd break up in between - I moved into the bldg I live in now, in another apartment.
The sex had gone by the wayside, but happened occasionally.
There was an afternoon where the mood seemed to have hit Rob. I found it strange cuz just a few days back we were trying to have sex. Now I always had an orgasm or 2, ALWAYS. There were times when Rob didnt or couldnt get aroused throughout the entire act. I never understood that. The man you supposedly love, laying with you, enjoying both mine and his body and with Rob it just lay "limp".
My suspicions were always there. I would hear my friends talk about their sex lives and mine with Rob, paled in comparison. I always said to Rob that Im sure his parents had more sex that we did, and I was probably right.
At this point in my relationship, I snooped around, he had given me too many reason to snoop around.
I found Viagra in his bag once. I was blown away. Firslty I noticed a pill missing from the 4 pack he had. I didnt know he had bought those and I do know that he didnt pop the first pill and use it with me as we hadnt had sex for weeks at that point, and the time before that in which we did engage in sexual behaviour, Rob remained limp - no Viagra there.
I knew he had popped another one this day he wanted to have sex, but I declined. That I wasnt in the mood...I would have gone on if I knew he was popping Viagra to better the relationship. To keep our sexual lives going. I would almost appreciate or respect it a bit more, but he never told me and I asked him about it years later and at that point it no longer mattered.
Severe lies began at that point, not just with Viagra, but people he was talking to etc...more of the decline in motion...
The sex had gone by the wayside, but happened occasionally.
There was an afternoon where the mood seemed to have hit Rob. I found it strange cuz just a few days back we were trying to have sex. Now I always had an orgasm or 2, ALWAYS. There were times when Rob didnt or couldnt get aroused throughout the entire act. I never understood that. The man you supposedly love, laying with you, enjoying both mine and his body and with Rob it just lay "limp".
My suspicions were always there. I would hear my friends talk about their sex lives and mine with Rob, paled in comparison. I always said to Rob that Im sure his parents had more sex that we did, and I was probably right.
At this point in my relationship, I snooped around, he had given me too many reason to snoop around.
I found Viagra in his bag once. I was blown away. Firslty I noticed a pill missing from the 4 pack he had. I didnt know he had bought those and I do know that he didnt pop the first pill and use it with me as we hadnt had sex for weeks at that point, and the time before that in which we did engage in sexual behaviour, Rob remained limp - no Viagra there.
I knew he had popped another one this day he wanted to have sex, but I declined. That I wasnt in the mood...I would have gone on if I knew he was popping Viagra to better the relationship. To keep our sexual lives going. I would almost appreciate or respect it a bit more, but he never told me and I asked him about it years later and at that point it no longer mattered.
Severe lies began at that point, not just with Viagra, but people he was talking to etc...more of the decline in motion...
Cam Sex?
As trashy as Rob was behind my back, before I met him or after I broke up with him, I always thought he was more of a sexual person than me, but I was wrong.
He had bought me a video camera. Apart from thinking it will be great for holidays and events, I also thought it would be erotic to film us in the act.
A few times I cracked out the camera during our sex encounters.
After looking at them, after we broke up, I noticed the lack of intrest in Rob.
Laying naked on my bed or on the sofa, he was lame. I was into it, you can hear me on video not see me, or at least not my face. Rob on the other had was in full view. He couldnt get aroused and just went through the motions to an unhappy ending.
He would get cheeky on film, lowering his shorts a but but tha was it. Never a full on performance for the cameras. I once hid the cam and video taped us, watching it I thought, this will bemore stimulating as he didnt even know I taped us...After wtching it, I realised that he was so not into it, asifhe was doing me a favour.
That is what made me stop wanting to have regular sex with him. If it was a chore than I didnt need to partake in that. That was part of the end of us, sexually at least.
He had bought me a video camera. Apart from thinking it will be great for holidays and events, I also thought it would be erotic to film us in the act.
A few times I cracked out the camera during our sex encounters.
After looking at them, after we broke up, I noticed the lack of intrest in Rob.
Laying naked on my bed or on the sofa, he was lame. I was into it, you can hear me on video not see me, or at least not my face. Rob on the other had was in full view. He couldnt get aroused and just went through the motions to an unhappy ending.
He would get cheeky on film, lowering his shorts a but but tha was it. Never a full on performance for the cameras. I once hid the cam and video taped us, watching it I thought, this will bemore stimulating as he didnt even know I taped us...After wtching it, I realised that he was so not into it, asifhe was doing me a favour.
That is what made me stop wanting to have regular sex with him. If it was a chore than I didnt need to partake in that. That was part of the end of us, sexually at least.
Break up sex?
The one thing that scared me after having broken up with Rob in 2007 was sex.
I was used to unprotected sex with a partner I thought was faithful.
I never thought Rob did penetrative sex with anyone as he was always uncomfortable with that even with me, though he let me. So I was really never afraid of an STD.
I had always told Rob that should he pass anything off to me from his "encouters" behind my back, that I would literally kill him with my bare hands, and I would have. That said, I never contracted any STDs. Im not sure about Rob. He had complained of bleening in his urine at times and that may have been some infection of types, I dont recall. After we broke up we took some time apart. On a vacation we took the the Mayan...we had 2 nights of lustful energetic and drunken sex. Somethin I needed for a long time. I rememebr uttering words like, "I miss you", "I love you" during our encounters, and I did, I really did. I was comfortable and exciting at the same time, something I was missing in my life.
We went to Africa and spent 10 days in the dusty Mara and Serengeti, camping along. The holiday ended in Zanzibar in a cute little rustic hut.
There we again had instense sex but that was more of an outlet from 10 days of nothing. At home, at my apt it happened a few times.
The thing was..it seemed that when Rob needed to get off, that is when advances were made. Whenever I felt the need to be with a man, those signals went un noticed. Only once after we broke did I make a flat out request for sex and it happened otherwise it was up to him, like I was at his beck and call that way.
I was used to unprotected sex with a partner I thought was faithful.
I never thought Rob did penetrative sex with anyone as he was always uncomfortable with that even with me, though he let me. So I was really never afraid of an STD.
I had always told Rob that should he pass anything off to me from his "encouters" behind my back, that I would literally kill him with my bare hands, and I would have. That said, I never contracted any STDs. Im not sure about Rob. He had complained of bleening in his urine at times and that may have been some infection of types, I dont recall. After we broke up we took some time apart. On a vacation we took the the Mayan...we had 2 nights of lustful energetic and drunken sex. Somethin I needed for a long time. I rememebr uttering words like, "I miss you", "I love you" during our encounters, and I did, I really did. I was comfortable and exciting at the same time, something I was missing in my life.
We went to Africa and spent 10 days in the dusty Mara and Serengeti, camping along. The holiday ended in Zanzibar in a cute little rustic hut.
There we again had instense sex but that was more of an outlet from 10 days of nothing. At home, at my apt it happened a few times.
The thing was..it seemed that when Rob needed to get off, that is when advances were made. Whenever I felt the need to be with a man, those signals went un noticed. Only once after we broke did I make a flat out request for sex and it happened otherwise it was up to him, like I was at his beck and call that way.
Vacation Sex?
Part II of the sex thread -
In total, Rob and I took about 10-12 out of town vacations.
Some were in northern Ontario when we began renting cottages in the early 2000's -
Other were abroad or down south.
Our first vacation was in St Maarten. It was great being away with him, alone, all for me and all me for him. We shagged here and there - we shagged across the carribean the firt couple of vacations we took. That was short lived.
We went away just about every year, right through the end, earlier this year.
Even after we broke up we did about 4 holidays together. There was the odd vacation where sex didnt happen at all which blew my mind, I couldnt understand. I hated pushing myself on him that way but a man is a man and has needs. Rob couldnt have been that much different, but he was. We went on a cruise a few years back, we didnt even share the same bed. In Mexico one time we didnt share the same bed. I have to admit as much as I wanted sex I would turn a blind eye sometimes to his advances as I couldnt understand what or how he wasnt getting off in the weeks in between our sex sessions. I always wanted to question him and rarely did as the responses never made sense to me. Our first time going to a cottage I thought would be real erotic and full of lust. Though we did shag a few times through out that week, I found Rob to be lame in the "adventure" dept. I was always ready for something new. We were at this secluded cottage up north, I remember asking him to have sex out doors, he hesitated, performed a brief act before he was uncomfortable and stopped.
We would always go to a cottage to celebrate our anniversary.
On our 10th anniversay, up north alone in a cottage, 3 days had passed before I lost it on him. I was the eve of our 10th anniversary. Robs only concern up the was getting high and watchin tv....It was about 10pm on the eve of, I could read rob like a book and knew that there was goin to be no sex again. I carried on drinking, to float away and to pass out. The next morning, I couldnt hold it in any longer.
I flipped out big time. I told him how we were there for our anniversary and he didnt so much as touch me?? He always knew I was a walking hormone, more for lack of getting it as opposed to having a sexual problem. I screamed that I didnt want him to touch me again, that I and him can get it elsewhere. That went into a massive yelling and crying argument that I will never forget. In the end we shagged, to me it seemed more like a pity shag and wasnt all into other than to relieve myself of pent up sexual frustration.
That set the precedent for the remaining days.
In total, Rob and I took about 10-12 out of town vacations.
Some were in northern Ontario when we began renting cottages in the early 2000's -
Other were abroad or down south.
Our first vacation was in St Maarten. It was great being away with him, alone, all for me and all me for him. We shagged here and there - we shagged across the carribean the firt couple of vacations we took. That was short lived.
We went away just about every year, right through the end, earlier this year.
Even after we broke up we did about 4 holidays together. There was the odd vacation where sex didnt happen at all which blew my mind, I couldnt understand. I hated pushing myself on him that way but a man is a man and has needs. Rob couldnt have been that much different, but he was. We went on a cruise a few years back, we didnt even share the same bed. In Mexico one time we didnt share the same bed. I have to admit as much as I wanted sex I would turn a blind eye sometimes to his advances as I couldnt understand what or how he wasnt getting off in the weeks in between our sex sessions. I always wanted to question him and rarely did as the responses never made sense to me. Our first time going to a cottage I thought would be real erotic and full of lust. Though we did shag a few times through out that week, I found Rob to be lame in the "adventure" dept. I was always ready for something new. We were at this secluded cottage up north, I remember asking him to have sex out doors, he hesitated, performed a brief act before he was uncomfortable and stopped.
We would always go to a cottage to celebrate our anniversary.
On our 10th anniversay, up north alone in a cottage, 3 days had passed before I lost it on him. I was the eve of our 10th anniversary. Robs only concern up the was getting high and watchin tv....It was about 10pm on the eve of, I could read rob like a book and knew that there was goin to be no sex again. I carried on drinking, to float away and to pass out. The next morning, I couldnt hold it in any longer.
I flipped out big time. I told him how we were there for our anniversary and he didnt so much as touch me?? He always knew I was a walking hormone, more for lack of getting it as opposed to having a sexual problem. I screamed that I didnt want him to touch me again, that I and him can get it elsewhere. That went into a massive yelling and crying argument that I will never forget. In the end we shagged, to me it seemed more like a pity shag and wasnt all into other than to relieve myself of pent up sexual frustration.
That set the precedent for the remaining days.
The Sex....or lack of??
Through 16 years of knowing Rob, the sex went from intense to non existant.
Again at this point I can only assume(and proven a few times) that Rob was getting off with others, in person and on the phone.
I recall one time, just to see what would happen, I found an ad in NOW magazine.
It was in the back pages, where escorts posted their ads.
I saw an ad for these 2 guys who would allow you to watch them or partake in sexual acts. To egg Rob on I showed Rob and read it out to him. I half jokingly said we should call but we didnt.
Rob on the other hand, after leaving my place, went home and called.
How do I know...this was still in the early years and I was calling his voicemail.
About a week after I told him about this ad, who had left Rob a message?? One of the 2 guys who posted the ad and again I confronted Rob. Shock and slience was how he reacted.
In the beginning sex was rampant as inany relationship. We didnt perform the act of penetration until about 5 years into our relationship. At that point I thought, he's been committed to me only and took the plunge, literally. Sex had a whole new meaning at that point for me. It was almost like the ultimate bond with someone, someone special.
You would think that someone with a colorful past(and present) past as him he would be adventurous. Unfortunately that was short lived, with me at least.
I remember having sex in the toilets of the Metro Convention centre, almost getting caught by the cleaning crew - Having sex in my bed as my best gal pal lay asleep onmy sofa..he was exciting then. He became more and more or I should say less and less intersted in sex with me, and just me. I understand sex lives change, but to got from rampant sex to nothing was a bit odd to me.
In the beginning of my relationship, I was under the care of a therapist who had me on prozac. One of the side effects was a lack of sex drive and yes I did have that side effect, briefly. I recall Rob quetioning me once, even getting angry at me, and I explained. As I say that soon passed and I was back to my normal "randy" ways..some of the stuff I did with that man still amaze me, that i would do such things, but I aimed to please my then partner. Whatever got him off was hot to me.
Rob is a bottom, and Im vers. There were things, normal things Rob would not do.
He was more into oral and mutal gettin off, until I took the plunge and I got into more and more things. It was odd when we would go on vacation and we wouldnt have sex. The one time couples get all sex crazed is on vacation, in a strange land, in hotel room - not Rob.
Again at this point I can only assume(and proven a few times) that Rob was getting off with others, in person and on the phone.
I recall one time, just to see what would happen, I found an ad in NOW magazine.
It was in the back pages, where escorts posted their ads.
I saw an ad for these 2 guys who would allow you to watch them or partake in sexual acts. To egg Rob on I showed Rob and read it out to him. I half jokingly said we should call but we didnt.
Rob on the other hand, after leaving my place, went home and called.
How do I know...this was still in the early years and I was calling his voicemail.
About a week after I told him about this ad, who had left Rob a message?? One of the 2 guys who posted the ad and again I confronted Rob. Shock and slience was how he reacted.
In the beginning sex was rampant as inany relationship. We didnt perform the act of penetration until about 5 years into our relationship. At that point I thought, he's been committed to me only and took the plunge, literally. Sex had a whole new meaning at that point for me. It was almost like the ultimate bond with someone, someone special.
You would think that someone with a colorful past(and present) past as him he would be adventurous. Unfortunately that was short lived, with me at least.
I remember having sex in the toilets of the Metro Convention centre, almost getting caught by the cleaning crew - Having sex in my bed as my best gal pal lay asleep onmy sofa..he was exciting then. He became more and more or I should say less and less intersted in sex with me, and just me. I understand sex lives change, but to got from rampant sex to nothing was a bit odd to me.
In the beginning of my relationship, I was under the care of a therapist who had me on prozac. One of the side effects was a lack of sex drive and yes I did have that side effect, briefly. I recall Rob quetioning me once, even getting angry at me, and I explained. As I say that soon passed and I was back to my normal "randy" ways..some of the stuff I did with that man still amaze me, that i would do such things, but I aimed to please my then partner. Whatever got him off was hot to me.
Rob is a bottom, and Im vers. There were things, normal things Rob would not do.
He was more into oral and mutal gettin off, until I took the plunge and I got into more and more things. It was odd when we would go on vacation and we wouldnt have sex. The one time couples get all sex crazed is on vacation, in a strange land, in hotel room - not Rob.
Deceipt - Phase II
Through the years Rob and I had a ups and downs like any couple.
We didnt argue much but actions spoke louder than words.
In the late 90's an aunt of mine was suffering from terminal cancer. One of my dearest aunts. I remember as a child she lived with us for a while, I always held her close to my heart, so seeing her suffer as she did was very disturbing to me.
I at this point had moved into another apt over a shop, something Ive always wanted to do for some strange reason.
One night I came home, Rob was on the sofa. I had recently acquired a PC.
I went to check my emails as I normally did. I, for whatever reason checked my "sent" folder. I never did this but again for some reason, without suspicions I must add, I looked into my sent. I never thought that Rob was using my pc, not that he couldnt at that time, its just that that thought never crossed my mind...UNTIL!!!
In my sent folder, as Rob sat on the sofa, I found an email that Rob ahd sent to this guy named "Christiano" - I read the email in which Rob was telling Christiano, how he was a romantic, fun, usually home by 11 and to call him. There was more than one email and I recall one email saying that Rob had waited for his call, but Christiano hadnt called.
I had just returned from a visit with my mom who was torn at my aunts situation, so I was a bit blah. Finding that emailchanged my mood instantly.
I called Rob over to my desk and asked him to look at the computer screen. He went white and quiet. He denied the email. I told him to get out of my house. His reaction to that was to grab my legs and cry, No!! in a sad upset tone. I was done, I said, "get out!" and he did.
Now this wasnt the second time I caught him,more like 3rd if not 4th time I found him trying to get with other guys. I still didnt get it. If he wanted to be with other guys, if he wanted to go back to his "slag" days then I told him to let me go!
Again days passed and we got together again. What is/was my problem?
He couldnt possibly have loved me enough. They were just words.He was on automatic when it came to telling me he loved me.
I remember telling Rob I loved him long before we even became a couple.
For the first few months Rob never told me he loved me.
One day, when I had gotten let go from a job I had, I was upset.
Rob came to pick me and take me home as he was in school and not attending that day.
On the drive home, and only after seeing me being a blubbering mess, he uttered the words he loved me. He told me he loved me when I was upset, to ease my feelings of being let go? That too should have been a sign but again I was in love.
We didnt argue much but actions spoke louder than words.
In the late 90's an aunt of mine was suffering from terminal cancer. One of my dearest aunts. I remember as a child she lived with us for a while, I always held her close to my heart, so seeing her suffer as she did was very disturbing to me.
I at this point had moved into another apt over a shop, something Ive always wanted to do for some strange reason.
One night I came home, Rob was on the sofa. I had recently acquired a PC.
I went to check my emails as I normally did. I, for whatever reason checked my "sent" folder. I never did this but again for some reason, without suspicions I must add, I looked into my sent. I never thought that Rob was using my pc, not that he couldnt at that time, its just that that thought never crossed my mind...UNTIL!!!
In my sent folder, as Rob sat on the sofa, I found an email that Rob ahd sent to this guy named "Christiano" - I read the email in which Rob was telling Christiano, how he was a romantic, fun, usually home by 11 and to call him. There was more than one email and I recall one email saying that Rob had waited for his call, but Christiano hadnt called.
I had just returned from a visit with my mom who was torn at my aunts situation, so I was a bit blah. Finding that emailchanged my mood instantly.
I called Rob over to my desk and asked him to look at the computer screen. He went white and quiet. He denied the email. I told him to get out of my house. His reaction to that was to grab my legs and cry, No!! in a sad upset tone. I was done, I said, "get out!" and he did.
Now this wasnt the second time I caught him,more like 3rd if not 4th time I found him trying to get with other guys. I still didnt get it. If he wanted to be with other guys, if he wanted to go back to his "slag" days then I told him to let me go!
Again days passed and we got together again. What is/was my problem?
He couldnt possibly have loved me enough. They were just words.He was on automatic when it came to telling me he loved me.
I remember telling Rob I loved him long before we even became a couple.
For the first few months Rob never told me he loved me.
One day, when I had gotten let go from a job I had, I was upset.
Rob came to pick me and take me home as he was in school and not attending that day.
On the drive home, and only after seeing me being a blubbering mess, he uttered the words he loved me. He told me he loved me when I was upset, to ease my feelings of being let go? That too should have been a sign but again I was in love.
Here we go -
As the years went on, the first few, Rob started to get the "itch" again.
I had at this point moved into a self contained bachelor apartment.
Rob would spend the night, we would have outtings, go out for drinks and what not. We, little by little, started spending more nights in, which was fine by me.
One night about 3 years into our relationship or so, Rob made a phone call from my house line. After Rob had left, I needed to call him about something for the following day. Since Rob was one of the few people I actually called, I hit the "redial" key on the phone. When on my screen appeared, Robs password to his voicemail. I dont know what made me call his voice mail, but I did.
To my surprise there was a voice mail from some man, from a chat line?
I was traumatised. I didnt understand. He spent all day with me, we had, at that point, a normal, healthy love life, sex life. Why would he be calling - I thought he had deleted his acct??
I didnt confront him just yet, I waited to see what was happening, where this was going. Hearing strangers voices on my boyfriends voicemail, talkin dirty shit, talkin about hook ups made me sick to my stomach. One night it was the final straw, I knew he was talking to other slags(yes if you havent put 2 and 2 together, Rob is the slag this blog is named after) - I was furious that I had been deceived, betrayed and possibly cheated on.
One night I heard one of his voicemails, this guy named "Mario" had left, he mentioned the chat that he had gotten Rob's phone number from.
Being the curious creature that I am - I called myself.
In my greeting on the chat, I told my age, and the area I lived in.
Boom, I instantly got a message from, Mario. I recognizesed the voice and carried on messaging him as he did with me. I gave him my number and he called.
I went on to tell him where I lived, which prompted him to tell me about this guy, Rob, he had recently met up with. Well that was it for me. Its all I needed to hear.
Mario never went on to tell me about anything sexual as I didnt ask and couldnt bear to hear it. He did tell me that Rob had borrowed some CD's and had yet to return them, which to me meant, Rob would be meeting him again. I wouldnt never lend Cd's to someone I just met of a chat which then led me to beleive he had met up with this Mario more than once.
I eventually confronted Rob about this, to which he denied it. I never told ROb at that point that I had called him voicemail. I left Rob a note and left the apt.
I went back hours later, the note was gone and so was Rob.
I couldn believe that this had happened to me. I couldnt and still to this day could not understand why.
Through all this, in the end, I took Rob back, I was still in love and as they say, and I know all to well now, Love really is blind.
I had at this point moved into a self contained bachelor apartment.
Rob would spend the night, we would have outtings, go out for drinks and what not. We, little by little, started spending more nights in, which was fine by me.
One night about 3 years into our relationship or so, Rob made a phone call from my house line. After Rob had left, I needed to call him about something for the following day. Since Rob was one of the few people I actually called, I hit the "redial" key on the phone. When on my screen appeared, Robs password to his voicemail. I dont know what made me call his voice mail, but I did.
To my surprise there was a voice mail from some man, from a chat line?
I was traumatised. I didnt understand. He spent all day with me, we had, at that point, a normal, healthy love life, sex life. Why would he be calling - I thought he had deleted his acct??
I didnt confront him just yet, I waited to see what was happening, where this was going. Hearing strangers voices on my boyfriends voicemail, talkin dirty shit, talkin about hook ups made me sick to my stomach. One night it was the final straw, I knew he was talking to other slags(yes if you havent put 2 and 2 together, Rob is the slag this blog is named after) - I was furious that I had been deceived, betrayed and possibly cheated on.
One night I heard one of his voicemails, this guy named "Mario" had left, he mentioned the chat that he had gotten Rob's phone number from.
Being the curious creature that I am - I called myself.
In my greeting on the chat, I told my age, and the area I lived in.
Boom, I instantly got a message from, Mario. I recognizesed the voice and carried on messaging him as he did with me. I gave him my number and he called.
I went on to tell him where I lived, which prompted him to tell me about this guy, Rob, he had recently met up with. Well that was it for me. Its all I needed to hear.
Mario never went on to tell me about anything sexual as I didnt ask and couldnt bear to hear it. He did tell me that Rob had borrowed some CD's and had yet to return them, which to me meant, Rob would be meeting him again. I wouldnt never lend Cd's to someone I just met of a chat which then led me to beleive he had met up with this Mario more than once.
I eventually confronted Rob about this, to which he denied it. I never told ROb at that point that I had called him voicemail. I left Rob a note and left the apt.
I went back hours later, the note was gone and so was Rob.
I couldn believe that this had happened to me. I couldnt and still to this day could not understand why.
Through all this, in the end, I took Rob back, I was still in love and as they say, and I know all to well now, Love really is blind.
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