Insecurities....

I have to say in rereading parts of this blog, that I became another person for a while, when I was with Rob. I was never the jealous type prior to meeting Rob, I was never given any reason. With other boyfriends, never felt that I had to watch my back or anything of that nature. They were comfortable and flowed sweetly. I must admit that for a while I did feel that way with Rob, until he created "our" dramas.
Its nice to not have to even think of certain things while with someone. Unfortunately that was short lived between Rob and I. He gave me every reason to feel insecure, jealous and also rage, at his actions. I recall going to Uni with him a few times...walking down the road to classes with him, and him gawking at other guys as I spoke to him. I remember once just saying to him, Look at the floor" cuz his eyes were drawn to every other guy who waltzed down the road. Being a 24, 25 year old, who already had a a hard time as Rob jerked me around a bit before we actually became a "couple" it was kind of hard to think he wanted to be with me and only me, though at the time I was thrilled.
There was a time years later when I met a gorgeous man, who I will admit I had a major "crush" on..he was gorgeous, sexy and out of this world. I had never acted out on any of my lustful desires, regardless of the "dry sheets" at home with Rob...I remember this guy being on my mind 24/7. This episode lasted a few weeks, but as I said nothing ever became of it. I did eventually fess up my feeling, but my feelings were that of a lustful nature. I didn't want anything other than a shag, but withheld my desires and settled for "nothing at home".
Rob on the other hand, played his cards differently and acted out, that's one major difference between us. I don't doubt that couples see other people and fantasize about being with them in one form or another, but you would think or hope that these fantasies remained just that, with Rob, again, that wasn't the case...
It wasn't until I realised that I was being cheated on that my insecurities grew out of control. For whatever reason Rob thought that I was a bit much BUT had the shoe been on the other foot, I wonder how his reactions would have been.
Prior to me, Rob had never had any other true boyfriends..this makes me wonder why...I have said it before that I don't think he is b/f material.
There are those queers who live from shag to shag, blow job to blow job, that's Rob's scene.
I on the other hand, along with a minor percentage of the queer population, look or want to get to know the "other person". I am a true believer in monogamy. I thought my relationship with Rob was just that, but thanks to Rob, my relationship was one of these typical queer relationships..."its just sex, it means nothing, I love you" type of deals, that's not what I signed up for.
People that Ive met over the course of, "The Next Chapter" of my life, find it hard to believe that I don't "give it up" so easily...That's not my style. I do admit to one stands in the past, before Rob, but I'm pushing 40 and can get laid whenever I want, I chose to get to know someone, like someone, feel comfortable with someone before I do the dirty...Mind you maybe one too many vodkas would work, but that's my little secret.
Rob falls into the opposite scenario, one compliment and hes down on his knees...Momma must be proud...