Letter of Closure PT II

PT II -

After thinking about our situation and the post relationship sex, it makes me now feel like it was because, “I was there” – which is a horrible feeling now.
It’s actually the reason I was less chatty with you shortly after Africa.
It brings back the time, we first slept together, I had already fallen in love with you, and after a nice day of “enjoying” each other, your words were to me, as we were heading out, “we have to pretend this never happened” – that in itself should have been a hint to me… It seemed we were on a real good roll there for the last 4, 5 or so months. More comfortable and fun with you than the last couple of years when we were a couple. I thought that possibly, like Catherine was hoping(in London) that maybe we would somehow get together. That was all spoiled and so hurtful to me. I think now, how dumb, while I was out shopping for the kids(in London) and thinking of you, and grabbing you things, you were enjoying the company of other guys, in whatever way shape or form(something I didn’t do on holiday). Then to make it worse, I felt like an idiot, and then when I speak to you about it you lied to me. How/why would you do that? It’s so hard for me to say anything good about you. I feel like the last 16/17 years were all a joke, a ride I was on. None of it now seems like it was worth so much time, my time. You lied many times and did things behind my back…I’m not throwing this in your face, I’m explaining. It leads me to think or believe that you probably lied about a lot of things while we were together. I sit and think of certain situations, completely different now.
I say you aren’t the person I met 16 years ago – but the sad thing is, I think you changed a bit as did I during our relationship – thing is you went back to being what you were before we met, if not throughout the better part of our time together, and that Robert has no place in my life.
I think now, I’ve lost my confidant, my shoulder, my travel companion, my camping buddy, my cottage(r) , my shopping gal pal, the only person I can take off my shirt in front of….my best friend.
You know I chat on line, in non sexual chats…I never met anyone, spoke to anyone on the phone. I couldn’t do that, as much as I wanted to get on and meet new friends etc…I didn’t cuz I had you. You’re all I really wanted, all that I needed. The thought was never there to do any such thing, it was/is more of a past time.
I went on facebook the other day and deleted the pic I had of you and me with the heading “my best friend”….You’re not anymore. I’m lost, I’m alone. Work is my only outlet and outing for that matter. How did this happen?
I think I’ve lost part of my family, Rick, Pat, mom/dad…I feel you’ve lost family, Liv, Vic, the guyz. So much is wasted away now, so much has gone sour. So much good history is no more. I don’t know what my future holds for me at this time, I do know that as much as I wish we were, as we were in days gone by, it can’t happen. I can’t have you in my life. As much as you mean to me still!! And that so irritates me, that u still mean so much to me, I have to force myself to hate you in order to wake up in the morning and get to work. I think of you all the time and do so much to get you out of my mind and in the end of it all...why…you’re not going to be around ever again – can you believe this has happened? I knew we would never be friends once you got “out there” – I couldn’t watch that, how could I. But never thought that this would be the case…I thought it would have been you and me against the world, our little retarded world.
I cant bring myself to say anything good about you, I cant believe you are a good person. You’ve broken more than one commandment, that’s not good.
At the same time in your defence, I am probably not good for you either. My attitude is much different these days, I tolerate little, especially now – im not mad fag like you think, I think you have this perception that I spazz out and what not and that you have it wrong. Sure I have my moments but I think you have me all wrong when it comes to that.
This I say in defence to the numerous times you have said that I scare you. I don’t, nor with any half assed explanation, will I understand that. You make me sound like a monster, like you are/were a battered wife. This comes from my having a foul mouth or that like any other human beings, I may raise my voice in moments of stress or anger? Other than that I cannot understand when you speak those words to me.
In closing this letter – I can’t bring myself to type anything all too positive. I wont or cant type out, “take care” or “sincerely”…I think that both of us haven’t learned anything from these 16+ years of friendship. Maybe Ive learned to be less trusting, more on guard and you may have learned to be a bit more honest? Please don’t do this to anyone else. It’s a horrible feeling. Im sure you feel awful for your own reasons against me. I’m just telling you about me. Let’s hope we don’t do this with others in our lives. I’m dreading ending this letter cuz when I do, it will be the same as pulling the trigger. It will be done. This is similar to death BUT I know you are still out there somewhere – I’m grieving losing you, ive lost you. If I was “right” then we probably wouldn’t be in this position now – see im not blaming you only….

im getting out of the area too, I think I need to start fresh, completely Franco, 100% Franco. With everything out of my apt, there is still too much of you here.
I don’t know how to end this…I don’t want to say goodbye but have to - I want to scream your name out! Why why why!!!??


“Life will never be the same as it was again”
Culture Club



Goodbye
Franco

The end...indeed
x

Letter of Closure PT I

In keeping with the end of year cleaning...I'm also cleaning out my PC. Ive found and think its time I let go of the letter of closure I sent on to Rob. Ive held onto it as a reminder of why... and Ive decided to post it here, my final words to Rob. The end of a "chapter" - It will be in parts as it is a long one. It will all be up by Dec 31st, 11:59pm.

July-15-09

Robert –
Please give me a chance to say this all to you, please give me an ounce of respect and time to read this and finalise what we had.

Closure:

Meeting you 16/17 years ago changed my life like you or no one would never know, or could ever believe.
At the time of meeting you and getting together, I had no problems in the world that I couldn’t deal with cuz I had you by my side. You were the one I thought would see me through life till the end, no matter how bitter or twisted life became.
Fast forward 13/14 years…I guess we became different people. Things were different, things were routine. Things had gone dull and lifeless as a couple. We never had sex or went out – we were good “room mates” at that point and that was pretty much it.
Hence, ending our relationship. At this point, as I write, I feel like just typing up a bunch of obscenities but know that would be wrong, to make you understand how I’m feeling – A deep breath and a drag on a fag later….Robert please dont think that I think I was perfect in this relationship. I want you to understand how I feel I want to put this to rest, for my piece of mind – I need to get this (and im sure much more that ill forget to write) off my chest.
I was never the most emotional or affectionate person I agree. But when were together, and right to the end, though I may not have showed it, I would have done anything for you, protected you from anything, watch over you. Regardless of what happened I still wanted you with me. Things were off, but the thought of you not in my life, killed me as it does today. Writing this letter so far has been the most difficult thing I’ve had to do in a long, long time. I wish that you had been more of man with me and been honest to me. I never cared what job you had, how much money you made. What clothes you wear...I just wanted honesty with me. You didn’t give me that and after years of knowing it, I decided that I can’t have you in my life. I’m too afraid of getting reeled in by you. That makes you sound like some wizard villain, I mean that, because of who you are, I would fall back into that pattern, cuz of how I feel, or felt. Though I have lied to you in the past, to a minimum I must say, I was an honest friend/lover. You questioned (just to clear it up) about when I liked that guy Todd at work, I admitted that to you, without you finding out and confronting me, I flat out told you. I can’t or couldn’t lie to you. There was a time when I asked you if you would come with me to open up a P.O. box at a post office, for fear that I would get caught selling bootlegs on ebay. I was afraid to tell you that, for whatever reason at the time. I remember I told you on a Monday about opening a P.O box, I didn’t say anything all weekend long cuz I wanted to keep that from you…the point being, I couldn’t keep it from you and told you. I had a horrible feeling in my stomach all weekend long and HAD to tell you.
The way our friendship ended was due to your lying to me and being disrespectful to me. Its, to some point I think also why I broke up with you. I wish I could ask you why you lied to me. I’m honestly shocked myself at how insulted and hurt I feel about that. Its tainted the entire 16/17 years we’ve know each other and as sad as that makes me, it has. Things like camping with my niece and you, spoiled, Africa….was brilliant but wish it wasn’t you I went with now…meeting Boy George…I’m glad I did it alone as well. None of it is any good anymore – bad overrules good…
When you changed banks and split accts, that was so hard for me at first. I didn’t know how to live on my income, and day by day I get by – tomorrow is always another day. When you didn’t show up on the Monday after our “text battle”, I was shocked, completely thrown as I didn’t think you would do that. I thought you wouldn’t talk to me as I had done with you or something less extreme. I didn’t know how to get myself to work on my own, I didn’t know how to do groceries for myself…where would or how would I get my vodka?! I went looking to see if you had parked your car at the POW – I even emailed you to make sure you were at work, those went unheard. I got confirmation you were at work by other means. I got myself to work on my own.
I had and am still adjusting to you not being around, each day I hate it more and more. I think I portray it to others fairly good as everyone thinks, “I’m doing well”?? Robert – I am a broken boy(I refuse to say man) this isn’t the way life is supposed to be for me…it cant have been planned out this way.
I hate that I think, I know this is the right thing to do.
I know I betrayed you when I slept with that guy in London, yes for that I lied to you. Unfortunately I thought our relationship was done with and needed the company of a man. But even that I fessed up to you, not you catching me as I’d caught you in the past. Again I couldn’t lie to you.. What idiot would admit something like that?? I was so genuinely honest with you…I did for a while(lie), but had to tell you, which wouldn’t have been, hadn’t have been the case with you. We hadn’t been intimate the entire year(and only 5 times the previous) – then after I came back – nada. I’m not trying to justify my actions, I’m sure that is part of the reason you strayed when we were a couple? We were more intimate after we broke up. For that too I am upset at myself. It seemed to me that when you wanted or needed to be with someone you and I shagged. If/when I gave off “signals” they always went unheard (remember Zanzibar?). It now sort of makes sense at how sporadic sex was post relationship, knowing what I know now.
...To be cont'd

x

A Year in Review...

Well Christmas came and went, whats next, Year's end! All went great with Xmas thankfully, a good time was had. Nearing the end of the year to me, makes me think of the 365 days that have just passed by, although there are just a few days left in 2009. The year started on a positive notes of sorts. Rob and I were getting close again, more comfortable with each other than we had been in a while, I should say, I not we, as I'm not sure what was going on in Robs head. The words he spoke and his actions were 2 completely different things. Regardless the days, they passed. May brought on another jaunt over to merry ole England, London to be exact, to reunite with some of the folks I met in Africa last year, it was a blast, met up with Kevan Frost, a musician I LOVE!!! Welcomed Boy George home after being released from prison..lol that sounds funny just writing it out. The press on that day had a photograph of Boy George with a fan who was there with me, she had a gift, so the caption read, "Boy George with one of 2 fans..." I was the other half of the 2 fans, still a fun adventure. Came home to what I thought was a blossoming friendship/romance, only to find that Rob was, as suspected the whore Id been calling him for months, I knew I was right all along. I ditched that faggot thank god, for lying, cheating(in the past), messing around while in my apartment, the list goes on, just read past entries. I made the changes, otherwise we would still be living that miserable existence. So cheers to me for making a change that was long over due. Summer brought onto me, forcing myself to get back out there, on the scene, out living. I had some fabulous nights this past summer, with new, interesting and beautiful people. As Ive said I never understood when theses attractive people would come up to me, I learned to enjoy the time I was with these people. I learned that there are other people out there who like me, for whatever reason. A few friendships were formed, that I continue to work on as I need to expand my social network, not limiting any form of socializing just to work. So for that too I am glad. Ive managed to make my life my own, completely me. The crap I put up with the last 10 years or so, now seems like such a waste of my time and for that I'm bitter, but by moving forward I'm making that change, things are more positive. Summer outings were something to get used to as they were outings I didn't partake in for the better of 10 years or so. The feeling of vulnerability was massive as I made myself go out, made myself go meet people and ventured into new "lands" - I thought that my first birthday as a single man, would put me over the edge - a piece of cake. I spent it with good people who know how to have fun, laugh and enjoy life. A welcomed change, a change I will continue to make and live. The holidays which are half over at this point, also put me to the test and it wasn't all that bad. I will start 2010 on a brighter note. Its a year to start completely on my own. The year of Franco and only, Franco. Ive reconnected with some old friends, and some new friends have found their way into my life. Though the new ones aren't as tight as the old ones, its nice to know, I have the ability, the personality or character to lure people into the world of Franco, and like it. I don't have to be fake with anyone, I don't have to be something Im not anymore. Rob was in my life, the last half of the 90's and the majority of the first decade of this century. That is over. That is a thing of the past and a thrilling adventure awaits me on the flip of the next calendar page, January 2010. Starting off with a vacation, I'm half heatedly looking forward to, but as the days approach, theres a hint of excitement. 2 weeks today I depart, so the excitement will build over the next few days...and I will start this year off on the right foot and hopefully, the past dramas between 1993 to 2009 are over. I don't have to, or want to deal with that stupidity and waste of time EVER again.
That's my year in review....
x

My Christmas Wish...

Well...up early this morning, killing time, I was re reading some of the older posts on this blog, that's how much time Ive had to kill ha ha. Anyways, I re read the entry where I admit to punching Rob in the face at a queer outing. It came back to me, that night. The "why" I did that. I know as well as Rob, if he thinks about it, why I hit him. The same scenario would run throughout our time together. When I hit him we weren't "officially" a couple, its how he made me feel that prompted me to hit him. Fool that I was chased after him to apologize. Regardless, fist met face. In the entry I say how a pang of guilt came over me as I wrote that, but quickly went away. Now that I think about it...The one thing I would love this Christmas, is to relive that moment, again. I would love to wish Rob a Merry Christmas then slam my fist back into his face. Harsh?? Not really, its what he deserves ha ha. The feeling, of feeling like a sack of shit after getting slugged would be, or make this Christmas, the most Merry of them all. If I have to think of him, as I do from time to time, I just despise him. Hearing from real friends who over the years, who never betrayed me in any way, shape or form, makes me happy to think I have those kinds of people in my life. Why didn't I do anything before May 09?? I once confronted Rob when I was living in a rooming house, and put him against the wall, again for similar actions, he never admitted it back then either, with my hands on his throat(this was all pre therapy and before we hooked up) and against the wall, I yelled at him. Scared him to the point where he took off from my apt. I remember I had his keys as I wanted to talk to him about "situations" I had found out about and didn't want him to run as he always did and still does. He stormed out and I followed suit, got in his car and went looking for him. I didn't find him and ended up at a friends place not far from where I lived at the time. You would think reactions like that would sort of put in his head that I'm not into the games he was and always played with me. He was brave, cuz if I had my way back then, and even today, he would not be around to tell the tales. The new me, is about 25lbs lighter, healthier, more social and I think happier than I have been in the last little while. Being asked out for New Years was nice. I made a point of spending last New Years alone for obvious reasons, I didn't wish to spend it with someone like Rob and didn't. I was content being at home, with a "friend"(at the time) rather than someone I knew for 15 years. I'm hoping Rob spends the holidays with his sad clan and has a miserable years end and holiday season. He used to say how the holidays always brought on some tragedy of sorts, Im hoping that is true this year as well...
Tradgey, for Rob, thats my Christmas wish for this year...
x

Proof is in HIS Writings?

Well this weekend brought on a major house/holiday cleaning. I finally attempted my bdrm closet, not the clothes, everything else. Boxes and boxes of memories, photos, nick nacs and more. I have these 2 huge boxes sitting in there, that I've taken from apt to apt. I want to try and narrow it down to one box, on the floor of my closet, not the top shelf. Sifting through cards, letters, school folders was fun, took hours. I came across countless cards from the last 20+ years. I found a card that my parents gave me when I turned 16, just to give u an idea of what I have stashed away. Apart from those, I found numerous letters and cards from Rob. It was easy to throw most away. Any photograph I found went in the garbage. Pictures of us together from day one were stashed deep in these boxes. All in the bin. The cards were priceless and I had to keep a few, not for sentimental value, but 99% of the cards I found, had Rob apologising for the years events. Words such as "I know its hard to trust me", "I'm sorry for the things Ive done over the year." and "You are my everything, I love you with every cell in my body" - I kept these just as a reminder to myself that it was Rob. His words written out, asking for forgiveness, thanking me for not leaving and sticking around. For being there for him. Him wanting to spend the rest of his life with me. All the while, when you read into the letters and cards, you can see a total admission of guilt from "actions" throughout the years. I had to laugh at my own stupidity when I would see the dates noted on these cards. One from 1995, which would have been 2 years or so into our relationship, writing to me how it was a "hell of a year" but we pulled through. Rob has always been the same character and never changed. Ive changed as of today, not wanting to let that happen again, ever if I can avoid it. Allot of the cards brought me back to the time these were given, not in a sentimental value again, but rather thinking of what he was apologising for. Most I recalled as its all burned into my memory. I felt good about myself, knowing I did the right thing my ridding him out of my life, finally. I put up with his shit for so long. Robert was a liar from day one. I'm sure if I could grill him as I wanted to years ago, I would find out lots more that I had no idea went on. Proof of his "mistrust" are good to keep, again, only to remind me, that I did nothing wrong, definitely not as early on as he did. I changed over the years and these cards can explain why. Why I became more harsh with him, especially near the end. My dumping him and kicking him out, was the best move and by reading these cards and letters, would show anyone as to why I did what I did. As Ive mentioned countless times in this blog, Rob pulled the wool over my eyes. Rob thought I would be some subservient "partner" in the sense that I would put up with this? He's wrong, was wrong and always will be wrong. There is nothing to Robert as a partner, as a friend. He's the type of person you don't want to get close to as he is a selfish, sexless, careless, horrible human being.
One write up I found was from myself, a journal entry I printed out. It was dated 1998 -my expressing the lack of sex in our relationship. That was about 5 years into our relationship, he was definitely straying at this point and my writings proved that and reminded me of how long he was fucking around behind my back. All the while, him asking for forgiveness back then, let alone what I would discover years later.
Hatred in my life is focused on one person and one person alone, who deserves nothing positive. The Proof is in his writings"
x

That would be the icing on the cake...

As the year nears its end, I find myself excited about 2010. Ive moved on in ways I didn't think I would have at this point, I didn't think it would or could happen as it has. Rob isn't mentioned much in my life these days which is wonderful. Obviously, as I'm sure with him, there is lots or certain things that will/would remind us of each other from time to time...Its normal, I know it. As mentioned in earlier readings, I never wronged Rob, so the anger bit cant be felt on his end. I don't sit here pondering, wishing and hoping. I did that in years gone by, not today. Ive realised what kind of person Robert Sanita really is. This blog is maintained, at this point, as a testament to my disgust of Rob and nothing else. I will say that what Rob pulled on me, wont fade away as fast as I got over him. Those are 2 different things. I could care less at this point if Rob has a social life, is shagging fellow slags, is out having a good time, it means nothing to me, and no feelings are wasted thinking about those things.
However, when I hear his name, or a friend mentions him to me, I am filled with hatred and disgust. The one thing Rob has done to me, which I think will linger on for years to come is my, not being able to trust anyone. Rob proved to me that everyone is out for themselves, to whatever capacity, or should I say, most people are out for themselves. Rob proved to me in the end, that it is and was only about him, in many many ways. The man who couldn't get a hard on at the best of times somehow manages to go out and lives a seedy sexual repulsive life. Again as Ive mentioned before, I'm chanting that he gets the diseases and misfortune that is deserved. I saw him like I mentioned a few weeks back, driving past me, and what I would have given to see him cross King St, only to be side swiped by a Mac truck or a TTC streetcar, but I don't have that luck.
Most people would say that my words are harsh, yea they are, they always have been. Blunt and direct is how I am. I don't, at all consume myself with him, but I do wish to hear of something tragic. I want his Christmas to be horrid and lonely. I want him to sit in his room alone, crying at the sadness that is his life. The loneliness that is his existence. Rob used to say to me that he doesn't even "know how to be mean" - that he couldn't and would never hurt me...all the while hurting me and being awful to me, indirectly, cuz I didn't find out, behind my back. Happiness isn't deserved on his end. Peace and serenity are not warranted. I wish to hear of the day that some other unfortunate fool that he hooks up with, plays with his head, sleeps around behind his back, gives him some, hopefully, fatal, disease cuz I need a good hardy laugh.
People tend to think that I don't mean what I say. Again I don't live an angry life at all...I'm much more positive that I thought I would be at this stage, BUT when it comes to Rob, I would give up my own life, if I knew the rest of his existence would be as tragic as I wish for it to be. I would give up all my friends, to know that he is dead. To know of his misery makes me smile. I wouldn't shed a tear if I heard of his passing, not now, not ever. I just remember what he did to me, and there is no forgiveness to be given, nothing to forget. Moving on yes, forgetting, not gonna happen. He obviously hurt me to an extreme if I have these feelings. My other exes, who I still to this day think highly of, I wouldn't wish this on them at all...actually no one in my life, with the exception of someone who is no longer involved with me, Rob. I could care less what people say or think of me when I mention what I would like to see happen to Rob, and allot of people don't believe me, but trust me, no one knows what he put me through, how he made me feel, how he betrayed me, insulted me and hurt me...no one. He used to say that he never wanted us to go to bed, or end the night on a bad note...Funny how he was the one who ended it as he did, out in some strangers car, or bed...and expected me to be happy? Well at least if I didn't find out. I did. He can cover up any way he wishes, but he should always remember, that we spent 15 years as friends/lovers and if anyone knows him, its me. What his mother and father know of him is nothing in comparison to what I know. Again they too would be disgusted. The only reason I wish to bump into them, is to tell them..that day will come, somehow, sometime.
I remember years ago, I had a similar situation with a cousin of mine. Telling my cousins mother, of how her daughter was, brought my aunt to tears and screams of "No!!!!' when she was told of her daughters actions, I want to hear that from Robs mother and father...That would be the icing on the cake!
x

Cheaters(Rob) Always Get Found Out -

The big talk in the sports/entertainment world lately has been the Tiger Woods sex scandal. Hookers, slags, lewd text message and more...As of yesterday, his wife has decided to file for divorce. Again as I mentioned a few months back, I can sympathize with this type of scenario. Stories circulated as to how Tiger would pay the wife X amount, millions, to stay with him? Shes been recently photographed by the paps without her wedding band.
Once I threw Rob out of my life, I removed anything related to him, things he had given me. Out the door. I had bought us, years back, "wedding bands". He never wore his. Granted it was too large, but if the symbolism of the rings meant anything to him, he would have had it sized down. I wore it just about everyday, until that day in May when I got rid of it. Necklaces he bought me, went to the trash.
The story of Tiger Woods rings to clear to me and as I say, I sympathise with the Missus, soon to be ex, from new reports. This is the exact same game Rob played on me. I recall years back, while working, on a break, I went on to call Robs voicemail from a payphone near work, to find, messages of fellow whores, replying to his call to them. I went on to bombard the slag who was calling Rob with countless blank voice mails. Calling and hanging up. Childish, I know, but at the time I was lost, no clue what to do...it would take about 10 more years for me to figure out that it never stopped.
Elin Woods, I think that's her name...has had enough after one fling led to discoveries of many more...luckily for her, it wasted 5 years of marriage, where as in my situation, Rob wasted 15. But Elin would get my full support and respect for dumping such a man whore as her husband. Same applies to Rob. Funny that a sportsman and Rob have something in common. Unfortunately it isn't a positive similarity they share. Both are not trustworthy and liars as well as cheats. Too bad international humiliation didn't fall into Robs lap. This is what he deserves, still.
Going through photos for a project I'm working on, led me to find some photos of Rob I hadn't deleted. Looking at him repulsed me. Thinking that I kept the situation as it was for years, was disgusting to me. The fact that I knew things were going on behind my back, pissed me off, so it was easy to delete photos and such.
Elin has the right sense of self respect, that I lacked years ago. Why should she put up with it, even for millions? As i say Rob would cover his guilt with gifts as well, so hes just as sick as Mr Woods. I used to like Tiger Woods, for what he stood for, well rounded american hero. Americas good boy, thats no longer, hes tarnished and branded as a cheat, as is Rob.
Sad characters, the both of them. The deserve the harsh words as what they gave to us is much worse, what they did to us is much worse than what they have to live with.
Cheaters always get found out!
x

Rob: A Poster Child of Faggot...

Well early morning on a December morning, peaceful and slow - for now -
In re-reading some of my posts the other day, I thought that I should explain my terminology. Those who know me well would understand my choice of words and such. I, being queer, call myself just that. Queer, for different. Queer isn't a bad thing, isn't a negative term to me. Fag or faggot I use in a negative fashion. Rob to me, is a faggot. Let me explain. I'm not one of these typical fags who messes around with anything that moves or shows the slightest interest in me. I'm not promiscuous, I don't have bathroom sex or seedy alley sex. I dot go to parks to get off, I don't call slag sex chat lines. Rob fits that description to a T, including the park sex. In a previous entry I mention Robs park hook up(s), as told to me by him. Rob also calls the chat lines and meets faggots such as himself. I believe he calls straight lines to, as that bill I saw months back had numbers that as far as I know cater to the hetero community...Rob also gets off on line, via web cam. Now that's really not that trashy, people need to get off, but he makes himself sound as if he doesn't do any of this, all of which Ive proved to him and myself as well as a few others. Faggots are the ones who spread disease and get the clap. Faggots put other homosexuals at risk of and STD. At the same time, Faggots are also a selfish breed as they only look at themselves, that they re satisfied regardless of any repercussions. Faggot(s) are people, to me, who live double lives. Those who are in a relationship of sorts, yet mess around. This is again, Rob, to a T. If they don't get caught the continue, when they do get caught, or at least the last time I caught Rob, I got the excuse, "I'm lonely" -
Queers on the other hand, and again this is my view, my definitions...Queers look for friends, look to have a good time, are different, hence the word Queer. When in a relationship, they remain monogamous, they don't lie, cheat, do things behind their partners back. I don't call chat lines or those types of things. I do chat on line, something I have never denied. I don't on the other hand get off on the WWW. The chats I use, are just for that, chatting about this that and the other thing. Things happening in town, arranging get together to get to know fellow queers. Not to hook up. My friends, those who are gay or predominantly Queer, the odd faggot here and there but those are guys I don't really think highly of.
I'm not looking to meet or get involved with other faggots. Ive had my share and am done with them....A nice queer boy would be nice to meet someday...just not yet. Personally I'm not ready for anything like that. As I mentioned before, I'm enjoying my time. Sure I go out and have a good time, sometimes too good, but Ive sacrificed enough over the last decade or so. But one day, who can say what will happen...but should I give into the world of "love" ever again, it will be with a fellow Queer not some selfish faggot, I spent 15 years knowing someone like that, and that is the last time that will happen. This Queer has learned his lesson, though a hard one to learn, I have learned something.
The dictionary definition of Faggot, should have Robs photo next to it, as that's all one really need to know.
Rob is the poster child of Faggot -
x

A Wolf in Sheeps Clothing...

Years ago I used to work in a different dept than I do these days...My old boss asked me this morning, "Your bitch still driving you into work?" - I told her I haven't seen him since May of this year. She was surprised as she thought we had a great "post relationship" friendship - so did I until May. I went on to explain how we had been getting on much better the last 4, 5 months prior to May, and I was thinking, possibly hoping, to try and reconcile, as he was sounding like he was heading in that direction as well from things he would say to me, how he would act etc - that was quickly shattered upon my return and my "findings". I went on to tell her a nutshell version of how he is a wolf in sheep's clothing. He's not what he appears to be. That he can play all sweet and innocent and what not with others, but not with me. I know the real Rob, most don't. She was surprised at hearing his sex chat calls, his hooks ups, worse than that the possibility of putting ME at risk of some STD. She went on about her shock at the situation. She asked me why he would lie to me?? Ive asked myself that a million times. All I can think of his utter self humiliation and embarrassment at the kind of person he really is, a typical, promiscuous, self loathing, faggot...I found out. I told her how I asked him if he slept with anyone, to which he responded, "no"...She said, "well that's good"...I responded with, "No...", that I then asked, "Did you suck some guys cock and come back to me and kiss me on MY lips" - to which the response was, Yes", her jaw dropped. Partially due to the language and partially at Robs response. She said she felt bad for me and I told her I was over it. I told her how I was completely honest with him, telling him when I had fallen in lust with someone while together, how Id slept with someone after our relationship fell apart etc. I didn't lie to him, I didn't with hold that kind of info as I couldn't. I told her that when he responded yes to my asking him if he had gone down on another guy, that was in reference to our earlier years together, as I knew he was fooling around be hind my back. Friends can attest to these suspicions, early on in the relationship. I knew he was cheating or had cheated. I told her of my holiday in May of this year, and what he had been up to, in my apt, in my bed, while I was away, she said "What an awful creature, I'm so shocked" - I told her how whe Rob wanted to have sex he would make advances towards me, but when I did, it fell on deaf ears. How he thought I was just a shag buddy, that he forgets is his style and not mine. I was who had sex with when his "tricks" werent around, but had no idea. When people know the truth about it, the real truth, not some sugar coated version, they're opinions of Rob are brutal. Which to me, puts a small smirk on my face. She went on to say, "When you said leaving him was the best thing you did, I thought you were still hanging out" - I told her, as of May, that day when I asked him to go back to my apt, clear it of his things and what not, it was over. Hearing him finally confess, weeks later, to many infidelities, was when the sadness was lifted. I stopped crying. I was hurt but the tears stopped and anger moved in. Hearing that as Ive said to many and written a million times, proved to me that he didn't have the love for me that I had for him. Love for him quickly died with confirmation of such lewd acts behind my back were confessed.
At times I think of him when it was his birthday, the fact that Christmas is just around the corner and I have zero feelings for him. I may miss the companionship, but I didn't deserve what he did to me and for that, I will never forgive or ever want him in my life, to any degree ever again. There is no place in my life for such trash. Ive been crossed before, as we all have, but never to this degree. Again as I always say, trust is the biggest thing for me, and I lost that with Rob. He is no different that these sleaze bags Ive seen trolling out of the bath houses at ridiculous hours of the night. That is what Rob has always been, it just took me 15 years to realise that and do something about it -
Rob was and always will be, A Wolf in Sheep's Clothing -
x

No "Christmas Past"....

The other day while waltzing to work, as I stood by the road side, waiting for the lights to change...who should zip by me but, Rob! It was a feel good day for me for whatever reason. Im sure he recognized me, or saw me. He couldnt have missed me..ha ha.
Miserable looking is all I can say. The last few days Ive been "off". This is my first "solo" holiday season. So things are different, but I deal. A few people suspect its in reference to the ex. Its so not the case. Its the smartest thing I have done in a while. I can say I sorta missed someones approval on holiday decorations, something so simple, but I lost interest and left it as is. No one to enjoy it...so I let it be. Im learning to enjoy my time with others in my life, so this is new to me, and its exciting at the same time - Next!
Having finally had my first "run in" with Rob, though not as I imagined, I still wanted to hurl my handbag at his car. I didnt get full of rage as it was sorta fast as it happened. Thoughts of pure hatred though coarsed through my veins. Thought of not missing him were confirmed, thoughts of, "did i do the right thing", were confirmed. As i sit in my apt on nights in, I enjoy the fact that no one is around. I dont have to deal with the drama queen antics of Rob. My other friends arent as dramatic which is a pleasant change. As Ive said earlier, I dont have to put up with the ridiculousness that was my life, same time last year. The falsehood of lving the life I lived is over. Im looking forward to getting on with my plans for the holiday season, meeting up with old friends, as annoying as family can be, Im looking forward to that as well. I dont long for the same Christmas' of days gone by, they werent real, they werent what I needed or wanted. Guilt gifts are un neccessay. Being greatful that he got away with things, by masking them with gift giving is over. While throwin up a few Christmas decorations here and there, I found Robs stocking as well as a personalised ornament my mother purchased for Rob...The stocking found its way to the bin, and a hammer found its way through the ornament, as pretty as it was, his name was plastered all over,and finally the hammer had its way with it. It was almost theraputic to slam the hammer through his name. Im glad that sadness doesnt take over, rather, fulfillment that I can do these things, I can carry on with no remorse, no feelings towards him. This holiday season will be differnt, but more of what it should really be like, not the holidays of "Christmas past" -
x

Flushed down...

Well well so now we have approached the eve of Robs 41st sad year - While at work the other day, some mentioned the upcoming tragedies of Robs bday. My comment back was, "theres nothing to celebrate at the fact that hes lived this long" - To which one friend said, "you don't mean that" - "I do", was my response. I don't think people realise the hatred I have for him. Ive never had this hatred for anyone else, well one other person, but they re dead now. I don't dwell on it as hes not worth my time, but when hes mentioned, I say awful, vile things all of which I mean. Rob to me is not a human being, Ive said all this before. Only bad news from his life is a good thing to me. Friends who took him out to dinner, I told them to make sure they don't catch anything from him, to make sure they "sanitize" - I was told to "play nice" lol. I do, not when it comes to Rob. I hope tomorrow he reflects on his stupidity. I hope he has a miserable day and it drags on, about thoughts of what a real loser he is. Theres a song called "Sad" - lyrics below -

Sorry about your life
Sorry about your face
I didn't break your heart
Or tamper with your brakes
You were headed for a spin
So you tried to drag me in
Maybe you had a difficult life
Maybe you're just the faithless kind

Well I got my revenge
My name in neon lights
You got what you deserved
Your sad and miserable life

Sad sad sad sad sad sad
And worse than that you think you're so bad
I could beat ya
I could teach ya
I'm not coming down to meet ya
You're so sad

Which are fitting to Robs life...Sad. My life has carried on, moved forward, made change and all of which I'm thrilled about. Life has new meaning now, living is happening more than the last decade of my life. Doing this is easier not having to put up with his lack of living or loving for that matter.
Tonight I will be stepping out, sure I will drink a glass to him, the fact that he is out of my life for good, is reason enough to cheers to, with real friends.
The holidays are coming up and this to will be a happier holiday being with the people I love and who truly and genuinely love me back. Gifts mean nothing to me, thoughts are what count, real people count. The only gift for Rob this year, from me, was flushed down the toilet about 20 minutes back, its what he deserves, its what he will get...
x

Robs pathetic year...will continue

As another year comes to an end for Rob, I'm trying to think what good he had/has done to himself or others for that matter, while in my life at least. For the most part of the year, Rob has been history, but until 2009 comes to an end, he will be part of the end of this decade. Our last together in any way, shape or form. He lost his best friend, was caught out and proved to be a liar, ended up back into(useless) therapy, ended up back home with mum and dad. Was there any good? As far as I know he never even ventured out of the country, but that I cant prove and really don't care, its just what I know, until told otherwise. I wont say that there had been many highlights in 2009, but can surely hold my head high for what has happened, for things I changed. Had I not stepped up when I did, we would probably be in the same position we were a year ago. Living fake lives, unhappy lives, sadly routined lives, something we lived for the last 7, 8 years. I have special people in my life, thankfully. As I mentioned in earlier posts, 2010 will be a new year, a new beginning for me. I think and hope, that for Rob it will be a lonely year. A year to realise how he messed up his own life, how he tried to drag me down with him. A year to realise, finally, that he cant get away with things hes done. He fooled me for along time, that has come to an end. A year of misery as he has deserved, for a long time now, is hopefully what await him. The beginning of his 40's was the beginning of a new life for him as well. A shady life, deceitful life, maybe an honest life? But that would make it a trashy life. He must be used to life without me, as I am used to life without him. With still no desire to be in the same area with him, I'm sure he must feel the same, but if only for fear of what I may say or do. 41 and 2010 for Rob will carry on as the past few years have, you cant teach an old dog new tricks, and that's exactly what Rob is, "an old do" who does "tricks" - Some things will never change as they never did. Robs existence will continue, to me, to be, pitiful and pathetic regardless of any changes he may make. He could do nothing to redeem himself, not in my eyes, not that Id want him to, just saying in passing. Although I don't think of him like I used to when I first kicked him out of here and out of my life, I still get full of rage at the thought of him. Again, he cant feel this towards me when I didn't do what he did to me, as friends or lovers. Another miserable year for Rob up ahead - more than likely and I'm chanting for that!
Robs pathetic year...will continue for years to come...
x

Birthday Bliss!!

Out with 38 and in with 39!
This birthday, to me, in an odd way, signifies a new beginning. A new solo adventure. Rob knew me from the ages of about 23 to 38, a long time. I go into 39, single, on my own and with anticipation. Ive reached a personal goal just the other day. On Nov 25th 2008, I decided to start watching myself, healthwise, size wise etc. I started my new "regime", weighing in at 188lbs, I now am thrilled to say, I am 167lbs. Thats over 20lbs! I did it. Although Im still not thrilled at my size, its a personal thing, Im glad I was able to acheive this. So in that respect, 39 is a off to a good start. I have a few dinner plans this upcoming week, thru til weeks end. So it will be exhausting, but each and every one that I am spending these times with, are worthwile, true people. People I love and trust. I dont need expensive gifts, to be showered with gifts. Rob would always do that, and now in retrospect it was out of guilt, not joy, well most of it. In a way, 39 is starting out on a more realistic look on life. As I mentioned Rob tried living a false lifestyle in many ways, or he went about it, goes about it wrong. Im able to still acquire most things I want, so financially its the same. I have a few social friends, which is a great start to "getting out there". I plan for more changes in 2010 as I mentioned earlier on in this blog. Ive done things already, that I was putting off til next spring/summer, so Im a few steps ahead and its a nice feeling.
38, was a shitty year. Too many dramas. My holiday to London was a highlight of my 38th. Rob ruined my mid year with his skankiness, but I rid myself of him. Late 38, was a time of change, of acceptance, of independance. I congratulate myself on small goals thus far and things can only get better from here, and in many more ways, as some already have ;)
Happy Birthday to me!!
x

Desire(ous)

Well having stepped out last week for a night out, I met a guy whose shown interest in me. I find that funny as I don't understand, I never do, what people like about me. My joke to them, is that I look better with dimmed lights, and a bit of liquid courage coarsing through my veins, like in a club ha ha, or that any pic they see of me, is just that a good pic, not that I really look like that. I guess that's part of low self esteem, but regardless I carry on. Its nice to feel desirable. As Ive mentioned before, the last 5, 6 even 7 years of being with Rob, which is pretty much the last half of our time together, he never made me feel this way. Funny how strangers can do the complete opposite in a short period of time. I tell these guys when they ask to get together with me, that I'm not looking for "hook ups" - That's something my ex did not me,and continued to do while we were together, hence, being single...and loving it these days. Chatting with a friend the other day, I mentioned my "no desire" to be with anyone. This is my time. This is time for me to enjoy my own company, the company of others. I don't think of having someone special. The thought is nice, but now its nothing I care to have. Maybe in time, but for now - uh no. Right now I just care to expand my social circle. To get to know people, in order to have the right people in my life. I already have met a few, that I'm glad Ive met. This new guy, the one thing I like about him, is he is a man, something Rob wasn't. I mean he(this new guy)is all man. Not some lanky, wimpy, sexless male, like the one I spent the greater part of my youth with, my lost youth as I refer to it these days.
I'm not gonna lie, meeting new people, going out on my own is always scary, in different ways. Im so suspect of everyone, I feel that everyone has a hidden agenda. I feel this way I think, cuz of things that went on between Rob and I. Thanks to Rob I hate the "queer world". Im slowly coming to realise that all queers are not like Rob. Ive met some sweet guys who want the same things I want, not just bed hopping. I did that in my younger years, been there done that. Alot of queers never outgrow that, Rob being one of those. It's nice to know there is some substance to some men out there. Rob was just about living a fictious life. A glamorous life that he has all wrong. Ive said it before that Im a simple person, happiness doesnt have to consist of what is Robs perception of happy, he confuses happy with trashy and who wants or really needs that? Not this boy.

Real Men...Not Rob...Real Memories..Not With Rob...

The other day, while thinking of one of my new "friends", he has something very familiar about him. I went on to search online for friends from my past days, to see if anyone could confirm my information. To my "chagrins", I found my first bf, Neil, and some of the friends we hung around with, at that time in my life. Anyways, one connection led to another, to exchanging numbers, planning a "reunion" of sorts, chat here and there. Upon getting first contact with Neil, I became all "gitty", just a funny, fun, happy feeling. When I ran into the next, and the next, I was taken back to the "good ole daze" - A time of minimal responsibility, rampant love affairs, late night drinking, the odd "druggin" and dancing binges, club hopping, late night, early mornings. They truly were the best! I understand part of it is youth...but I loved that lifestyle. I know now as an adult I need to be responsible, with the odd adventure and fun times thrown in the mix, somehow, sometimes. Having gone out the last couple of times, kinda reliving those days, has given me a new, sort of attitude, change in life. When I was with Rob I never lived any of those nights, with the exception during the "courting" period, where we would go to clubs/out. Shortly thereafter, that dwindled from minimal to nil. Clubbing has always been something Ive loved. I met Rob in club. We met on the phone, but our first face to face was at a club called, Colbys. Years into the relationship, while watching something on the television, in regards to people who live lives of clubbing and relaxed living. I never wanted to be that extreme. But said to Rob, "I'm living the wrong life."(in regards to the clubbing part), he said, "you like clubs?" With this real puzzled look on his face. I was shocked at that question, he had known me the better part of 8/9 years at that point. So puzzled at that question I was. So basically he(Rob), didn't know the real me, in many ways.
In regards to my "old" friends. The guys I hung out with back in those days, were the best to be around. We had highs and lows. Things were extreme at times, and at other times, things seemed more like a comedy sketch. The drama was all over the place, but the core of us, never bullshitted the other. No one in the core group lied about things. These were times of living off the system and having fun with it, youth. We had minimal money, and too much time.
One of the guys I chatted to said, that when he was in a shop the other day, and saw an Oleta Adams CD, he thought of me. When Neil and I dated, just a spring romance, we had "our song" and it was, Get Here, by Oleta Adams...That was funny to hear from someone. The few years that that crowd hung around, was a fraction of the time I knew Rob. Those memories, to this day, are the best days of my life. That was good honest, but street poor, life. The guys, throughout all these years have been with me in memories, never forgotten. The impact was great as its been 20 years and I feel the same. Memories of Rob stir nothing in me. Even amazing memories, we did together, they are now about me. I went to Africa, I went to the Mayan Riviera. The memories are differnt.
Im not saying that I will be going back to that lifestyle. None of us live it and none of us could, but being back in touch with good guys like that is such a good feeling.
Real Men who gave me Real Memories...not Rob
x

Coward...The description fits.

The other night out with a few friends, from the cyber world...I got questioned about my last relationship, as that is mentioned in my profile. I gave the nutshell version, cuz really..Ive talked about it enough to people. Yet I get the message across real clear these days in the nutshell version. - Asked how it ended, its always fun to tell, see earlier posts about my return home from holiday... told of the text battle we had, which led Rob to scurry away. Coward is what my friend Patrick said...and how fitting. Yes he was a coward. Unable to face me, unable to talk to me, ignoring me, "needing time to himself" - all the while I was the one wronged. So yes, coward, is another adjective I can use to describe one Robert Sanita. I never though of the word coward, I don't think ha ha. I just refer to him, when I do, as a cheat and a liar. Obviously those were the main reasons I dumped his scrawny ass. But yea coward is fitting as well. Whenever we were to discuss something of a serious nature, he would clam up. Denying, avoiding, sweeping problems under the carpet, that's what he is like, unless therapy is teaching him otherwise, but I doubt it highly. Embarrassing as Ive mentioned before, yet another adjective to describe him. Its also a good adjective for myself, as I was stupid enough, blind enough, sad enough even, to have put up with what I knew was happening and had happened years earlier. I recall when I was on holiday, actually standing outside Boy George's home, waiting for him to arrive...How I got this text that the porn channel wasn't working? Of course that caught my curiosity, little did I know what it would all mean, what was happening in my home, in my bedroom. Little hints like this, while away, led my mind to wander and my thoughts were right. He went about how were weren't together...Now technically no, but ask anyone in our circle of friends, at the time how he carried as if my boyfriend, with me. I made points of stressing my individuality, but down to basics, we were living and acting like partners. He obviously was playing head games as he had for many years before. Having everything crash in his face made him run, made him hide and made him disappear. My text of, "wish i never met you", rang loud and clear and with one hundred percent truth. I wish I hadn't. I wasted too much of my time. He didnt waste his time as he was having his cake and eating it too, why would he complain? Why would he "leave me"?? - I got the balls to shut him out and start living again. I want, need real friends. If I get involved with anyone on a serious level, he would have to be a man in every way, that Rob definitely wasn't. I stress that people with colourful pasts should stay out of my way. This includes Rob. His past, and his time with me, were extremely "colorful", before and during our time together. He continued right til the end to play games with my head. He is soon to be 41 and a more pathetic human being, of his age, Ive never met. RIP Rob, the man I met, is dead. Hs actions killed him to me. Sad he will forever be....and a coward...The description fits him like a glove.
x

Profiles....Hmmm

I was just overlooking the blog and noticing the profile pics etc. Well let me explain. The photo on the top right of the blog, at one point was actually a pic of the ex, until he called the police and whined about this blog, apart from other things I did, created, said, in frustration early on when this friendship took its last breath. Anyways, it wasn't even the phone call from the police that made me change it, it was a frantic, overly dramatic call from concerned friend of mine, that Rob cried to. So on her words, I decided to change the pic. I replaced it with a sexy pic of a boy I know in cyberland. Much better pic than the original one...
The pic, under, "About Me", is, yours truly!
Once Rob was "evicted" from 2 Regal Rd, he left countless DVDs, misc little items, but lots, here and there. I made him aware of what he left back and no word was uttered about getting the rest of his things. I took it upon myself to get rid of them somehow. Certain things I just threw in the trash...his DVD sets he left behind came in handy as well as his IPod and a few other collections and such. I managed to make about $300 in total of selling his "junk". I decided to treat myself, to get me something nice with his money. Id been eyeing this hoodie, the one in the pic, for weeks, contemplating if I should or shouldn't. I did! With that extra "income" provided by the sales I made. I purchased a hoodie, from Boy George's clothing line, B-Rude. I love it. I deserve it...and I call it, The last thing Rob bought me... I'm not materialistic as most think, I was more simple than Rob, and I don't mean that as an attack, its how it was. That hoodie as much as I love it , I hate it...its almost a reminder of him, sort of like, I used his money to purchase it. On the other hand I think, Its so cool to have, thrilled that I own it, and I earned it and guilt goes away. So I had to photograph myself in it and there you go...
The history of my B-Rude hoodie and the profiles.
x

Horrible, irresponsible, disgusting human being - He is...

As much as I don't care about anything in regards to Rob...the odd thing, or thought does cross my mind. I'm curious as to what he tells people in regards to being "single". You know how the conversation goes, after any split, of any kind for that matter, between lovers, friends even family for that matter. Does he tell the truth about being single again? Does he tell that his cheating and lying is what led him to be single, to lose his, one time, best friend? I doubt he could tell the truth. It's not that, "it didn't work out", its not, "we grew apart" - its, "I lied and cheated on my ex boyfriend/friend" - that is what he has to say, to be truthful at least. He couldn't possibly admit this to anyone, he could hardly admit it to me without massive hesitation. I had to force the truth from him. After knowing him 16+ years, I still had to force the truth out of him, so I doubt any of his current "friendships/relationships" are of a truthful nature. I speak the truth loud and clear, with no hesitation, no embarrassment, no denial of my past, in way, shape or form for that matter, any situation is open for discussion. I don't clam up, I don't deny anything about my past with Rob, before and after Rob. That's what makes the difference between Mr Sanita and Mr Marcantonio. He should count his blessings, get on his knobby knees and thank god he had someone like me in his life. He will never have anyone like me, he doesnt deserve anyone like me...I'm not all that and abag a chips, I'm far from it BUT, Rob will never be able to have what we had with anyone. Primarily cuz he was able to get away with allot of bullshit, behind my back that is. Hopefully no other faggot will be as dumb as me to overlook, let slide by, what he has done in the past and will more than likely continue for the rest of his days. As Ive said a million times, since I closed the door on him, he deserves a life of misery. I would say that I wanted him dead, and as much as I do...I think a loooong life of misery, mental torture, head games, filthy diseases, family trauma, desperate loneliness is more appropriate! His head games with me went on for years, he knows it, he;s not that dumb, I was. He never showed an ounce of guilt for what he did, he regrettd it only when caught but before that, he lived life with as if nothing had ever happened. That is the defintion of a "horrible, irresponsible, disguting human being" - That is one, Robert Sanita!
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Dysfunctional!

Its weird how watching art imitate life, or is it the other way around...makes me see how my past situations, sort of affect me. Watching a show of such dysfunction is always interesting. When the one character realised, or came to admit to herself, her husbands infidelity, I got sort of a butterfly feeling in my stomach. I felt bad for her, I sympathised with her. For a brief moment I was sad. She didn't understand why her husband would go behind her back. For the first time, I was/am able to relate to a character whose gone through something personal like that. The character said that she wasn't telling anyone because its was embarrassing, it was admission of failure in society. I wont say that my situation is an embarrassment, other than the fact that Rob fooled me time and time again...that i was a fool to forgive him and carried on, that was the stupidity of my part. If I was the person I said I was, when I first found out that Rob was cheating on me, early on in the relationship, I should have ended it, yet carried on, for 10+ years. If I have to think about it, it is/was a sad situation, but for the fact that I was wronged, it is easier to deal with. Watching the husband on stage, and having this hate for him for doing what he did to his wife, I think of Rob...The hatred towards him that I feel. The woman still loved her and so she told him as he walked out. It was made clear that if it didn't work out with the husband and his play toy, that it wouldn't work out between them regardless, that's how I felt and feel. I couldn't possibly have anything to do with Rob ever again, to any capacity. The hurt this character felt, came through to me as I experienced the same thing. It was as if, that part of my life was played out on stage, I took it personal, I understood the tears she shed, the screams she yelped. The character was a strong character, an independent character. This, I'm trying to be. Feeling betrayed like the character, hearing her say she was betrayed, her love and trust were betrayed, rang loud and clear to me. The character of the jilted wife, I loved. I am or was that person. I, at times cant believe that that happened to me as I look back but it has. Having washed Rob out of my hair is easier with each passing day. The hate and betrayal I feel still are strong feelings in me. The thought of him repulses me, the fact that I was taken for a fool for such a long time, that I carried on knowing what I knew to be true, pisses me off. Touching his body, lips and more, disgust me. The fact that he would touch someone else's lips apart from mine, makes me sick to my stomach. Knowing he shed his clothing in front of someone else, and then coming back to my bed, makes me wanna throw up. The female character eventually, was alone, stormed out of the house, to carry one a new life...That is my character. No time for more for anymore games, yet time to start over again.

Victim? Molested? Think again...

Over the years, in times of "drama", when Rob would breakdown and speak of his past, before I was in the picture, through tears and sobbing...he would sound upset at certain events of years gone by. Again he mentioned to me being molested as a kid, I don't even buy that these days. You've heard of these kids at younger than average ages, who mess around, screw around, I'm a firm believer that this is what Rob's childhood issues were, not that he was molested. He pursued these dramas, they didn't just happen beyond his control. That's more of a "sob story" to feed people, to feel sorry for him, I doubt very highly that there is any truth in that "story". His getting upset at past family issues never makes sense to me as he did the exact same thing in his private/personal life, with me. It obviously couldn't have affected him to any degree. One winter night, after a few too many drinks at a family dinner, I came home, we chatted on the phone and for whatever reason, I lost it on Rob. It was probably the home brew that pushed me over the edge but it was liquid courage to vent my frustrations. But as they say, the truth usually comes out when you're on the sauce. I remember yelling in the phone, that "what your father did to your mother, you did to me!" - The way you re dad hurt your mom, you did to me. I no longer wanted to hear the "same old same old" - It was just a line he would feed me and others. So sad to use family as an excuse when obviously you learned nothing from it, yet just an offspring of the same nature. Whats worse is to make up stories and cry crocodile tears at history, that really didn't happen. For that alone he should despise himself considering there are real victims of these issues, he was not victim, just playing one - I don't buy it!
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Trashy Creature of the Night

As I sit here in the early morning darkness, I enjoy the only quiet time of the day for me. It reminds of the days that all Rob wanted to do, what Rob would do if I allowed him when he stayed here, was to sleep to all morning. I could never understand how he could sleep so much. Along with a mid day, early evening nap. If I nap during the day, theres no way I'm sleeping when its actually bedtime. I always feel early morning is the best time of day...BUT for Rob, after experiencing life with him, his "hidden second life", it now makes sense, the need to nap or the desire to sleep til all hours of the morning. He was and would be up til the wee hours of the morning. Out and about, whether it be on the sex chat lines, out meeting guys or, as I recently discovered, with my own eyes, getting off on the WWW on Cam4...-
I lead a fairly normal, 9-5 life, I thought Rob did to until I found out otherwise. It would amaze me that he would leave here at 9-ish, or 10-ish on weekends, when he ventured to mums. But again, little did I know that as I went to bed, he went out or called up his "slag" jack off buddies or hooked up with some of the trash he still encounters I'm sure. This started years ago as Ive noted in previous entries. Is funny as Ive mentioned before, that when I first met Rob he would tell me about the countless late night "tricks", it never changed. It took years to realise this, to admit this to myself, yet not to Rob himself, when this was discussed. Again as Ive said Rob is a habitual liar, always in denial even with hardcore proof. It explains, sorta, the laziness he had, the exhaustion he told me of on our drives into work...I would be exhausted too. Hes no longer 22, yet an aging old sad queen/queer of 40+, yet lives, tries, the life of a 20 something year old. If I had to grade Rob on life in general he would get a huge F - FAILURE. Being able to get laid by fellow whores and slags is not living, yet more of a slow death, which is imminent, I crave for news of illness or sadness or depression, anything that is headed his way in a negative aspect. Ive said before I'm a true believer in karma and he had no positive energy headed anytime soon, nor is it deserved. I remember telling him in a letter, that hes broken more than one commandment, towards me at least. His faith in GOD is a blurred one as he cant follow what he preaches in that respect. I can only imagine his grandparents, who came to this land for a better life, rolling in their graves as he must be the biggest disappointment in his family. Most of his family that I met over the years, were stable, intelligent and good people, sad that it stopped with Rob - He is nothing like the family members I met - His grandparent would be disgusted if they knew how he turned out, and are probably better off in another dimension, as that's nothing to be proud of..
He's just a trashy creature of the night!
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Feel Good Day

The other day, while on route to the theatre district, i bumped into a woman, Ive referred to as my, "bus buddy". I see her just about everyday and we exchange pleasantries usually with a nod of the head or smile, while on our way to work. Today while going down the stairs to the local tube platform, she came by by side and said good morning, to which I obviously and politely, wished her the same, with a smile and a soft spoken, "good morning". I took my usual spot on the platform, while listening to some "reg-gay" music. She came and stood by me and I noticed she was taking her earphones out, as if to say something to me, so I did the same, casually. She leaned over and said, "Ive been wanting to say hi to you for a while", I responded with, "well we see each every morning..". We started out chatting, all the way through work. She was sweet to me and liked me for whatever reason. She said she "liked my look" to which Ive heard the odd time, here and there, and have no clue as to what people mean - I draw on my eyebrows, but that's certainly not "a look"?? Speaking of which, while switching trains, she said, "Oh and ?I love your eyebrows" - I said to her, after a giggle, "they cause allot of unwanted attn", again giggle giggle. It was a great way to start off a gloomy Monday. It made me feel good about myself. I have a very low ego, and I'm cool with it, contrary to popular belief. Having low self esteem, makes me appreciate myself a bit more, if that makes sense...is it 4:20 hmmm
Having someone take an interest is such a great feeling. Rob hadn't made me feel that way in such a long time. I'm not saying I did, or maybe i did, in my special way, blind to him...Regardless, though no friendship is to be foreseen here, we will see each other on the tube, for a time to come if we are both employed as we are. She made me smile and feel good about, Franco. Its funny how a complete stranger can change your day, from the get go...and yet, someone you think(thought) you can trust, someone you believe to be your best friend/partner(in crime) can do the complete opposite. Rob was more of a strange, than the woman I met today.

3rd Time a Charm...Not

While on lunch the other day, with a gal pal of mine - she says to me with excitement, maybe more shock?? "Guess who I saw this weekend?!" I thought it was a mutual friend whose b-day had passed...Nope, Rob. I "pffft-ed" basically and carried on with our conversation, sans Rob. We went on to talk about the weekend etc. She told me there were some pics of the weekends events on Facebook. Then went on to say, "you can see Rob's back in one of the pics." - god love her! - I said, "that's his best side cuz his face cant be seen." -
She went on to tell me he was "seeing someone", as in a shrink. This would be, as far as I know his 3rd attempt at therapy. There is no support to be given, not from my end. He needs it, he should never be without it, but support - nah. I told my friend, I went to therapy the one time, for a long time, but kept it up with the same therapist for about 5 years. I learned allot about myself and life in general. Ive not had, suicidal thoughts, even in times of excruciating pain, that's history. I'm no longer depressed or messed up - and boy was I messed up, pre therapy. My therapy was a one stop deal. Get better, figure things out and start living. For this I give myself an A+, cause, its been accomplished!
Rob on the other had...I referred to him, to my gal pal, as a "defective". He doesn't admit to all his wrong doing, not even to himself. The man is a sad creature. 3rd time round in therapy, and for whatever reason I don't even believe that. Is he saying this so others think he is helping himself, cuz I'm sure hes not.
This blog came up in conversation and I was asked, "you still keep it up" - "Oh yea" I shot back. This is my therapy. Spewing hatred, that Id rather not act on, but put in writing as a way to let it out, to deal with, to admit to myself my mistakes, how I was made to feel, and how I made myself feel...that's what this blog is about. I could careless if Rob were to read it, its all true and he knows it..its just my story and the aftermath..at this point a good laugh can be had, but how he made me feel, I doubt will pass anytime soon. I said in my letter to him, my letter of closure, to "not do this to anyone else". To not do, what he pulled on me, to anyone else. It wasn't fair, wasn't right and definitely not deserved. Considering he was as sexually active as a piece of stale toast, you'd think Id be the one messing around...too weird? All backwards if I think about it...
Anyways...Theres no saving him...In this one case, I DONT think,
"3rd Time is a Charm"
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The Curse is Broken...

For years, Halloween with Rob was short of colorful. I dont rememeber much that we did for Halloween, with the exception of the last few, while on rocky grounds, at a friends home. Other than that, Hallowen was spent at home. More for the lack of social skills Rob has/had. I wonder if he will again, do nothing and hide from the world outside. I remember whenever we would go out, and not in a social setting, rather, out to run errands, or shopping, which was all our social life consisted of. His worry was if we should bump into someone. That always left me baffled as, there was no outside life? Who could he possibly bump into?? He has no friends, no real friends that is. If I think about it now, he probably didnt want to bump into one of his tricks and getting caught red handed, it was already too late... Its the only "people" he should have been worried about bumping into really. It was funny how, the few times I went on holidays alone, I was told of his adventures out with friends. Whenever we were together, if we went out, our evening ended fairly early. But when I wasnt in the picture, whether it be a work function or a social function, he would be out all hours. Returning home at 2, 3 in the morning. I remember after my first solo adventure abroad, upon my return I was told of his going out with a few friends of ours to a queer watering hole...we NEVER did that in the last 10 years, and we didnt after hearing that...I remember questioning him, why dont we ever do that..why dont we go out...More thank likely, he couldnt not do what he really wanted to do when we were together, especially at some queer venue...Could it be cuz he couldnt do as he wished in my presence? Not that he could with our common friends, but he was free when I wasnt around. It baffles me, the life I lead considerin how much more fun it is these days. Without a thought of missing or wantin to see him again, Im free as ever. I can have fun, not worry about where I go, no fear of running into anyone as he would feel anytime we would step out...even to the local mall. With me in the picture, he would pass out at 8pm, maybe 9...though when he would leave, or I was away, he somehow found the energy to be up til 4am chatting and meeting fellow slags...He called this "boredom", how nice to hear...how nice to find out about his lies...and how genuine of him...to lie about it.
Halloween has now come and gone and a nice time was had, nicer than the last couple of years together. Last year, for New Years, having had a rough couple of weeks prior, I opted to spend New Years alone...It was a bit odd, and in the end I had a nice time, even alone. I made the choice to do seperate things, to break the bond, to break the habit of, "me". Not sure how it will pan out this year, BUT I know that I dont need him to have a good time, rather he opposite, with him, there was no fun, The curse is broken.
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Rob = Promiscuous

While chatting to a faceless creature on the web the other night, I was asked to get together with him. I refused. Rob, as I know him, would have met up, as he done so for many years now, with many faceless strangers. Somehow over the phone, he is comfortable enough to meet other promiscuous, disgusting queers as himself. I don't understand that at all, I'm just not wired that way. This "chatter" told me how he had gone to a bath house and got screwed by 3 different guys. So apart from my not meeting "faceless strangers", I definitely don't meet up with promiscuous people. This chatter said, "how do u know I'm promiscuous"...I responded with, "you just told me, u went out, and got fucked by 3 guys in one night, that is promiscuous." - That ended that chat, thankfully.
Rob, is equally as promiscuous and to me, of all people, he denies it, flat out lies. Considering the history we had, that should be the last thing he should do, deny. Apart from the fact that he was in a relationship, yet meeting other guys when he left my place, still makes him promiscuous. He doesn't see that. I'm not sure which dictionary he uses, but considering he has an English degree, he certainly should know the meaning of, promiscuous or promiscuity. He doesn't, well not with himself. His father, as I mentioned, unfortunately messed around behind his mothers back...so this would lead me to believe that Rob IS wired that way. His brother, again as Ive mentioned before, IS wired that way as well with hookers and nasty slags in the picture, prior to settling down. I have my suspicions that even though married, he is cheating behind his wife's back, but that is only due to things Ive heard, around the "dinner" table and such.
Back on the chat show front, they always say, "once a cheat, always a cheat" and Rob is living proof of that. They don't change. Rob, to me, is the poster child of promiscuity. Ive had other "loose friends" in days gone by, but never to Rob's extreme. Again, I never deny, the odd one night stand here or there, while single, but never once I was with someone. Rob, in my opinion, will never find happiness as most homosexuals are promiscuous by nature, its in them when they enter this world and explore it more as adults. Promiscuous people are the lowest of low to me. I don't understand that lifestyle and never will. Sneaky promiscuous people, such as Rob, are even one level lower. Its funny how the "trait" of promiscuosness, can truly destroy friendships, solid friendships, its sad at the same time. Rob hopefully has learned not to be involved with people on a one to one level as he cannot handle it. Rob will be infested with disease at some point. As I mentioned the numerous "infections", "cold sores(herpes?)", while I was still in the picture. So a sad promiscuous existence is what he has to live for..is that worth it?

Is there a real answer?...Nope!

While at home the other day, watching daytime TV, I came across some chat show. They had a segment on why men cheat. I'm always interested in these, to see if someone can actually give a good answer. There isn't one at all, I just like to see what the individuals on these programs have to say. Their view on this matter. It was mainly focused on celebrity infidelities, but in the end, we are all the same, men and women who trust and believe that they are with their one and only, and think that our partners feel the same. Not so in these cases or mine. I remember finding it strange when Rob and I took our first holiday to the Caribbean island of St Maarten. I always look back at things Rob and I did together with a completely different meaning now. He had a book called "Spartacus", which detailed gay "places" around the globe. He wanted to go hunting for this queer bar on the island. I was sort of opposed to it, being a strange queer in a strange land, but off we went in the dark of the night. The club or bar no longer existed and we were brought to a water front boardwalk, which i was pleased about. At that point in our lives, Rob and I had started to hang out at home as opposed to going out for fun, so his hunt for a queer venue was strange. But I was around and there was nothing he could do...but I think this was probably the start of Rob trying to see what else is out there...what else he could attain, all the while with me in the picture.
Had our relationship, that early on, been a sour one, I could almost forgive the infidelities, IF he had let me go. Like I mentioned in past posts, I told Rob many times, that if he wanted to screw around, let me go. I gave the option. He didn't want to hurt me as he told me back then, so he tried to do it behind my back. Little did he know how I was one step behind him and usually one ahead of him at the same time. As far as I'm concerned Rob had no reason to be unfaithful to me, but his queer DNA dictated otherwise. For this sole reason, we should NOT have been together. As the weeks and months have passed, about 5 months now, as Ive mentioned numerous times, I didn't deserve what Rob did to me, and if anything, he didn't warrant having me as a boyfriend or a friend for that matter. The one thing I love about myself, is that when Ive found these "loves", I was truly committed. I didn't seek anything else other that spending all my time with them. Wanting to be with them, in every way. Thoughts of being unfaithful never came to me. Its not how I am, it isn't what I signed up for when I decided to commit to someone, whether it be Rob, Neil, Doug or the few others I dated. At this point in my life, I don't date or let anyone into my life, other than a fun night out. Rob ruined my trust factor. He destroyed thoughts of queer life as I couldn't possibly be like him, in any way. His personality, his real personality is of a selfish nature, a deceiving nature and who really needs or wants that? Talk about queer baggage...and to think years back, Rob would tell me to my face that I had too much baggage, that was what delayed our hooking up, my baggage, yet I was good for a a shag? I am so blatantly honest with the men Ive been with, friends or otherwise. Rob and me are night and day. I have a fairly clean record and that's something Rob can never say. I'm selfish today, like I told fellow queers, its all about me and no one else. Near the end of my time with Rob, is when I started taking that attitude, did I need to explain myself to someone so horrid in personality. What makes Robs personality as selfish as it is, is the fact that he is, and never has been, the real Rob, unless it was late at night, sneaking in a blow job behind my back, or a filthy shag with an equally disgusting queer as himself. Then coming back to me...I know I didn't deserve that, and that's one of my saving graces. Its almost embarrassing these days to detail what I put up with, the 16 years I knew Rob, are a total embarrassment, humiliating, oh his end. I think he was more pleased that we lasted as long as we did, as most queer relationships didn't. I was just a number, not a person. I am more intelligent than that, was I blinded,...yea. I, in a strange way would like to see Rob, to see what he would have to say, but my worry isn't what I would hear, but rather what I would do. I'm curious, in a strange way to know what kind of life he has today. Without even knowing, I know my life, is a million times better than his. I have honest friend who know the real me, family that knows all about me in every way. Rob lives his life as a lie and only I can confirm that, as the rest, he has pulled the wool over their eyes. I'm not that stupid...Rob thought otherwise...and as usual, he lost out on true friendship. The lyrics, "love is a lonely without you", I can now confirm, isnt really true. Im happy with myself. Life is not lonely for me, with or without love. I dont crave it, with another man at least. Its about time, that I live for me, and only me.
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Housewives of Regal Rd...

Its funny how you never realise how many people know you, know of you or or just notice you on a day to day basis. Over the last few weeks, Ive had more people come up to me in regards to my last relationship, with Rob,asking his whereabouts etc. More people have asked me in the last 3 weeks or so, than they did when I would walk the streets with glossy eyes, a puffy nose and bags under my eyes...Today for example on my way in, this fellow queer who lives on my floor, asked me almost in excitement, "wheres your partner?, I haven't seen him for a while." I told her we were through and I got the "sooo sorry" bit. I told her "it's his loss, lying, cheating, is not what I'm about - I'm over it", I finished our chat with, "its all about me now and nothing or no one else". She said, I had a great attitude and that I looked great. I loved that, I can get that even after a gross days work, like today. A few weeks back, while doing laundry, I bumped into a few of the "housewives" of Regal Rd. Chats were started in regards to laundry and then more personal subjects such as work, the news, Michael Jackson(at the time) and so on...
They eventually asked about Rob. I was waiting for it, as these are people I see on a more regular basis within the confines of Regal Rd. Again I told them we had split in every way. I heard one say, "he was a nice guy". The other one caught me rolling my eyes, which I thought was hilarious. Anyways, one of the ladies said, "no??". The older of the 2 there, said how she had broken up due to her suspicions that her partner was being unfaithful. I kinda smiled, and said, "same here". I think they were more interested, in a "housewives" way, you know...gossip. So I obliged, I love the gossip scene. I didn't go into the details the lay within these pages, it was more of a watered down version. But as always, its funny to see reactions, and hear what they have to say. Most people have said, "i didn't think he was like that at all...?"
Its interesting to me how people's opinions switch when they find out certain things. Their perception of Rob was wrong, or so Ive been told. Its never exploitative, if that's a word. Its just me telling history, there's nothing wrong with that. The "housewives" chat was a fun one, 3 "girls", storytelling. Interesting to hear about others, you can sort of judge your own life, next to theirs. I talk to much about my own life, my past, including suicide attempts when I was younger, crazy things Ive done etc, with not a bit of embarrassment or thought of what others may think of me. I guess I'm comfortable with my past at least. I'm not easily embarrassed but at the same time, its never really bothered me what others may think of me, its not a thought in my head. Love me, like me or leave me, that's up to the individual. If Rob knew what others, or certain people think of him now, I think he would crawl under a rock as Rob has never been able to take any negative criticism, or any in general. He tries to be picture perfect but fails miserably.
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Guilty Pleasures...

This post I have a feeling is going to go all over the place, so bare with me.
Firstly, it was brought to my attn a few months back that this blog was turning up in search results, when you keyed in Rob's full name. I made all the necessary changes, removing his surname from any posting etc. Out of interest this morning, to see if my blog turned up in search..it does ha ha. I made my changes but for whatever reason, google/blogger still turn up results to this blog. No more that I can do for that ha ha. Oh well, its still cool to know that if anyone "googles" him, the truth about him pops up.
Moving on...the other day clearing, and how appropriate is this, the "trash" folder on my email. I found an email from Rob...it was an email communication shortly after I sent my "letter of closure". We had a brief email exchange after that, for a few days, before I decided to end all communications. Anyways, the email from rob, mentioned how, in his opinion, that "i am doing everything and anything to hurt him" how he was at the time, "sooo confused" according to him. Now, months later, this I had to laugh at, for a few reasons. Firstly, "hell has no fury as a, Franco, scorned" or whatever that saying is...I will totally admit to trying to drive him crazy. No it wasn't to hurt him, it was to annoy him, the things I did. I wanted to and still hopes he goes mad. I think(though I don't act on them) of ways to drive him to insanity, I want him to regret knowing me, resent me, hate me, cuz I feel those ways about him! - He said it seemed I was doing everything and anything to hurt him.. Doesn't feel so good when the shoe is on the other foot now huh. People must think that I'm thinking of him constantly, which is far from the truth. I continue this blog as a "voice" of the type of people I wish didn't roam this earth, at least with me involved. Notice how I don't speak of other filthy queers, just my experience. This experience will probably be in the back of my mind for many moons. Though I'm done with him in every way, I want the world to know...anyone he comes in contact with who might chose to "google" him, what this personality is like. I often wonder how long I will continue this blog, and after mulling over that thought, the response to myself is, never. It is therapeutic to me to vent my frustrations about him. Its also enjoyable to blurt out deep secrets, secrets he thought were between him and I, experiences,as shitty as some where, that were between him and I. Since there is, and probably was no real trust on his end, I'm showing the lack of trust, now, on my end. Family secrets, sexual secrets, personality secrets and historical things between him and I are public knowledge now. For this reason, apart from many others, we cannot ever come into contact with one another, which works for me. The bump in the road is gone, so nothing to lose, nothing to gain either. Its more a guilty pleasure.
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Thanx :)

Days come and go so quickly these days.
Happier days go by. Life without Rob seems more and more fun. I'm enjoying work more and my friends, my real friends. My mind is more stimulated these days. Gone are the endless nights of sitting in front of the TV, Robs fave and only past time. With minimal TV in my life, there seems much more to do. Life was stalled when Rob was around, as life was just that, in front of the TV. TV overruled our social life, our sex life, our life in general. If it wasn't for travel, we had pretty much - no social life. My social life always took place outside the country, never in my own city. Going out with friends and experiencing living is such a new thing, such a fun thing. Thinking of all the wasted weekends, closed up in the apt, with a lazy sod like Rob, sucked years out of my life. I feel rejuvenated! There have been very few "wasteful" weekends since being on my own. Apart from Rob sex shows on the Internet, I believe his life is still in front of the TV. It may not be, he may be living it up with his new found "freedom", something he must have wanted years back, but he chose to cling onto me for years, as just a habit. I told Rob that it wasn't love that kept him with me, but more the fact that I was a habit. I was a place to come hang out, a place to have a drink, a place to smoke up...and a place, when he had dry spells, to use me for his repulsive queer desires. He can carry on with his new life and I, as always, wish him all the misery life has to offer. I think, and I am starting to live it up now. I'm no longer tied down byt false love, or false friendship for that matter. I was thinking the other day..I cant say I have a best friend now. I do have great friends, but a best friend no. Someone to be close with, like I was when I was with Rob, when I was a true friend, him all the while being a sheep in wolves clothing, I don't have and honestly, don't want. Rob on the other hand, cant possibly have, or deserve for that matter, true friends. Like Ive mentioned before, he was jealous of the "attention" I gained with friends, but that goes back to personalities. Mine was and still is more colorful. The only person who really knows Rob, is me..I know what kind of horrible human he is and no one else. No one experienced the bullshit that was my life, the last 5, 6 or more, years. As Ive mentioned, I'm glad he is removed from my life. Never wanting to see him, pushes me forward to move on. He said a long time back that I have moved on, due to my solo travels..at that time I was still stuck in routine, but travel is my sanity. I can now say that I have fully moved on, and thrilled that life is better than it was, compared to the last couple of years. Thanks Rob, for sucking the life out of me the last few years - and Thanks for taking off, like the coward you truly are, it all worked out to my benefit. If I had know that telling him that I wish Id never met him, and that I wished was dead, would have made him disappear as quickly as it did, I would have uttered those words years back - Had I only have known, the Real Rob..
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"...Will Never Be The Same..."

Well out the other night, at a lounge with a friend, whom I haven't seen in about 2 years, we recounted the last few years since we saw each other - I got the Rob question again and filled her in. She wasn't that surprised as I had told her years back, when we worked together, about my suspicions, and my confronting Rob about infidelities etc. She thought after our initial break up in 2007, that we had become the best of "friends". I obviously filled her in on the last 2 years. Her response to all that I told her about earlier this year and last few, was, that Rob was an "irresponsible human being". Potentially putting me in harms way with illness' and such. That's one of my biggest piss offs with the whole Rob situation as Ive mentioned in previous posts. The fact that I had trust, to some capacity, to carry on what little sex life we had, with unprotected sex, always thinking, and possibly hoping that he wasn't messing around..was naive and dumb on my part I know...The cliche line of, "you only hurt the ones you love" would be fitting in this situation. Rob's love for me, what little, true love he had for me, was just more harmful to me than anything else. Again, I'm glad others can see what type of personality he is. Ive said before that I was not the perfect partner, of course I had my faults, but mine never put Rob in jeopardy of anything, ever. I was trying to rebuild what we had. It was heading, to me, what seemed to be, the right direction, only to be fooled yet again, but this time, for the last time. Thinking back to my friends words, of thinking we had the best type of "post relationship", friendship, all sounds great in theory, but "friendship" is something Rob knows nothing of. Keeping friends has never been one of Robs strong points. The friends we we had, that I met through Rob, are out of the picture, years ago. Since then, the only true friends hes has, are our common friends, and even that Rob has spoiled. I believe allot of his embarrassment over the years has caused a wedge, but once again, this is or was his own doing. As I mentioned earlier, his one night stand, are people he calls "friends". People he gets off with he considers, "friends". I know I can call my friends, my true friends at 3am and if in need of anything, they would be there. For this reason alone, I dont feel alone on this earth. Rob on the other hand would be in a diffrent situation, and once again, his own doin. His false sense of both, friendship and reality are blurred, in my opinion. Again, though feelings have changed, the hatred towards him grows stronger. I, personally would much rather be alone in this world, rather than having anything to do with that man. Getting him out of my life was the most intelligent move Ive made in years. Im glad Im able to carry on without him. Not feel lonely, or guilty or sad, Rob on the other hand must feel all three of those, and once again...his own doing. When I wrote my letter of closure to Rob, I ended it with a lyric from one of my favouite bands, and favourite songs...Though the title of this song, I dont get, the lyrics,
"Life will never be the same as it was again" -
suits this situation to a T!
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40 Year Old...Loser

Near the end of our time together, Rob would say to me, "I'm a 40 year old man, sleeping in a single bed, in my parents house"...I never had any pity for him in that respect as that was and is his own doing. While with a friend last night, a common friend, she went to tell me how Rob has to move out etc. First of all, the fact that he hasn't just shows his lack of motivation, his procrastination, his lack of change in his life, as in EVERY aspect of his existence. I would say to Rob in days gone by, after seeing how he would "help" clean my apt, that I would never(had we continued to be friends), step foot in his home for fear of how filthy it really was. I'm sure it would look OK from the surface, but seeing his idea of "clean" when he would help me, would lead me to believe that his place would actually be filthy. Upon my return from London, earlier this year, I found my place unbelievably messy, except for clean bedsheets, but he was very busy while I was away, again, see previous posts. He always had 0 energy for pretty much everything and preferred to flop on the sofa, channel surfing, that was his idea of "existing". I had said to him, in days gone by, that his mother would be so disappointed in him, in the kitchen, cleaning house, apart from other things, see below posts, too many things would disappoint her, if she knew how her son really was, the real Rob. At the same time, being on his own, would lead his home, to be his own personal brothel. The countless "tricks" in and out. I mean if was easy enough to go meet trash in the middle of the night, it would be much easier to have said "tricks and trash", which he's always called his "friends", filtering through his front door. Yet another reason to never step foot in his hovel. He will never have a "normal" life, he couldn't since he isn't a "normal" person in many ways. He should just stick to his sad existence as is, and just will off whatever he makes with his life, to a charity as that could possibly be the only good he could do with his life. The fact that he still lives at home, should actually be an embarrassment. His older brother moved out I believe by 40 or 41, Rob will break that and still be at home. He's had more then enough time to buy a place, something else he shouldn't do, cuz losing it one day will be just as painful I'm sure, as he will, he is not responsible at all. He's also had enough time to save his money to rent a place, and yet he still lives with mummy and daddy. As is every aspect of his life, the word, pathetic, comes to mind. Some things will never change, making his life just as worthless as ever. In my opinion he is...The 40 Year Old Loser...
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Giving Thanks...2009

Well today marks Thanksgiving 2009 -
What to give thanks for? Good question, the usual, health, happiness, friends and family...Also that I rid my life of a "cancer" that was or probably would have killed me by sharing some disease, had he still been in my life. Bringing some awful STD as he used me for his sexual releases. Bitter huh - Love it!
This was a busy weekend and again, one I could not have gone through if Rob was still in my life, so I give thanks for that as well :)
Friday was a night of fine dining, a $650+ dinner bill...and a night of eastern European surroundings at a club down on Wellington. Saturday was a night of celebration, the 1st birthday of my niece and godchild, Vic and my niece, Liv's, 3rd bday. Sunday was a night of 80's retro with a guy I met a few weeks back. I love being out and getting attn, for whatever reason ha ha. I was so invisible with Rob or at least its how I felt. I go to clubs to enjoy the music, not look for a lay, I don't work that way...But that doesn't mean I don't have fun in other ways, should I get approached. The strange thing, and again, for whatever reason, I'm comfortable, well after a few vodkas;), to hang around people, talk to some complete stranger while on the dance floor, out for a fag or grabbing a drink. Maybe its the settings of the clubs, I cant say, but its a good feeling, a fun feeling. When I was with Rob, if i did anything that would draw any attn to him or us, he would get so irritated, which i never understood, but whatever. Now I don't have to watch what I say, do or wear...Its interesting the kind of freedom I feel. Even at home, cause I'm here most of the time alone, I'm enjoying my time. I'm slowly building my life, sans Rob, and its coming around just fine. There still no difference in feelings. I still feel, when I think about it, feel betrayed on many levels, but that's happened, its in the past. I don't feel any good affection towards him at all. To me he is a horrible person and unfortunately nothing could make me change my thoughts on him. Sad to think for lack of respect, after 15+ years, we couldn't be friends. Ive realised that I don't have to tolerate that anymore. I'm actually enjoying being a single man.
For that I give thanks.
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