Is there a real answer?...Nope!

While at home the other day, watching daytime TV, I came across some chat show. They had a segment on why men cheat. I'm always interested in these, to see if someone can actually give a good answer. There isn't one at all, I just like to see what the individuals on these programs have to say. Their view on this matter. It was mainly focused on celebrity infidelities, but in the end, we are all the same, men and women who trust and believe that they are with their one and only, and think that our partners feel the same. Not so in these cases or mine. I remember finding it strange when Rob and I took our first holiday to the Caribbean island of St Maarten. I always look back at things Rob and I did together with a completely different meaning now. He had a book called "Spartacus", which detailed gay "places" around the globe. He wanted to go hunting for this queer bar on the island. I was sort of opposed to it, being a strange queer in a strange land, but off we went in the dark of the night. The club or bar no longer existed and we were brought to a water front boardwalk, which i was pleased about. At that point in our lives, Rob and I had started to hang out at home as opposed to going out for fun, so his hunt for a queer venue was strange. But I was around and there was nothing he could do...but I think this was probably the start of Rob trying to see what else is out there...what else he could attain, all the while with me in the picture.
Had our relationship, that early on, been a sour one, I could almost forgive the infidelities, IF he had let me go. Like I mentioned in past posts, I told Rob many times, that if he wanted to screw around, let me go. I gave the option. He didn't want to hurt me as he told me back then, so he tried to do it behind my back. Little did he know how I was one step behind him and usually one ahead of him at the same time. As far as I'm concerned Rob had no reason to be unfaithful to me, but his queer DNA dictated otherwise. For this sole reason, we should NOT have been together. As the weeks and months have passed, about 5 months now, as Ive mentioned numerous times, I didn't deserve what Rob did to me, and if anything, he didn't warrant having me as a boyfriend or a friend for that matter. The one thing I love about myself, is that when Ive found these "loves", I was truly committed. I didn't seek anything else other that spending all my time with them. Wanting to be with them, in every way. Thoughts of being unfaithful never came to me. Its not how I am, it isn't what I signed up for when I decided to commit to someone, whether it be Rob, Neil, Doug or the few others I dated. At this point in my life, I don't date or let anyone into my life, other than a fun night out. Rob ruined my trust factor. He destroyed thoughts of queer life as I couldn't possibly be like him, in any way. His personality, his real personality is of a selfish nature, a deceiving nature and who really needs or wants that? Talk about queer baggage...and to think years back, Rob would tell me to my face that I had too much baggage, that was what delayed our hooking up, my baggage, yet I was good for a a shag? I am so blatantly honest with the men Ive been with, friends or otherwise. Rob and me are night and day. I have a fairly clean record and that's something Rob can never say. I'm selfish today, like I told fellow queers, its all about me and no one else. Near the end of my time with Rob, is when I started taking that attitude, did I need to explain myself to someone so horrid in personality. What makes Robs personality as selfish as it is, is the fact that he is, and never has been, the real Rob, unless it was late at night, sneaking in a blow job behind my back, or a filthy shag with an equally disgusting queer as himself. Then coming back to me...I know I didn't deserve that, and that's one of my saving graces. Its almost embarrassing these days to detail what I put up with, the 16 years I knew Rob, are a total embarrassment, humiliating, oh his end. I think he was more pleased that we lasted as long as we did, as most queer relationships didn't. I was just a number, not a person. I am more intelligent than that, was I blinded,...yea. I, in a strange way would like to see Rob, to see what he would have to say, but my worry isn't what I would hear, but rather what I would do. I'm curious, in a strange way to know what kind of life he has today. Without even knowing, I know my life, is a million times better than his. I have honest friend who know the real me, family that knows all about me in every way. Rob lives his life as a lie and only I can confirm that, as the rest, he has pulled the wool over their eyes. I'm not that stupid...Rob thought otherwise...and as usual, he lost out on true friendship. The lyrics, "love is a lonely without you", I can now confirm, isnt really true. Im happy with myself. Life is not lonely for me, with or without love. I dont crave it, with another man at least. Its about time, that I live for me, and only me.
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