Guilty Pleasures...

This post I have a feeling is going to go all over the place, so bare with me.
Firstly, it was brought to my attn a few months back that this blog was turning up in search results, when you keyed in Rob's full name. I made all the necessary changes, removing his surname from any posting etc. Out of interest this morning, to see if my blog turned up in search..it does ha ha. I made my changes but for whatever reason, google/blogger still turn up results to this blog. No more that I can do for that ha ha. Oh well, its still cool to know that if anyone "googles" him, the truth about him pops up.
Moving on...the other day clearing, and how appropriate is this, the "trash" folder on my email. I found an email from Rob...it was an email communication shortly after I sent my "letter of closure". We had a brief email exchange after that, for a few days, before I decided to end all communications. Anyways, the email from rob, mentioned how, in his opinion, that "i am doing everything and anything to hurt him" how he was at the time, "sooo confused" according to him. Now, months later, this I had to laugh at, for a few reasons. Firstly, "hell has no fury as a, Franco, scorned" or whatever that saying is...I will totally admit to trying to drive him crazy. No it wasn't to hurt him, it was to annoy him, the things I did. I wanted to and still hopes he goes mad. I think(though I don't act on them) of ways to drive him to insanity, I want him to regret knowing me, resent me, hate me, cuz I feel those ways about him! - He said it seemed I was doing everything and anything to hurt him.. Doesn't feel so good when the shoe is on the other foot now huh. People must think that I'm thinking of him constantly, which is far from the truth. I continue this blog as a "voice" of the type of people I wish didn't roam this earth, at least with me involved. Notice how I don't speak of other filthy queers, just my experience. This experience will probably be in the back of my mind for many moons. Though I'm done with him in every way, I want the world to know...anyone he comes in contact with who might chose to "google" him, what this personality is like. I often wonder how long I will continue this blog, and after mulling over that thought, the response to myself is, never. It is therapeutic to me to vent my frustrations about him. Its also enjoyable to blurt out deep secrets, secrets he thought were between him and I, experiences,as shitty as some where, that were between him and I. Since there is, and probably was no real trust on his end, I'm showing the lack of trust, now, on my end. Family secrets, sexual secrets, personality secrets and historical things between him and I are public knowledge now. For this reason, apart from many others, we cannot ever come into contact with one another, which works for me. The bump in the road is gone, so nothing to lose, nothing to gain either. Its more a guilty pleasure.
x