Rob Was Playing His Role of "Slut"...Typical

As time has gone by, years have passed and I notice how different I am to the typical queer, Rob himself being one of these. When I look to meet people, I am not bothered by things such as, hairy chest or not, what sexual role they play, what their body is like etc. I like to get know someone and find out all about them, when Im interested in a friendship of sorts. In reading other blogs and having lived with one of these "typical queers"(Rob), Im glad I am not at all like these people. Fantasy is just that, fantasy. When it come to brass knuckles, I like to get to know the person, and if there is any chemistry, that is where the attraction lies. Ive spoken to some guys who wont date other guys who arent well built or who are smooth etc. Those things do not find their way into my criteria. When Rob and I initially met as "friends", and we would go out, when he would point out someone, they usually werent that attractive. I recall this one guy, Brad, he was around just before I met Rob. Brad and Rob worked at the same place, Sunquest Vacations. Rob liked Brad and slept with him. Rob's best friend or fiend at the time was a guy named Dean. Dean, shortly after slept with Brad as well...That was what would end their friendship. Out one night weeks later, with Dean out of the picture, and me as Rob's clubbing buddy, he pointed out this Brad character. Sure it seemed through his clothing, that he was well put together, physically, but the face...the hair...cheesy! Rob lusted after him, ONLY for his bod cuz really, he was kinda hideous. I still remember the feathered hair...Not attractive at all...shows you that Rob to was just as shallow. Many times I would wonder why he(Rob) was with me. I didnt have a great body, thought I didnt have a bad body...I was typical that way, average, if you will. I wasnt trampy then nor am I now, so I have no clue, these days, if I look back why that trash was attracted to me? You can see by that last statement that Rob was a slut, sleeping with co workers and what not, it wasnt the first or last time. There are many beautiful guys where I work, and that is a line I would never cross. I did lust after one, one summer and that ended there. That man was beautiful in every sense of the word, unlike Rob's "he has a great body" attraction, that is and was the difference between Rob and I. I look at a nice face, nice smile, someone who takes care of themselves, who is well put together...Rob would utter words like "what a great body"...sure that is nice to look at, but has never been the driving force behind any conquest or lusting after, in my case at least. Rob would look the neck down...not me. If that was the case, I never would have gotten with Rob as the neck down, on Rob, is nothing to look at, any of it really, flat ass, sunken in chest, bow legged, and parts you just couldn't touch. I'm not a shallow fag like Rob, like most queers. Again in reading some blogs I follow, I cant relate to what these guys yak on about as they are shallow. One blog I read just this morning, was on sexual attributes of men, this one specific post on circumcised or uncircumcised men. This one man wrote, "My husband isn't, that's why I married him". Part of me thinks this is just a statement, for a laugh. Though it could also be 100% truth. Fags are retarded that way. They get together with certain guys, because, they have a big dick, smooth butt, well built chest and nothing more. That's always nice to look at yea, but that's not what relationship is to me, or even what hook ups are about. I personally don't do the "hook up" scene, though Rob did and still does. Getting together on such a shallow basis, is just sad. I'm not one to flaunt my body or body parts but have been told, I have a nice, this or that...that's all good and dandy, its not getting you into my pants and the "acquaintance" doesn't go any further than just that. I don't have time for fags like that. Rob is into meeting faceless strangers and that's something I haven't done in ages. I met Rob as a faceless stranger and Rob can attest to nothing sexual when we chatted on the phone, before we met. I do recall having phone sex with him one time, but we were a couple at the time, I should have wondered why he was all hot and bothered and not with his boyfriend...me? But I digress...I'm glad to see myself not having become that, at any point. Pretty much anyone Ive slept with, before and after Rob, has been because we(the other person and I) clicked in one way or another. Sure most ended up as one night stands, that happens. Theres always a glimmer of hope that this guy could be a real cool buddy, but am not bothered when I don't hear back or that I have no desire to keep in contact, its what happens when you are out there, as a single man. Rob, on the other hand, played this with or without a partner, that's the promiscuous side of Rob that he never admits too. Rob was and is beyond shallow. I recall reading the emails he sent to "Christos" from my home PC and behind my back. Rob describing himself as, younger looking and passionate...really? Cuz he sure wasn't with me at that time. He was just playing his role of, slut, that was and is Rob, typical!
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"Lifeless...that was Rob & it ended"...

Well a little delayed, this entry that is. I said how the other day I would be recounting, tales of our travels. Rob and I that is. We took our first actual holiday together back in 94 or so. We went off to St. Maarten in the Caribbean. It was my first holiday since I was 20 or so. It was nice to go away with someone I was in love with, sorta like a "honeymoon" of sorts. I don't recall any arguments there though it was years back. I do remember Rob wanting to scout out a local queer bar that he had read about in "Spartacus" a queers guide around the world. Off we went into the dark on this unfamiliar land, only to end up at a waterfront strip of restaurants and cafes. I was a bit irritated as we weren't going out as much back home, yet he wanted to go to a queer place in unknown territory, I wasn't comfortable with it and glad we didn't find it. Our next holiday would be in Cuba. Cuba was gorgeous, the water, the resorts and the people. I do recall taking off on Rob on this holiday, something I would do more often as he would irritate me. If ever I did anything to draw attn or if i looked "off", Rob would shy away. I remember just waltzing away from him. I wanted to go to the night club on the resort and that was like pulling teeth. Why did we have to go to our room so early considering we were on holiday?? He came with me twice, begrudgingly and honestly I didnt have a good time. Other sun destinations would include Ixtapa, and I think that was the first holiday were we didnt really argue, I dont now why, or how that happened, but was grateful for a stress free holiday. We did Cancun which would be one of the last sun destinations as i got the bug to do Europe. One thing I love, in my fantasy world at least would be vacation sex. It always sounded erotic and something to look forward to but Rob was the lamest that way, on pretty much every holiday. Being away from the world as we know it, should have brought on passion filled nights, not with Rob. I remember having gone on a cruise about 5 or so years back, not one night of sex? On the high seas is always stimulating but Rob had a hard time getting it up at the best of times. I remember going to London, England, first time in 2000. There was so much to see and do. I was like a kid in a candy store, I couldnt believe I was in London, finally! I had a few destinations I wanted to hit. One being "Ministry of Sound" nightclub. It at the time had the best sound system in the world. Never did we go. The second time we went which was the following year, I remember going to bed so angry that Rob just wanted to come back to the room or scope out for some pot! I was kind of glad we got ripped off a we did, in regards to pot. We were sold crap! If the nights we spent in were romance filled, I could have tolerated it, obviously. Rob instead chose to watch the BBC or ITV. The one thing I never praised about the UK was their TV line up. London, to me was about celebrity, royalty and night life. Thanks to my persistence I managed a few of those. Late night out never happened with Rob and I. In 2002 I went to London to see a musical, if it wasnt for my gal pal there, Rhiannon, there would have been no fun nights. She managed to get me pot and thankfully, dragged our asses to Heaven, London's most famous gay club. It was indeed, heavenly, to me. I was in all my glory. If I wasnt going to be in my room shagging with my lover, I wanted to be living it up, London stylee. Thee was no sex to be had. On our second trip to the UK, realizing that Rob wasnt going to loosen up, I stormed off from him. Once while at Buckingham Palace, after seeing The Royal Family on the Palace balcony and another time, while sitting in a pub just off Oxford St. I had had enough of lame nights! I didnt pay to go away and sit in my room. One time, I just kept drinking at a pub as it filled up with people. I knew it was making Rob uncomfortable and didnt care. I was on holiday,I wanted to be out. At one point I remember yelling at him in our room, "This fucking holiday may as well be over - I wanna go home!" - I was done. I should have realized then, as well, this wasnt right. He wasnt the right guy for me. He was boring, conservative and lame, in every aspect of the word. Even our cottage getaways were lame. The one thing I love is the great outdoors in northern Ontario. The thought of being away from the world in fresh clean northern spaces was highly erotic, in thought. The first time we did a holiday up north, I tried to get physical outdoors. He was so lame. I remember video taping some of it. You can see the boredom in his eyes as he went down on me. Video evidence of a lame lay! Sex in the great outdoors was something I looked forward to, but it never happened. I think our first cottage holiday was the one where we had the most rampant of sex, indoors though. That holiday was never to be repeated. I think Ive mentioned how on our 10th anniversary, up north, 3 days had passed and nothing! Not a sign of any sexual energy or chemistry for that matter. I recall going to my room out of frustration, only to wake up the next day and blast Rob. Telling him how i dont want him to touch me. I didnt want no pity fuck - he wasnt that good at the best of times, so why waste my pent up sexual energy? I would sunbathe practically in the nude to stir up something, but it fell on deaf ears. I would get to the point where I would give up and do my own thing. The last holiday up north as a couple, at The Silver Birches was by far the worst. Our friends were coming up for the last few days and taking over the following week. Nothing sexual happened until the day of our friends arrival. I couldnt believe 5 days had passed out in the wilderness and nothing happened? I was in shock and awe, as the saying goes. I was livid and gave into a lame mutual masturbation session only to walk out and tell him, "I could have done that myself" - I was done at that point. Friends noticed how much I drank, even I was concerned but didnt care. There was no use being up there together as a couple. There was no reason to go anywhere ever again with him. Though I did, it was only cuz he was the only travel buddy I knew and that was it! There was never again, any thoughts of a wild time while on holiday. I no longer expected it nor did I want it. I was too nice of a human being, otherwise I should have been an ass and messed around in front of his face, but thats not my style. We did Africa together and shagged once we arrived on the island of Zanzibar, there too Rob just was selfish and took care of it when he needed to. Words he spoke were again, and as always just words. The Mayan Riviera, earlier that year as well proved the "when Rob wanted to" scenario. It happened twice while I the Mayan, it was intense only due to lack of sexual activity and still being a couple. Drunken sex is all I wanted, was more wild and I could forget who I was with and just get on with the task at hand. It wasnt until we went to the Dominican Republic in the late 90's that we went all the way. This was erotic but also a mistake as we took no precautions and all the while, him slagging around behind my back. Sexual activity, when it happened was always like that, unprotected. I did the only responsible thing at the time, I got myself tested on a regular basis. There must have been a God as I never got anything, but was adamant about getting tested. Sex waned in our relationship shortly after our first actual break up in the late 90s. When we got back together, it was ok for a period of time, before it went back to nothing, pretty much. Pretty much every holiday we took had some form of drama, primarily based around sex and not wanting to go out in the late hours of the evening, with the exception of the hotel balcony, if we had one. Rob was lame with sex for the last 10 years or so, at home and on holiday. Vacations were times to get away from the "real world" and have a week or 2 of fantasy and fun, this rarely happened with Rob, whether at home or out and abroad! Rob always managed to be a downer in one form or another on holiday. Lifeless is not for me, in any manner, that was Rob, and that ended!
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Trust...A Life Lesson Indeed...

Well sifting through the morning on line newspapers, I came across yet another "Tiger Woods" scenario. A popular boy band member in the UK has cheated on his wife and was caught out. My favorite thing to read about is these people, both men and women but primarily men, who think they can cheat and get away with it. This latest story about the UK pop sensation, reads,
"Yvonne WAS considering taking him back for the kids' sake, but could make him wait until CHRISTMAS. A pal added: "It will take up to six months but they'll get there." & "She will not tolerate any more nonsense now and he will have to earn her trust all over again."
Having been the one cheated on numerous times, I can safely say, and Ive said over and over again, and am a firm believer of the old adage, "once a cheat, always a cheat". There is no change to be made. Doing it for the children isn't something I buy. Rob, for example, early on cheated on me, met guys behind my back, all that while, me thinking he had gone home to sleep. I was wrong BUT, it also wasn't the only time. After a while, it happened again. As Ive said before I don't even think to this day, I have all the details nor do I personally care at this point. The fact is, he did it, over and over and over. Deny what he will, I know, and he knows I know, that is enough for me. Taking someone back after they have cheated is the second mistake someone can make, the first being, trusting them. I, never, during the rest of my days on this earth, can or would trust Rob with anything ever again. The two words, trust and Rob, are not to be put in the same sentence. It doesn't work or sit well. Ive said that I am a firm believer in honesty and Rob wasn't honest with me. In fact he was dishonest in the worst possible way. Putting myself and others at risk of STD's is the worst position to be put in, especially as it was beyond my control. Funny how Rob is such a big supporter of HIV/AIDS related charities and what not, and it ends up that he is a promiscuous queer who spreads disease, kind of a hypocrite really. He should be embarrassed at the fact that he has been caught out as a cheat and liar. I gave Rob many chances and that was my mistake, once should have been enough and even that, is one too many. Once is, always is. I'm not sure if I would say I was blinded by love, I was in love with him, even when I knew he was no good for me, not a good person. Love slowly dissipated until last year this time when it completely died. I don't think, I know in fact that Rob couldn't have loved me as he said he did or told others. Without any feelings, words are just that, words. Actions certainly speak louder than words, you just have to pay closer attn when it comes to certain people or situations. In ending this post, I think its safe for me to say that Rob can never be trusted as a human being ever again. Anyone who knows the truth about his past, not just with me, but his past, would find it difficult to trust him. He is not to be trusted with anything of any importance in life. People like Rob are those I steer clear from. Ive met my share of people since kicking Rob to the curb and am pretty good, now after my experience with Rob, at sussing out liars or dishonest people. I expect honesty at the least in friendships, if not more. Never one to toot my own horn, Rob lost something good with me. Yea it sounds egotistical but its true. I was an honest, trustworthy and caring partner, unfortunately that wasn't what I got in return. A life lesson indeed.
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The Me I Wasnt With Rob...

Patio season has arrived!! The May 24 weekend is upon us and as I had hoped a good time was had. Last night I met up with a friend of mine, down in the village. We went to a patio, which has become "our" thing. My friend has grown on me in a special way. There is no romance between us, which is unheard of in the queer world, its called true friendship. When I met Rob, all his male "friends" were guys he slept with or blew, thats not friendship. Rob had a twisted sense of reality which is pathetic. Nights like last night are my reason for living. Though I dont do it as often as I would like, when I do, I have a blast. Ive never gone out with my friend and not had a good time. Nights like last night, with Rob in the picture would NEVER have happened. My friend and I went for a few drinks and a bite to eat at O'Gradys. There my friend and I had great food, conversation and laugh. The healthiest thing in my life is laughter. The one thing I crave is laughter and a good time. Chatting to my friend about relationships, he said he misses it. He recently broke up with a boyfriend as things, pretty much from the get go, werent good. Yet he misses that. He said he misses waking up next to someone. I to a point feel the same BUT have no desire to get involved with anyone. I thought I would go from relationship to relationship, and that is not the case. Im not opposed to meeting anyone but the thought of being with one person right now is so not there. I think the one thing I learned from Rob, from breaking up with Rob, was that I had to learn to like myself again and today I do. I love myself in fact. Not in an egotistical manner, the one thing I need to work on is my confidence. Though it seems I may exude confidence, its the furthest thing from the truth, I dont. Its nice to be complimented on things I have low self esteem on. I dont take well to compliments at all. I am my own worst enemy as Ive said in the past and this I know. The thought of having someone special in my life is a nice one, but for now and I think for a long time, I want to be with me. People like my friend who I went out with last night, make me realize that, that what I want, is friends, not a lover. I can get sex when I want. Its a good thing, but not the most important thing in my life. Good honest people are. Rob, was neither good for me, nor was he honest. Its the one thing I ever asked from him and he could not give me that and I got tired after 15 years of it. Life today, like Ive said, is grand! How I live my life is how I should have been living for the last 15 years, not stuck in some lame relationship that was a sham from pretty much the get go. For that reason and that reason alone, I despise Rob. I lost out on alot of time because of him. I cant dwell on that, Im making the changes. I am going out more and meeting people and having fun. I think that I remember too much from my relationship, which turns me completely off getting to know someone in that special way. The guy I went out with last night has shown me a great time, each and every time we have gotten together. My friend gets silly with the wait staff when we go out, gets silly in general and lets his hair down with me. Something I appreciate. He said to me last night, as he quoted some Lady Ga Ga lyrics, "You like Lady Ga Ga" - and I love Ga Ga and came back with a "Yes"!!. He said he thought I would as I like "different" characters, being one myself he said. In a good way I was told. I like being different, though I dont understand my being "different" with the exception of my eyebrows, but regardless, I like "different". Im more free to be the real me, the "different" me, the me I wasnt when I was with Rob.
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A Waste Of Time..Stay Tuned...

The first long weekend of "spring/summer" is upon us. Ive spent the day packing and shuffling through stuff. Tonight I am treating myself to a night out with friends. A night to not think of what has happened, what will happen over the course of the next 2 weeks as I prep to move. Excitement is settling in, Rob free!!! In every single way. The thought of a "new life", a "new start" has me all gitty. Yes I'm not looking forward to my moving day, but once that weekend has come and gone and my routine changes, it will all be worth it. As Ive said, Rob is still, to me, attached to this apt, like a scary ghost, just lingers. The exorcist, of sorts, I am performing comes in the way of moving, not the spirit being frightened or killed off. I have killed the memories of days gone by with Rob, as I'm sure, at least would hope Rob has as well. Could he possibly have anything good to say about his last 15 years? He lies so his history maybe different than mine. The real version and the fictitious version dont compare, you cant. There are very few things I miss, things like cottage rentals up north, and car rides, apart from that Ive managed to do the rest on my own, or with new people. I dont miss traveling with Rob, as he was always such a a stiff in foreign lands. Even in Africa, like the night at the Ngorongoro Crater...That night was hilarious as Hugh, Bev, Catherine and I chatted, laughed and drank til the wee hours of the morning, all alone in the Tanazanian outback. Memories like that are what I keep close to my heart and smile about. The days we spent alone for example on the island of Zanzibar, although beautiful, was a time of Rob using me for his sexual pleasures, and only his. Sure being stuck out in the bush of Eastern Africa, there was nothing remotely sexual until a hot shower was found in the hut on Zanzibar island. My words of romance fell on deaf ears after our initial tryst as well as, upon our return, and this is when I realized Rob was playing the game of being in control, in a physical manner. Its when he wanted, that ended upon our return. The odd sexual tryst ensued when hormones raged, but again, on Robs schedule, not ours or mine. Today, when Im with a man, it is a mutual feeling. Not one sided like Rob lived and treated me. Funny how he was the trash in this friendship, yet I was the one he treated like trash, what a turn around. Thank god I opened my eyes. As Ive mentioned before, the holidays we took now are just my holidays, they were things I did alone. Swimming with dolphins...Rob is erased, photo evidence has been destroyed. Snorkeling through "Xel-ha" rivers is erased as a friendship or couple. There to in The Mayan riviera we frolicked in bed, a night of drunken lust - another mistake ruled by hormones and even in that state of mind, Rob was lame. I think Ill have to do an entry in respects to our vacations, to show or express rather, how lame Rob is even in foreign lands or up north. A few times we did hotel stays for shits and giggles and they were wasted. I can go on forever and I have things to do. But my next entry will be about how much of a waste of time and cash Rob was, on holidays. I am prepping for my move and when part II of my new chapter begins, things will be brighter and have no history...Starting all over again!
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Happy & Alone, The Way I Want It...

While sifting through old email files, I found a copy of the letter I send Rob - So it turns out, I sent my "letter of closure" on July 15th 2009, having last spoken to Rob July 18th 2009. It was a year ago this time, give or take a day, that the below entries took place. In re reading that letter that I found after a long time, I am a bit miffed, I should have been more blatantly honest, that I wasn't, but I would mention, "doing things behind my back" - I should have just wrote, "cheated and lied to me". I did say that was the reason we are no longer in each others lives, lying, not even the cheating. I get angry sorta, when re reading that letter. I was too nice. I blame myself for some things, in fact I did nothing and there was no need for me to write those words. That is the past I guess. Almost a year on, I know I am such a better person for taking the action I did, this time, last year. I realized I am a good person and the good times Ive had since we split, with the exception of the first couple of weeks after, have been good. I'm not to sure if I learned anything from my experience with Rob. As I said in his letter, that I should be less trusting and that I am. I remember thinking, there was no way I would ever be with anyone else, in any fashion. Well In November of last year, on a night out I met this guy. He treated me well, liked me, liked Franco. Something I hadn't felt in a long time, even with Rob around. With Rob I felt like a good friend, all the while, Rob being the worst friend anyone could ever ask for. Everything you don't want in a friend, is what Rob is. This guy I met November past, showed me what I was and am worth. Sharing my first passionate night with someone like that was such a release of enjoyment, in every way. Being wined and dined as I was, led me to understand, I am worth a nice time, a good time a wild romantic time. Though nothing came from that night, except friendship, it was an eye opener of an evening. Having woken up in the arms of a real man, in every sense of the word, was a hurdle I was afraid to jump over. That was one of the final steps in getting over Rob, being with another man. Being able to kiss and touch another man passionately like that, seemed new to me, almost virginal, all over again. It was nice to finally, after all the years of sticking with Rob and no romance, to feel wanted and attractive. Good for me in realizing I am "wanted" by others, others find me attractive. I felt like shit with Rob. I felt pathetic and useless. That cloud is gone and has been for a while. I am intelligent, witty and fun, this I know. Never am I one to say that I am attractive or sexy, but I am to some people, this I realized once Rob was gone. Rob never made me feel that way. My new life is how it should have been for years before I woke up and realized what I ride I was taken on. Ive said many times after I kicked Rob out, that time was my worst enemy, it was then. Today, there isn't enough time.Like I said in an earlier post, Rob is still living as a sad fag with mum. I on the other had have met new people, found a new place to live and am 2 weeks shy of deleting Regal Rd from my life. The memories here linger like a ghost and I'm done with it. It will be nice to live in a Rob free environment. I've sold off most of the things he left behind and bought for me as I have no need. Sure I kept the odd thing here and there. One thing I will continue to keep is the odd Xmas or Bday card he gave admitting to the rough times he put me through as a reminder of what he did to me and not the other way around. These will stay hidden in the closet and who knows, maybe Ill send these to him?? Nah thats too childish. Rob has never admitted what he has done, not even to himself. He is a sad rag and hope his life is full of misery and tragedy as I carry on up the ladder of life, happy and alone, the way I want it.
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Ashes to Ashes....

So 15 years after I met Rob, and knew somethings had gone on behind my back, I got verbal confirmation, straight from the horses mouth. That day itself was ruined, although I went out that day, Rob's confession was on my mind all day and night, it was probably one of the worst days I ever went through. The hurt I felt was unbearable and unbelievable. I didn't think I could feel that shitty, but for that I have Rob to thank. It was shortly after that, sitting back and thinking, that people like Rob are not meant to share my life. Now, almost a year later those feelings remain the same. I have moved on as Ive mentioned in previous posts. I have to say, allot of people say to me, chalk it up to experience. That I have - not a good one, none the less an experience. People sometimes are amazed that I still feel the hatred, and I do, towards Rob - what else could I possibly feel for him? Love died instantly when I heard Rob say, "yes" to my question of infidelity. Although I had a strong suspicion and minimal proof of his straying way, to hear "yes" from him, was the blow to the head I didn't need or expect to go through. As the first few years passes, I was thrilled at being able to have one guy, all for me, the way I envisioned it. It was all falling into place. Gone was my depression and feelings of loneliness. I found my guy, only to eventually figure out that I probably couldn't have made a worse decision in respects to my "love life". A year later, today, I am a happy person and have been for the last 8 or so months. Things got easier. Life without Rob is much more pleasant. More relaxed, I hardly think of him BUT...I still despise every ounce of one Robert. My freedom is a beautiful thing. The honesty in my life today is what I have been wanting all this time. I still hear the odd thing about Rob here and there. The other day,while with a common friend, I said, "I know Rob is your friend, but you will never hear me say anything good or positive about him, I know hes your friend, but this is how its become" - I don't want my friends to get angry with me for always slagging of his name, hence my not speaking of him. It does happen as it was 15 years of my life. I resent Rob for so many things. I will never forgive and definitely not forget anything that has happened, had happened. This blog is the only time I think of Rob. Things Rob did. I compare today's living with life with Rob. The difference. The change and the mistakes. Life is better now, much, and I think Rob to a certain point is to thank. He helped me realize that he is the scum that he is, that I am worth so much more. Rob isn't worth the piss I let out every morning. A year on and I still wish him every ounce of tragedy that life can bring his way. I hate but I don't dwell, with the exception of this blog. I don't go on about Rob to friends, that time is wasted to me, he is not worthy of my time in any way, shape or form. Selling off his things was almost therapeutic. I remember telling him to come get his passport otherwise it would go down the chute of Regal Rd. He didn't listen. I told him I trashed it, when in fact I hadn't. It sat on my desk for weeks. He asked me in an email, before our final words, "where is my passport" - I told him it was gone. I got back, "That's a govt document, what do I do now?!" - My response, "Go apply for another??", this is how stupid Rob was, is and always will be. Eventually as hatred for him sat at an all time high, I put his passport in the ashtray next to me and I lit it up with my lighter. Watching it slowly burn to ash, the flames reaching his picture and watching it melt and become ash was as well, therapeutic. Suddenly I saw him as an ugly, ugly person in every way. Thinking I kissed those lips that he wrapped around some pathetic slags cock repulsed me. Touching him after I knew he had pulled a funny one on me, behind my back was repulsive to me. He became and still is to this day, the ugliest of people ever to enter my life. There is no redeeming quality about Robert Sanita at all. Ive posted my story in a website, "Liars, Cheats & Bastards" - The world should know of what pathetic faggot creatures roam this land. I love that in Google search, should you look up his name, your first result is his Facebook page, the his Linkd page and the rest are of this blog and the Lying, Cheating site. Its thrilling but he is gone, gone for good. Ashes to Ashes.

Something In Me Died...

The Monday morning following our text battle, I waited for Rob to show up for work. I heard nothing...I waited, and heard nothing. I found my way to work on my own, for the first time for that matter, in a long long time. I went to check in the parking lot, no car. I wasn't sure if he didn't go to work or was ignoring me. I found out, he was ignoring me. My emails fell on deaf ears, no response. I practically harassed him, but wanted to know where he was. I knew the why, as his ignoring me, but as always, Rob runs, and faces nothing. To say I was distraught was an understatement. In a matter of 72hours my life flipped a complete 360. I was now alone, not knowing what was going on with Rob, I knew it wasn't good, but could not end as it did, after all the years, all the years of mental and emotional abuse he caused. I tried for a few weeks to speak to him, to talk, not to straighten this out, but to talk. Being in a messed up frame of mind, I will admit to pulling a few "pranks" on Rob. I wanted him to get riled up. I wanted him to feel messed up and I'm sure he did. He would tell me in email, the few that we exchanged, that he was afraid of me. His fear came from mu finding things out he thought he could hide, forever. He can say what he wants, but I know where his fear stemmed from. He was afraid of ramifications of crossing me for the last time, hence his going into "hiding". If you cross me, the way Rob did, I play dirty and have no worries of the consequences of my actions. In ending it all, I had asked Rob to return my belongings. This too fell on deaf ears. I had given Rob 2 chances to return my things, and nothing. I ended up calling the police and explained, shortly after my call to the police, I was back in possession of my belongings. One morning I got an email form a friend in common who asked to pass on this message from Robs mom, "Thank you for doing what you are doing to my son." - I didn't feel anything towards that statement coming from momma Sanita. She obviously didn't know what her son was doing all the years, behind my back, the risk he put me at. She should go back to the days where her husband cheated on her or abused her. Maybe then, she would realised what bullshit her son was living. Those in glass houses should not throw stones as they say. I sent a message back and said "You can thank your son for doing what he has done to me" - The only thing I did to Rob when all this started was, find him out - that was it. I wasn't the one who lied, who put anyone at risk, her son did that and I'm sure she has no clue what her son is really like. To spite me, Rob eventually called the police on me, for harassing him. Primarily due to this blog and a posting on craigslist, to which I told the police that this was and is my journal, that I will NOT be taking this down and if they wanted to, I would give my address for them to come get me, I was not worried at all. I explained to the officer who called me, that Rob is a pathological liar and to not believe his words. I was asked not to contact or communicate with Rob ever again, that was easy and done. I was asked to remove the photo I had of Rob on this site, and told the police, I too have my photo up and again, it is a journal. The conversation ended with my agreeing to not communicate with Rob again. The picture did come down, not cuz of the police phone call, but due to a friends begging me a few weeks later. I was not and am not worried of any authority in regards to this blog. Weeks had passed without a word, I had nothing new to say to Rob, but I did want closure. It was done for me, there was nothing with Rob. I realized what a coward of a man he really is. A pathetic excuse for human life is what he is. Time, during this drama, was my enemy. Thinking, crying, trying to piece my life together, trying to figure out the how, what, where and so on. After about 5 weeks I had to put my feelings out there, to Rob. I wrote a four page letter which I couriered to him. Writing that letter was the hardest thing I had ever done. It was no different that death, other than the fact that he still roamed the same streets as me. I couriered the letter, and then went to work. I was a mess. I broke down with friends at lunch, explaining what I wrote, how I felt. The letter was sent on a Thursday, I awaited for one final conversation, to discuss that. I herd nothing, no phone call, no email, nothing. I got the balls to call Rob, in late June early July. Momma answered and passed the call to Rob...he told me that the letter was very adult and he appreciated the way it was written etc. I broke down a few times, as did he. Questioning him in regards to infidelities was tougher for him than me. When asked questions about that, he gave vague answers, till I manned up and asked, "Did you sleep with anyone?" - he said no, I rephrased the question, "Did you ever suck someones cock and then come back to me" after long hesitation I got the response, "yes" - Right then and there something in me died.
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We Spoke...For The Last Time!

Sitting back in my apt, alone after finding out what I did about Rob, his straying ways, his constant lies and god knows what else, I felt lost. Had the life I had been living been a sham? Was I one of those Jerry Springer guests who had no clue what was going on, was I in a denial? I knew it from years gone by what Rob was capable of. Years ago, many years back when I thought something was going down, I called Robs voicemail. I found an email from "Mario", someone Rob met up after leaving my place early on in our relationship. I found emails sent from my email to a guy names "Christo" years later, nothing had changed. Those memories came flooding back to me. How could I be such an idiot? Was I? I realized how, when I looked back at out history, the one thing that was consistent was Rob's cheating and lying to me, covering up. Covering up with gifts and "treats". Lord knows I should have know by his lack of sexual interest, for years. He must have been getting off with others as our sex life was horrid. I would tell everyone what a lousy lover he was. Ive had better "sex" with myself, all the while sharing my bed with Rob. I had a get together with my brother that same weekend. Sure I was traumatised but carried on. Off we went to buy some food and drinks for the company ahead. Rob insisted on buying/paying everything. He asked me, "Does your brother know what happened?". I didn't know at all if he knew and didn't care. For fear of embarrassment, Rob bowed out of that get together. Humiliation made him stay home, and more than likely carry on with his disgusting addiction to sluttiness. The Saturday after I found that invoice from Virgin Mobile I decided to start treating him differently. He was just a car ride for me, an idiot that paid half of my rent(for years). So I called him up and offered him $20 to drive me to my mothers. I began treating him like the whore he was. Out of guilt, Rob offered me the ride, sans cash. While in the car, he made some comment about hating him..I posed a question to which he lied to me, flat out lied. He, at this point knew that I probably knew more than he initially thought. It was that lie, face to face, in the car en route to moms that prompted me to end it all. I told him, once you drop me off, go back to my apt and clear it of your things and leave the key behind. I think maybe had he been honest with me, those words would never had been blurted out of my mouth, but he lied! I arrived at my mothers and broke down. I was truly heart broken and felt the fool. Rob may not have been happy on his way home, but must have seen this coming. Did he think it would go back to how it was every time I caught him in a lie? or found out of his straying ways? Not a chance, this was it. I spent the day being distracted at my mothers. I came home to find allot of Robs things gone, but not all. This prompted me to send a text saying, "You left allot behind" he text back, "Really" - The next day I asked him to come get his things, that if by Monday(the next day) he did not remove his belongings from my apt, I would be throwing them away. We had a bit of a text battle the next day. In the end I told him, and meant with every ounce of my being, that I hated him, that I wish I had never met him and wished he was dead, and I meant each and every single word. I would never want to relive that, but every word I text was full of emotion and anger. I never felt such hatred. Ive never pulled half the crap Rob pulled on me, it isn't in me to do that. Needless to say, Rob was never to be seen again. The odd conversation here and there until late June, early July. When Rob chose to ignore my threat of removing this from my apt, I tossed allot out and sold allot for cash. There was never any discussion of "us" until our last chat which was had by phone. 6 weeks had passed, I had sent Rob the letter of closure during the 5th week after. We spoke that following Saturday, for the last time.
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The Fantasy Of "Us" Was Dead!!

Although not quite a year since I rec'd Rob's Virgin Mobile final statement, it still feels like yesterday. Those conversations and memories are burned in my memory. The days following the discovery of Robs actions while I was away was a time to figure out what was going on. How would this cookie crumble. Although my feelings for Rob were changing, they quickly went in the opposite direction and fast. After finding out that Rob's old habits never died and that this pattern would continue. I sat and thought about what to do. The drive home on that Friday last year after getting his statement, was uncomfortable and miserable. I realized Rob is no good for me and hadn't been for a long time. I felt used. His words of "Life cant go on without you in my life" were all just that, words. There was no real genuine feelings behind it. Rob can deny this, but his actions spoke louder than any words he could speak. I would tell him he was a slut, as he was, he would almost whimper, "no I'm not". Yes you were, are and always will be. The whimper should have been a sign. Guilt is what Rob was worst at. Hiding it, denying it. He asked me if I wanted to be alone. I thought, since Rob paid half the rent, he was entitled to stay here. I was sort of caught between a rock and hard place in that sense. I didn't want him around. Thoughts of, all the things I didn't know rattled my brain. I was so suspicious at this point. I could not wait for him to leave. Rob all the while, as I'm sure, just went back to doing what he did best, whore around. At this point Rob would throw in my face, "I didn't know we were together, this is news to me". He failed to realize the life we had been living the last 2 years. We were single when it was convenient to him. At this point I started to really get into chatting on line. With no intention to meet anyone, I felt held back by Rob, him all the while, having no hesitation meeting and getting off with strangers. The last 2 years together, we holidayed together, slept together, had sex, lived like a couple UNTIL I caught him for the final time. I knew this was over in every sense of the word. There were chats of us living in the same bldg and being in each others lives. This was over. The fantasy of us was dead.
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Bring On Change & Forget The Past....

Well as it gets closer to my move, I get butterflies and freak outs and then b outs of, "its gonna be fine"...Chatting to my first boyfriend this morning, he asked if i had moved, no is the obvious answer. He cant wait until I am a "downtown boy" again. He said "it will be fun for us, if no one else"...Thats re assuring, we are the same people and we still get on. I told him how the new place has a pool etc..he said we would go swimming etc...I told him how Im self conscious about my body and he came back with, "we are old friends"...true. Thats what I love about him. We are old friends. Almost 20 years later, with a massive break in between and we are still good friends. We only found each other about a year back or so. We did see each other about 10 years back and it was so nice. I think deep down inside my love and affection for Neil has never gone away. Its that first love syndrome. Although I was heartbroken when our summer romance ended, Neil, never, as friends or lovers, hurt me. Rob, from early on hurt me and lied to me. There is no love lost there. Someone asked if we have spoken or seen each other, I said, never in a million years will I want to. The things he pulled on me, the way he hurt me is like nothing before. I dont want to be associated with anyone like him, people who lie and deceive and think they will come out smelling like roses. They are not for me, in anyway! Neil is a breath of fresh air. Whenever Ive thought of him over the years, its has never been with any negativity. He has a smile that I love. His sense of humor is twisted like mine. I told him today that I cant wait until he is in my life again. I really cant. Ive missed him over the years and always had feelings for him, deep down, I know it, I dont deny it. But I know we are best as friends I know I could rely on him. It will be so nice to have real people in my life again. More real people. Neil has made my day today. Having someone like him around is so pleasant and refreshing. Neil is more my kind of person, in many ways. Im trying to get those kinds of people back in my life. We were reminiscing of days gone by and its kinda flattering when others remember certain details. Like how we met, where we met etc. Rob would remember things we DIDNT do together, I think he would mix me and others up, cuz clearly he had a memory like a sieve. As freaked as I get, Im glad to know that there will be people around. Trustworthy people. Bring on change and forget the past!
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The Beginning of The End....

Well the last few entries talk about how I was in London, this time last year. Well today, one year ago today was my return from my jolly haunt over in London Town. I had a great time for the most part. My return was exciting as well, or so I thought. I flew home mid morning London time arriving home early afternoon. Rob was there to greet me at YYZ airport. The drive home as always depressing, but I already had thoughts of what may have happened while I was away. Thrilled to be on familiar territory, I was curious as to what may lay ahead. We pulled up to Regal Rd and I entered to find my place, pretty much untouched, not cleaned. This is when Rob notified me of only having had time to wash the bed linens. It was that comment that led me to believe things had gone down, somehow, sometime while I was away. I was in a hurry to show Rob, video messages sent from common friends abroad...Rob was more interested in showing me his new mobile. Though not a mobile style to my liking, it was something new. Rob would not leave it in my hands alone, he stood over watching and not even letting me look at certain features, as if to hide something, fear of my seeing something on his screen. I went on and showed him the video messages, to which he broke down, and asked that I stop the videos, as it was hard to watch? Regardless, I went on to ask about his mobile plan etc..I told him, after he explained what he signed up for, that he would be paying more and the he should have waited for my return to research plans etc, if it was worth it or not, considering he still lived at home and why waste money? He looked a bit disappointed when I sort of gave off vibes of, his switch, not being the most cost effective of moves. He went on to tell me, it made him feel more "adult/responsible"? Regardless. It would take a week or so from this date, a year back where I would find out the real reason behind his switch, mainly while I was away. I did find an email from Rob, sent to his then provider, Virgin Mobile. This email went on to tell the customer support dept of Virgin, how an "ill relative" had moved away, therefor needing much more air time. None of this was true, the entire email was a LIE in order to try and switch through Virgin. This didnt happen therefore his switch. The "feeling more adult" line he told me was just that, a line, a LIE! There was NO ill family member, flat out lie! He had apparently that month, spent over $200 on airtime, and wanting to switch plans. Now Rob had given me some story weeks back about a new plan he switched too which would allow him more evening time, but no daytime minutes? I would ask about his plans and given very unrealistic responses. This too led me to believe, something was up. 1000 evening minutes hmmm why so much I thought, considering Rob was with me all night most night. I would eventually find out, why Rob was always so tired, why the lack of energy. Trying to piece this puzzle wasnt as difficult as I had imagined. It took less than 7 days to find out what really was going on. Having both signed up to Virgin Mobile originally, the mobile accts where tacked onto my hotmail. A week into my return I rec'd an email from Virgin, a detailed acct of mobile activity for the last 3 months. I opened the email to find about 8 pages of "usage". This happened on the Friday after my return. I recognized the numbers but could not identify them, so I called. Xtra's sex chat was the most common number. Upon further investigation into this invoice, I noticed Rob had been calling from as far back as this invoice went which was Feb of that year, Every night until 2,3 and 4am, Rob was calling these sex chats. I said to him in an email, "you were certainly busy while I was away, I rec'd your Virgin final invoice" - To which he replied, "what do you mean" - I responded with the obvious. He wrote, "you must hate me, I did it while you were away only, I was lonely." Lie number 2! I said, "its dated back to Feb of this year and its pretty much every night, you are lying to me" and then I sent it on to him. This set the precedent for the beginning of the end....

My Return, As It Happened...

Wow what a whirlwind of the last few days! Finally feeling human again, a few nights of too much of everything, so hence an early night last night and feeling better today. Had a friend over for coffee the other day. We were talkin about relationships. We went on how we, both of us, stayed in relationships for the wrong reason, how possibly, and more than likely we should have ended our bad relationships long before we actually did. She went on to say how a year has passed almost and where things stand now. I went on to say how i never thought that at this time, about a year later, how much better i would be. I asked for the first time if she had seen or spoken to him, just out of interest, just to see if im in a better place. I know I am without asking as my life is mine now. My friend went on to tell me how Rob is still living at home. I just blurted out, "what a sad sad fag", 40 something and living with mom and dad, still!! My friend said that Rob doesnt seem one to live on his own...I dont understand that as everybody has to at some point, especially a queer. My friend said that possibly he is staying there til he saves enough to buy? To that I laugh, a more irresponsible person Ive never known so Id like to see that happen, if only to see it crumble in front of him. I told my friend how, the one thing I no longer have in my life, something Rob introduced me to was jealousy. A jealousy free life is fucking fantastic!I told my friend how re reading old diaries, how I realised what a fool I was, that as early as 94/95, Rob had been screwing around behind my back and it was a sham from day one pretty much. My friend says it should be chalked up to experience. My friend asked about my time, this time last year, when I was away. I told her how I has specified to Rob before I left, that he is NOT to sleep in my room and that no one should enter my home. She asked if I think he did, let anyone in...I told her that the only thing he cleaned, was my bedsheets? Why just the sheets? Ill leave the answer to those who read this blog, up to them. Common sense would dictate, history had repeated itself..over and over. I told my friend how there is no one who knows, knew Rob, at that time, like I did. That Rob can say no, he didnt have anyone over, didnt get off with anyone in my apt and it would be, it is a flat out lie! That Rob can deny it till his last breath, but he is a pathological liar and did have fun at Regal Rd. I explained how he was being so sweet to me while I was away, only to find out, his words were bullshit, all of them. I told her how upon my return home I was thinking of talking to Rob about us. Although we had been living a life of "lovers" the past 2 years, nothing was in stone. This was Rob's scapegoat, for an excuse. But I was thinking that we would get back together. Tomorrow marks 1 year that I returned from London. A year ago today, I hooked up with friends from Africa, in London, for a night of reuniting and a good laugh. I had the guys from the African adventure make video messages for Rob so I could show him upon my return. Only to find out my return would not be as thrilling as I had anticipate. Tomorrow I will tell of my return as it happened.
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Mothers Always Know...Does She?

Well Mothers Day 2010 is upon us today. A day to thank moms for being just that, Mom. No other creatures walking this earth are as supportive, as understanding, and loving as a mother. Dads are cool too, I love mine dearly, but there day is not yet upon us, I will go on about that when that time comes. Rob's mom is a saint, this I will say. She welcomed me into her home immediately and helped me out, for which Im greatful for. She is also very supportive towards Rob, but she, unlike my mom, who knows everything about me, knows nothing of Rob. I hide nothing and deny nothing to my mother. My one confidant is my mom. Robs mom is so in the dark when it comes to her son. Sad on both Rob's end and his moms. She thinks her son is some well adjusted, intelligent queer man. I would thank her personally for being mom, but would feel awful if she knew what her son was really like. If she knew the truth about her son she would probably have thrown him out years ago. Little does she know that her faggot son, is a spitting image of his dad, early on is their marriage. Most queers take to their moms more. Become gay mothers only by influence of our mothers. How we cook, clean etc. Rob took none of that from his mother. He was an idiot in the kitchen, cleaned house like the laziest of "housewives" and as a lover, the worst Ive had, but tolerated for way too long. He was on the other hand a pro at lying and trying to outsmart me. I will admit he did for a while, until I realised his ways. As Ive said I'd known for a long time what makes up Rob. What he is all about. Rob's mom is a catholic practicing character. Rob tries to carry this on in his life, at least while we were together. Rob has committed more sins than anyone I know and therefor should figure out that religion isnt the answer he needs. Its not the help he needs. Rob's mom, if she isnt already, should be embarrassed to have a son like Rob. She may not know what lead to our breakdown, but Im sure through the years, shes heard that he cheated and lied to me, it happened so many times, I cant imagine Rob was crafty enough to come up with constant excuses. Theres a song called, "Stranger In This World" This song, performed by Euan Morton, is about how mothers always know, deep inside, their children are, different. They arent like the other kids. Mothers always know, thats just how mothers are wired. I wonder if Rob's mom really knows what her son is like. If she worries of his impending queer doom? Momma Sanita is too good to have a son like Rob and should tell him he is living a life of misery, or will end up in a life of misery -
Mothers always know...but does she?

Cutting The Rob Umbilical Cord....Nice!

This weekend is a busy one, so I probably wont be on here til late Sunday unless I can sneak in sometime before hand. Yesterday I carted off some stuff for a garage sale. I posted allot of stuff onto craigslist as well. Offers are flowing through which is good. There's this print that was Rob's and he left behind. Its an Audrey Hepburn print. I was originally going to keep it, until I came up with my own idea as to what I want hanging over my bed, in my new place. At the same time I want nothing of Rob's in my new place. There is the one print over the sofa that the idiot bought while I was away once. No doubt those "gifts" he bought while I was away, was due to guilt and figured probably that with new furniture and things, I would gloss over what potentially happened while I was away. He isn't that swift as I always caught on. My new life starting in my new apt next month will be Rob free. Everything in my apt will be 100% Franco. I'm sure I'm to find a few pissy things that have filtered across to my new place, but they too will be discarded upon entering my new habitat. As nervous as I am, as Ive mentioned, excited as well, the best part is that my new place wont have any Rob drama attached to it like Regal Rd. Although Rob put pretty much no effort or input into this place, its still littered with memories of him. I used the word littered, as Rob is 100% trash and I don't live that way. Yesterday, for that garage sale, I got rid of my Christmas tree and all the fixings. I kept some sentimental things, none of which were given to my by Rob, but by my mom or aunt. The next time I decorate for Christmas it will be all of my own doing and purchasing. Putting up the tree we both enjoyed over the years, is now a thing of the past. I don't want to enjoy any holiday, looking or admiring something that Rob and I shared. That part of my life is dead. This purge of sorts is sort of bringing me back to the life I want. Simple. Rob always wanted to, and I'm sure still does, want a grand life. I'm not like that and never have been. Clearing shelves of things I didn't want in my home, but kept because of Rob, is therapeutic and part of the "cleanse". Walking into my new home, once I'm all settled in and what not will be so much of a relief. I can start the next part of my life which is completely me, on my own, independent! That is probably the most exciting thing. I think the best is yet to come and without Rob. Throwing away his ornaments or his stocking is a thrill for me. He is gone! I remember last Christmas while throwing up a few festive decorations, I found the Christmas ornament my mom got him, with his name scrawled in glitter..I went out on the balcony and put a hammer to it. Not in some violent aggressive manner, I just wanted it to be thrown in the garbage. But feeling the drop of the hammer against that fragile glass was as well therapeutic and brought on thoughts of release, letting go...cutting the cord. That's just it...its what Ive managed to do...Cutting the "Rob" umbilical cord!! Nice!
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Rob is the Slag...

Today brings on yet more of my "cleanse" of Regal Rd..Will be nice to rid more of Rob's history in the place. Slowly but so surely, my life will be completely and utter Rob free...how nice!! It's taken about a year or just under and worth the wait. Having had lunch with a good friend the other day, for her bday, I treated her to lunch in the park seeing as it was a beautiful day. I get asked from her, on occasion about Rob. I explained how having gone through old cards, notes and journals, I realized what an idiot I really was. How so early on in the relationship, things were wrong. She asked if I think Rob had changed while with me. The answer no. I had to explain how I met Rob, through the chat lines. How he had pretty much confessed to being a phone whore...and that it had never changed. Its funny to look back at my time with him and realize how much of a cunt her really is as a human being. Ive used some vicious words to describe the kind of person Rob really was, with me, while in my life. I'm sure its all the same, why would our split make him change? If anything it would make him revert to his sleazy lifestyle. Asked from another friend, if Rob is seeing anyone. My response was, which is true, the last I heard he was seeing a shrink, for the 3rd time since I known of him. It never helped before, why would it now. Like I said I was in therapy about 15 years back, having gone through about of clinical depression. I took advise, listened to my shrink, followed his direction and am better than ever. I think my therapy, things I learned helped me through my split. I told my bday gal pal, that I pat myself on the back as I never thought my life would become what it has...better than ever. I thought Id have years of misery, yet I only suffered a few weeks - I was out gallivanting as of last August and out final words were exchanged in mid June of last summer. I think at times this blog has become somewhat repetitive, apart form my daily situations, which at some point get compared to life of years gone by...I cant even think, what life would be like with Rob still in my life. Its not something I can even think of, because the good times Ive had over the last 10 months or so would never have happened. I know I'm worth the fun times Ive had, will have and the days ahead or brighter than the sun that shines on this beautiful May morning. If I have to admit missing anything about Rob, its the car. His vehicle was the last hold on me. Ive over come that hurdle, I'm single and independent in the big city - and I love it!! Rob free! Rob is still, more than likely living the same life. I dont hear of him which is perfect. Asked if we could be friends, go for a drink, by my bday gal pal...It couldnt happen. I have absolutely nothing to say to him. I have no good memories with him, I have nothing with him. Some say its sad..I say Rob is sad. It is his character that destroyed our relationship. He has to live with it, not me. He is the liar, he is the cheat - he is The Slag!
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Excited, Nervous But 100% Rob-Free

Well chatting to people, newer people, its as always, fun to tell my tale as to why I'm single. I get asked that allot, i guess most single queers do? Befriending a guy whose main objective is to get into my pants, but i don't play that way. I do however, chat them up as means of meeting new people even if its through other people. Regardless, I told this one guy, a nutshell version of the last couple of years of my life. Asked if I date and I reply, no, as I don't. I meet up sure, date, nope. Asked why and my response is, I don't trust anyone and befriending new people is tough as it is, let alone dating. I wasn't like that before. I explained how events that happened throughout my relationship that made me, changed me into the cunt I am today. Its not as if I don't like the cunt I am...but it wasn't always the case. Thanks to what Rob did to me, it had made me jealous person, a very protective person, all the while being taken for the longest ride of my life, therefore, trust isn't there. I don't play victim at all, but I don't trust. I was told to "live a little now" which what I'm working on, and changing. I told my new friend that at this point in my life, its all about me and no one else, to which i was applauded. Its tough to get back into the swing of things after such a long long time of living a sorta sheltered life. Life, when i was with Rob was just life with the 2 of us at Regal Rd. There was no life otherwise. Potheads who flopped on the sofa was the existence we lived. I broke that mold and have changed a full 360 in comparison to a year back. A year go this time I was on holiday in London only to come home to a drama that would unfold in the weeks to come. Its made me a better person, it has brought Franco back out, living again. Someone said the other day, "you re going out more"...Yes I am, I have to, I want to. I missed out on allot thanks to Rob with no gain after all those years together. Asked if I was angry. I said, not angry, but I haven't nor will I forgive. That I don't ever want to see him, ever, again. My life is so much better without him. The weight of drama I carried around, for years and years(after reading old journals)is gone. I have minimal drama now. With life in general, with guys, with everything. Its so odd that I'm not a miserable mess as I thought I would be. My move will be the final nail in the coffin, in respect to ridding Rob completely out of my hair! As of June 4th when I depart Regal Rd, it will be, the next chapter. The first chapter was life with Rob, the second chapter was, life without Rob and this next chapter...
A New Beginning!
...and I'm looking forward to it.
Cant wait, excited, nervous, but Rob free, 100%!
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Sad Sad & Alone - Rob Will Always Be...

Well Im starting to go through closets, drawers etc, trying to purge things I dont want to haul around with me, especially since I wont have any need for them, so this is a good thing. The best part of clearing out shit, is finding more Rob related stuff. Not necessarily things he left behind as there will be a few things here and there...in clearing all this out, ive found more cards and such, notes etc...My best find was old diaries. I have always kept, to this day, some form of a journal. So taking a break here and there, I perused through my old diaries, dating back 20 years ago or so. My first meeting with Rob etc..problems and such. So I determined that we started dating Aug 13 93. I found journals from then...I found journals from the following year or 2 - Already, in those journals there are hints of problems between us. I found an entry which mentioned his grand dads passing, that was Feb 04 I believe...I remember it was shortly after that, that Rob wanted to break up, the reason at that time was, that I wore make up, thats what he said to me at least. That was short lived. Journals from 97, 4 years in, talked about how I couldnt trust him, how he was good but not for me...This was obviously before I knew that Rob was no good for anyone or himself for that matter. So clearly this relationship has always had problems. Problems generally caused by Rob's wandering eye and straying ways. Im able to laugh at my ramblings but part of me gets so angry, thinking what an idiot i was and what a whore Rob was, he never changed, never! Cards reading, "you are my soul mate, you are my life and my life is nothing without you"...made me cackle as Rob hasnt the first clue what love is, what commitment was. He still doesnt because he played the same games from the early 90's through til last year. Thats 16 years of head game, of lying, of cheating of not being real with me, of all people. I dont ever think that I would want to see Rob ever again. Re reading my past, Im definitely sure that I never want to see his disgusting face ever again.
While I chat and get to know some people on line. There is one guy who seems very sexy, but is a self professed whore. I will not and cannot bring myself to meet up with him for a drink, knowing how i am, that is best, cause at times I cant control my mouth. The one difference between this guy and Rob(they are both promiscuous sluts)is that, the guy in chat admits to it. Rob tried to hide it from me. Professing he has no clue how to be mean, how to hurt? He was dead wrong and lucky that an idiot like me stuck around as long as I did. Rob deserves all the loneliness that being a whore has to offer, the sadness of a life he has carved out for himself, impeding diseased creatures like him spawn. Ive said it a million times before that he is a disgusting creature and reading my past yesterday confirmed that Rob was always a whore and always will be...Im glad he has been erased from mu life...Sad Sad & Alone he will always be...
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A Hairpin Turn Upon My Arrival....

Here we are in May of 2010 - Wow time kinda flies. When I realized yesterday was the end of April, I remembered that last year at this time, I was off to London, England for a solo adventure thru the city, on me own. This vacation would end like no other holiday before. Not while in London, but upon my return home. It was during my stay in London I was suspicious of funny shenanigans going on at Regal Rd, but would have to await my arrival home to investigate further. I remember, it would be about two weeks to the day that I got home...exhausted from my flight and just the hectic day that traveling brings on...I went on to comment how clean my apt was. I was being sarcastic upon arriving to my apt with Rob. He apparently was too busy to clean, but was able to wash my sheets? He went on to show me his new mobile phone, which honestly, wasnt to my liking, but I didnt have to use it. I recall how protective he was, not leaving me with in my hands, he was standing by me while showing me, I couldnt take it into my own hands, on my own and go thru the functions of the phone. I realized eventually he was trying to hide things in the phone, i.e. messages etc. It was then that I decided I have to look into this as I knew there were too many signs, too many indications that something was going on, something I would not like to be involved in. It wouldnt be til the end of May of last year that things would fully explode. Although I am in a better head space than I was at the time, my thoughts of getting rid of Rob were imminent. I was realizing that this was a trip of a different kind and had been for I dont know how long. MSN messages while I was in London read, "I miss you so much more this time that you are away"...I will say, that at the time, it was nice to read those messages. I remember trying to communicate with Rob via MSN cam. I think that, if anything, didnt make Rob happy that we could actually see each other, but that now Rob realized he had a cam on his laptop and could expose his vile body and face to the web, which I eventually witnessed for myself, without his knowledge. Honestly seeing that, made me howl with laughter. I had a great time while I was in London last year. Kept busy met up with good friends, old friends as well. I remember having some of the Acacia Africa group record personal messages for Rob. I was thinking of him while away, thinking of him in a good way, until I started getting "odd" messages from him. I recall standing outside Boy George's house, with a fellow fan...getting odd texts from Rob. I remember saying to this fan(whose name escapes me now), that I was getting odd messages from someone back home...Rob at that time seemed to be in a hurry to switch plans and phones. That raised a suspicion. and rightfully so. I knew Rob so well, I think I knew more than Rob thought I did. He tends to forget that this pattern had repeated itself many many times over the course of our knowing each other. Rob was a scatter brain remembering things that DIDNT happen, trying to convince me otherwise...though he was wrong. I remember the dumbest of things, but sometimes that worked out to my benefit, and in this case especially.
A year on now from my departure, I remember feelings of excitement! Meeting up with the Acacia group was surreal, from the outback bush of the African flat lands to the metropolis of London, England. Many hadnt seen me with painted eyebrows and clean shave and finely dressed and put together. My London "possee" and I, had a grand time for the better part of the 2 weeks I was in London. It was the return home that would bring on the dramas that would change m life after 15 years. Change Robs life after 15 years, though having carried on those habits, behind my back for the better part of that time. This is when I realized, when I saw the true, true colors that shined from Robert. It was this last vacation, that made me realize I am worth sooo much more. There are people who are NOT like Rob. That Rob wasnt worthy of my time, that my life was on a weird, kind of hold with Rob in my life. London was a blast for the most part, somewhat movie like adventuresome but the adventure would take a hairpin turn, upon my arrival...
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