Karma is a bitch

This entry isn't really a nice one to be honest. But this blog in a window into my mind, the good, fun, bad and twisted. Id consider this, bad - but I get it off my chest....Carry on now -
Today while at work, a common acquaintance of both Rob and myself, told me of an accident in the Santa household. Granted and unfortunately, this doesn't involve Rob,himself. Seems, after a ceremony celebrating "the lord", while exiting the "house of god" - Momma S had an unfortunate fall. From what I'm told, she broke her wrist and hit her head, apparently bleeding from some part of her head, falling down some cement stairs upon her exit. Now granted I am a bit cold even in regards to Rob's mom, only for sending on that message, via a gal pal which read, "Thank Franco for all that he's doing to my son"...? - That irritated me back then and caused a break in my feelings for her as well. So hearing she fell, didn't upset me. My friend spoke to me, as if to say, I should wish her well. My response when she told me was, "you know how I feel about that family", and I would nod my head as she told the tale. What makes me glad in this scenario is that Rob will probably be traumatized...Hearing and possibly knowing, that he is worrying, or even scared of how this "accident" will affect his mom..makes me giggle. An evil giggle I will admit, none the less, a giggle. You see, so long as I know that anything negative is in his life, it makes me happy. If my friends were to read this, they would think what a horrible person I am for writing this, well for whatever reason this doesn't bother me. Its just relaying feelings, honest feelings. If I think of myself and Robs family, primarily Rob, it brings on total negativity, total distaste. So to hear anything about them is nauseating at the best of times, and hearing any form of tragedy, puts a spring in my step, in a twisted sort of way. I jokingly said to a friend, if he wouldn't mind dropping of a dead fish wrapped in newspaper for me, on Rob's doorstep, I was kidding of course, just being silly. I don't need to do anything, nature will take its course. I am a firm believe in karma. Karma has shown its face in Rob's direction before, it has now, and I'm sure it will again. This is the 2nd drama Ive heard, the first being when some uncle passed on, I think that was around Easter or so...and this one. We say things happen in 3's, I wonder what #3 could be? Though I hope Rob's mom has a somewhat easy recovery, I hope it affects Rob. I hope it breaks his heart to see his mother in the condition she may be in. I hope he looses sleep worrying about her. It would be nice to hear that, instead of thinking of his own selfish, filthy life. They always say it, and its so true -
Karma is a bitch
x

His Pathetic Existance Puts A Smile On My Face...

Once again sifting through PC files, I found Rob's letter to Virgin Mobile..when he was requesting more than 2000 minutes. It brought back allot of memories. Nothing tragic, other than the person himself, Rob. It made me realize how much of a "faggot" he really was and still is no doubt. It made me remember the letter I wrote him, that too I found and re read - I thought it was deleted but found it on my back up drive. I re read thinking I was too nice. Yea I was. What I should have wrote were words Ive used on this blog. I hope Rob peeks in every now and then, I hope he googles his name to see what crops up in the results. This will remain at the top of the google search under his name search or this blog search, for this I'm glad. Googling and Facebook seem to be a way of looking into people and I'm here to tell all. Its been almost a year, I made an error in a posting when I mentioned it had been a year. Apparently July 15th is a year, but it already feels like 10, which is a good thing. Regardless, the words used on this blog to describe him have been sometimes, vicious but none the less 100% honest. Things he did, said and so on, all true. Nothing Rob would ever admit to, none of it, that is his character. Ive said before I'm not embarrassed at all about anything during our time together. I was the better partner, this today I know for a fact. I was the better human being, the better man, and the best friend that slime ball would ever have. Unfortunately for me, he was the worst person to enter my life. At the same time, one of the smartest decisions I made in throwing him out. When I saw him the other week, I stared on and didn't bat an eye. If looks could kill, he would be six feet under. I got a good look at him...I could see he aged. He was looking like older family members, from the old country. Bloated, a gut over the belt and short cropped hair. Not a good look on him. His Anderson Cooper do, does nothing for him. Never did but who was I to say this? I felt good ab out myself as I mentioned, I'm healthier, thinner and definitely better looking, if only for the fact that I know or at least knew how he took care of himself. Showering twice a week if that, having a horrid body that never turned me on. If anything it was passion that turned me on and Rob lost that quickly. The rest of the time, shagging was due to the 2 of us being there. He was as Ive said a shitty lay and this I told him. Never one to experiment, with me at least - I'm sure he got up to things with the "strangers of the night", that wouldn't transpire over into our bedroom lives. I never wanted to see Rob again so that walk by the other week was sort of relieving in the sense that I saw what a miserable sod he has become, or continued to become. Sure my words are harsh, but heartfelt at the same time. I talk about him with more ease these days, yet nothing at all positive. When I ended my "letter of closure", I said something to the effect of, "i cant bring myself to say anything nice"...and since I wrote that line, I never have. Rob was a despicable person. Rob was not worthy of my time or trust. His cries of, "I cant imagine my life without you" were honest i think. His life is shit and I dont even have to know what is going on. I know the person he was for 15+ years, chances are hes continued along the same path that has left him deserted by the only person who, at one point, loved him. Rob will never find love like he had with me. Not that I'm tooting my own horn, I just know it. I pray for it, I chant for his lonely existence. On my side of the coin...my life had become something I never thought it would. It would take, getting rid of Rob to see things, the way things should be. I have a life again. Ive rid my life of the evil that was Rob. His pathetic existence puts a smile on my face!
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..because of the character he really is!!

Reading and article today about queers and parenthood. I'm split on this. Though I don't think there is anything wrong with gay parents or parenting, I do have an issue with the home life of a child, in the care of a "homosexual" couple, more gay men than women. Gay men, the majority from my experience, are not stable enough to care for themselves, let alone a growing child. Rob is a prime example of this. Robs main concern, main goal, while we were together, though doing it behind my back, was to hook up with guys, that's it. If you saw how rampant he called phone lines, till the wee hours of the next day, you would see, he had no time for anything else other than his self pleasure. Rob had mentioned in the past about having/caring for children. This I found preposterous! The man couldn't even fry up eggs in a "normal" fashion, couldn't clean a home properly and was to busy in the evenings scouring the chat lines for a fast fuck. When in theory, should he have been a parent, this would be wrong. I can see him neglecting any child, in order to go for a fast anonymous fuck! The life Rob continues to live, I'm sure, isn't that of a stable lifestyle not one that would or should involve children. Rob has this disillusion that so long as you can buy nice things, it would smooth over any problem. This wouldn't work with children. It may have fooled me for a while but I too figured out his pattern. Being a parent involved responsibility to an extreme and again Rob would not be suited for this. At the same time, as Ive mentioned before, Rob is extremely promiscuous, and could or would put a child in harms way. In all the years Rob and i were together her hardly every took an AIDS test, and trust me, if anyone should be under a doctor's watch, it would be Rob. I was tested every time I did blood work and continue to do so to this day. Rob would, again as Ive mentioned, come home or come over and tell of "infections", which more than likely were some form of STD's, this would not go over well in a household with children. He had strep throat one time, after I was away for a while...not even telling me he had strep, he did tell me he was sick and I assumed it was a cold or flu, I could handle that, but he passed on strep throat, which was one of the worst experiences of my life. Imagine passing that, or something worse to a child!? I cant imagine at that point, kissing, sucking some other guys, a strangers, cock or lips and then, without any guilt kissing my lovers lips?? Rob is sick that way, was and is. He puts himself in harms way, but being an adult, that is his problem. You dont involve children, shit, you dont involve anyone else for that matter, and Rob isnt responsible at all that way, trust me, I have fallen victim to his "illness" once before. Rob is one of the most selfish people I have ever known, looking back in retrospect. He is irresponsible and selfish. As well who would want to be a child of this type of person. My parents are wonderful in every way, Rob would be the complete opposite and would be an embarrassment of a parent of caregiver. Although these days I am alone, I want to be alone. As Ive mentioned, I have friends and better social life, but my life is all mine and its how I want it to be, at least for now. Rob on the other hand was forced, by my throwing him out to be alone, it wasnt his choice, he may be used to it now, but I threw him out on his as, like his parents should have done 20+ years back. He is a spine-less clump of faggot cells and should live a life of solitude and involve or rather, put no one in harms way. Rob will always be alone because of the character he really is...
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...how it should have been, years ago!

So in talking and then thinking of the last 9, 10 months or so...its interesting how happy I have been, how happy I have felt. I'm sure some of this will sound repetitive as other parts of this blog have been, but I'm here to yak on :) Life for the most part is A OK! My life is simple, yet at the moment, for the last few months, there is nothing I'd change. While with Rob, too many things had to change and nothing ever did. Everything and anything really, had to change. I recall sitting in the living room of Regal Rd and say, "these 4 walls cannot be my existence!" - Yet year after year they were. The four walls I reside within, are fresh, not yet lived in so that is a story to be at a later date. Having moved and all, allot of people think you obviously go out allot more. Not the case really, its easier to go out, but Ive yet to go "all out" on a more regular basis. That's nothing that made my life miserable, say 1 year ago today or so. Living at a standstill is what made my life stop, made my life super dull and for a long time at that. Ive said time and time again how this year, 2010, would be my year. So far, I went away early in the year, had some wild nights outs, had some laughs and shifted my living quarters and allot more. More things have been done in the short time Ive lived in 2010, than was done in the last 5 years with Rob. Although I have quiet nights at home, I love my home, I love hanging around and lounging, listening to music, surfing away or watching some doco's - My time has become so precious to me. If only to do what I want from now on. Still learning how to live on my own, everyday is an adventure. Moving on is a life altering experience like never before. If you asked me 2 years ago where would you be in 2010..I don't think, anything remotely close to what it is today, would be thought of. In April on a night out with a few coworkers and what not, I uttered to a fellow co worker, "I am happy" - I was asked, "you are?" - I shot back, "oh ya!"....and you know what...I am...
I Am Happy!! Having gone back to being the person I think best suited me was a good move. No compromise for anyone. Not having anyone to "live with" is a marvel. I told the story today of how Rob had put his name on the lease about 5 years back when I moved to the 1 bdrm at Regal Rd...nothing was ever discusses about "moving" into together, officially - Sure Rob pretty much lived there, but never in the time we shared, through til last year, Rob never moved his things into Regal Rd(another sign). It was sort of an unspoken thing. I hated that his name was on the lease. Now, its me and only me. Proud to be who I am, to live as I wish to do as I wish. Suffering what I did with Rob is a learning lesson, to myself. To learn to love myself again, and to love my life. Its nothing glamorous, but to me its fitting. Its how it should have been many years ago!!

Independant & Proud!!

Well 2 full weeks and a bit in my new place. Its coming along, slowly but surely. I don't want to make the same mistakes or bad choices rather, that I made at Regal Rd. Mind you the set up was much different...wall space and such. I have a shitload of framed pics I want to throw up, the question is where, and how. I have a few prints that Rob bought. One being the sepia forest pic, which I like but it was purchased for our old home and another print that was purchased from an Amsterdam gallery. Both of these, I want to sort of get rid of. I don't think they suit this place. Maybe its this phase of my life in which they don't fit in. Rob's brother and sister in law gave us a print which is currently and temporarily hanging in the kitchen. When I went to throw that up, to see if it sat well there, I saw the "to and from" tag, kept on the back. For that reason alone, this print must go. The print from the Amsterdam gallery, may go, if not, just may get stashed in the closet somewhere, for future use. The print that hung over the sofa, I think will be on its way out. Any hint of Rob CANT be hanging around here. As he repulses me to the extreme, so does any relation to him. So this will be interesting to see how this unfolds, what I do. Speaking to friends the day after seeing Rob, I mentioned how he looked tanned. Now he either looked that way as I was walking on the shaded side of the road, he went somewhere or is tanning his vile corpse in his parents back yard, regardless he looked gross. Telling a lunch buddy of mine how I had seen him, how he looked vile, she said in shock, "its amazing how after all the years together, in each others lives, you can just switch off and not want anything to do with them again." - I went on to tell her that I was sort of shocked as well, but after the experience with him, with all the things he did to me, it wasnt hard. Other friends of mine, said how they hadn't heard from him in a while. Surprising? Not - Rob tends to shut people out. Years back when we met, he had a clan of friends he grew up with. One by one and little by little they were filtered out. I know that years back, he hated the fact that they didn't like the head games he was playing with me, the sleeping with me, knowing full well that I had fallen for him. I was so honest back then as well, telling his friends, who became mine as well, that I was in love with him, that we were shagging and in the end I was just a play thing. They gave him grief for playing with my emotions. Maybe this is why, years later, as other infidelities took place, he filtered them out. Didn't want his childhood friends to know the liar and cheat that he was/is? Possibly the same with the friends I have now that he has slowly weeded out? At any rate, he is abolished from the kingdom of "Franco". Last night while sitting out on my balcony, music playing in the background, the street below me with traffic passing by, a cigarette in one hand and a drink in the other, I thought to myself, "this is great, at this moment, I'm thrilled and so happy." It's so weird how I don't long for anyone in my life. I'm OK with friends like Tim, who I get together with here and there for a night of fun. I'm OK with friends who pop in here and there for a visit or we have some sorta social outing. I don't crave love from anyone. I don't feel any absence in my life. I am an independent woman & proud!
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Cheating Father = Cheating Faggot Son

Fathers day weekend is here -
We've celebrated mums day and this weekend brings on the celebrations of our daddies...My dad is a great guy most of the time. He has his quirks as they all do, but love my dad to bits. He helps me in anyways he can and I do the same. For the most part he treats my mom well. The scuffles happen more and more it seems but due to elderly stupidity. I'm honest with my dad and that's made for a great relationship, as years back, i couldn't stand the man - today I cant get enough of him. Rob had this habit of reminding me what my parents did to me, shutting me out when i was a wild child. Ive forgiven that and its part of whats made me who i am today. Robs dad always treated me well at the same time. He looked out for me and tried to help when he could as well. The difference with Robs dad and my dad is the history. My dad never laid a hand on my mom, never cheated on her like Rob's dad did. Rob takes allot from his dad without even knowing it. I recall on Christmas, 2007 - trashed out of my mind, we spoke on the phone and I admitted sleeping with someone while on holiday. I told him as I couldn't keep it to myself anymore. I do recall telling him that when he thinks of his history, how his mom was abused and cheated on, to think of me. That he did the exact same thing that his dad did to his mom. The shoe was now on the other foot in so many ways and its great to scream at him asking, "how does it feel now?!" - I'm sure he hated that, but truth be told, it had to be done. Rob definitely picked up a few bad habits from dad. My dad may have bad habits but again never abused my mother in anyway shape or form. Robs dad abused his wife, as did Rob in abusing me, mentally and emotionally. I could never live with myself having done or been what Rob is. I recall meeting this one guy, under false pretense. When the truth came out, I felt awful for having lied, today we are great friends. No lies between us since then, if anything more a sense of a brotherly bond. Its all good these days and for that I'm grateful. I'm just not wired the way Rob is, the way his dad was. He(Rob) could lie and hope to get away with it. When he did, Im sure he was proud, until I discovered otherwise. I'm sure, rather I know, gay or not, my dad has accepted me as the good boy I am. I'm proud to call my dad MY dad - Rob would have to admit that he is the spitting image of his dad in his younger years, when he chased skirts - Rob just did it, queer style! Like father like son, pretty much...
Cheating father = Cheating Faggot Son.
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Only Alone He Should Be Afraid....

Ha Ha I swear I am a witch sometimes....Earlier today I posted how it was a year to the date that Rob and I had our last words. Well 5pm today I head out of work for my trollop home, who do i see in the distance? Hmmm...Rob! Walking with some, co-worker of sorts I'm sure. At first I wasn't sure, but a few steps closer and yes, yes it was, on Robert Sanita...He looked bloated and I recognize that warped, bow legged walk anywhere. He looked fatter and was having one of those "fake interesting" chats with the person he was walking to the car with. I focused on him from half a block away, and wouldn't take my eyes off of him & no sunglasses to hide behind. He kept turning to face the person he was yakking to, to avoid any eye to eye I'm sure, but i didn't let up. Not once looking forward or when he did, towards the ground. As we got closer I was going to hit or trip him, but decided against it, as there is a witness. I got full of rage when I passed him, I wanted to kick the crap out of him and then I thought about it. Firstly NEVER attack when there are witness' - so slugging him is not out of the question on an "alone encounter". Secondly, I thought, he got fat and looks pathetic in comparison to me. Not one sad thought crossed me, not once did I think, "i miss him". I was pleased with myself. I was happy that those were the thoughts running through my mind. He is a sad, sad pathetic human being, we(both Rob and I) know this. He used to say he was a failure, loser. That's the one thing he ever got, spot on, was and is. He looked darker, Rob usually has pale skin, so I'm led to believe he went away which unfortunately, made a safe, to and from landing. It will be interesting to see what friends say or ask for that matter. Telling it to people, I don't know, I think makes me feel good, I know nothing of how hes been and nor do I care. I do know the progress I made in my life, in my feelings towards him and towards our past. I haven't erased the last 15 years, Ive erased my time with Rob all together. He is absolutely disgusting. It was a good confrontation that I knew would happen, how could it not. I still look out to see if he is around, not in a stalker way, but should I be in the food court, I scour the areas Im in to see if I see him around. Only alone should he be afraid!

1 Year Ago Today, Freedom Was Mine...

As I get more and more comfortable in my new home, new area, I go back to remembering why I never wanted to be down here. Its not a regret I have at all, Ive always seen myself as a downtown boy. More to do so with the people who are called fags. So many of them remind me of Rob, in a negative way of course. So many "partnered" guys who are looking "for NSA fun" - which stands for No Strings Attached. This I can sort of understand with single guys. I personally like to get to know the guys I spend my "quality" time with, theres something just a bit more erotic when you know them as opposed to complete strangers. Rob, like the guys I mentioned earlier, is and was one of these "partnered" guys who was looking for fun outside the relationship. Though I am totally opposed to "open relationships", I guess it can work for others, NOT me. Ive heard the line, "so long as he comes back to me..." - I don't get that at all. Rob must have had that mentality for the 15+ years we were together. I love how Rob was dead set against partners going on separate vacations, yet is was OK to kiss me good night and go look for sluts like himself to get off with. Total double standard, or hypocrite. While on vacation alone last year, I slept with no one, 3000 miles away from my everyday life and no shag. Its a promise I made for myself and no one else, not Rob, not anyone. Its not like I couldn't either, being the "foreigner" does have its advantages, yet I stayed true to my word to myself. Meanwhile, again, Rob finding it OK to mess around, then lie to me. Thoughts ring back to that day 15 years back, with Rob crying in my lap, him uttering, "I don't want to me a typical fag" - He was the entire time. Which is all good and dandy if he didn't commit himself to me, but apparently he did, or thought he did. Rob has to be mad to think, it could be his way or the highway. Funny that I should be the one to kick him to the curb, not the other way around. Yesterday marked 1 year since our last conversation. Time to celebrate. A year ago yesterday is when I asked him if, he sucked someone else's cock, to which he replied, "yes" - Its been on year since Ive noticed, realized that I am better than Rob, that I am worth so much more and deserve so much more that what Rob gave to me. His dedication to me was a cover up for his whoring slutty life. He, again, will deny, but he may forget that I was around for the last 15+ years. I saw his true colors, I saw what liar he was, what a promiscuous faggot he still is to this day. I'm so much better off since letting him go, ridding him from my life. I'm healthier, feel better and in more control of my own life, something I wasn't with Rob.
One year today freedom was mine!
x

I Beat The Cancer That Was Rob!!

Well this place is slowly but surely becoming home. Still an odd feeling here, but this will pass Im sure. This morning I posted a few pics of the move. I got some supportive comments on pics and status. Its nice to see that some people understand where I am coming from, why the need to relocate. Most of the people I know, maybe its best I say it this way, not many people I know are in or have been in a relationship like I was, the length of time and the type of relationship that it was. Again, looking back in retrospect, I find most of my years were just full of crap, when with Rob that was. Ending as it did, which should have ended many years before it really did, takes a toll on you mentally and emotionally. Being alone at Regal Rd wasnt the problem, if anything, that was the best part. Its the history that was there, that is there still to this day, difference is, Ive removed myself from that. The area, the place we called home. So much drama went down in that place that I couldnt stay. Although its been almost a year that he was kicked out of the apt, something still lingered. One good friend, who went through something as "tortuous" is in full support of my moves. Shes is a wonderful gal who understands where I am coming from. Its not to be a bitch, its the truth, its how i feel, its what Ive gone through. Hence the need for massive change. I am so happy to call this place my own. Im so thrilled that I did it all by myself. Rob and I had discussed buying a place instead of renting, years back....that would have made this split a massive difference, in a bad way. So for that im grateful that things never panned out in respect to a home together. Rob has no idea how happy I am today, what he doesnt realize is that my getting rid of him, was the start of my real happiness. Being able to carry on as i have, with the support I have, has made me so happy. I often wonder where he is today in the "mental/emotional" sense. I could only hope for hell on earth for him, its probably not so, but my thinking it is, is enough. The person I was a year ago and the person I am today, are totally different. The only thing that remains the same are my eyebrows! I am a different person, a person probably that would never befriend someone like Rob. Rob is or was the cancer in my life as Ive mentioned before. The cancer is gone, I beat the cancer, that was Rob!
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A Faggot With No Future & Still Is...

Well well...about a week into my move and things couldn't be better. Still allot of work to do, still making it my own. Its great that this place is totally me. There is no history here, yet. Rob has pretty much been erased from my life. Sure 15 years of my life was spent with him, how is it I can totally erase him? Bad outweighed good. Looking back when I talk about my past which included him, shows me how terrible of a person he really was, in my life. Usually after experiences like that, you learn something, you take something with you. With Rob, nothing. Ive learned to become more independent. Something Rob has no clue about. Still living at home with mum and dad, sad really for someone with his income, his age for that matter. Ive learned to be more social, more outgoing, something I wasn't with Rob in my life. Life was at such a standstill with him, it was pathetic. Rob is still pathetic as far as I am concerned. These days I have no troubles mentioning his name, experiences with him, he has just become, "That idiot" or "that cunt" or "that disgusting faggot". All of which is true, according to what I went through with him. Meeting people, like my friend Tim, who I think the world of, is what I want in a friend. Sure we flirt allot which is always fun, but we are good friends, someone I am so glad I met. I met a few, he was one of the first. Meeting new people can be, and is freaky. Being out here Ive stepped away from the chats, for now at least...all the queers are around me and am getting out there. I'm concentrating at the moment with putting my place together and making it my own as I mentioned earlier, that's my priority. Sitting on my balcony, I think its almost like a bad joke that I ended up where I am. For me its the place i call home, not the area. I can remove myself from the action which is right outside my door. Live it up when I want to,need to, but life itself is all the same in every other aspect. Its nice to know, a good feeling to know, I have moved on in every way. I had to get out of my old place, out of the area that Rob lingers around. The thought of him these days, repulses me. I, at time, hate the fact that I spent the time I did with him, the length of time at least. At this point, he was just a financial aid. Without him Africa may not have been possible, buying what I used to, would not have been possible without him. He was an enabler only financially. I remember telling my friend how, he is just around to pay half the rent, drive me around etc. He served no purposed otherwise. A lazy shag, a boring shag. A boring "friend". A twisted faggot with not future. He is still that - Ive moved on!
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Friends are forever & Rob was NEVER that...

So its happened!!
The next chapter has begun!! I arrived after mid day yesterday at my new pad in downtown Toronto. A bit of a rocky start with moving and all, but eventually pretty much all my stuff was moved in. I have one small trip to do with the mover and then I'm full on, in my new place with no return to Regal Rd. Friends popped in yesterday to check out my place and wish me well, which was sweet. Once my friends left and I carried on clearing things, putting things away etc, I was walking from the bedroom to the living area, with a grin on my face, and I said to myself,
"This is MY place, My place!"
This is a new start in a new place with no thought of my horrid past with Rob, there is NO Rob here, which is brilliant. I told my friends I felt removed From what I'm not sure, my life as I knew it? My life that was at a standstill for the better part of 10+ years? Setting up house is fun and stressful but its all about me. I'm done with the life I had at Regal Rd, primarily having shared i with Rob. All the memories I create here are mine and all mine. There is no one to share it with and I don't want to share it with anyone. Yesterday as I awaited for the movers to load up, I spoke to my mom. She asked if I was moving in with someone, my response, "Hell no!". I said I would never do that again, I don't want anyone. She said, "never". I said, I'm not looking and I'm not wasting my time that way. Should it happen, good for me, as for pursuing it, looking for it, its not happening, nor is it something I want, not now. I learned a few things from my time with Rob. Things that hopefully will stop from having history repeat itself. Ive learned to listen to my instinct. If I feel something is wrong, something isn't going right, or I have a suspicion, then I'm probably right, I was with Rob pretty much all the time. Not to trust too easily. I'm pretty open with my life, but I should be suspect of anyone asking more than I'm offering. Being taken for a fool by someone like Rob in turn has made me feel the fool, only because I thought I was smarter than that, and I'm sure Rob thought or hoped he was smarter to outsmart me, but for that, he was wrong. So no one special for me, and no need. I told my mom, I have lots of friends, and that's what I want. That lovers come and go, some waste more time than others, but regardless, they come and go...Friends are forever & Rob never was that!
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Rob has been deleted - PTII starts tomorrow!!!

So here we are, the eve of my move to my new home. I went to check out the place on the 1st, pretty nice. I'm happy. Its all new, which goes with the theme of my year, "the next chapter", it is happening, there is no turning back now which is perfect. Its like making a decision you re not sure on, but have to go. I have all kinds of good and bad thoughts, mostly good and the bad are silly, its more my nerves more than anything. I have people coming to help and relieve me on the weekend, so it will be busy. Tomorrow morning I will be off line until I set up house in the next day or so. My time on Regal Rd started good, 10+ years back and went sour. This place is full of memories, good and bad, but mostly bad. The bad in this sense, is due to things that happened while here. The deceit, lies, infidelities and much more. My new place has none of that, and should it ever, it wont be Rob related. Ive cut myself completely loose and free of the "Rob" hold in my life. Some sadness comes through now and then in regards to my move, its the people Ive met here, who really like me, its a nice feeling. Im ready to take on a new challenge and welcome it with open arms. This chapter is closed, this chapter is dead. This is something I wish and pretty much have, erased from my life, my memories. The good memories, which like many things, my trip to Africa, holidays etc, have now been remembered as my own and only me. The same with Regal Rd. Seeing my life in boxes is kinda freaky, but it will all be in place in a few days and the new beginning will start. No longer in the same vicinity as Rob, perfect!! He is no longer a stones throw away which is perfect. I wanted to leave this place the minute I stopped loving him, the minute I realised what he was in my life, a waste of time. Things have been looking up for the last 8 months or so, and as of tomorrow it will have gotten that much better. I am proud of myself for this next move, literally. Im doing it all by myself. Sure it makes it a bit more stressful but as I mentioned earlier, all worth it in the end! Rob has been deleted - Part II starts tomorrow...
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The Heartache... - It Was All Worth It!!

Well here we are, June 1st! 3 More days until Regal Rd is another part of my history. Still sooo much to do but one day at a time, I forget I have this place until the 14th, should I need time. I'm taking my time when it gets stressful. Ive decided to write about my African holiday. I want a written account of my adventure. Its something I always think of and want a document to go with photos, a project in the works. I love being busy with personal projects....This document is my account of Africa. Rob was initially mentioned, but he is slowly being deleted from that. One entry included the first 2 nights in Nairobi. I refer to Rob as my "room mate" who shared my hotel room. The "we" have been switched to, "me" or "I". Its sad that I cant recount the tale to include Rob, but his existence has clouded over, in a negative way, anything we did together. Ive mentioned recently, that the only thing I miss is the car, which is true. Rob served me no purpose especially the last few years. I wrote, with the exception as an idiot who paid half the rent, shared expenses and that's about it. He was a fair weather friend at the best of times. Meeting new people and realizing how friendships are supposed to be towards you is sort of an eye opener. Being able to be myself, while in Africa and anywhere for that matter is how I should have lived. This I'm doing today. As nervous as I am about my moving day, its thrilling to start all on my own. Sure its hard to move, there is no help. Friends have offered and for this I'm grateful, but something I need to do on my own. I want to be 100% independent. The stress is worth the self sufficiency. Feelings of, "this will never get done" are fine. In the end, when I have moved myself in, and settled in, it will have been all of my own doing. Today I go pick up my keys on my lunch hour and will see where I will spend, at least, the next year of my life. I'm thrilled and flipped out at the same time. I will be nice to at least live far away from Rob. I always hated going along St Clair, for fear of bumping into him or his family. Not fear of anything other than what I may say or do, should I bump into any of them. I still scour the underground, the intersection near where he works. At least removing myself from the living area is a positive. I told Rob in my letter of "closure" that I would be moving out of the area. I don't know what he may have thought of that comment. Was it something to grab his attn? Nope. I don't know if he thinks or thought that for that matter. I wont have thoughts of bumping into him anymore. Starting Saturday morning, hell even Friday night, will be a new start, a fresh start and a Rob free start. It seems a few things will be dragged over to the new dwellings but will be purging until, it all "fits". The guys(my cats) and I, will start over. Even they(the cats) will have to get used to it. Regal Rd is no longer home. I stopped caring about Regal Rd back in October, I was done with it. I was serious about moving, and here I am...3 sleeps away and a world of stress..but its all worth it. The next thing to deal with, once Ive settle in, in the next few weeks is, my 40th birthday holiday. The year is busy as anticipated, as planned and I'm OK with it. Self sufficiency. This is the time of year that Rob gets slammed with work, so I'm hoping and wishing him a hectic and lonely summer. Mine so far....good friends, new friends...new home, new area...old friend back in the picture and a life of full on freedom! Thanks Rob...for this I owe you as you live your pathetic existence. The drama, the heartache and the deceit - It was all worth it!
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