A Different Day Off...

So after a semi productive weekend, I feel I need today off. Not sure yet what I will do, how it will go but for now, I think im in for the day. I havent for about 2 months, so this is earned, deserved, though I will work from home should I be needed. Many times over the years with Rob, we took "days off" together. I would always fantasize about our "days off" together. I would imagine, wakin up, having coffee, to wake up more..then possibly spend the day in bed, watching tv, or having a romantic day, all day. With Rob these remained just that, fantasy. Speaking to guys over the last few months, this seems a common fantasy, some make it a reality. Thinking at the time, that I had a partner, this would be easy, would be "normal" - Not so. Rob chose to spend these "days off" flopped on the sofa catching up on TV. Eating. Getting high. Thats it. The thought of any romance as we spent the day together, wasnt a thought in his mind. Not with me at least. He may have done so after leaving my place, but not while we spent the day together. I remember conjuring up ideas, to give hints that would hopefully lead to a sexual experience and again, these fell on deaf ears. I would draw myself a nice bubble bath, leave the washroom door open. Then...asked him to come in for whatever reason, smoke a joint, to get me something I forgot to grab before I got in the tub...nothing. I remember telling him to roll a joint and come smoke it in the loo with me as I soaked. He would take a seat on the loo, spark up, chat me up about dinner or the show he was watching, as I was in the tub, right in front of him. We would smoke it and then he would leave. What kind of man was I with? I would try the, "im going to take a nap" deal...Rob knew, everyone knows, Im NOT a napper. So the thought that I would be in my bed, more than likely, scantily clad, made no difference to Rob. He would just sit in the living room, fixated on the TV and nothing else. Usually by early evening, being frustrated at his lack of interest, any interest other than TV, I would gesture that I was tired, or going to bed early...why?...to have my time alone, seeing as having a partner with me all day was as dull as dishwater. I started taking days off without him just to have time to myself. I had to, I needed that escape. One night in 2008 while coming home from work, and Rob having had a stressful week at work, I told him to park his car, not to worry about getting a parking ticket or watch how much he drank, I had offered him the sofa. After a few drinks, as the evening passed, I decided to go to bed...tipsy and sleep from a week of drama at my work place. Shortly after, Rob found his way to my room. I didnt ask or even want at that time, Rob to enter my room. Being the sexually deprived being I was, I went for it, I let it happen. I needed it and eventually wanted it. This was Rob just using me for his pleasure only. I guess he was stuck at my place, weather being nasty and all...otherwise he would have left to seek out sleazier adventures. This is how Rob worked I found out eventually. I told Rob how I know he used me for his sexual escapades when there was no other option. I told him how it wasnt a nice feeling, once I realize. I was not the trash he was used to shagging.
These days, i take days off to spend with myself, to be productive or just have a mental day..no thought of "what ifs", or "how to's". These days off are a "different day off" which I love now -
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Weekend "Rob" Cleanse

Well the weekend has arrived. Luckily I have minimal plans, so far...Im busy tonight which will hopefully lead to my Saturday and Sunday being free. The weekend will be devoted to a "cleanse" of sorts. Im going to sort out things I dont want to take with me to my new apt. Most of the things are things that either Rob and I had together, purchased together or things that Rob left behind. Now most of his shit is gone, was either burned, trashed or sold. There is still the odd thing. I bought him a guitar years back. He never touched. Rob was one with little ambition if it didnt involve anonymous sex with strangers. That is the only thing he was consistent with. So asking or wanting other things, was a waste of time, money and energy. We bought a Xmas tree years back and that too hasnt seen the light of day since I broke up with him, so why drag along that memory? Pointless and there is no need. As well, Robs parents, a few years back, bought us a dinner set which included a full on dish and serving set. Ive never liked them. Sure it was a full set, but we were 2 people? Im not dragging that with me. The one thing that I purchased that wont find its way to my new abode is a bbq, it is illegal anyways to have them on balconies so again, why put myself in that position. This cleanse will rid my life, my home, completely of Rob. This is the point of my new beginning. In my new "life" I dont want a shred of memory of that trash that wasted 15 years of my life. Ill be sifting through every piece of anything this weekend to abolish that idiot from my space. Chatting with my friend last night, I said, that the main reason I am moving is to have a place, have things, have a life that is completely Rob-free. The last 10-11 months have been fabulous with him gone. And as always wish him a life of misery. Im glad I can move on, move out and carry on living MY life, the way I want to, without constant distraction. This weekend cleanse is more of a ....Weekend "Rob" cleanse -
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That Is So Fine With Me...

So as I move closer to my moving date, as well as getting the odd little thing set for it...I tend to take breaks and think...Thinking is never a good thing, though it does make me analyze certain things. Moving into the "Village" as it is called, has its ups and downs. Ive lived there before, back in my late teens. I enjoyed it but was caught up in the whole partying scene. I was unemployed and a youth with just one thing on my agenda - partying and having a good time. Fast forward about 20 years, and Im headed back to that part of town.
While I was with Rob, after the first few, 3 maybe 4 years, we did not venture out there any longer which was fine with me. The thing is, due to Rob's disgusting queer secretive lifestyle, Ive turned against the gay community - As Ive mentioned before, I dont support gay causes, marriage etc. Most of this is due to thinking, that all queers were like Rob. Most are, dont get me wrong, I have not seen the light and am not supporting any queer movements. But I have said before that I have met a few "decent/normal" queers since my being single. Now when I was looking for a place and entered my criteria, I was getting irritated at the fact that the only apts available were down in the, so called, Village. Eventually and part of me, really really wanting to get out of Regal Rd, I took the nicer one that I found, in that area. But as I think of the good and the bad, the new and ridding of the old, I think it will be good. I think sometimes that of all places to end up, but there is lots around me, in the sense of being, right downtown. I dont point my nose up to queer joints, any longer. Rob isnt around to make me think, that all the men in the establishment, are just like him. Theyre not. There are guys as Ive said who are a total 360 from what Rob was, and thats whom Im talking about. I know I will meet some characters as the months pass. Ive been here 10 years and know minimal people, I expect the same and have no issue with it. At times Ive felt uncomfortable in an odd way, waltzing down the main drag, but eventually it will be home. People will eventually get to know that I am from the area and it will feel like home. It will be nice to be in a central location. Part of me thinks of how it would be if I saw Rob, and really, he should cross the road or get out of my sight, to avoid any, attention seeking" embarrassment - he he - Really. I ended my letter to Rob last summer with, "Life will never be the same, as it was again" - and that is soooo fine with me.
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A Lonely, Disgusting Life Is What Suits Him...,

Well another busy week and weekend has come and gone. Its incredible to feel like Ive had genuine fun. Saturday was spent with my gal pal who celebrated her bday with friends, all day. While chatting with another guest, we were discussing relationships. This guy had broken up with his boyfriend about 2 years ago or so, maybe one? I don't recall. He is currently in a relationship with a 23 year old, while he is 46 or so, half his age. He was saying how he thinks "this is the one" - Asking for opinions, I'm not sure he was too pleased with people responses, but he took them all with a grain of salt. Asked about open relationships, or allowing your partner, to go out and get laid via other men and avenues...I strongly disagreed. I told them that I have been told that I am "old fashioned", that works for me. I am proud that I am old fashioned. This guest went on to say, if his boyfriend wanted to go out and have some fun, he could meet someone for the "experience" or go to the bath house. I had reservations about that. If you are exclusive, then you are exclusive. That means one on one. Not one on one most of the time. Dating, without any commitment to someone, leaves your door open, so to say. When you commit like I did to Rob, there is NO other men to be had. This is something Rob never understood, because as early back as I can remember, he broke that commitment to me. Fool that I was, I realize this today. I think back in the days I felt like the idiot "wife" who pardoned her partner, the one time it happened. Unfortunately with Rob, it wasn't the one time. I don't know how many times and surely will never know. The words from Robs mouth, confirming at least one affair, was enough. Never had full on confirmation til last year. This was the end, completely. I recall sitting on the balcony in the summer of 07 with friends, asking if we could be friends. Now we had broken up but things at this point had gone back to relationship mode. My answer to the question was no. Rob always wanted to remain friends. He couldn't see his life without me, but was good enough to fuck around behind my back, lie to me and what not. That's not any form of commitment at all. Different views on relationships I'm open to. What works for you doesn't necessarily work for me. I think the biggest thing with me is the no tolerance for lying. If I think of how many times Rob lied to me, it repulses me. The fact that I was that stupid. Better yet, Rob thinking he can get away with it. Everyone, everything has its breaking point and Rob pushed me to that. The words I spewed at him on that weekend, about a year back, were heartfelt and genuine. When I realised how horrible he was behind my back. Like this friends relationship with this 23 year old, it wont work, I know it now and await to hear about that break up in the near future. If I have to for see anything in Robs future, it would be something along the same lines as the friend with the 23 year old. Rob has this nurturing instinct. That instinct to take care of someone, seems to be so he can have the upper hand in the relationship subconsciously. Rob is no good for anyone, except for trash such as himself. There for no future for him, not with a partner at least. Disgusting and lonely is the life that suits him...
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New Beginning - PHASE II

Well well - another step forward.
Since throwing Rob out of my home, my home isn't the same. Not for the fact that Rob isn't here, because, I have new found freedom and sense of "Franco" since he has been gone. Its silly memories that linger, that are part of Regal Rd. There are certain things still, in here, that remind me of that idiot. I'm sure if I left tomorrow, there will still be little things here and there..BUT - I have found a new place. Sure it is a bit more expensive. It is in the downtown core. I will be able to walk to work, so that will save some cash, that can go into my rental increase. Apart form other things, I think paying a bit more, for a bit more is worth it. As well, I am working on other ways of saving. Let me back track. When I moved into Regal Rd, Rob was obviously always with me, though in other apts, he would spends days there, it was never "our" place. When i moved into Regal Rd, I started in a bachelor pad, still, only my name on the lease. When I upgraded to a 1 bdrm with a balcony, a new lease was signed, and Rob added his name. I was a little shocked at that, but then the years together, and his always being here, made sense that he was on the lease. So in essence, basically living together. Though he had no or minimal to do in the apt itself, he did pay half. Again, although he has been out just about a year or so, theres still alto of "Rob" in here. So...finding this new place. A place totally on my own, is thrilling. A place to truly call my own. No hint of Rob. 100% Franco, in every way. Again I am excited, nervous and all of the above, just thinking about it. This is another step in me being on my own, completely. I have a few more hurdles to over come. I'm slowly getting my life, all to myself, like i want(ed) it. A few new friends whom I cherish a new home..Ive travelled without Rob and its enjoyable. So I have done lots on my own in the 10-12 months on my own. I pat myself on the back again! I'm doing good, friends are thrilled for me, have already offered help. A new beginning indeed - I will keep you posted on -
PHASE II
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And That Is Why I Hate...

OK so, the other day I had some friends over who hadn't been here in a while. We caught up on what was new, what was up and coming etc - I was asked about Rob, which still happens occasionally. These days I could care less what people ask about etc. I am harsh with my words as Ive said before. I told my friend that I have told mutual friends that I don't want to hear a thing about Rob unless it is negative. I told my company that the only news I want is negative things, if not death on Robs behalf. My friend said to me, "I don't think I could dislike anyone to the point of wanting them dead.", I said, me neither, generally. I went on to explain how there have been 2 people who Ive wished that on, one is dead and Rob the other. I went on to tell her, it wasn't just the lying. The fact that he went off with other guys, then back to my bed is what I'm livid about. How I never touched another man in the 13 years we were together. I didn't sleep with anyone or get off with anyone. How when things did happen, I told Rob, I held back nothing. He put me at risk of deadly diseases. He may not see that, but that again is his own denial. I told him many times while we were together, and we had these unfaithful "episodes", that if i ever caught anything, i would kill him with my bare hands, and i would. No one is to put me at risk at any time. Rob did just that. The one person on this entire earth who I thought I could trust, turned out to be the most untrustworthy and irresponsible human being. After all the years, all the lies I was told and again, the possibility of jeopardising my health due to his irresponsibility is why I despise that man. If he had just lied i may be less bitter. But for the fact that he put me in a horrible position and abused me in the sense of my being taken for a fool...is the reason there is absolutely no need for him. Regardless of the days, months and years that pass, that is something I will never forget. It is something that is unforgivable.
And that is why I hate.
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Things Were About To Change...

A beautiful Monday spring morning - nice, sun is shining and again I awoke at some ungodly hour. Its not all that bad, I managed to bump into my friend abroad, it was nice to catch up. In chatting with him, I remember when we first "met" on line. It was meeting him that made me realize there are other cool people out there, queer and real. Unlike Rob. My friend and I met in the spring of 2006. Rob and I were sinking fast and I didnt know what I was going to do with my life, my relationship. In getting to know my friend in 06, talking about things I hadnt spoken about in confidence with no one, made me realize, my life was going wrong, it was at a total standstill. This friend of mine, is beautiful, sexy and a rebel. A bad boy with a heart, one of my weakness'. I remember chatting to my friend on the eve before Rob and I went on our annual cottage outing. I did not want to go. I cried the night before, which meant I woke up with the most swollen, puffy eyes. I told Rob I got soap in my eyes when I showered, little did he know I did not want to be in the car, heading up north, away from communication from the rest of the world as well as my new friend who I was quickly "bonding" with. I think being vulnerable at that time, made me have "cyber" feeling towards my friend. These feelings grew into a good friendship in the end, which to this day flourishes. Funny how it took a complete stranger, at the time, to make me realize that my life with Rob was wrong, what I wanted isnt how I was living. I tried to keep in touch with the "outside" world by sneaking to the loo to communicate with others on my mobile. On the way home, after a long dull week, I remember thinking how glad I was to get back in touch with others who knew what I was going through. I certainly couldnt talk to Rob about the situation, we were living it, was there anything to discuss? A few weeks after we got back, I had feelings of escape, running away. Now Rob and I were planning to go to Italy later on that year. I remember sitting at my desk, knowing fully well, I did not want to go another holiday with him, I couldnt torture myself that way. Enough was enough. Rob was always good at brushing problems under the carpet. I remember Rob coming home with a book on Rome. I knew already, it wasnt going to happen. I called friends over, expressing my desire, my need to get away, and possibly never come back. I did everything I could to get my European citizenship, in case I didnt want to return. I finally told Rob. Our plans were on hold - our life was on hold. I said I was taking off to London and for at least a months time. At that time I had a chat with Rob...I has expressed to him the fact that I was taking off to clear my head, to be away from everyone, to be alone. That the problems we were going through had to be dealt with before I left. That upon my return, I wanted things to start new. No drama, no bull. Considering I was going to the UK, I took the opportunity to meet up with friends. Rhiannon, Dean and one or 2 others. If only not to be completely alone while away. Rob and I never discussed our problems. Through email Rob was "talkative"...in person, quiet. Would come home, have dinner and float away into our own worlds. Friends of ours even tried an "intervention" of sorts at a dinner at their place. I recall looking at my watch, it was gone midnight...no one said anything in regards to the real reason we were there...I blabbed away shortly after that. I remember raising my voice towards Rob, but the details are all blurred out. I got plastered to the point where I actually fell from the steps on their porch, banging both the back of my head and my chest. The next morning was all a fog, with the exception of remembering yelling and mentioning the names of one of the guys I was aware of, that Rob met after leaving my apt in days gone by. I remember getting in touch with my UK buddies, ensuring some sort of company while I was there. Leaving was the scariest thing Ive ever done. Saying good bye wasnt the hard part or the scary part. Once the plane door closed, it was me against the world. I recall a co worker said to me shortly before I left, "Franco, once you leave, its is you, only you, no one knows you.", that was kinda freaky but exciting at the same time. I remember going to the airport and leaving Rob and my other friend behind. Once I passed the security gate, it was on. A month of just Franco had just begun. This was the beginning. This was time for change and self enlightenment and my time alone. I hadnt been alone in about 12 years. I was always with Rob, living a lie, living a life of being lied to. I did leave though, with no resolution to any of our problems....Things were about to change...
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This He Deserves!!

So....as I went through this day I found out some "good news" in a "bad way"?
Lets see, my ex apparently suffered a loss this past holiday. Am I saddened - not in the least. Do I feel sympathy to who was left behind, yea, immediate, only - not indirectly. Did I feel a load of pleasure to hear that Rob may have had another crappy Easter - Absolutely!! In fact it made my day.
Having woken up tired this morning, and trying to figure things out, I was a bit hyper in a responsible way. Hearing the news i did today, made my day. It made me smile thinking, "Yes - tragedy for him". I know Robs fairly close to most of his family. So to hear this, knowing he would be shattered, is the icing on the cake for me today. I know that makes me sound like an out right cunt. At this stage, I have chalked my time with Rob as a bad experience. Over all it was - with the lying etc, it was sour long before I really knew, but regardless. In the end, when it was all said and done, I was hurt like never before. These feelings I expressed to him. He knows he hurt me. No matter what, Rob could never say anything remotely close to this. He was in the wrong during our time together. It was his actions that prompted me to get rid of him. The hurt slowly goes away. I wont forgive and definitely wont forget. So back to the issue mentioned above...Knowing Rob is hurt, in any way, shape or form, brings on immense pleasure. The shoe is on the other foot in a way. His feelings of pain is something he needs to feel. To feel hurt. Would be best if he could experience that and pain. Just so he knows what he did to someone not deserving. I'm glad he is going through some emotional drama - This he deserves.
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Those Days Are Gone...

Well Easter has come and gone and a nice one was had -
I recall that Rob used to say that something bad always happened, there was always some drama at Easter. I could only wish and hope that was the situation this year as well. And with no real close confidant it must have been lonely for him. As well, that is deserved. A friend of mine returned from holiday and we chatted this morning. Though he is not close to me, it is nice to wake up and chat to someone so special to me. I was told that chatting to me puts a smile on his face and that it does the same to me. He was tired from his flight but mustered up a smile, just for me. To hear him say he misses me and "luvs" me, warms me all over, in many ways. It always astounds me how I can feel this way with my friend and how I didn't feel this way when I was with my boyfriend. Even today, almost a year since I threw Robs ass out of my apartment, I have no sadness, no desire, no love or like for that matter for Rob. How someone can do something to the extent Rob did, to allow me to erase, forget and even deny my time with Rob is incredible. My friend abroad, who I am in touch with almost, at least, weekly when he is home, has greater feeling for me, more genuine feelings for me, as friends, more than Rob did when we were together. Rob says he would do anything for me, this was all out of guilt not love. Not even "like" - How a few simple words spoken between friends can have a bigger impact on me, more than what my ex made me feel in almost understandable. Thing is, my friend has never hurt me, never lied to me - even in the beginning as strangers, my friend and I were quickly forming a bond that is there today. Its been 5 years Ive known my friend and would have been over 16 years with Rob...and my friend is at the top of my list, where as Rob is no where to be found. He is erased, he is history. For this I thank my lucky stars...I thank my lucky stars for helping me get over Rob, to realize he isn't worth my time....and that people like my friend, are what I need, what I want in life. Its funny when I think of the difference between Rob and my friend. There were times I need Rob out of my apt, I needed my break from him. I remember the summer of 06 after returning back from holiday, we had 0 sex while away. When we came home Rob darted for the TV and plopped himself on the sofa to catch up on the weeks past TV shows. I remember him going form video to video and it driving me mad. I recall thinking, "if he picks up one more video, I'm gonna ask him to leave." Sure enough, Rob went to grab another video, and I snapped, "You have to go!" I remember his shocked look on his face, but I couldn't anymore. A week together away and we were just like 2 room mates, room mates with nothing in common. Never would I open my door to any man, but my friend has an open invitation. Id say that the last few years of my relationship, I really didn't want Rob here, if only for the fact that he was paying half the rent and other things, I kept him around before I made my move, my throwing him out. I know when my friend and I get together a great time will be had as we did in the past and plenty more in the future. Its nice to look forward to this. Unlike with Rob, I looked forward to him leaving at night, out of my hair. Unfortunately he left to go between the legs of some skanky queer such as himself. Those days are gone....
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Rob Is Wired To Cheat, Lie & Manipulate!

As I wake up this morning, the headline on CNN reads,
"Are Men Hard Wired To Cheat?" -
Being a queer male in society, having witnessed and experienced what I have, my answer would me 98% Yes!. My first boyfriend and I split as it was spring romance...That's the only relationship I had that split pretty amicably, in fact almost 20 years later we are still friends. My second relationship, ended due to his wandering eye, among other things. My last relationship...well if you've read the blog you know exactly why we broke, so the answer again to the CNN question would be, "Yes"!! If I have to be 100% honest, as I claim to be, these "situations" will come to see the light of day. Now my sex life with Rob was boring as all hell, lame and sometimes not even worth my time. I was better off taking care of "business" on my own as that gave me greater satisfaction. In the late 90's I called some chat, some guy wanted to come "and play" - I gave him the suggestion, "Why don't you just play" - and so he did, he popped by, got off, neither touched the other and all I did was watch. Stimulating it was, to see a man enjoy himself was more erotic than the times I was with Rob. Before that I believe, I made out with an old friend..but that was more a drunken, "good-night" kiss. Nothing came of it. That friend and I are still in touch and it was something I always wanted to do. Even making out with Rob was lame. During sex Rob wouldn't kiss, or at least not passionately as one would think during that scenario. In 2006, with my relationship dead in the water, I met this guy in London, while on a sabbatical from life, I met this tough looking and acting, thug like character, that had beautiful blue eyes, and a bad ass attitude. We got on like a house on fire and spent the last few days of my time in London, in 2006 together. We fell into bed twice during my holiday. I knew my relationship was dead when I felt no guilt. In fact I was thrilled. That year, my then "lover" and I had 0 sex, with the exception of a mutual getting off on holiday the August of that same year. That was when I turned to Rob and said, "I could have done that myself" - I cared nothing of his feelings as I realized then, it was pretty much over, for me at least. So falling into bed with "Joe" was rejuvenating and exciting. Both times were hot and heavy and erotic - and deserved. I remember my friend, tearing at my clothes to get them off, I was hesitant til I realized my friend really wanted to be with me, sexually. There were no feelings, it was just physical. The kissing was passionate, the touching was sensual and thrilling at the same time. I did meet up with a friend in Birmingham during that same trip. That night we went clubbing ended up with him pushing me against the wall and pressing his beautiful lips against mine. Dancing on the dance floor, me grinding up against him, getting aroused with him. I remember the cab ride back to my place from the nightclub we had been at. He was holding my hand and sneaking in kisses along the way. That was the most erotic evening Ive spent with someone. Though we didn't have sex, the sexual energy between us two was incredible, for that too I felt zero guilt. Why wasn't I feeling this way with my then lover, Rob? As Ive mentioned, little did I know what he was doing, and had done behind my back and would continue to do. I remember him asking me if I had feelings for my friend, I denied it, but did at the time. After it was all said and done with, how could he ask me those questions when all the while, he was the most unfaithful, lying partner I had ever had? One of the biggest hypocrites I have ever known, ended up being my partner for 15+ years?! Prior to living the lie that was the last few years of my relationship, the thought of being with someone else never crossed my mind. I hadn't gone into a chat, or called a line since meeting Rob, in fact I was the one who made sure Rob deleted his sex chat message as I knew of his past. He was convincing that he was being faithful, until he was caught, early on in the relationship. I hadn't touched another man until 2006, having been completely faithful to Rob for the better part of 13 years. I recall fessing up to Rob, Christmas night 2007, that I had slept with someone while I was away. We had broken up in Feb of that year and at that point could care less. I remember him telling me he couldn't be mad at me - He couldn't because he played that on me for countless years before!? - I asked him how it felt!? The shoe was now on the other foot. It was a great feeling, firstly to get that off my chest as I'm horrible with secrets and then to be able to throw that in his face. In all the glory, at the time, in the early years that was my relationship, never would I have cheated. When I realized how Rob was being with me, I played the same game, unintentionally. Being out there and finding other men who found me sexually attractive was new to me as my own boyfriend didn't make me feel that way and I needed and deserved that. The men I think who are wired to cheat, are selfish men and that is Rob to a "T". Rob is wired to cheat, lie and manipulate!
There is no need for him -
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