Bitter & Twisted Explained

Well hello - this entry will be slightly off.
At times I peruse my blog, the entries of the past months. I like reading or seeing the changes in certain things in my life. I also find it comical at how ridiculous my mouth can get. I like words, wicked words at times. My situation with Rob, in the end, to me, was the biggest mistake Ive made. If only for knowing what I knew, and sticking around. Regardless, it was a mistake and I want it erased from my memory if possible. I know its not, therefore I carry on. But this rant is about the twisted and bitter side at the same time. When I tell a story, a fable or tale on this blog, there, more than likely, will be some reference to Rob. As well, each entry is taken with a grain of salt and a sharp twisted wit. Unfortunately, feeling as I do towards him, certain vulgarities are thrown in the mix. I do, in all honesty, hate Rob, part of that is due to myself. Anyways, in my colorful way I get down right awful. Friends have told me that I "hate", because I am not over Rob. This astounds me really, but I let it go. As Ive mentioned many times, the minute Rob admitted to "activities" behind my back, it was pretty much finished. Of course a few weeks passed before I pulled myself together, and the rest is "blog" history. That's how we get to, today. Of course Rob crosses my mind, almost everyday I'd say, but usually if he does cross my mind, its in a negative form. Things like watching a talk show, and something reminding me of Rob, or a situation, is usually what spawns another entry. It could be twice a day or one every other week. Life is comfortable for me right now, I like it and wouldn't change it. But what I experienced will stay with me the rest of my days. To be cheated on, lied too by someone you thought would be with you forever, to being gone, in a slam of the door, hard to forget and definitely to forgive. Forgiveness is no where in the equation. There is no equation. I remember writing that "Good-bye" letter to Rob, I recall sobbing with pretty much every line. Every line I wrote, I felt. That to me was powerful to me. I remember telling friends at lunch, how I wrote, "...I'm a broken boy...". I truly was. I my world was shattered. Though I have a few more pieces to pick up, I'm trying my hardest to enjoy each and every day. Today I have nothing good to say about Rob. Although the vile things I write down are vile, there is truth in those words. I, unfortunately don't like that person at all, in any way and has cause no void in my life. In fact, I have my life back. The way I want to go about things. No compromise because what little compromise I made in that relationship, I did it for nothing. I don't play victim. I play, I am, happy. Life isn't perfect, but with no Rob, and life flowing as it has been, I really cant complain. I'm not as awful as I'm sure this blog has made me sound, or as angry. I'm no longer angry, I mean really, angry and holding a grudge all this time? I don't have that time or interest really. I could honestly care less what is going on in his life, the less I hear, the better. This experience has made me a slightly different person, someone, bitter and twisted...it's a good thing
x

Rob's Sick!!

Well Spring is here and spring brings on new beginnings, which is exactly what this blog is about. I keep joking to friends that this is "mating" season, the start of new things, in many different ways. My life has changed in the last couple of months and for the most part, for the good. Of course being a single man, living alone in the big city sometimes brings moments of "blah", not in a negative way, more of whats to come, thinking and wanting. I dont really think I want all that much. A simple easy life with good people. Since ridding my life of Rob, its pretty much fallen in that direction, thankfully. I am gonna figure out when I actually threw that slime ball(Rob) out of my life and celebrate my 1 year anniversary of being alone. Alone in a good way. As I mentioned before in earlier posts, no more drama in my life. I want to celebrate my new beginning. I want to go out and show the world that I did do it, I was able and I had no need for Rob in my life. I hate that it took me as long as it did, again, years wasted. But furthermore, its more wasteful on Robs end as he got the short end of the stick. Befriending such trash as himself, is nothing to be proud of and he shouldnt be. I was thinking the other day as it seems to be getting nicer outdoors, how I would love to see Rob, not cuz I miss him at all, but to call him a "disgusting faggot" that he is to his face. I wonder if he wonders how I am today, in regards to him. If I would Be in the same room as him, cuz thats not how it is. Every time I smile and laugh I want him to hate his life more, thats what I think of. How I hope that, that cough he had when we broke up has sweltered into a full on smokers cough with no fixing. How I hope his health deteriorates as he was always older than his actual age. In the way he acted and lived, so health should follow next. How he had no balls to do anything manly in life over all. His misconception of twisted happiness had made him crash. Yea I am bitter and twisted about the whole situation but not sad about it to say the least. I love the fact that there is only one thing I hate in life and that is Rob. Everything else is all sunshine and roses. My friendships, new and old, living, working, being independent. Im glad Ive learned to travel alone when I need to. Having Rob on holiday with my cramped my style, in the sense that, he didnt really want to do anything, hell we didnt even shag on holiday, this is how lame he was, is and more than likely will always be, unless its with one of his tricks. I can see Rob "buying" love, sex, friendships. Thats what a sad creature he is. It goes back to being disgusting as he is. I dont have any fears of being alone, in any way, as Ive said I have good friends and good family. Rob has neither and doesnt deserve it.I know Rob will be an old perv that should be locked up when the day comes. He will play pedophile as thats all he will be able to get, throwing a few dollars in little boys direction. He used to talk about brothers getting it on, twins, thats sick, it shows how mental his thought are. Theres a difference between erotic and sick, Rob's sick - nuff said - too be cont'd, as always

x

My Friend, I Truely Love

The other night I went to see a show with some co workers. It started off with dinner and some drinks before heading out to the theatre. The show itself I could have done without...The night though was fun. While en route to the restaurant, chatting to a co worker I hardly deal with on a social level, she made some reference to happiness. I said to her "I'm completely happy", she was puzzled. Now this co worker has no idea of the last few years of my life, any of my life really. Anyways, she was surprised at my "happiness". Ive said it time and time again on this blog, that the last few months have been pretty much, pure bliss. I don't really have many/any troubles in my life these days which is great. I have my friends and meet more along the way. There is my one friend who I spoke about in an entry a few weeks back. We had had an intense conversation one morning. He(my friend), bumped into me in the early hours of the morning as I sipped my morning java. The conversation started with a "good morning/good evening" as we are currently in opposite hemispheres. Regardless we caught up on what was new etc. My friend went on to tell me how he "missed me loads" - which always puts a smile on my face. My friend is probably one of the sexiest men Ive ever met, so to know he misses me, makes me all warm inside :) - He told me his next adventure would be to my side of the planet, the great white north. He went on to tell me of his attraction to me, from day one that we met, which sorta took me back, but that attraction was on my part even before we met, face to face. I went on to tell him, that he could crash at my place, no need to look for accommodations and that my sofa was more than comfortable enough. He shot back, "Fuck that, I want to share your bed, lay next to you"...I was a bit shocked but then my mind wanders. My friend, in chat alone, makes me feel something I haven't felt in years, something Rob lost in me years ago. Hearing or knowing someone wants to spend that time with me, someone like my friend, is so odd to me,but so welcomed. He(my friend) goes on to tell me how has thought of me over the years, how he wished when we met that more had happened, and that I found strange yet erotic. My friend didn't want me to leave when we actually met and trust me when I say I was a hair away from staying. Being responsible, I didn't and we have kept in touch, in many ways through out the years. He tells me he loves me and I'm the best friend hes had, how its been 4-5 years that we have stayed in touch and how i mean the world to him. Rob would utter those words as well, but knowing long ago how Rob betrayed me and hurt me, meant his words were empty, they meant nothing. The words my friend speaks to me, writes to me, mean much more. His words are genuine. Its not the first time my friend has told me this. Now I'm not gearing towards a relationship, that's not what this is about. Sure there is an immense physical attraction between the two of us but I can't commit to anyone now, not even my friend who is probably the sexiest man Ive ever met in 39 years on this earth. The thought of waking up next to my friend though is one that puts a smile on my face, puts a spring in my step and a start to a good day. I met this friend while I was with Rob, but things were dead between us and nothing happened while Rob and I were together. I may be over to see my friend before he makes his way here to Canada and that's something I would put some effort into as he is incredible in so many ways. He is so much more a man than Rob was again, in so many ways. Though the miles separate us, his "undying love"(his words) for me, makes me happy I am where I am. Although undying love, is an exaggeration on my friend part, I don't think I ever had that with Rob, he never had it for me and Ive lost it for him. Ive washed Rob right out of my hair and give myself an applause for ridding that disease from my existence. My friend is beautiful, sexy and likes me, I wont use love, but yes he likes me allot and that feeling could not be had with Rob, especially that last few years. I was beating a dead horse thinking he would be, could be the man I spent the rest of my days with - not a chance. My friend on the other hand would be someone I could. Going to sleep at night with thoughts of him, make me sleep with a smile on my face. Its all fantasy to an extent, but fantasy I never had with Rob. My friend is the best and I wish I had met him 15+ years ago and not wasting my time as I did with Rob. My friend makes me smile and makes me happy. My friend, I truly love.
x

Queer Living is Good Again!

Friday night in the city, and I am awaiting a cab ride to the "village", the queer drag in the city. For years, many years, I was dead set against going down there, hanging out there. In recent month, in attempts to meet other "normal" people, the meeting point is somewhere, usually in the so called, village. Its funny sitting here waiting and thinking how its different. Now I dont find the village the place to hang out. There are gay bars on that stretch and thats what I do now, its where I venture. Im more comfortable going these days. I think its primarily the company. Going down with cool guy, guys where there are 0 expectations and a good time can be had. Years back, with Rob in my life, my views on many things, were blurred. I still dont support actions such as gay marriage and the support for a vast majority of the "community" as I dont believe in their causes. Regardless, those views havent changed, but going to the part of town where a queer boy, such as myself, can go and have a few drink with friend is nice. Its not the seedy picture that was painted, to me, by Rob. Rob made me hate all fags, like they were all like him, so the village, was the worst place. I think Rob deep down inside wanted to hang with "his people", those views, his views of the queer society and mine were night and day. People, some people today, have shown me a good time, without the seediness that Rob lived. This posting is being continued AFTER friday day and a great time was had. There are times I feel slightly uncomfortable, but I carry on, I dont let it bother me. There will always be 2 different queer lifestyles. The type that Rob led and will most likely carry on through the rest of his days, and ones like me, who arent all about a shag and a darkroom or countless encounters of the queer kind. As Ive mentioned before, a few of the guys Ive met have shown me a different type of "night out". Ive also said before that Ive wasted many years in the squalor that was "relationship" with Rob. In explaining to my friend, the reason my relationship ended, was kind of therapeutic. I like letting people know that I was cheated on. Flat out thats what it is, that is the history that took place. It cant be changed or explained any different. When my friend went into details, or asked me for them, he was kind of shocked. Im intelligent, he said, how or why would I let that happen, time and time again. The simple fact was that Rob, just used me. I could careless how he would explain our time, good and bad together, it was all a sham. Im proud of my time, with Neil, my first love, Im proud and enjoyed my time with Doug. My time with Rob is something I look back at with disgust. Queer living is more fun these days, being free of scandal. Free of lies and mistrust, free of living in fear of what I didnt know. Living now, with pretty much no drama has had a positive effect on me. I dont bitch any longer about things I bitched about, even a year back. Queer living without Rob, is how it should have been back in the 90's. I have my time back, I have my life back and queen living is good again -
x

Faceless Strangers -

Its nothing new to anyone who knows me that I use the Internet to meet new people. Not for a "hook up" or a shag, I'm not wired that way. I use it to meet friends. Ive met a few real cool guys that I'm happy to have met - There are how ever some things that will not make me meet, or chat for that matter with certain "chatters" -
I have profiles all over the place. I'm an Internet whore in the sense that I sign up on way too many sites, yet stick to the one or two that I like. Let's face it, one thing Rob brought to my attn, loud and clear, is that 98% of people on these sites, as well as phone lines are out for one thing. I did the phone line thing back before the Internet. Rob has gone that route again as I found out. Regardless...via the phone chats, it is a complete mystery, the faceless strangers who call these lines late at night, such as Rob, I find repulsive. The messages they post are vulgar and vile. NEVER when I used the phone lines did I respond to any such "greeting" - Admittedly I met Rob off one called, XTC - One I met Rob I never went that avenue ever again, being the committed one of the 2, I stopped, Rob carried on for years and thru til this day. I don't understand how people do these things. I had spoken to Rob for months, 5-6, before meeting and even that, we met in a club, me with my friends and him with his..it progressed from there but a base of a "friendship" was formed, the rest is history. Anyways, today in the age of the Internet we have chats, video chats etc. Now like I said, last time I saw Rob was in May of last year, although I saw Rob showing of the family jewels, in July of last year on the Web...was gross really, thinking back. I use the web to network, I suss people out. Ive gotten good at ignoring the ones who are after one thing. I, like I said have photos up, nothing rude, nothing revealing, maybe one risque one but there was a reason behind my madness for said photos :). Moving on...there are allot of faceless strangers on the web, Rob being one of them. Chatter who post photos of their asses and crotch shots, speedo shots, pics with them and their dildo, of them shagging others, sometimes pics that arent even of them, this does nothing but repulse me. You could be so into chatting to me, have a pic like that and I don't chat to you, I wont! - Your ass shot is not exactly what I'm looking for. I'm looking to broaden my social network. One chatter insists, has been insisting for about 4 months now that we meet. I refuse, why? No pic, I'm not going to a cafe/pub/bar and have them know what I look like and me, not know them...not happening. He sounds like a great guy in every way, but no pic, no "encounter". Rob is one of these people, whether it be the phone lines or on line - he is a faceless strange. That is something I cant stand. If I have put my pic out and about on the WWW, anyone can. Ive got the lowest self esteem from anyone I know, and again, Ive accepted things about myself, therefor allowing me to show myself, my face that is to others who could be, would be and have been potential friends.
Tonight I am venturing out with one of the first guys I met last summer. He is a great guy, good looking, childish thingamajig about him but an all around good guy. When I get together with him or others Ive met like him, it makes me realize, its not all sleaze out there...not all trash, most yea, without a doubt are trash, Rob included. People like my friend, like myself, who go out and enjoy the company of other queers and have 0 expectations is such a nice feeling, and the genuine laughter is a beautiful way to end my weekend. I'm looking forward to getting together with my friend in a few hours and bid adieu to those faceless strangers who think they have a chance at anything -
x

Sexual Encounters Of The Real Kind

Well the title may sound juicer than what I'm about to write, but who can say, where in the end this will lead...Yes this will open me to utter humiliation, but of a different kind. As I'm writing this now, I wonder..will I actually upload this posting ha ha. Anyways, On a physical, rather, intimate matter, it was an odd "life". Of course like any "fling", the beginning is when its most intense, it always is. The question there in lies...when do things change? I guess for about the first 4-5 years, sex was good to alright. Rob wasnt as "versatile" as I am, that statement brings on a slew of question, but ill spill that thought in another entry. Rob was keen on specifics, more of an oral fixation of sorts...and more so in the beginning. At one point, after a vacation together, Rob and I split, of his doing. Probably a sign? We got back together again, after a brief, very brief, split. Again in the beginning, and I mean the first few days if weeks...It(intimacy) started to slide. It was ok in that moment cuz I was back with the person I wanted to be with, at that time. It took us 5 years to get to more into "intercourse" of sorts. That was fine with me, with diseases out there, and my knowing of Robs very colorful past. There was never any mention of going "all the way" prior, protection or otherwise. When we started having full on sex 5 years in, it was unprotected. Dumb on my part now, as if I was as certain back then, as I was years later about his messing around, that would never have happened. Regardless, it became habit. Rob was strange in the sexual realm, when it came to touching his body. It was difficult to have Rob let go of "himself", it was difficult to touch Rob in certain erogenous zone, making them useless really. I, on the other hand have no issues(yet) with anything sexual Ive tried or "experimented" with. I dont mind being dominant or docile in bed, while being intimate. I rather, go with the flow, I let it happen as it happens. I can be the romantic, passive shag, or the complete opposite. Ive played both with a few of my recent "conquests", I can pick up "roles" :) Rob on the other hand, was set to his minimal ways. Which again, I dont understand? I was the top in my time with Rob, but was open to trying other things. I tried to flip roles with Rob and he almost broke down. I recall talking about having sex outdoors, on one of our summer holidays up north - fell on deaf ears pretty much. He was worried of people seeing/watching...thats part of the thrill out there, along with being out in mother nature - it didnt fly with Rob, I actually have video of this, sad to watch really, back to, pathetic. In the end sex got so bad, that 2 years before we split, we had sex 5 times, the year before we split, sex, not once. Not one single time. At times I would think that he was out cheating on me with phone tricks, how else would anyone explain the massive gaps between sexual trysts? All my friends, not some, ALL, dont understand how, 2 men, always together, NEVER had sex? At some points, I would have those thoughts and that sparked thoughts of, "I dont want his hands on me", "whose cock has he sucked?" and "I dont want to kiss him" and so on...I tried so hard at times, Rob didnt pickup on anything. I was to feel so unattractive, I think to a certain point, let myself go a bit. Being on my own, having to, wanting to look and feel my best, I finally feel somewhat attractive, not hot by any means, not good looking, but Im ok with my looks for the time being. There have been a few men, in the short time Ive been on my own, that have made me feel so desirable, so sexual - theyve sparked something in me. Something I know I missed out on. Rob hadnt made me feel like that, alive, in so long. I was done with that years ago. Being touched and being made to feel attractive and sexual is fantastic and I missed it. Having someone next to me, who wanted to spend that time together, both feeling special and like there is no one else in this world, is something I know I deserve. Although having had been with Rob for the better part of 15 years, he really didnt really make me feel alive. I feel more alive, more sexual and attractive, in the last 6 months than I had felt in the last 10+ years with Rob. Ive had sexual encounters of the real kind -
x

I Gained ALOT

In re-reading some of the postings on here, the one titled, "Rob lost allot" - makes me think of the opposite..Rob lost allot, the question then is, "Did I gain allot, if anything"? -
The answer, I gained ALLOT.
When I was with Rob, as in any relationship you compromise things. Rob has always said, or in the later years possibly, that I compromised nothing. For that I was resentful, still am really. I changed my life allot to accommodate my relationship, though he doesn't understand how? My life before Rob wasn't what my life was when I got with him. After the first few years, our social life became dismal, almost non existent. I remember going to a show with him, in Feb 2009 or so, it was a matinee, I made the joke that, we hadn't been out in daylight, downtown, in a long long time, to which he laughed, as he knew it was true. Regardless, like any habit, you get used to it. Our evening social life was more dismal than our daylight hour adventures. These days, I go out when I want to go out. I would be dragged down, into not going out by Rob, the excuses always seemed valid, now I realize the excuses were dumb, where a waste of my life in this apt. I remember saying to Rob, that my life could not be the inners of 2 Regal Rd, I couldn't let that be. Again these days, I venture out at my leisure. Late nights, out or in, are more fun these days. Rob always had this thing, that things had to be "proper" by his standards regardless of the situation, that became tiresome, quickly, considering he didnt live "proper". One thing, as Ive mentioned before that has changed in my life is the insecure feelings Ive had when I was with Rob. Ive always had reason, from early on in the relationship, to feel threatened, jealous, insecure and betrayed. As always they say, "love is blind" and I can attest to that. After we had officially split, the first time, I took vacations alone. I was asked, "How could you go away without me, not ask me?" - Valid question I will say. Ive told many people that I'm on my own schedule when I go away and didn't want to drag anyone with me...unless they were able to be on their own, or follow my gallivanting around. But what kills me, is that Rob asked that question when I went to London, last May(2009), he made it sound as if his "partner" was going without him, only to find that he had another agenda. His phone bill would prove that, so in retrospect, I don't understand why he would want to come with me? What game was he playing? What game did he think he could play with me? I remember him saying once, that his "partner" would not be traveling without him, he would not tolerate that. I recall thinking of my other "coupled" friends, who had gone on separate holidays, with out the "old ball and chain" - This was shunned upon with Rob. Somehow that wasn't OK, but to have him mess around behind my back was? Was that only until he got caught, then it was a different story? He was a major hypocrite that way. Rob is a spoiled child, he may not see it but he is or was at least while I knew him. Daddy paid for insurance among many other things...a man in his 40's(Rob) had daddy pay?? PATHETIC! Mum and dad spoiled him and for some reason, he thought life would always be easy, that he would always get what he wanted. Not the case. His words of, "I cant imagine life without you" now fall on deaf ears. Those words were used as long as Rob got away with being unfaithful through til 2007 and afterwards when things seemed to be going back to the way they were, us as a couple. He thought he could play the smart ass by telling me "I didn't know we were together", this was during the 2008/2009 period together. Well he seemed to forget the fact that when he wanted my company in a physical way he got it with me, came to me. Was I playing his "trick" when the phone calls to the sex chats went dead? When he didnt manage a "hook up"? Robs always known that that wasnt my style, my kind of lifestyle, yet he used me that way. So the fact that Im no longer someones play thing is refreshing. Im not sure if he wanted me to sit here in this apt to amuse him and then leave when on the hunt for trash? Well he should have known better. Ive never liked his lifestyle before he met me. I remember calling him a "whore" shortly before I kicked him out. His response was "Im not a whore" - my rebuttal, "Yes you are admit it, it makes life easier, denial is the worst thing" - How little I knew what a whore he really was with me. Thoughts of that repulse me as Ive said time and time again. He is a disgusting human being. I cant even believe I was involved with someone like that. How could I be such an idiot?? He was trash back in the day, he still is trash...I dont associate myself with such pathetic creatures. He once said in Italian, he said it a few times, "I disgust you" - Yea you do. When I would make comments, especially near the end, they were all heart felt insults. Insults that came from within me, that I wanted to say for years. Yes you disgust me, in ever imaginable way. The thought of his lips on mine, in weak moments, now disgust me more. How his vile hands touched my body, his fake words in weak moments, horrible. I gained an experience that I never want to relive with anyone ever again. I think he broke my trust to the point where, there is none of that with anyone..That will change in time, I know it will. Life is easier today. Franco's lifestyle is fun, honest living. Freedom to be Franco, 100%. Not a life of misery and lies and hurt. I havent been hurt by anyone as much as Rob hurt me, scarred by such a pathetic human being. Im so over it, so grateful for my life today. Sans Rob, the skies are clear, the future is promising and every day is a good time. No worries of non sense, of head games that were played on me for 10+ years. Im living an honest life now completely. Hate is reserved for the one and only and again, to my dying, last breath. I gained allot!!
x

Rob is dead....to me

Its funny how not all these posts are brought on by memories of Rob, but more likely it is situations which i end up comparing to that whore, my life with that whore. While twitter has made it into the mainstream cyber world, there are a few minor celebrities I follow. You will see the correlation with where this is going. Anyways, one of these minor celebs I follow is a fellow queer who made it slightly big being on a reality show. While on the show I took a liking to his personality, sweetness, innocence and look, I'm simple and weird that way. Regardless, I follow. Anyways its fun to see his life change, how celebrity status grows. As the months have passed, this reality queer celeb had been approached to do gay porn. Though I can understand the dollar factor, I don't understand or think I would do something like that as its not in my nature. In following this "celeb", Ive googled to get to know more of him...What seemed to be a nice little country boy, is in fact a country ho....It seems as these few months have passed, with his star shining a little bright, he has been interviewed and shed some light about himself, his past etc. Now while on the program, he played a sweet little thing, in reality he is one to be bragging about sleeping with over 300 men and what not. That right there is enough for me to turn something off within myself, to repulse me. Why faggots feel the need to exploit themselves, their private lives is beyond me, I am so not like that, and thank goodness for that. The correlation, as you can see, is how Rob would try and come across as this sweet boy, when in fact he was nothing of the sort. As Ive mentioned before, years ago when we were just "friends" and going out to cafes etc, Rob would point out those he slept with...Is this something really to be proud of? Id say no in fact its something more of a tragedy. I talk allot of shit and what not, what I don't do is brag about people Ive shared intimate moments with, the amount of people Ive slept with, its no ones business, its not the most important thing Ive done and its not the driving force in my life, never has been. To say Ive lost respect for this minor celebrity would be odd as I only know him through twitter, to me he isn't real, he is a past time. Although this celeb had a million dollar smile and is gorgeous, something is different, as if I follow him now, with a different attitude. He is just a celebrity whore, just a whore and becoming a big one at that as I read on. All this is exactly the same as how I see Rob. I don't wish as Ive said before to have people like that in my life...not my real life, my everyday life. I have a friend, who lives in the USA who was possibly still is a whore, its all good, we are "cyber pen pals" - but he has asked me in the past, "You think you are better than me?", this in regards to not being into the "hook up" scene, I have no hesitation to respond, "yes I am". I am better than him, I am better than this minor, cyber celeb, and I am better than Rob. As a human being, as a man, as a loving caring, honest person, yes I am. These people have a different kind of wiring within themselves. Mine is set to old fashioned and I like it that way, its how I am and I am proud!
While in a shop the other day...a shop that requires a membership, which Rob and I purchased a few years back, I had to give an old phone number to look up my acct. Robs name popped into the system...I told the clerk, "He is dead, remove that name." - People, guys who are similar to the above mentioned, are just that, or become just that, dead to me, non existent, not worthy of much in life, Rob is worthy of nothing. Ive said it before and Ill say it again and til my last breath, Rob is dead to me...I use usually the final line in my blog blurb as my "title" to every entry as of late, so the headline would look great, unfortunately it isn't true just yet that,
Rob is dead to me....if only it were the truth - that he was dead -
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My Bad Habit's Been Cured!

Well watching an interview the other day with a well known queer celebrity, he was quoted as saying. "if you can laugh at yourself, you're winning half the battle" - this was in regards to queer living. I have to say the last few weeks have been a fun ride, not necessarily with going out or meeting people etc...but just a positive attitude, a good attitude. Its a nice feeling to feel happy and content...after years of the complete opposite. One thing I have no issue with is people laughing with me or at me. Really I could care less...If I gave a shit at what people thought about me, Id side comb my hair, grow in my eyebrows and blend in with normal society, not going to happen. One thing Rob never like was, me or anyone for that matter, drawing any attn in our or his direction. That is something that has never bothered me and don't think ever will. Ive gotten more ballsy as the months have passed, glaring at people who are taken by my look, my brows, my accessories, whatever it may be. I must say, Ive said to a few people, "I'm surprised I haven't gotten my face punched in" but think that has to do with my "bad ass attitude" that I give off. I mean its not even intentional ha ha. While cruising along the street, in any country for that matter, Rob always hated if anyone looked in our direction for whatever reason. I'm glad to say that with him gone, I have all the attn to myself. I don't do anything to purposely have people look at me, I just make myself up the way I feel I look better. I think Robs insecurities and low self esteem, at the time, while we were together, brought on this "fear" of having people look at us, or me for that matter. I remember Rob, years ago, about a year and half or so into our relationship, breaking up with me, for wearing make up, which I used to wear allot more of, in my younger years. When he met me, it was in a nightclub, and me, fully made up..and probably drunk ha ha. Thinking back to those day, I remember the countless weekends we would go out, before we got together as a couple, how Rob would play games with me, even before we became to gruesome twosome. Taking off on him, screaming at him and making it known that even then, he was messing with my head. Those days are gone. Those days are erased as Ive mentioned. I am again happy with myself,. Happy with my life as is. I wouldn't change a single thing today. Freedom of a new sort is how I'm living my life these days. I mentioned how when I first kicked him out how time was my enemy, now there isn't enough....how things have changed. Its funny after I wrote that last statement, I realised, my folks kicked me out of the house at 18/19 for being a "wild child", that my parents couldn't handle...funny how I repeated my parents actions against Rob. I threw him out, for being something I didn't want in my home, in my life. I think for a while when my parents locked me out, they had a bit of a break...after kicking Rob out, I, in time, realised that I too had rid myself of a horrible "cancer" in my life. After the healing took place, ran its course, life was brighter. It was almost like being a heroin/crack addict. Living without Rob was horrendous at first until I realised, thru his words, that it was all wrong, what I was living was wrong. Just like an addict, once the chemical is out of your system, its a matter of time to heal. That's how I dealt with it and today the skies are blue, the sun shines bright and I see the world with clear eyes. A new life which I am enjoying - Finally, without Rob!
My bad habit's been cured!
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