The Curse is Broken...

For years, Halloween with Rob was short of colorful. I dont rememeber much that we did for Halloween, with the exception of the last few, while on rocky grounds, at a friends home. Other than that, Hallowen was spent at home. More for the lack of social skills Rob has/had. I wonder if he will again, do nothing and hide from the world outside. I remember whenever we would go out, and not in a social setting, rather, out to run errands, or shopping, which was all our social life consisted of. His worry was if we should bump into someone. That always left me baffled as, there was no outside life? Who could he possibly bump into?? He has no friends, no real friends that is. If I think about it now, he probably didnt want to bump into one of his tricks and getting caught red handed, it was already too late... Its the only "people" he should have been worried about bumping into really. It was funny how, the few times I went on holidays alone, I was told of his adventures out with friends. Whenever we were together, if we went out, our evening ended fairly early. But when I wasnt in the picture, whether it be a work function or a social function, he would be out all hours. Returning home at 2, 3 in the morning. I remember after my first solo adventure abroad, upon my return I was told of his going out with a few friends of ours to a queer watering hole...we NEVER did that in the last 10 years, and we didnt after hearing that...I remember questioning him, why dont we ever do that..why dont we go out...More thank likely, he couldnt not do what he really wanted to do when we were together, especially at some queer venue...Could it be cuz he couldnt do as he wished in my presence? Not that he could with our common friends, but he was free when I wasnt around. It baffles me, the life I lead considerin how much more fun it is these days. Without a thought of missing or wantin to see him again, Im free as ever. I can have fun, not worry about where I go, no fear of running into anyone as he would feel anytime we would step out...even to the local mall. With me in the picture, he would pass out at 8pm, maybe 9...though when he would leave, or I was away, he somehow found the energy to be up til 4am chatting and meeting fellow slags...He called this "boredom", how nice to hear...how nice to find out about his lies...and how genuine of him...to lie about it.
Halloween has now come and gone and a nice time was had, nicer than the last couple of years together. Last year, for New Years, having had a rough couple of weeks prior, I opted to spend New Years alone...It was a bit odd, and in the end I had a nice time, even alone. I made the choice to do seperate things, to break the bond, to break the habit of, "me". Not sure how it will pan out this year, BUT I know that I dont need him to have a good time, rather he opposite, with him, there was no fun, The curse is broken.
x

Rob = Promiscuous

While chatting to a faceless creature on the web the other night, I was asked to get together with him. I refused. Rob, as I know him, would have met up, as he done so for many years now, with many faceless strangers. Somehow over the phone, he is comfortable enough to meet other promiscuous, disgusting queers as himself. I don't understand that at all, I'm just not wired that way. This "chatter" told me how he had gone to a bath house and got screwed by 3 different guys. So apart from my not meeting "faceless strangers", I definitely don't meet up with promiscuous people. This chatter said, "how do u know I'm promiscuous"...I responded with, "you just told me, u went out, and got fucked by 3 guys in one night, that is promiscuous." - That ended that chat, thankfully.
Rob, is equally as promiscuous and to me, of all people, he denies it, flat out lies. Considering the history we had, that should be the last thing he should do, deny. Apart from the fact that he was in a relationship, yet meeting other guys when he left my place, still makes him promiscuous. He doesn't see that. I'm not sure which dictionary he uses, but considering he has an English degree, he certainly should know the meaning of, promiscuous or promiscuity. He doesn't, well not with himself. His father, as I mentioned, unfortunately messed around behind his mothers back...so this would lead me to believe that Rob IS wired that way. His brother, again as Ive mentioned before, IS wired that way as well with hookers and nasty slags in the picture, prior to settling down. I have my suspicions that even though married, he is cheating behind his wife's back, but that is only due to things Ive heard, around the "dinner" table and such.
Back on the chat show front, they always say, "once a cheat, always a cheat" and Rob is living proof of that. They don't change. Rob, to me, is the poster child of promiscuity. Ive had other "loose friends" in days gone by, but never to Rob's extreme. Again, I never deny, the odd one night stand here or there, while single, but never once I was with someone. Rob, in my opinion, will never find happiness as most homosexuals are promiscuous by nature, its in them when they enter this world and explore it more as adults. Promiscuous people are the lowest of low to me. I don't understand that lifestyle and never will. Sneaky promiscuous people, such as Rob, are even one level lower. Its funny how the "trait" of promiscuosness, can truly destroy friendships, solid friendships, its sad at the same time. Rob hopefully has learned not to be involved with people on a one to one level as he cannot handle it. Rob will be infested with disease at some point. As I mentioned the numerous "infections", "cold sores(herpes?)", while I was still in the picture. So a sad promiscuous existence is what he has to live for..is that worth it?

Is there a real answer?...Nope!

While at home the other day, watching daytime TV, I came across some chat show. They had a segment on why men cheat. I'm always interested in these, to see if someone can actually give a good answer. There isn't one at all, I just like to see what the individuals on these programs have to say. Their view on this matter. It was mainly focused on celebrity infidelities, but in the end, we are all the same, men and women who trust and believe that they are with their one and only, and think that our partners feel the same. Not so in these cases or mine. I remember finding it strange when Rob and I took our first holiday to the Caribbean island of St Maarten. I always look back at things Rob and I did together with a completely different meaning now. He had a book called "Spartacus", which detailed gay "places" around the globe. He wanted to go hunting for this queer bar on the island. I was sort of opposed to it, being a strange queer in a strange land, but off we went in the dark of the night. The club or bar no longer existed and we were brought to a water front boardwalk, which i was pleased about. At that point in our lives, Rob and I had started to hang out at home as opposed to going out for fun, so his hunt for a queer venue was strange. But I was around and there was nothing he could do...but I think this was probably the start of Rob trying to see what else is out there...what else he could attain, all the while with me in the picture.
Had our relationship, that early on, been a sour one, I could almost forgive the infidelities, IF he had let me go. Like I mentioned in past posts, I told Rob many times, that if he wanted to screw around, let me go. I gave the option. He didn't want to hurt me as he told me back then, so he tried to do it behind my back. Little did he know how I was one step behind him and usually one ahead of him at the same time. As far as I'm concerned Rob had no reason to be unfaithful to me, but his queer DNA dictated otherwise. For this sole reason, we should NOT have been together. As the weeks and months have passed, about 5 months now, as Ive mentioned numerous times, I didn't deserve what Rob did to me, and if anything, he didn't warrant having me as a boyfriend or a friend for that matter. The one thing I love about myself, is that when Ive found these "loves", I was truly committed. I didn't seek anything else other that spending all my time with them. Wanting to be with them, in every way. Thoughts of being unfaithful never came to me. Its not how I am, it isn't what I signed up for when I decided to commit to someone, whether it be Rob, Neil, Doug or the few others I dated. At this point in my life, I don't date or let anyone into my life, other than a fun night out. Rob ruined my trust factor. He destroyed thoughts of queer life as I couldn't possibly be like him, in any way. His personality, his real personality is of a selfish nature, a deceiving nature and who really needs or wants that? Talk about queer baggage...and to think years back, Rob would tell me to my face that I had too much baggage, that was what delayed our hooking up, my baggage, yet I was good for a a shag? I am so blatantly honest with the men Ive been with, friends or otherwise. Rob and me are night and day. I have a fairly clean record and that's something Rob can never say. I'm selfish today, like I told fellow queers, its all about me and no one else. Near the end of my time with Rob, is when I started taking that attitude, did I need to explain myself to someone so horrid in personality. What makes Robs personality as selfish as it is, is the fact that he is, and never has been, the real Rob, unless it was late at night, sneaking in a blow job behind my back, or a filthy shag with an equally disgusting queer as himself. Then coming back to me...I know I didn't deserve that, and that's one of my saving graces. Its almost embarrassing these days to detail what I put up with, the 16 years I knew Rob, are a total embarrassment, humiliating, oh his end. I think he was more pleased that we lasted as long as we did, as most queer relationships didn't. I was just a number, not a person. I am more intelligent than that, was I blinded,...yea. I, in a strange way would like to see Rob, to see what he would have to say, but my worry isn't what I would hear, but rather what I would do. I'm curious, in a strange way to know what kind of life he has today. Without even knowing, I know my life, is a million times better than his. I have honest friend who know the real me, family that knows all about me in every way. Rob lives his life as a lie and only I can confirm that, as the rest, he has pulled the wool over their eyes. I'm not that stupid...Rob thought otherwise...and as usual, he lost out on true friendship. The lyrics, "love is a lonely without you", I can now confirm, isnt really true. Im happy with myself. Life is not lonely for me, with or without love. I dont crave it, with another man at least. Its about time, that I live for me, and only me.
x

Housewives of Regal Rd...

Its funny how you never realise how many people know you, know of you or or just notice you on a day to day basis. Over the last few weeks, Ive had more people come up to me in regards to my last relationship, with Rob,asking his whereabouts etc. More people have asked me in the last 3 weeks or so, than they did when I would walk the streets with glossy eyes, a puffy nose and bags under my eyes...Today for example on my way in, this fellow queer who lives on my floor, asked me almost in excitement, "wheres your partner?, I haven't seen him for a while." I told her we were through and I got the "sooo sorry" bit. I told her "it's his loss, lying, cheating, is not what I'm about - I'm over it", I finished our chat with, "its all about me now and nothing or no one else". She said, I had a great attitude and that I looked great. I loved that, I can get that even after a gross days work, like today. A few weeks back, while doing laundry, I bumped into a few of the "housewives" of Regal Rd. Chats were started in regards to laundry and then more personal subjects such as work, the news, Michael Jackson(at the time) and so on...
They eventually asked about Rob. I was waiting for it, as these are people I see on a more regular basis within the confines of Regal Rd. Again I told them we had split in every way. I heard one say, "he was a nice guy". The other one caught me rolling my eyes, which I thought was hilarious. Anyways, one of the ladies said, "no??". The older of the 2 there, said how she had broken up due to her suspicions that her partner was being unfaithful. I kinda smiled, and said, "same here". I think they were more interested, in a "housewives" way, you know...gossip. So I obliged, I love the gossip scene. I didn't go into the details the lay within these pages, it was more of a watered down version. But as always, its funny to see reactions, and hear what they have to say. Most people have said, "i didn't think he was like that at all...?"
Its interesting to me how people's opinions switch when they find out certain things. Their perception of Rob was wrong, or so Ive been told. Its never exploitative, if that's a word. Its just me telling history, there's nothing wrong with that. The "housewives" chat was a fun one, 3 "girls", storytelling. Interesting to hear about others, you can sort of judge your own life, next to theirs. I talk to much about my own life, my past, including suicide attempts when I was younger, crazy things Ive done etc, with not a bit of embarrassment or thought of what others may think of me. I guess I'm comfortable with my past at least. I'm not easily embarrassed but at the same time, its never really bothered me what others may think of me, its not a thought in my head. Love me, like me or leave me, that's up to the individual. If Rob knew what others, or certain people think of him now, I think he would crawl under a rock as Rob has never been able to take any negative criticism, or any in general. He tries to be picture perfect but fails miserably.
x

Guilty Pleasures...

This post I have a feeling is going to go all over the place, so bare with me.
Firstly, it was brought to my attn a few months back that this blog was turning up in search results, when you keyed in Rob's full name. I made all the necessary changes, removing his surname from any posting etc. Out of interest this morning, to see if my blog turned up in search..it does ha ha. I made my changes but for whatever reason, google/blogger still turn up results to this blog. No more that I can do for that ha ha. Oh well, its still cool to know that if anyone "googles" him, the truth about him pops up.
Moving on...the other day clearing, and how appropriate is this, the "trash" folder on my email. I found an email from Rob...it was an email communication shortly after I sent my "letter of closure". We had a brief email exchange after that, for a few days, before I decided to end all communications. Anyways, the email from rob, mentioned how, in his opinion, that "i am doing everything and anything to hurt him" how he was at the time, "sooo confused" according to him. Now, months later, this I had to laugh at, for a few reasons. Firstly, "hell has no fury as a, Franco, scorned" or whatever that saying is...I will totally admit to trying to drive him crazy. No it wasn't to hurt him, it was to annoy him, the things I did. I wanted to and still hopes he goes mad. I think(though I don't act on them) of ways to drive him to insanity, I want him to regret knowing me, resent me, hate me, cuz I feel those ways about him! - He said it seemed I was doing everything and anything to hurt him.. Doesn't feel so good when the shoe is on the other foot now huh. People must think that I'm thinking of him constantly, which is far from the truth. I continue this blog as a "voice" of the type of people I wish didn't roam this earth, at least with me involved. Notice how I don't speak of other filthy queers, just my experience. This experience will probably be in the back of my mind for many moons. Though I'm done with him in every way, I want the world to know...anyone he comes in contact with who might chose to "google" him, what this personality is like. I often wonder how long I will continue this blog, and after mulling over that thought, the response to myself is, never. It is therapeutic to me to vent my frustrations about him. Its also enjoyable to blurt out deep secrets, secrets he thought were between him and I, experiences,as shitty as some where, that were between him and I. Since there is, and probably was no real trust on his end, I'm showing the lack of trust, now, on my end. Family secrets, sexual secrets, personality secrets and historical things between him and I are public knowledge now. For this reason, apart from many others, we cannot ever come into contact with one another, which works for me. The bump in the road is gone, so nothing to lose, nothing to gain either. Its more a guilty pleasure.
x

Thanx :)

Days come and go so quickly these days.
Happier days go by. Life without Rob seems more and more fun. I'm enjoying work more and my friends, my real friends. My mind is more stimulated these days. Gone are the endless nights of sitting in front of the TV, Robs fave and only past time. With minimal TV in my life, there seems much more to do. Life was stalled when Rob was around, as life was just that, in front of the TV. TV overruled our social life, our sex life, our life in general. If it wasn't for travel, we had pretty much - no social life. My social life always took place outside the country, never in my own city. Going out with friends and experiencing living is such a new thing, such a fun thing. Thinking of all the wasted weekends, closed up in the apt, with a lazy sod like Rob, sucked years out of my life. I feel rejuvenated! There have been very few "wasteful" weekends since being on my own. Apart from Rob sex shows on the Internet, I believe his life is still in front of the TV. It may not be, he may be living it up with his new found "freedom", something he must have wanted years back, but he chose to cling onto me for years, as just a habit. I told Rob that it wasn't love that kept him with me, but more the fact that I was a habit. I was a place to come hang out, a place to have a drink, a place to smoke up...and a place, when he had dry spells, to use me for his repulsive queer desires. He can carry on with his new life and I, as always, wish him all the misery life has to offer. I think, and I am starting to live it up now. I'm no longer tied down byt false love, or false friendship for that matter. I was thinking the other day..I cant say I have a best friend now. I do have great friends, but a best friend no. Someone to be close with, like I was when I was with Rob, when I was a true friend, him all the while being a sheep in wolves clothing, I don't have and honestly, don't want. Rob on the other hand, cant possibly have, or deserve for that matter, true friends. Like Ive mentioned before, he was jealous of the "attention" I gained with friends, but that goes back to personalities. Mine was and still is more colorful. The only person who really knows Rob, is me..I know what kind of horrible human he is and no one else. No one experienced the bullshit that was my life, the last 5, 6 or more, years. As Ive mentioned, I'm glad he is removed from my life. Never wanting to see him, pushes me forward to move on. He said a long time back that I have moved on, due to my solo travels..at that time I was still stuck in routine, but travel is my sanity. I can now say that I have fully moved on, and thrilled that life is better than it was, compared to the last couple of years. Thanks Rob, for sucking the life out of me the last few years - and Thanks for taking off, like the coward you truly are, it all worked out to my benefit. If I had know that telling him that I wish Id never met him, and that I wished was dead, would have made him disappear as quickly as it did, I would have uttered those words years back - Had I only have known, the Real Rob..
x

"...Will Never Be The Same..."

Well out the other night, at a lounge with a friend, whom I haven't seen in about 2 years, we recounted the last few years since we saw each other - I got the Rob question again and filled her in. She wasn't that surprised as I had told her years back, when we worked together, about my suspicions, and my confronting Rob about infidelities etc. She thought after our initial break up in 2007, that we had become the best of "friends". I obviously filled her in on the last 2 years. Her response to all that I told her about earlier this year and last few, was, that Rob was an "irresponsible human being". Potentially putting me in harms way with illness' and such. That's one of my biggest piss offs with the whole Rob situation as Ive mentioned in previous posts. The fact that I had trust, to some capacity, to carry on what little sex life we had, with unprotected sex, always thinking, and possibly hoping that he wasn't messing around..was naive and dumb on my part I know...The cliche line of, "you only hurt the ones you love" would be fitting in this situation. Rob's love for me, what little, true love he had for me, was just more harmful to me than anything else. Again, I'm glad others can see what type of personality he is. Ive said before that I was not the perfect partner, of course I had my faults, but mine never put Rob in jeopardy of anything, ever. I was trying to rebuild what we had. It was heading, to me, what seemed to be, the right direction, only to be fooled yet again, but this time, for the last time. Thinking back to my friends words, of thinking we had the best type of "post relationship", friendship, all sounds great in theory, but "friendship" is something Rob knows nothing of. Keeping friends has never been one of Robs strong points. The friends we we had, that I met through Rob, are out of the picture, years ago. Since then, the only true friends hes has, are our common friends, and even that Rob has spoiled. I believe allot of his embarrassment over the years has caused a wedge, but once again, this is or was his own doing. As I mentioned earlier, his one night stand, are people he calls "friends". People he gets off with he considers, "friends". I know I can call my friends, my true friends at 3am and if in need of anything, they would be there. For this reason alone, I dont feel alone on this earth. Rob on the other hand would be in a diffrent situation, and once again, his own doin. His false sense of both, friendship and reality are blurred, in my opinion. Again, though feelings have changed, the hatred towards him grows stronger. I, personally would much rather be alone in this world, rather than having anything to do with that man. Getting him out of my life was the most intelligent move Ive made in years. Im glad Im able to carry on without him. Not feel lonely, or guilty or sad, Rob on the other hand must feel all three of those, and once again...his own doing. When I wrote my letter of closure to Rob, I ended it with a lyric from one of my favouite bands, and favourite songs...Though the title of this song, I dont get, the lyrics,
"Life will never be the same as it was again" -
suits this situation to a T!
x

40 Year Old...Loser

Near the end of our time together, Rob would say to me, "I'm a 40 year old man, sleeping in a single bed, in my parents house"...I never had any pity for him in that respect as that was and is his own doing. While with a friend last night, a common friend, she went to tell me how Rob has to move out etc. First of all, the fact that he hasn't just shows his lack of motivation, his procrastination, his lack of change in his life, as in EVERY aspect of his existence. I would say to Rob in days gone by, after seeing how he would "help" clean my apt, that I would never(had we continued to be friends), step foot in his home for fear of how filthy it really was. I'm sure it would look OK from the surface, but seeing his idea of "clean" when he would help me, would lead me to believe that his place would actually be filthy. Upon my return from London, earlier this year, I found my place unbelievably messy, except for clean bedsheets, but he was very busy while I was away, again, see previous posts. He always had 0 energy for pretty much everything and preferred to flop on the sofa, channel surfing, that was his idea of "existing". I had said to him, in days gone by, that his mother would be so disappointed in him, in the kitchen, cleaning house, apart from other things, see below posts, too many things would disappoint her, if she knew how her son really was, the real Rob. At the same time, being on his own, would lead his home, to be his own personal brothel. The countless "tricks" in and out. I mean if was easy enough to go meet trash in the middle of the night, it would be much easier to have said "tricks and trash", which he's always called his "friends", filtering through his front door. Yet another reason to never step foot in his hovel. He will never have a "normal" life, he couldn't since he isn't a "normal" person in many ways. He should just stick to his sad existence as is, and just will off whatever he makes with his life, to a charity as that could possibly be the only good he could do with his life. The fact that he still lives at home, should actually be an embarrassment. His older brother moved out I believe by 40 or 41, Rob will break that and still be at home. He's had more then enough time to buy a place, something else he shouldn't do, cuz losing it one day will be just as painful I'm sure, as he will, he is not responsible at all. He's also had enough time to save his money to rent a place, and yet he still lives with mummy and daddy. As is every aspect of his life, the word, pathetic, comes to mind. Some things will never change, making his life just as worthless as ever. In my opinion he is...The 40 Year Old Loser...
x

Giving Thanks...2009

Well today marks Thanksgiving 2009 -
What to give thanks for? Good question, the usual, health, happiness, friends and family...Also that I rid my life of a "cancer" that was or probably would have killed me by sharing some disease, had he still been in my life. Bringing some awful STD as he used me for his sexual releases. Bitter huh - Love it!
This was a busy weekend and again, one I could not have gone through if Rob was still in my life, so I give thanks for that as well :)
Friday was a night of fine dining, a $650+ dinner bill...and a night of eastern European surroundings at a club down on Wellington. Saturday was a night of celebration, the 1st birthday of my niece and godchild, Vic and my niece, Liv's, 3rd bday. Sunday was a night of 80's retro with a guy I met a few weeks back. I love being out and getting attn, for whatever reason ha ha. I was so invisible with Rob or at least its how I felt. I go to clubs to enjoy the music, not look for a lay, I don't work that way...But that doesn't mean I don't have fun in other ways, should I get approached. The strange thing, and again, for whatever reason, I'm comfortable, well after a few vodkas;), to hang around people, talk to some complete stranger while on the dance floor, out for a fag or grabbing a drink. Maybe its the settings of the clubs, I cant say, but its a good feeling, a fun feeling. When I was with Rob, if i did anything that would draw any attn to him or us, he would get so irritated, which i never understood, but whatever. Now I don't have to watch what I say, do or wear...Its interesting the kind of freedom I feel. Even at home, cause I'm here most of the time alone, I'm enjoying my time. I'm slowly building my life, sans Rob, and its coming around just fine. There still no difference in feelings. I still feel, when I think about it, feel betrayed on many levels, but that's happened, its in the past. I don't feel any good affection towards him at all. To me he is a horrible person and unfortunately nothing could make me change my thoughts on him. Sad to think for lack of respect, after 15+ years, we couldn't be friends. Ive realised that I don't have to tolerate that anymore. I'm actually enjoying being a single man.
For that I give thanks.
x

Stupid is..Stupid does...

So... cleaning house, which i seem to have this unhealthy obsession with - I do have 3 cats, trojan, prozak and koko, who keep me busier than you would ever imagine, hence my obsession and i still cant keep up -
Anyways, cleaning lately always seems to lead to finding some track of Rob.
I found his passport which was "destroyed" a while back.
Let me take you back...When I found out rob was trolling about while I was on vacation and using my apt as his own personal brothel, I had asked him to remove all his stuff from my apt and to leave my keys behind...Well the keys he left, as well as a shitload of stuff, dvds, personal info, personal documents. I gave the idiot a time frame in which to pick his stuff up. He decided, as his nature dictates, to ignore or shun away from my requests to pick up his stuff. I gave him ample time and told him, if its not picked up by a certain date, it would find its way down the chute of 2 Regal Rd. He ignored my offer to pick up his things.
Thinking about all the bullshit he put me through, I thought it best to try and make a few bucks out of his things. I sold his ipod, dvd collections and more. I made a few bucks, enough to purchase a designer hoodie from the B-Rude line, which I love! - Weeks after all was sold or "destroyed", he emails me and asked where his passport was...I was a bit boggled as I had forewarned him, that should he not pick up his document and personal things, he would never see them again. Since when I am storage, especially for someone so deceitful?! Why would I have or keep anything he left behind, or let him back in my apt. I remember the last time we spoke, he said he missed my cats...that he had thought of sneaking in just to see my cats?? The man is a lunatic? As if I wouldn't knock his lights out, had I found out he did that?? Moron. When he enquired about his passport, I told him, its gone...His response was, "I'm so irritated, I cant believe you did that, what am I supposed to do now."...
Well this just shows what an idiot he is...my response was, "go get another one" -
He mentioned that it was a government issued document. Yes...thank you for the update..I am fully aware of that, but did he think I owed it to him to hang on to it, until HE felt ready to pick it up? His reasoning and thinking is that of a selfish nature, well wherever I was concerned...Not the case.
I'm not storage for anyone, especially someone like him.
He left some nice clothes here, that aren't my style so they too found their way into the bin. He had a cat that died about 8 years ago or so...The cats ashes were here, on my bookshelf. Once again after a day of cleaning,I gave him the option that take it back, not cuz I was being nice, but the cat itself, dead or alive, had nothing to do with it. He opted to have a friend pick it up. He didn't respond to my questions whether he wanted the ashes or not. I was a hair away from trashing that as well, when a common friend, emailed and asked that I put them aside, I did, and they were returned. I owe him nothing! He should be grateful he got the ashes back...
I should have gone the extra mile and not given him that option but I'm compassionate when it comes to pets and animals. So count your blessings that I was THAT kind.
I was thinking last night what a miserable existence he must be leading and that put a smile on my face. He can have money and what not, he doesn't have hap pines, I can bet that. He's a miserable, negative, promiscuous sod...And that is all he will ever be. A bigger waste of sperm I hope to never know...again!

A Safe Enviroment...

While chatting to a friend I haven't yakked to in a long time the other night...she was asking how things were - how I'm holding up. She was impressed at my attitude, positive attitude. The last time I had a dramatic episode with her, due to Robs "actions" was Christmas 2007. She saw me in a state, that was totally different as to how I'm today, dealing and moving on today. She was happy for me. She asked what I want in regards to happiness....
Interesting question as I'm quite content at the moment.
With work, friends, family and such, I wouldn't change a thing.
I don't look back in sadness, rather anger. Not even hurt anymore, but more anger and hatred. People have said to me, in the last few months, since my life's changed, that I will get over the anger, and I agree. The hatred - NOPE.
When asked by my gal pal, about men and life and my past, I responded with, "I would never put up with any of what Rob did to me ever again". I think that's why I have no problem these days telling guys to get lost or not let them into my world.
Asked what I wanted for Rob...I found that a strange question coming from her.
I told her I wanted a life of misery and despair for him. She asked if I was serious...yet another baffling question as Ive known her for about 20 years...you would think she would know when I'm serious or not. I told her that I hope he goes away on his own...not to find himself or move on, but in hopes that his plane hits the side of a mountain...better yet, plunges deep into that Atlantic/Pacific in hopes that his disgusting body is never to be found. My other option for him..was that he gets fag bashed to death as hes one of the "defective" queers Ive spoken of... People seem to think, these are just words I utter. I don't act on anything in regards to Rob. BUT - the news at any point in my life about Rob's misery or horrid death would not stir any emotionin me whatsoever. It is what he deserves and hopefully happens, as that is news Im dying to get. The would be the icing on the cake...Though whats more than likely to happen is that he will get some well deserved STD, probably HIV as he is so promiscuous, it more likely what will happen. She laughed and at the same time was taken aback. I told her I was serious.
She knows how twisted & colorful I can be, but I think, quickly came to realise
that I was/am serious. She questioned whether I was still, so hurt by him. I told her no, that I'm so over it. Like I said in earlier posts, I don't have to think of the stupidity I had to for the better half of our time together.
At the same time, as far as I'm concerned, people like him should not be walking the face of this earth, especially those who preach otherwise, and Rob totally fit that "persona" - She went on to ask again about what I want...
I have it all, I told her. True friends who I know will be there, have been there, through thick and thin. A good family, which is more than I can say about Robs dysfunctional clan...and my health..funny how my blood pressure has stabilised much more since Rob has been out of the picture. So Rob was bad for my health in more ways than one. Put me at risk for disease as he frolicked with others, then back to my bed & my blood pressure..So getting rid of Rob, made my life a safer environment.

Memories...?

Thank god I set aside these days to clean house or closets etc -
Being the pack rat that I am, I found all these cards, birthday, Christmas, anniversary cards, from Rob to me...Ive kept them all these years as my little memories...This morning they found their way to the trash. He had given me a stuffed "animal" - 2 lions I beleive they are, holding a heart, that reads, "I Love You" - I tore that heart out of their "paws" as he didnt really, regardless of what he says...
Little things, here and there, linger from my time with Rob..Id have to do a floor to ceiling, wall to wall clean up in order to rid this place 100% of that slag.
Unfortunately the odd thing still creeps up on me...But as I am, I had to read these blurbs in these cards before they ended up in the bin.
Funny - I recall the odd card, bringing a tear of joy at the time, a tear of happiness..Today as I re-read some of them, I uttered, "what bullshit" -
The best way to describe his scribblings is just that, bullshit.
What went through my mind as I read them was, thinking, that as he wrote those words, he was covering for all the crap he had done, prior to those occasions.
The "rough couple of months" as he wrote...what could he be talking about?
The year on the card was 2001 - Yet another drama filled year??
The only thing that comes to mind if I have to think of 2001 - well off the top of my head at least, was our trip to London. That's the trip where I think it was twice, if not 3 times that I left Rob. He followed of course like a good puppy, but I was pissed at his boring ideas of fun. We were in our hotel room by 9pm and I had had enough by the end of the holiday. I remember that year we went in June. There was the Trooping of The Colours at Buck House. We attended that but when that ceremony was over, I stormed off, he kept up but I had nothing to say to him. Earlier in the week while in pub, I did the same thing. The pub was just off Oxford St. I could tell the way the conversation was going, that I should expect more of the same. No nights out in London, no "fun" nights in London. So I may as well have gone on my own. I could care less at that time, that I had left Rob. He was never far behind so no real need to worry but none the less I took off. I recall as early as our holiday in Cuba, my storming away from him. He has such a lame idea of fun. I would love to speak to the next poor sod that dares to venture outside the city with him - forewarn them, that if they re looking to have a good time, to go with someone else.
Every card I went through, earlier today, I remembered something bad about the situation or the year itself. It all sucked. Funny what you put up with.
It was easy to stop caring for, or loving Rob, as there is no substance to that creature.
Speaking of birthdays and what not - Today is my little nieces 3rd bday. Im forever glad she will not have to get to know Rob - When she gets a bit older, there will be no memory of Rob to her, so that is nice to know. I wish I had the same "lack of memory" as a 3 year old, as I would give up allot to erase the last 16 or so years I knew that slag, Rob -

"Just pathetic"...she said.

The other day, while on a break with a friend, she mentioned Robs name to which I made a sour face. She apologised and I told her there was no need...regardless that started a chat about "my past" with Rob. She had asked me a few questions, to which I really had no problem answering. I went on to tell her how Rob had called the cops a few weeks back once he realised this blog was live and constantly updated, as well as for sending him a text when I found him naked and jerkin off in front of the world on Cam4 etc. I told her Rob wold deny that, til the cows came home, but sneaky little me, has a screen cap ha ha, so deny deny deny..wont work this time ha ha, I told her...It was funny as I recounted some of the tails that are detailed her on the blog. She questioned Robs behaviour to which I answered to the best of my knowledge. I told her if she wanted to read the gory details to check out the blog. I never intended this blog to go "public" within my circle of friends, but it has been discovered by a few. In the end of our conversation, my friend uttered, "he's just pathetic." - That was just it.
The best part of the fact that she ended that chat on that, or with that comment was, that every single word I uttered, and each question I answered was 100% true. No embellishment, no dramatic twist to the stories, but all truth. I have absolutely no reason to lie about any situation. I told truths about myself as well as our past. So its kind of nice to know that it wasn't me, that its not me. That the truth, regardless of how dark or twisted it may seem, is what it is and was.
I guess these are sides of Robs personality or character that no one ever knew of...
Its not just me who thinks he is pathetic. I wonder if his shrink thinks hes as sad as he really is, if he has discovered that? As Ive said before, more than likely, if history has repeated itself again, hes not speaking the truth. But at this point in MY life, its not important. I told my friend, as Ive mentioned here, numerous times, that once I got confirmation from Robs mouth about infidelities, how he tried even in the end to dance around the subject, it was easy to get over him.
When I told my gal pal what Rob would say in certain situations, she would say "he is a real sad man" - again truth prevails. I never denied anything I did during our past, its not as if I sugar coat it to make myself look any better, than anyone else. That is something I never do. I never feel above anyone or any better than anyone. Granted, after this tragic drama, and again as Ive said before, the one person I know I am better than, is Rob. I joke with friends about certain things, but never that I am any better or above anyone. These days I can scream it from the top of my lungs, that I am better than, one Robert S.
For this, I am proud to be the person that I am. Am I better after this drama...nope, Ive always been better, deserved better, again, it just took too long to realise that. I'm glad some people see Robs true colors, the facade is over.
The real Rob was best left unfounded but due to stupidity that's not what happened.
Again a better friend he will never find. I saw a CD of Barbra Streisand the other day in Starbucks, naturally I thought of him...I wondered would he find another fool to spend $500 to go with him...probably not, or he would have to buy them a ticket to go as no one would. I hope he looses out on these events in his future, if only to make him realise how, lonely he really is, what "real" friends he has.
But knowing Rob, he would probably pay for whomever, more than likely a rent boy, so he can get more bang for his buck - no pun intended...well maybe.