Letter of Closure PT II

PT II -

After thinking about our situation and the post relationship sex, it makes me now feel like it was because, “I was there” – which is a horrible feeling now.
It’s actually the reason I was less chatty with you shortly after Africa.
It brings back the time, we first slept together, I had already fallen in love with you, and after a nice day of “enjoying” each other, your words were to me, as we were heading out, “we have to pretend this never happened” – that in itself should have been a hint to me… It seemed we were on a real good roll there for the last 4, 5 or so months. More comfortable and fun with you than the last couple of years when we were a couple. I thought that possibly, like Catherine was hoping(in London) that maybe we would somehow get together. That was all spoiled and so hurtful to me. I think now, how dumb, while I was out shopping for the kids(in London) and thinking of you, and grabbing you things, you were enjoying the company of other guys, in whatever way shape or form(something I didn’t do on holiday). Then to make it worse, I felt like an idiot, and then when I speak to you about it you lied to me. How/why would you do that? It’s so hard for me to say anything good about you. I feel like the last 16/17 years were all a joke, a ride I was on. None of it now seems like it was worth so much time, my time. You lied many times and did things behind my back…I’m not throwing this in your face, I’m explaining. It leads me to think or believe that you probably lied about a lot of things while we were together. I sit and think of certain situations, completely different now.
I say you aren’t the person I met 16 years ago – but the sad thing is, I think you changed a bit as did I during our relationship – thing is you went back to being what you were before we met, if not throughout the better part of our time together, and that Robert has no place in my life.
I think now, I’ve lost my confidant, my shoulder, my travel companion, my camping buddy, my cottage(r) , my shopping gal pal, the only person I can take off my shirt in front of….my best friend.
You know I chat on line, in non sexual chats…I never met anyone, spoke to anyone on the phone. I couldn’t do that, as much as I wanted to get on and meet new friends etc…I didn’t cuz I had you. You’re all I really wanted, all that I needed. The thought was never there to do any such thing, it was/is more of a past time.
I went on facebook the other day and deleted the pic I had of you and me with the heading “my best friend”….You’re not anymore. I’m lost, I’m alone. Work is my only outlet and outing for that matter. How did this happen?
I think I’ve lost part of my family, Rick, Pat, mom/dad…I feel you’ve lost family, Liv, Vic, the guyz. So much is wasted away now, so much has gone sour. So much good history is no more. I don’t know what my future holds for me at this time, I do know that as much as I wish we were, as we were in days gone by, it can’t happen. I can’t have you in my life. As much as you mean to me still!! And that so irritates me, that u still mean so much to me, I have to force myself to hate you in order to wake up in the morning and get to work. I think of you all the time and do so much to get you out of my mind and in the end of it all...why…you’re not going to be around ever again – can you believe this has happened? I knew we would never be friends once you got “out there” – I couldn’t watch that, how could I. But never thought that this would be the case…I thought it would have been you and me against the world, our little retarded world.
I cant bring myself to say anything good about you, I cant believe you are a good person. You’ve broken more than one commandment, that’s not good.
At the same time in your defence, I am probably not good for you either. My attitude is much different these days, I tolerate little, especially now – im not mad fag like you think, I think you have this perception that I spazz out and what not and that you have it wrong. Sure I have my moments but I think you have me all wrong when it comes to that.
This I say in defence to the numerous times you have said that I scare you. I don’t, nor with any half assed explanation, will I understand that. You make me sound like a monster, like you are/were a battered wife. This comes from my having a foul mouth or that like any other human beings, I may raise my voice in moments of stress or anger? Other than that I cannot understand when you speak those words to me.
In closing this letter – I can’t bring myself to type anything all too positive. I wont or cant type out, “take care” or “sincerely”…I think that both of us haven’t learned anything from these 16+ years of friendship. Maybe Ive learned to be less trusting, more on guard and you may have learned to be a bit more honest? Please don’t do this to anyone else. It’s a horrible feeling. Im sure you feel awful for your own reasons against me. I’m just telling you about me. Let’s hope we don’t do this with others in our lives. I’m dreading ending this letter cuz when I do, it will be the same as pulling the trigger. It will be done. This is similar to death BUT I know you are still out there somewhere – I’m grieving losing you, ive lost you. If I was “right” then we probably wouldn’t be in this position now – see im not blaming you only….

im getting out of the area too, I think I need to start fresh, completely Franco, 100% Franco. With everything out of my apt, there is still too much of you here.
I don’t know how to end this…I don’t want to say goodbye but have to - I want to scream your name out! Why why why!!!??


“Life will never be the same as it was again”
Culture Club



Goodbye
Franco

The end...indeed
x

Letter of Closure PT I

In keeping with the end of year cleaning...I'm also cleaning out my PC. Ive found and think its time I let go of the letter of closure I sent on to Rob. Ive held onto it as a reminder of why... and Ive decided to post it here, my final words to Rob. The end of a "chapter" - It will be in parts as it is a long one. It will all be up by Dec 31st, 11:59pm.

July-15-09

Robert –
Please give me a chance to say this all to you, please give me an ounce of respect and time to read this and finalise what we had.

Closure:

Meeting you 16/17 years ago changed my life like you or no one would never know, or could ever believe.
At the time of meeting you and getting together, I had no problems in the world that I couldn’t deal with cuz I had you by my side. You were the one I thought would see me through life till the end, no matter how bitter or twisted life became.
Fast forward 13/14 years…I guess we became different people. Things were different, things were routine. Things had gone dull and lifeless as a couple. We never had sex or went out – we were good “room mates” at that point and that was pretty much it.
Hence, ending our relationship. At this point, as I write, I feel like just typing up a bunch of obscenities but know that would be wrong, to make you understand how I’m feeling – A deep breath and a drag on a fag later….Robert please dont think that I think I was perfect in this relationship. I want you to understand how I feel I want to put this to rest, for my piece of mind – I need to get this (and im sure much more that ill forget to write) off my chest.
I was never the most emotional or affectionate person I agree. But when were together, and right to the end, though I may not have showed it, I would have done anything for you, protected you from anything, watch over you. Regardless of what happened I still wanted you with me. Things were off, but the thought of you not in my life, killed me as it does today. Writing this letter so far has been the most difficult thing I’ve had to do in a long, long time. I wish that you had been more of man with me and been honest to me. I never cared what job you had, how much money you made. What clothes you wear...I just wanted honesty with me. You didn’t give me that and after years of knowing it, I decided that I can’t have you in my life. I’m too afraid of getting reeled in by you. That makes you sound like some wizard villain, I mean that, because of who you are, I would fall back into that pattern, cuz of how I feel, or felt. Though I have lied to you in the past, to a minimum I must say, I was an honest friend/lover. You questioned (just to clear it up) about when I liked that guy Todd at work, I admitted that to you, without you finding out and confronting me, I flat out told you. I can’t or couldn’t lie to you. There was a time when I asked you if you would come with me to open up a P.O. box at a post office, for fear that I would get caught selling bootlegs on ebay. I was afraid to tell you that, for whatever reason at the time. I remember I told you on a Monday about opening a P.O box, I didn’t say anything all weekend long cuz I wanted to keep that from you…the point being, I couldn’t keep it from you and told you. I had a horrible feeling in my stomach all weekend long and HAD to tell you.
The way our friendship ended was due to your lying to me and being disrespectful to me. Its, to some point I think also why I broke up with you. I wish I could ask you why you lied to me. I’m honestly shocked myself at how insulted and hurt I feel about that. Its tainted the entire 16/17 years we’ve know each other and as sad as that makes me, it has. Things like camping with my niece and you, spoiled, Africa….was brilliant but wish it wasn’t you I went with now…meeting Boy George…I’m glad I did it alone as well. None of it is any good anymore – bad overrules good…
When you changed banks and split accts, that was so hard for me at first. I didn’t know how to live on my income, and day by day I get by – tomorrow is always another day. When you didn’t show up on the Monday after our “text battle”, I was shocked, completely thrown as I didn’t think you would do that. I thought you wouldn’t talk to me as I had done with you or something less extreme. I didn’t know how to get myself to work on my own, I didn’t know how to do groceries for myself…where would or how would I get my vodka?! I went looking to see if you had parked your car at the POW – I even emailed you to make sure you were at work, those went unheard. I got confirmation you were at work by other means. I got myself to work on my own.
I had and am still adjusting to you not being around, each day I hate it more and more. I think I portray it to others fairly good as everyone thinks, “I’m doing well”?? Robert – I am a broken boy(I refuse to say man) this isn’t the way life is supposed to be for me…it cant have been planned out this way.
I hate that I think, I know this is the right thing to do.
I know I betrayed you when I slept with that guy in London, yes for that I lied to you. Unfortunately I thought our relationship was done with and needed the company of a man. But even that I fessed up to you, not you catching me as I’d caught you in the past. Again I couldn’t lie to you.. What idiot would admit something like that?? I was so genuinely honest with you…I did for a while(lie), but had to tell you, which wouldn’t have been, hadn’t have been the case with you. We hadn’t been intimate the entire year(and only 5 times the previous) – then after I came back – nada. I’m not trying to justify my actions, I’m sure that is part of the reason you strayed when we were a couple? We were more intimate after we broke up. For that too I am upset at myself. It seemed to me that when you wanted or needed to be with someone you and I shagged. If/when I gave off “signals” they always went unheard (remember Zanzibar?). It now sort of makes sense at how sporadic sex was post relationship, knowing what I know now.
...To be cont'd

x

A Year in Review...

Well Christmas came and went, whats next, Year's end! All went great with Xmas thankfully, a good time was had. Nearing the end of the year to me, makes me think of the 365 days that have just passed by, although there are just a few days left in 2009. The year started on a positive notes of sorts. Rob and I were getting close again, more comfortable with each other than we had been in a while, I should say, I not we, as I'm not sure what was going on in Robs head. The words he spoke and his actions were 2 completely different things. Regardless the days, they passed. May brought on another jaunt over to merry ole England, London to be exact, to reunite with some of the folks I met in Africa last year, it was a blast, met up with Kevan Frost, a musician I LOVE!!! Welcomed Boy George home after being released from prison..lol that sounds funny just writing it out. The press on that day had a photograph of Boy George with a fan who was there with me, she had a gift, so the caption read, "Boy George with one of 2 fans..." I was the other half of the 2 fans, still a fun adventure. Came home to what I thought was a blossoming friendship/romance, only to find that Rob was, as suspected the whore Id been calling him for months, I knew I was right all along. I ditched that faggot thank god, for lying, cheating(in the past), messing around while in my apartment, the list goes on, just read past entries. I made the changes, otherwise we would still be living that miserable existence. So cheers to me for making a change that was long over due. Summer brought onto me, forcing myself to get back out there, on the scene, out living. I had some fabulous nights this past summer, with new, interesting and beautiful people. As Ive said I never understood when theses attractive people would come up to me, I learned to enjoy the time I was with these people. I learned that there are other people out there who like me, for whatever reason. A few friendships were formed, that I continue to work on as I need to expand my social network, not limiting any form of socializing just to work. So for that too I am glad. Ive managed to make my life my own, completely me. The crap I put up with the last 10 years or so, now seems like such a waste of my time and for that I'm bitter, but by moving forward I'm making that change, things are more positive. Summer outings were something to get used to as they were outings I didn't partake in for the better of 10 years or so. The feeling of vulnerability was massive as I made myself go out, made myself go meet people and ventured into new "lands" - I thought that my first birthday as a single man, would put me over the edge - a piece of cake. I spent it with good people who know how to have fun, laugh and enjoy life. A welcomed change, a change I will continue to make and live. The holidays which are half over at this point, also put me to the test and it wasn't all that bad. I will start 2010 on a brighter note. Its a year to start completely on my own. The year of Franco and only, Franco. Ive reconnected with some old friends, and some new friends have found their way into my life. Though the new ones aren't as tight as the old ones, its nice to know, I have the ability, the personality or character to lure people into the world of Franco, and like it. I don't have to be fake with anyone, I don't have to be something Im not anymore. Rob was in my life, the last half of the 90's and the majority of the first decade of this century. That is over. That is a thing of the past and a thrilling adventure awaits me on the flip of the next calendar page, January 2010. Starting off with a vacation, I'm half heatedly looking forward to, but as the days approach, theres a hint of excitement. 2 weeks today I depart, so the excitement will build over the next few days...and I will start this year off on the right foot and hopefully, the past dramas between 1993 to 2009 are over. I don't have to, or want to deal with that stupidity and waste of time EVER again.
That's my year in review....
x

My Christmas Wish...

Well...up early this morning, killing time, I was re reading some of the older posts on this blog, that's how much time Ive had to kill ha ha. Anyways, I re read the entry where I admit to punching Rob in the face at a queer outing. It came back to me, that night. The "why" I did that. I know as well as Rob, if he thinks about it, why I hit him. The same scenario would run throughout our time together. When I hit him we weren't "officially" a couple, its how he made me feel that prompted me to hit him. Fool that I was chased after him to apologize. Regardless, fist met face. In the entry I say how a pang of guilt came over me as I wrote that, but quickly went away. Now that I think about it...The one thing I would love this Christmas, is to relive that moment, again. I would love to wish Rob a Merry Christmas then slam my fist back into his face. Harsh?? Not really, its what he deserves ha ha. The feeling, of feeling like a sack of shit after getting slugged would be, or make this Christmas, the most Merry of them all. If I have to think of him, as I do from time to time, I just despise him. Hearing from real friends who over the years, who never betrayed me in any way, shape or form, makes me happy to think I have those kinds of people in my life. Why didn't I do anything before May 09?? I once confronted Rob when I was living in a rooming house, and put him against the wall, again for similar actions, he never admitted it back then either, with my hands on his throat(this was all pre therapy and before we hooked up) and against the wall, I yelled at him. Scared him to the point where he took off from my apt. I remember I had his keys as I wanted to talk to him about "situations" I had found out about and didn't want him to run as he always did and still does. He stormed out and I followed suit, got in his car and went looking for him. I didn't find him and ended up at a friends place not far from where I lived at the time. You would think reactions like that would sort of put in his head that I'm not into the games he was and always played with me. He was brave, cuz if I had my way back then, and even today, he would not be around to tell the tales. The new me, is about 25lbs lighter, healthier, more social and I think happier than I have been in the last little while. Being asked out for New Years was nice. I made a point of spending last New Years alone for obvious reasons, I didn't wish to spend it with someone like Rob and didn't. I was content being at home, with a "friend"(at the time) rather than someone I knew for 15 years. I'm hoping Rob spends the holidays with his sad clan and has a miserable years end and holiday season. He used to say how the holidays always brought on some tragedy of sorts, Im hoping that is true this year as well...
Tradgey, for Rob, thats my Christmas wish for this year...
x

Proof is in HIS Writings?

Well this weekend brought on a major house/holiday cleaning. I finally attempted my bdrm closet, not the clothes, everything else. Boxes and boxes of memories, photos, nick nacs and more. I have these 2 huge boxes sitting in there, that I've taken from apt to apt. I want to try and narrow it down to one box, on the floor of my closet, not the top shelf. Sifting through cards, letters, school folders was fun, took hours. I came across countless cards from the last 20+ years. I found a card that my parents gave me when I turned 16, just to give u an idea of what I have stashed away. Apart from those, I found numerous letters and cards from Rob. It was easy to throw most away. Any photograph I found went in the garbage. Pictures of us together from day one were stashed deep in these boxes. All in the bin. The cards were priceless and I had to keep a few, not for sentimental value, but 99% of the cards I found, had Rob apologising for the years events. Words such as "I know its hard to trust me", "I'm sorry for the things Ive done over the year." and "You are my everything, I love you with every cell in my body" - I kept these just as a reminder to myself that it was Rob. His words written out, asking for forgiveness, thanking me for not leaving and sticking around. For being there for him. Him wanting to spend the rest of his life with me. All the while, when you read into the letters and cards, you can see a total admission of guilt from "actions" throughout the years. I had to laugh at my own stupidity when I would see the dates noted on these cards. One from 1995, which would have been 2 years or so into our relationship, writing to me how it was a "hell of a year" but we pulled through. Rob has always been the same character and never changed. Ive changed as of today, not wanting to let that happen again, ever if I can avoid it. Allot of the cards brought me back to the time these were given, not in a sentimental value again, but rather thinking of what he was apologising for. Most I recalled as its all burned into my memory. I felt good about myself, knowing I did the right thing my ridding him out of my life, finally. I put up with his shit for so long. Robert was a liar from day one. I'm sure if I could grill him as I wanted to years ago, I would find out lots more that I had no idea went on. Proof of his "mistrust" are good to keep, again, only to remind me, that I did nothing wrong, definitely not as early on as he did. I changed over the years and these cards can explain why. Why I became more harsh with him, especially near the end. My dumping him and kicking him out, was the best move and by reading these cards and letters, would show anyone as to why I did what I did. As Ive mentioned countless times in this blog, Rob pulled the wool over my eyes. Rob thought I would be some subservient "partner" in the sense that I would put up with this? He's wrong, was wrong and always will be wrong. There is nothing to Robert as a partner, as a friend. He's the type of person you don't want to get close to as he is a selfish, sexless, careless, horrible human being.
One write up I found was from myself, a journal entry I printed out. It was dated 1998 -my expressing the lack of sex in our relationship. That was about 5 years into our relationship, he was definitely straying at this point and my writings proved that and reminded me of how long he was fucking around behind my back. All the while, him asking for forgiveness back then, let alone what I would discover years later.
Hatred in my life is focused on one person and one person alone, who deserves nothing positive. The Proof is in his writings"
x

That would be the icing on the cake...

As the year nears its end, I find myself excited about 2010. Ive moved on in ways I didn't think I would have at this point, I didn't think it would or could happen as it has. Rob isn't mentioned much in my life these days which is wonderful. Obviously, as I'm sure with him, there is lots or certain things that will/would remind us of each other from time to time...Its normal, I know it. As mentioned in earlier readings, I never wronged Rob, so the anger bit cant be felt on his end. I don't sit here pondering, wishing and hoping. I did that in years gone by, not today. Ive realised what kind of person Robert Sanita really is. This blog is maintained, at this point, as a testament to my disgust of Rob and nothing else. I will say that what Rob pulled on me, wont fade away as fast as I got over him. Those are 2 different things. I could care less at this point if Rob has a social life, is shagging fellow slags, is out having a good time, it means nothing to me, and no feelings are wasted thinking about those things.
However, when I hear his name, or a friend mentions him to me, I am filled with hatred and disgust. The one thing Rob has done to me, which I think will linger on for years to come is my, not being able to trust anyone. Rob proved to me that everyone is out for themselves, to whatever capacity, or should I say, most people are out for themselves. Rob proved to me in the end, that it is and was only about him, in many many ways. The man who couldn't get a hard on at the best of times somehow manages to go out and lives a seedy sexual repulsive life. Again as Ive mentioned before, I'm chanting that he gets the diseases and misfortune that is deserved. I saw him like I mentioned a few weeks back, driving past me, and what I would have given to see him cross King St, only to be side swiped by a Mac truck or a TTC streetcar, but I don't have that luck.
Most people would say that my words are harsh, yea they are, they always have been. Blunt and direct is how I am. I don't, at all consume myself with him, but I do wish to hear of something tragic. I want his Christmas to be horrid and lonely. I want him to sit in his room alone, crying at the sadness that is his life. The loneliness that is his existence. Rob used to say to me that he doesn't even "know how to be mean" - that he couldn't and would never hurt me...all the while hurting me and being awful to me, indirectly, cuz I didn't find out, behind my back. Happiness isn't deserved on his end. Peace and serenity are not warranted. I wish to hear of the day that some other unfortunate fool that he hooks up with, plays with his head, sleeps around behind his back, gives him some, hopefully, fatal, disease cuz I need a good hardy laugh.
People tend to think that I don't mean what I say. Again I don't live an angry life at all...I'm much more positive that I thought I would be at this stage, BUT when it comes to Rob, I would give up my own life, if I knew the rest of his existence would be as tragic as I wish for it to be. I would give up all my friends, to know that he is dead. To know of his misery makes me smile. I wouldn't shed a tear if I heard of his passing, not now, not ever. I just remember what he did to me, and there is no forgiveness to be given, nothing to forget. Moving on yes, forgetting, not gonna happen. He obviously hurt me to an extreme if I have these feelings. My other exes, who I still to this day think highly of, I wouldn't wish this on them at all...actually no one in my life, with the exception of someone who is no longer involved with me, Rob. I could care less what people say or think of me when I mention what I would like to see happen to Rob, and allot of people don't believe me, but trust me, no one knows what he put me through, how he made me feel, how he betrayed me, insulted me and hurt me...no one. He used to say that he never wanted us to go to bed, or end the night on a bad note...Funny how he was the one who ended it as he did, out in some strangers car, or bed...and expected me to be happy? Well at least if I didn't find out. I did. He can cover up any way he wishes, but he should always remember, that we spent 15 years as friends/lovers and if anyone knows him, its me. What his mother and father know of him is nothing in comparison to what I know. Again they too would be disgusted. The only reason I wish to bump into them, is to tell them..that day will come, somehow, sometime.
I remember years ago, I had a similar situation with a cousin of mine. Telling my cousins mother, of how her daughter was, brought my aunt to tears and screams of "No!!!!' when she was told of her daughters actions, I want to hear that from Robs mother and father...That would be the icing on the cake!
x

Cheaters(Rob) Always Get Found Out -

The big talk in the sports/entertainment world lately has been the Tiger Woods sex scandal. Hookers, slags, lewd text message and more...As of yesterday, his wife has decided to file for divorce. Again as I mentioned a few months back, I can sympathize with this type of scenario. Stories circulated as to how Tiger would pay the wife X amount, millions, to stay with him? Shes been recently photographed by the paps without her wedding band.
Once I threw Rob out of my life, I removed anything related to him, things he had given me. Out the door. I had bought us, years back, "wedding bands". He never wore his. Granted it was too large, but if the symbolism of the rings meant anything to him, he would have had it sized down. I wore it just about everyday, until that day in May when I got rid of it. Necklaces he bought me, went to the trash.
The story of Tiger Woods rings to clear to me and as I say, I sympathise with the Missus, soon to be ex, from new reports. This is the exact same game Rob played on me. I recall years back, while working, on a break, I went on to call Robs voicemail from a payphone near work, to find, messages of fellow whores, replying to his call to them. I went on to bombard the slag who was calling Rob with countless blank voice mails. Calling and hanging up. Childish, I know, but at the time I was lost, no clue what to do...it would take about 10 more years for me to figure out that it never stopped.
Elin Woods, I think that's her name...has had enough after one fling led to discoveries of many more...luckily for her, it wasted 5 years of marriage, where as in my situation, Rob wasted 15. But Elin would get my full support and respect for dumping such a man whore as her husband. Same applies to Rob. Funny that a sportsman and Rob have something in common. Unfortunately it isn't a positive similarity they share. Both are not trustworthy and liars as well as cheats. Too bad international humiliation didn't fall into Robs lap. This is what he deserves, still.
Going through photos for a project I'm working on, led me to find some photos of Rob I hadn't deleted. Looking at him repulsed me. Thinking that I kept the situation as it was for years, was disgusting to me. The fact that I knew things were going on behind my back, pissed me off, so it was easy to delete photos and such.
Elin has the right sense of self respect, that I lacked years ago. Why should she put up with it, even for millions? As i say Rob would cover his guilt with gifts as well, so hes just as sick as Mr Woods. I used to like Tiger Woods, for what he stood for, well rounded american hero. Americas good boy, thats no longer, hes tarnished and branded as a cheat, as is Rob.
Sad characters, the both of them. The deserve the harsh words as what they gave to us is much worse, what they did to us is much worse than what they have to live with.
Cheaters always get found out!
x

Rob: A Poster Child of Faggot...

Well early morning on a December morning, peaceful and slow - for now -
In re-reading some of my posts the other day, I thought that I should explain my terminology. Those who know me well would understand my choice of words and such. I, being queer, call myself just that. Queer, for different. Queer isn't a bad thing, isn't a negative term to me. Fag or faggot I use in a negative fashion. Rob to me, is a faggot. Let me explain. I'm not one of these typical fags who messes around with anything that moves or shows the slightest interest in me. I'm not promiscuous, I don't have bathroom sex or seedy alley sex. I dot go to parks to get off, I don't call slag sex chat lines. Rob fits that description to a T, including the park sex. In a previous entry I mention Robs park hook up(s), as told to me by him. Rob also calls the chat lines and meets faggots such as himself. I believe he calls straight lines to, as that bill I saw months back had numbers that as far as I know cater to the hetero community...Rob also gets off on line, via web cam. Now that's really not that trashy, people need to get off, but he makes himself sound as if he doesn't do any of this, all of which Ive proved to him and myself as well as a few others. Faggots are the ones who spread disease and get the clap. Faggots put other homosexuals at risk of and STD. At the same time, Faggots are also a selfish breed as they only look at themselves, that they re satisfied regardless of any repercussions. Faggot(s) are people, to me, who live double lives. Those who are in a relationship of sorts, yet mess around. This is again, Rob, to a T. If they don't get caught the continue, when they do get caught, or at least the last time I caught Rob, I got the excuse, "I'm lonely" -
Queers on the other hand, and again this is my view, my definitions...Queers look for friends, look to have a good time, are different, hence the word Queer. When in a relationship, they remain monogamous, they don't lie, cheat, do things behind their partners back. I don't call chat lines or those types of things. I do chat on line, something I have never denied. I don't on the other hand get off on the WWW. The chats I use, are just for that, chatting about this that and the other thing. Things happening in town, arranging get together to get to know fellow queers. Not to hook up. My friends, those who are gay or predominantly Queer, the odd faggot here and there but those are guys I don't really think highly of.
I'm not looking to meet or get involved with other faggots. Ive had my share and am done with them....A nice queer boy would be nice to meet someday...just not yet. Personally I'm not ready for anything like that. As I mentioned before, I'm enjoying my time. Sure I go out and have a good time, sometimes too good, but Ive sacrificed enough over the last decade or so. But one day, who can say what will happen...but should I give into the world of "love" ever again, it will be with a fellow Queer not some selfish faggot, I spent 15 years knowing someone like that, and that is the last time that will happen. This Queer has learned his lesson, though a hard one to learn, I have learned something.
The dictionary definition of Faggot, should have Robs photo next to it, as that's all one really need to know.
Rob is the poster child of Faggot -
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A Wolf in Sheeps Clothing...

Years ago I used to work in a different dept than I do these days...My old boss asked me this morning, "Your bitch still driving you into work?" - I told her I haven't seen him since May of this year. She was surprised as she thought we had a great "post relationship" friendship - so did I until May. I went on to explain how we had been getting on much better the last 4, 5 months prior to May, and I was thinking, possibly hoping, to try and reconcile, as he was sounding like he was heading in that direction as well from things he would say to me, how he would act etc - that was quickly shattered upon my return and my "findings". I went on to tell her a nutshell version of how he is a wolf in sheep's clothing. He's not what he appears to be. That he can play all sweet and innocent and what not with others, but not with me. I know the real Rob, most don't. She was surprised at hearing his sex chat calls, his hooks ups, worse than that the possibility of putting ME at risk of some STD. She went on about her shock at the situation. She asked me why he would lie to me?? Ive asked myself that a million times. All I can think of his utter self humiliation and embarrassment at the kind of person he really is, a typical, promiscuous, self loathing, faggot...I found out. I told her how I asked him if he slept with anyone, to which he responded, "no"...She said, "well that's good"...I responded with, "No...", that I then asked, "Did you suck some guys cock and come back to me and kiss me on MY lips" - to which the response was, Yes", her jaw dropped. Partially due to the language and partially at Robs response. She said she felt bad for me and I told her I was over it. I told her how I was completely honest with him, telling him when I had fallen in lust with someone while together, how Id slept with someone after our relationship fell apart etc. I didn't lie to him, I didn't with hold that kind of info as I couldn't. I told her that when he responded yes to my asking him if he had gone down on another guy, that was in reference to our earlier years together, as I knew he was fooling around be hind my back. Friends can attest to these suspicions, early on in the relationship. I knew he was cheating or had cheated. I told her of my holiday in May of this year, and what he had been up to, in my apt, in my bed, while I was away, she said "What an awful creature, I'm so shocked" - I told her how whe Rob wanted to have sex he would make advances towards me, but when I did, it fell on deaf ears. How he thought I was just a shag buddy, that he forgets is his style and not mine. I was who had sex with when his "tricks" werent around, but had no idea. When people know the truth about it, the real truth, not some sugar coated version, they're opinions of Rob are brutal. Which to me, puts a small smirk on my face. She went on to say, "When you said leaving him was the best thing you did, I thought you were still hanging out" - I told her, as of May, that day when I asked him to go back to my apt, clear it of his things and what not, it was over. Hearing him finally confess, weeks later, to many infidelities, was when the sadness was lifted. I stopped crying. I was hurt but the tears stopped and anger moved in. Hearing that as Ive said to many and written a million times, proved to me that he didn't have the love for me that I had for him. Love for him quickly died with confirmation of such lewd acts behind my back were confessed.
At times I think of him when it was his birthday, the fact that Christmas is just around the corner and I have zero feelings for him. I may miss the companionship, but I didn't deserve what he did to me and for that, I will never forgive or ever want him in my life, to any degree ever again. There is no place in my life for such trash. Ive been crossed before, as we all have, but never to this degree. Again as I always say, trust is the biggest thing for me, and I lost that with Rob. He is no different that these sleaze bags Ive seen trolling out of the bath houses at ridiculous hours of the night. That is what Rob has always been, it just took me 15 years to realise that and do something about it -
Rob was and always will be, A Wolf in Sheep's Clothing -
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No "Christmas Past"....

The other day while waltzing to work, as I stood by the road side, waiting for the lights to change...who should zip by me but, Rob! It was a feel good day for me for whatever reason. Im sure he recognized me, or saw me. He couldnt have missed me..ha ha.
Miserable looking is all I can say. The last few days Ive been "off". This is my first "solo" holiday season. So things are different, but I deal. A few people suspect its in reference to the ex. Its so not the case. Its the smartest thing I have done in a while. I can say I sorta missed someones approval on holiday decorations, something so simple, but I lost interest and left it as is. No one to enjoy it...so I let it be. Im learning to enjoy my time with others in my life, so this is new to me, and its exciting at the same time - Next!
Having finally had my first "run in" with Rob, though not as I imagined, I still wanted to hurl my handbag at his car. I didnt get full of rage as it was sorta fast as it happened. Thoughts of pure hatred though coarsed through my veins. Thought of not missing him were confirmed, thoughts of, "did i do the right thing", were confirmed. As i sit in my apt on nights in, I enjoy the fact that no one is around. I dont have to deal with the drama queen antics of Rob. My other friends arent as dramatic which is a pleasant change. As Ive said earlier, I dont have to put up with the ridiculousness that was my life, same time last year. The falsehood of lving the life I lived is over. Im looking forward to getting on with my plans for the holiday season, meeting up with old friends, as annoying as family can be, Im looking forward to that as well. I dont long for the same Christmas' of days gone by, they werent real, they werent what I needed or wanted. Guilt gifts are un neccessay. Being greatful that he got away with things, by masking them with gift giving is over. While throwin up a few Christmas decorations here and there, I found Robs stocking as well as a personalised ornament my mother purchased for Rob...The stocking found its way to the bin, and a hammer found its way through the ornament, as pretty as it was, his name was plastered all over,and finally the hammer had its way with it. It was almost theraputic to slam the hammer through his name. Im glad that sadness doesnt take over, rather, fulfillment that I can do these things, I can carry on with no remorse, no feelings towards him. This holiday season will be differnt, but more of what it should really be like, not the holidays of "Christmas past" -
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Flushed down...

Well well so now we have approached the eve of Robs 41st sad year - While at work the other day, some mentioned the upcoming tragedies of Robs bday. My comment back was, "theres nothing to celebrate at the fact that hes lived this long" - To which one friend said, "you don't mean that" - "I do", was my response. I don't think people realise the hatred I have for him. Ive never had this hatred for anyone else, well one other person, but they re dead now. I don't dwell on it as hes not worth my time, but when hes mentioned, I say awful, vile things all of which I mean. Rob to me is not a human being, Ive said all this before. Only bad news from his life is a good thing to me. Friends who took him out to dinner, I told them to make sure they don't catch anything from him, to make sure they "sanitize" - I was told to "play nice" lol. I do, not when it comes to Rob. I hope tomorrow he reflects on his stupidity. I hope he has a miserable day and it drags on, about thoughts of what a real loser he is. Theres a song called "Sad" - lyrics below -

Sorry about your life
Sorry about your face
I didn't break your heart
Or tamper with your brakes
You were headed for a spin
So you tried to drag me in
Maybe you had a difficult life
Maybe you're just the faithless kind

Well I got my revenge
My name in neon lights
You got what you deserved
Your sad and miserable life

Sad sad sad sad sad sad
And worse than that you think you're so bad
I could beat ya
I could teach ya
I'm not coming down to meet ya
You're so sad

Which are fitting to Robs life...Sad. My life has carried on, moved forward, made change and all of which I'm thrilled about. Life has new meaning now, living is happening more than the last decade of my life. Doing this is easier not having to put up with his lack of living or loving for that matter.
Tonight I will be stepping out, sure I will drink a glass to him, the fact that he is out of my life for good, is reason enough to cheers to, with real friends.
The holidays are coming up and this to will be a happier holiday being with the people I love and who truly and genuinely love me back. Gifts mean nothing to me, thoughts are what count, real people count. The only gift for Rob this year, from me, was flushed down the toilet about 20 minutes back, its what he deserves, its what he will get...
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Robs pathetic year...will continue

As another year comes to an end for Rob, I'm trying to think what good he had/has done to himself or others for that matter, while in my life at least. For the most part of the year, Rob has been history, but until 2009 comes to an end, he will be part of the end of this decade. Our last together in any way, shape or form. He lost his best friend, was caught out and proved to be a liar, ended up back into(useless) therapy, ended up back home with mum and dad. Was there any good? As far as I know he never even ventured out of the country, but that I cant prove and really don't care, its just what I know, until told otherwise. I wont say that there had been many highlights in 2009, but can surely hold my head high for what has happened, for things I changed. Had I not stepped up when I did, we would probably be in the same position we were a year ago. Living fake lives, unhappy lives, sadly routined lives, something we lived for the last 7, 8 years. I have special people in my life, thankfully. As I mentioned in earlier posts, 2010 will be a new year, a new beginning for me. I think and hope, that for Rob it will be a lonely year. A year to realise how he messed up his own life, how he tried to drag me down with him. A year to realise, finally, that he cant get away with things hes done. He fooled me for along time, that has come to an end. A year of misery as he has deserved, for a long time now, is hopefully what await him. The beginning of his 40's was the beginning of a new life for him as well. A shady life, deceitful life, maybe an honest life? But that would make it a trashy life. He must be used to life without me, as I am used to life without him. With still no desire to be in the same area with him, I'm sure he must feel the same, but if only for fear of what I may say or do. 41 and 2010 for Rob will carry on as the past few years have, you cant teach an old dog new tricks, and that's exactly what Rob is, "an old do" who does "tricks" - Some things will never change as they never did. Robs existence will continue, to me, to be, pitiful and pathetic regardless of any changes he may make. He could do nothing to redeem himself, not in my eyes, not that Id want him to, just saying in passing. Although I don't think of him like I used to when I first kicked him out of here and out of my life, I still get full of rage at the thought of him. Again, he cant feel this towards me when I didn't do what he did to me, as friends or lovers. Another miserable year for Rob up ahead - more than likely and I'm chanting for that!
Robs pathetic year...will continue for years to come...
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