Birthday Bliss!!

Out with 38 and in with 39!
This birthday, to me, in an odd way, signifies a new beginning. A new solo adventure. Rob knew me from the ages of about 23 to 38, a long time. I go into 39, single, on my own and with anticipation. Ive reached a personal goal just the other day. On Nov 25th 2008, I decided to start watching myself, healthwise, size wise etc. I started my new "regime", weighing in at 188lbs, I now am thrilled to say, I am 167lbs. Thats over 20lbs! I did it. Although Im still not thrilled at my size, its a personal thing, Im glad I was able to acheive this. So in that respect, 39 is a off to a good start. I have a few dinner plans this upcoming week, thru til weeks end. So it will be exhausting, but each and every one that I am spending these times with, are worthwile, true people. People I love and trust. I dont need expensive gifts, to be showered with gifts. Rob would always do that, and now in retrospect it was out of guilt, not joy, well most of it. In a way, 39 is starting out on a more realistic look on life. As I mentioned Rob tried living a false lifestyle in many ways, or he went about it, goes about it wrong. Im able to still acquire most things I want, so financially its the same. I have a few social friends, which is a great start to "getting out there". I plan for more changes in 2010 as I mentioned earlier on in this blog. Ive done things already, that I was putting off til next spring/summer, so Im a few steps ahead and its a nice feeling.
38, was a shitty year. Too many dramas. My holiday to London was a highlight of my 38th. Rob ruined my mid year with his skankiness, but I rid myself of him. Late 38, was a time of change, of acceptance, of independance. I congratulate myself on small goals thus far and things can only get better from here, and in many more ways, as some already have ;)
Happy Birthday to me!!
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Desire(ous)

Well having stepped out last week for a night out, I met a guy whose shown interest in me. I find that funny as I don't understand, I never do, what people like about me. My joke to them, is that I look better with dimmed lights, and a bit of liquid courage coarsing through my veins, like in a club ha ha, or that any pic they see of me, is just that a good pic, not that I really look like that. I guess that's part of low self esteem, but regardless I carry on. Its nice to feel desirable. As Ive mentioned before, the last 5, 6 even 7 years of being with Rob, which is pretty much the last half of our time together, he never made me feel this way. Funny how strangers can do the complete opposite in a short period of time. I tell these guys when they ask to get together with me, that I'm not looking for "hook ups" - That's something my ex did not me,and continued to do while we were together, hence, being single...and loving it these days. Chatting with a friend the other day, I mentioned my "no desire" to be with anyone. This is my time. This is time for me to enjoy my own company, the company of others. I don't think of having someone special. The thought is nice, but now its nothing I care to have. Maybe in time, but for now - uh no. Right now I just care to expand my social circle. To get to know people, in order to have the right people in my life. I already have met a few, that I'm glad Ive met. This new guy, the one thing I like about him, is he is a man, something Rob wasn't. I mean he(this new guy)is all man. Not some lanky, wimpy, sexless male, like the one I spent the greater part of my youth with, my lost youth as I refer to it these days.
I'm not gonna lie, meeting new people, going out on my own is always scary, in different ways. Im so suspect of everyone, I feel that everyone has a hidden agenda. I feel this way I think, cuz of things that went on between Rob and I. Thanks to Rob I hate the "queer world". Im slowly coming to realise that all queers are not like Rob. Ive met some sweet guys who want the same things I want, not just bed hopping. I did that in my younger years, been there done that. Alot of queers never outgrow that, Rob being one of those. It's nice to know there is some substance to some men out there. Rob was just about living a fictious life. A glamorous life that he has all wrong. Ive said it before that Im a simple person, happiness doesnt have to consist of what is Robs perception of happy, he confuses happy with trashy and who wants or really needs that? Not this boy.

Real Men...Not Rob...Real Memories..Not With Rob...

The other day, while thinking of one of my new "friends", he has something very familiar about him. I went on to search online for friends from my past days, to see if anyone could confirm my information. To my "chagrins", I found my first bf, Neil, and some of the friends we hung around with, at that time in my life. Anyways, one connection led to another, to exchanging numbers, planning a "reunion" of sorts, chat here and there. Upon getting first contact with Neil, I became all "gitty", just a funny, fun, happy feeling. When I ran into the next, and the next, I was taken back to the "good ole daze" - A time of minimal responsibility, rampant love affairs, late night drinking, the odd "druggin" and dancing binges, club hopping, late night, early mornings. They truly were the best! I understand part of it is youth...but I loved that lifestyle. I know now as an adult I need to be responsible, with the odd adventure and fun times thrown in the mix, somehow, sometimes. Having gone out the last couple of times, kinda reliving those days, has given me a new, sort of attitude, change in life. When I was with Rob I never lived any of those nights, with the exception during the "courting" period, where we would go to clubs/out. Shortly thereafter, that dwindled from minimal to nil. Clubbing has always been something Ive loved. I met Rob in club. We met on the phone, but our first face to face was at a club called, Colbys. Years into the relationship, while watching something on the television, in regards to people who live lives of clubbing and relaxed living. I never wanted to be that extreme. But said to Rob, "I'm living the wrong life."(in regards to the clubbing part), he said, "you like clubs?" With this real puzzled look on his face. I was shocked at that question, he had known me the better part of 8/9 years at that point. So puzzled at that question I was. So basically he(Rob), didn't know the real me, in many ways.
In regards to my "old" friends. The guys I hung out with back in those days, were the best to be around. We had highs and lows. Things were extreme at times, and at other times, things seemed more like a comedy sketch. The drama was all over the place, but the core of us, never bullshitted the other. No one in the core group lied about things. These were times of living off the system and having fun with it, youth. We had minimal money, and too much time.
One of the guys I chatted to said, that when he was in a shop the other day, and saw an Oleta Adams CD, he thought of me. When Neil and I dated, just a spring romance, we had "our song" and it was, Get Here, by Oleta Adams...That was funny to hear from someone. The few years that that crowd hung around, was a fraction of the time I knew Rob. Those memories, to this day, are the best days of my life. That was good honest, but street poor, life. The guys, throughout all these years have been with me in memories, never forgotten. The impact was great as its been 20 years and I feel the same. Memories of Rob stir nothing in me. Even amazing memories, we did together, they are now about me. I went to Africa, I went to the Mayan Riviera. The memories are differnt.
Im not saying that I will be going back to that lifestyle. None of us live it and none of us could, but being back in touch with good guys like that is such a good feeling.
Real Men who gave me Real Memories...not Rob
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Coward...The description fits.

The other night out with a few friends, from the cyber world...I got questioned about my last relationship, as that is mentioned in my profile. I gave the nutshell version, cuz really..Ive talked about it enough to people. Yet I get the message across real clear these days in the nutshell version. - Asked how it ended, its always fun to tell, see earlier posts about my return home from holiday... told of the text battle we had, which led Rob to scurry away. Coward is what my friend Patrick said...and how fitting. Yes he was a coward. Unable to face me, unable to talk to me, ignoring me, "needing time to himself" - all the while I was the one wronged. So yes, coward, is another adjective I can use to describe one Robert Sanita. I never though of the word coward, I don't think ha ha. I just refer to him, when I do, as a cheat and a liar. Obviously those were the main reasons I dumped his scrawny ass. But yea coward is fitting as well. Whenever we were to discuss something of a serious nature, he would clam up. Denying, avoiding, sweeping problems under the carpet, that's what he is like, unless therapy is teaching him otherwise, but I doubt it highly. Embarrassing as Ive mentioned before, yet another adjective to describe him. Its also a good adjective for myself, as I was stupid enough, blind enough, sad enough even, to have put up with what I knew was happening and had happened years earlier. I recall when I was on holiday, actually standing outside Boy George's home, waiting for him to arrive...How I got this text that the porn channel wasn't working? Of course that caught my curiosity, little did I know what it would all mean, what was happening in my home, in my bedroom. Little hints like this, while away, led my mind to wander and my thoughts were right. He went about how were weren't together...Now technically no, but ask anyone in our circle of friends, at the time how he carried as if my boyfriend, with me. I made points of stressing my individuality, but down to basics, we were living and acting like partners. He obviously was playing head games as he had for many years before. Having everything crash in his face made him run, made him hide and made him disappear. My text of, "wish i never met you", rang loud and clear and with one hundred percent truth. I wish I hadn't. I wasted too much of my time. He didnt waste his time as he was having his cake and eating it too, why would he complain? Why would he "leave me"?? - I got the balls to shut him out and start living again. I want, need real friends. If I get involved with anyone on a serious level, he would have to be a man in every way, that Rob definitely wasn't. I stress that people with colourful pasts should stay out of my way. This includes Rob. His past, and his time with me, were extremely "colorful", before and during our time together. He continued right til the end to play games with my head. He is soon to be 41 and a more pathetic human being, of his age, Ive never met. RIP Rob, the man I met, is dead. Hs actions killed him to me. Sad he will forever be....and a coward...The description fits him like a glove.
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Profiles....Hmmm

I was just overlooking the blog and noticing the profile pics etc. Well let me explain. The photo on the top right of the blog, at one point was actually a pic of the ex, until he called the police and whined about this blog, apart from other things I did, created, said, in frustration early on when this friendship took its last breath. Anyways, it wasn't even the phone call from the police that made me change it, it was a frantic, overly dramatic call from concerned friend of mine, that Rob cried to. So on her words, I decided to change the pic. I replaced it with a sexy pic of a boy I know in cyberland. Much better pic than the original one...
The pic, under, "About Me", is, yours truly!
Once Rob was "evicted" from 2 Regal Rd, he left countless DVDs, misc little items, but lots, here and there. I made him aware of what he left back and no word was uttered about getting the rest of his things. I took it upon myself to get rid of them somehow. Certain things I just threw in the trash...his DVD sets he left behind came in handy as well as his IPod and a few other collections and such. I managed to make about $300 in total of selling his "junk". I decided to treat myself, to get me something nice with his money. Id been eyeing this hoodie, the one in the pic, for weeks, contemplating if I should or shouldn't. I did! With that extra "income" provided by the sales I made. I purchased a hoodie, from Boy George's clothing line, B-Rude. I love it. I deserve it...and I call it, The last thing Rob bought me... I'm not materialistic as most think, I was more simple than Rob, and I don't mean that as an attack, its how it was. That hoodie as much as I love it , I hate it...its almost a reminder of him, sort of like, I used his money to purchase it. On the other hand I think, Its so cool to have, thrilled that I own it, and I earned it and guilt goes away. So I had to photograph myself in it and there you go...
The history of my B-Rude hoodie and the profiles.
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Horrible, irresponsible, disgusting human being - He is...

As much as I don't care about anything in regards to Rob...the odd thing, or thought does cross my mind. I'm curious as to what he tells people in regards to being "single". You know how the conversation goes, after any split, of any kind for that matter, between lovers, friends even family for that matter. Does he tell the truth about being single again? Does he tell that his cheating and lying is what led him to be single, to lose his, one time, best friend? I doubt he could tell the truth. It's not that, "it didn't work out", its not, "we grew apart" - its, "I lied and cheated on my ex boyfriend/friend" - that is what he has to say, to be truthful at least. He couldn't possibly admit this to anyone, he could hardly admit it to me without massive hesitation. I had to force the truth from him. After knowing him 16+ years, I still had to force the truth out of him, so I doubt any of his current "friendships/relationships" are of a truthful nature. I speak the truth loud and clear, with no hesitation, no embarrassment, no denial of my past, in way, shape or form for that matter, any situation is open for discussion. I don't clam up, I don't deny anything about my past with Rob, before and after Rob. That's what makes the difference between Mr Sanita and Mr Marcantonio. He should count his blessings, get on his knobby knees and thank god he had someone like me in his life. He will never have anyone like me, he doesnt deserve anyone like me...I'm not all that and abag a chips, I'm far from it BUT, Rob will never be able to have what we had with anyone. Primarily cuz he was able to get away with allot of bullshit, behind my back that is. Hopefully no other faggot will be as dumb as me to overlook, let slide by, what he has done in the past and will more than likely continue for the rest of his days. As Ive said a million times, since I closed the door on him, he deserves a life of misery. I would say that I wanted him dead, and as much as I do...I think a loooong life of misery, mental torture, head games, filthy diseases, family trauma, desperate loneliness is more appropriate! His head games with me went on for years, he knows it, he;s not that dumb, I was. He never showed an ounce of guilt for what he did, he regrettd it only when caught but before that, he lived life with as if nothing had ever happened. That is the defintion of a "horrible, irresponsible, disguting human being" - That is one, Robert Sanita!
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Dysfunctional!

Its weird how watching art imitate life, or is it the other way around...makes me see how my past situations, sort of affect me. Watching a show of such dysfunction is always interesting. When the one character realised, or came to admit to herself, her husbands infidelity, I got sort of a butterfly feeling in my stomach. I felt bad for her, I sympathised with her. For a brief moment I was sad. She didn't understand why her husband would go behind her back. For the first time, I was/am able to relate to a character whose gone through something personal like that. The character said that she wasn't telling anyone because its was embarrassing, it was admission of failure in society. I wont say that my situation is an embarrassment, other than the fact that Rob fooled me time and time again...that i was a fool to forgive him and carried on, that was the stupidity of my part. If I was the person I said I was, when I first found out that Rob was cheating on me, early on in the relationship, I should have ended it, yet carried on, for 10+ years. If I have to think about it, it is/was a sad situation, but for the fact that I was wronged, it is easier to deal with. Watching the husband on stage, and having this hate for him for doing what he did to his wife, I think of Rob...The hatred towards him that I feel. The woman still loved her and so she told him as he walked out. It was made clear that if it didn't work out with the husband and his play toy, that it wouldn't work out between them regardless, that's how I felt and feel. I couldn't possibly have anything to do with Rob ever again, to any capacity. The hurt this character felt, came through to me as I experienced the same thing. It was as if, that part of my life was played out on stage, I took it personal, I understood the tears she shed, the screams she yelped. The character was a strong character, an independent character. This, I'm trying to be. Feeling betrayed like the character, hearing her say she was betrayed, her love and trust were betrayed, rang loud and clear to me. The character of the jilted wife, I loved. I am or was that person. I, at times cant believe that that happened to me as I look back but it has. Having washed Rob out of my hair is easier with each passing day. The hate and betrayal I feel still are strong feelings in me. The thought of him repulses me, the fact that I was taken for a fool for such a long time, that I carried on knowing what I knew to be true, pisses me off. Touching his body, lips and more, disgust me. The fact that he would touch someone else's lips apart from mine, makes me sick to my stomach. Knowing he shed his clothing in front of someone else, and then coming back to my bed, makes me wanna throw up. The female character eventually, was alone, stormed out of the house, to carry one a new life...That is my character. No time for more for anymore games, yet time to start over again.

Victim? Molested? Think again...

Over the years, in times of "drama", when Rob would breakdown and speak of his past, before I was in the picture, through tears and sobbing...he would sound upset at certain events of years gone by. Again he mentioned to me being molested as a kid, I don't even buy that these days. You've heard of these kids at younger than average ages, who mess around, screw around, I'm a firm believer that this is what Rob's childhood issues were, not that he was molested. He pursued these dramas, they didn't just happen beyond his control. That's more of a "sob story" to feed people, to feel sorry for him, I doubt very highly that there is any truth in that "story". His getting upset at past family issues never makes sense to me as he did the exact same thing in his private/personal life, with me. It obviously couldn't have affected him to any degree. One winter night, after a few too many drinks at a family dinner, I came home, we chatted on the phone and for whatever reason, I lost it on Rob. It was probably the home brew that pushed me over the edge but it was liquid courage to vent my frustrations. But as they say, the truth usually comes out when you're on the sauce. I remember yelling in the phone, that "what your father did to your mother, you did to me!" - The way you re dad hurt your mom, you did to me. I no longer wanted to hear the "same old same old" - It was just a line he would feed me and others. So sad to use family as an excuse when obviously you learned nothing from it, yet just an offspring of the same nature. Whats worse is to make up stories and cry crocodile tears at history, that really didn't happen. For that alone he should despise himself considering there are real victims of these issues, he was not victim, just playing one - I don't buy it!
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Trashy Creature of the Night

As I sit here in the early morning darkness, I enjoy the only quiet time of the day for me. It reminds of the days that all Rob wanted to do, what Rob would do if I allowed him when he stayed here, was to sleep to all morning. I could never understand how he could sleep so much. Along with a mid day, early evening nap. If I nap during the day, theres no way I'm sleeping when its actually bedtime. I always feel early morning is the best time of day...BUT for Rob, after experiencing life with him, his "hidden second life", it now makes sense, the need to nap or the desire to sleep til all hours of the morning. He was and would be up til the wee hours of the morning. Out and about, whether it be on the sex chat lines, out meeting guys or, as I recently discovered, with my own eyes, getting off on the WWW on Cam4...-
I lead a fairly normal, 9-5 life, I thought Rob did to until I found out otherwise. It would amaze me that he would leave here at 9-ish, or 10-ish on weekends, when he ventured to mums. But again, little did I know that as I went to bed, he went out or called up his "slag" jack off buddies or hooked up with some of the trash he still encounters I'm sure. This started years ago as Ive noted in previous entries. Is funny as Ive mentioned before, that when I first met Rob he would tell me about the countless late night "tricks", it never changed. It took years to realise this, to admit this to myself, yet not to Rob himself, when this was discussed. Again as Ive said Rob is a habitual liar, always in denial even with hardcore proof. It explains, sorta, the laziness he had, the exhaustion he told me of on our drives into work...I would be exhausted too. Hes no longer 22, yet an aging old sad queen/queer of 40+, yet lives, tries, the life of a 20 something year old. If I had to grade Rob on life in general he would get a huge F - FAILURE. Being able to get laid by fellow whores and slags is not living, yet more of a slow death, which is imminent, I crave for news of illness or sadness or depression, anything that is headed his way in a negative aspect. Ive said before I'm a true believer in karma and he had no positive energy headed anytime soon, nor is it deserved. I remember telling him in a letter, that hes broken more than one commandment, towards me at least. His faith in GOD is a blurred one as he cant follow what he preaches in that respect. I can only imagine his grandparents, who came to this land for a better life, rolling in their graves as he must be the biggest disappointment in his family. Most of his family that I met over the years, were stable, intelligent and good people, sad that it stopped with Rob - He is nothing like the family members I met - His grandparent would be disgusted if they knew how he turned out, and are probably better off in another dimension, as that's nothing to be proud of..
He's just a trashy creature of the night!
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Feel Good Day

The other day, while on route to the theatre district, i bumped into a woman, Ive referred to as my, "bus buddy". I see her just about everyday and we exchange pleasantries usually with a nod of the head or smile, while on our way to work. Today while going down the stairs to the local tube platform, she came by by side and said good morning, to which I obviously and politely, wished her the same, with a smile and a soft spoken, "good morning". I took my usual spot on the platform, while listening to some "reg-gay" music. She came and stood by me and I noticed she was taking her earphones out, as if to say something to me, so I did the same, casually. She leaned over and said, "Ive been wanting to say hi to you for a while", I responded with, "well we see each every morning..". We started out chatting, all the way through work. She was sweet to me and liked me for whatever reason. She said she "liked my look" to which Ive heard the odd time, here and there, and have no clue as to what people mean - I draw on my eyebrows, but that's certainly not "a look"?? Speaking of which, while switching trains, she said, "Oh and ?I love your eyebrows" - I said to her, after a giggle, "they cause allot of unwanted attn", again giggle giggle. It was a great way to start off a gloomy Monday. It made me feel good about myself. I have a very low ego, and I'm cool with it, contrary to popular belief. Having low self esteem, makes me appreciate myself a bit more, if that makes sense...is it 4:20 hmmm
Having someone take an interest is such a great feeling. Rob hadn't made me feel that way in such a long time. I'm not saying I did, or maybe i did, in my special way, blind to him...Regardless, though no friendship is to be foreseen here, we will see each other on the tube, for a time to come if we are both employed as we are. She made me smile and feel good about, Franco. Its funny how a complete stranger can change your day, from the get go...and yet, someone you think(thought) you can trust, someone you believe to be your best friend/partner(in crime) can do the complete opposite. Rob was more of a strange, than the woman I met today.

3rd Time a Charm...Not

While on lunch the other day, with a gal pal of mine - she says to me with excitement, maybe more shock?? "Guess who I saw this weekend?!" I thought it was a mutual friend whose b-day had passed...Nope, Rob. I "pffft-ed" basically and carried on with our conversation, sans Rob. We went on to talk about the weekend etc. She told me there were some pics of the weekends events on Facebook. Then went on to say, "you can see Rob's back in one of the pics." - god love her! - I said, "that's his best side cuz his face cant be seen." -
She went on to tell me he was "seeing someone", as in a shrink. This would be, as far as I know his 3rd attempt at therapy. There is no support to be given, not from my end. He needs it, he should never be without it, but support - nah. I told my friend, I went to therapy the one time, for a long time, but kept it up with the same therapist for about 5 years. I learned allot about myself and life in general. Ive not had, suicidal thoughts, even in times of excruciating pain, that's history. I'm no longer depressed or messed up - and boy was I messed up, pre therapy. My therapy was a one stop deal. Get better, figure things out and start living. For this I give myself an A+, cause, its been accomplished!
Rob on the other had...I referred to him, to my gal pal, as a "defective". He doesn't admit to all his wrong doing, not even to himself. The man is a sad creature. 3rd time round in therapy, and for whatever reason I don't even believe that. Is he saying this so others think he is helping himself, cuz I'm sure hes not.
This blog came up in conversation and I was asked, "you still keep it up" - "Oh yea" I shot back. This is my therapy. Spewing hatred, that Id rather not act on, but put in writing as a way to let it out, to deal with, to admit to myself my mistakes, how I was made to feel, and how I made myself feel...that's what this blog is about. I could careless if Rob were to read it, its all true and he knows it..its just my story and the aftermath..at this point a good laugh can be had, but how he made me feel, I doubt will pass anytime soon. I said in my letter to him, my letter of closure, to "not do this to anyone else". To not do, what he pulled on me, to anyone else. It wasn't fair, wasn't right and definitely not deserved. Considering he was as sexually active as a piece of stale toast, you'd think Id be the one messing around...too weird? All backwards if I think about it...
Anyways...Theres no saving him...In this one case, I DONT think,
"3rd Time is a Charm"
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