Rob Wasnt My Kind Of People....

Summer long weekends always bring on a slew of fun! This long weekend is no exception and its only just begun. When I was with Rob, the idea of long weekends, in theory, was something to look forward to, until it would be the last day of the long weekend and we had done absolutely nothing! A total waste of time, with my then dull partner, Rob. This weekend so far, brought on an awesome encounter with a guy I met. His name is Jonathon. A sweet boy who lives down the road - we met up for drinks and a chat...was very romantic in an odd way... Eventually found our way back to my place for a drink and then some. Hanging around with him was so nice and allot of fun. Sure we are different in so many ways, but thats what makes it interesting. In the end, with Rob and I, there was nothing interesting. He was dull and lifeless and had been for years. With Jonathon, it was like a breath of fresh air. I had him spend the night, if only due to our being inebriated and not wanting to take a chance on him losing his was down the road. Waking up together was nice. Looking over and seeing him next to me was sweet, and was nice to go wake him up with a kiss on the lips. We dragged out asses on the sofa for a romantic morning. Its how most mornings should start. It was never this way with Rob, like I said, dull and lifeless. Jonathon had the most beautiful blue eyes and I loved staring at them, looking in them. Jonathon found me attractive and sexy and kissable, among other things. It was a marathon of kissing and touching and...you know. Something Ive not experienced in a long time. Jonathon is set on seeing me again which is a great feeling, a mutual feeling. Telling me Im witty and a great person to talk to and the same goes with him. He makes me smile and laugh. A date gone well was nice. What I did that evening with Jonathon was something I very rarely do, but am glad I took the plunge. When Rob would meet up it would be for anonymous faceless slutty behavior and would then find his way back to me, Im not that trashy. There is a face, a personality and sexual lust between the two of us, that Rob and I experience only in the beginning, as sex the last 10 years together was boring as all hell. My night with Jonathon was like nothing I experienced with Rob for the longest time. Being able to touch him as I pleased was new to me again. Rob was fickle on how he could be touched in the physical manner. With Jonathon, this wasnt the case. Im looking forward to getting to know Jonathon and having more fun with him. A cute guy with a great personality who likes me, really likes me...Rob I may have loved til the end, but I didnt like Rob, he wasnt my kind of people anymore...
x

The Joke Really Was On Rob...

Seems to me that I'm not ready for anything beyond friendship. This is something Rob left with me, insecurity to commit or trust - I have a special friend whom i think the world of but cant let it go past what it currently is. Thoughts of spending all my time with him fill me up with a joyous yet scary feeling. Do I want to invest that time into someone again, at this point in my life? I think back to what happened with Rob, rather, what Rob did to me and really, don't wanna go there again, not for a long time. I'm not saying my special friend would do that..but who can say. The first night we hung out, when he leaned over to kiss me, was magical. Not wanting to leave me until his lips were satisfied, made me sleep with a smile on my face. Feeling his lips on mine was so sensual. Rob left me with feelings that all queers are like him. Though Ive come to realize through new friends, that it isn't necessarily so, when push comes to shove, in respect to letting someone in my life, to that capacity, I freeze. Spending time with this special friend is something I look forward to. Ive told him, how hes the type of guy who, i would drop everything to be with, hang out with. Even going for a coffee, or running a quick errand is an adventure in fun. Flopped on my sofa, watching a comedy program, enjoying a laugh together is a sweet feeling. I remember those with Rob, sure at that point it was as if there was nothing else in the world. Only to find that I was enjoying my time, with the most selfish, promiscuous(unbeknown to me at the time) untrustworthy person I had ever met. Rob played the best game on me and got away with it for too many years. As Ive said, I had enough and got the balls to move on, get rid of him and realize I'm worth so much more. Friends have made me realize this. Men interested in me, have made me realize this. Though I wont let this special friendship go any deeper at this time, I also feel I'm not ready. In my mind I like to think I am, but when those romantic interludes take place, when its that moment where I'm feeling very wanted, I kinda pull back, with someone special. A one night stand is a one night stand. Who remembers the names? Its a mutual thing that we really only want one thing from each other. During my first summer alone, after meeting a few guys here and there, when they didn't call back, or I didn't have the desire to call them back, nothing was lost. I didn't care. With this friend I don't want to lose him from my life. Its just started and weve hit it off on the right foot, and Id like for it to stay that way, until I may feel I want more. Recounting tales of days gone by with Rob is more of a joke these days. Though he is the one who put me through hell with his slutty shenanigans, the joke really was on him!
x

Dust To Dust....

Another summer weekend of fun, that isn't over just yet. Today I will spend the afternoon with my friend. I really look forward to seeing some of the new people in my life, with such anticipation! I remember when I was with Rob...we all look forward to the weekends, not when I was with Rob! Time for fun, time to relax from the week of work and so on. When I was with Rob, the last 5, 6 and even 7 years, there was never anything to look forward to. Our weekends were so predictable, life in general was predictable, but the weekends were the worst. It was always the same...wake up whenever, sit around have coffee and flop in front of the TV for a few hours. At around 2pm or so, get changed and go out to run the same old errands....be home usually by 4 or so...dinner and a spliff and the evenings in front of the tube. This is when i would retreat to my desk, which was in the living area, but I would float away into my own world. A world and a life I was missing out on. Never anything fun or new to tell people when they asked, "How was the weekend" - it was always the same. Today and for the last 10 months or so, life has taken a turn. Just about every weekend, theres some tale to tell...People seem more interested, as the tales have changed. Rob probably still lives in the routine we were in. Doing nothing but sleeping and flopping in front of the sofa, til the weekend was over, and then back to the daily grind of the work week. I'm sure he is still the promiscuous whore still, the late night anonymous hook up with face less strangers....That will never change I'm sure. I recall one tale he told me. He went to meet some guy for a hook up - did the deed, Rob then called a cab. The trick of the night said the cab had arrived, when in fact it hadnt. Rob was left out in the cold to wait, poor slag. He was just a play thing for the trick of the night. This is not the same with me, thank god. Being out with my friend the other day, til past 3am, laughing and talking, messing around and drinking...good times. The last 2, 3 weeks or so, after meeting my friend Patrick, nights out during the week have happened as well. Interesting as Ive not done that, not for a long time. Rob and I were lucky to step out on weekends, apart from the routine outings, during the weekend, let alone Monday to Friday! I so look forward to my encounters, escapades with my new friends. Some of these friendships are already cemented as true friendships, and building and working on others. Life seems so simple these days, its how I am, it how I want to live. The most drama I have these days is, "Does he like me?" - not in a relationship way, but as friend as a person. Its nice to be myself with new friends. Its not til I can shoot my mouth off and not offend, that I know its a good friendship. People who get my twisted sense of humor. The guy I went out with Friday, whom Ive known for about a year, tells me I'm a true character, and in a good way. That's so nice to hear, nice to know I can be Franco, and be liked at the same time. Today as Ive mentioned Ill spend it with my friend Patrick who, over the last month or so, has brought something special into my life....Something I haven't felt in such a long time. The laughter in genuine, the feelings of wanting to be with him are genuine, scary and new, but all good. With Rob there was no wanting to spend time with him alone, especially near the end. I couldn't wait for him to be gone and now he has vanished - as in death they say,
"Ashes to ashes and dust to dust"...
x

Rob Was Never Any Good - My Life Is Better!

The last few days have been a roller coaster of fun -
From Sunday night madness, to drink with a good friend, drinks the next night with a guy im interested in. Its been different. Its been fast living!! Ive enjoyed it and need time to recoup. Life is so interesting these days. Having told old friends of feelings towards someone new in my life, I was told how, even they(my friends know), I havent felt "special" in a long time. One friend said how, Rob and I should have split a long time back. How Rob did nothin but cause drama the last little while. Having told this "special" friend that Im not lookin for a relationship was tough. This one person has me all ga ga. I feel so good when Im with him. Hes attractive, sexy and most of all, makes me laugh like no other, in a long long time. Ive put up my wall, but seems that this guy is tearing it down, but I hold strong and too my word. One night stands are one thing, to let someone in my life like I would with him, is scary. Ive never let anyone in my home, anyone "special" at least. With this new guy, I opened my door right away. Nothing will come of it, as I wont let it, but its nice to have found someone who can make me feel so good. Getting to know people the way I am with this "friend" is refreshing. Im done with the trashy types like Rob. I love getting dolled up for this guy, but its all a psychological, hard to get phase. I hope it doesnt go beyond that. I dont want to get hurt again. Rob did a good enough job of that. Rob is the one whose made me less trusting, and not wanting to let anyone in my life. Its nice to meet guys who I would allow in my home. Who I would easily trust with certain things, though again, that wall I have up, my guard, is tough one to break down. Rob ruined me in many ways, Ive helped myself. Ive grown to understand some things in regards to men. A good guy like my new friend, is hard to find. Baby steps is where its at, at the moment and its all good with me. Rob, was never any good & my life is much better!

1 Year On - Kicks Ass!

I made a comment a few entries ago about it being a year since I last spoke to Rob, that was the day we passed by each other. I was wrong, a month premature. Today, July 15th, marks 1 year when Rob confessed to me, rather answered the question, if he had cheated on me, to which he responded yes. 365 days since my world turned upside down. If you've read this blog, especially after that day, you will see how much has changed, what twists and turns my life has taken, all for the better, than it was 366 days ago. I will mark this anniversary of sorts, with a night out with a new, special friend. Its nice to have this special friend, its brought more sunshine into my life. Ive said it before how, someone new whom I am slowly getting to know, has made me feel, makes me feel so special and much more laxed than I was with Rob. Sure there was ease with Rob, but there were always thoughts. Thoughts that would be confirmed by Rob, negative thoughts. I don't have that today. Its not something I have to think about. Not all homosexuals are trashy like Rob. Ive come to learn this as the months have passed. Sure Ive met some trash, it cant be avoided. What can be avoided is letting them into my life and this I haven't let happen. I have a few special friends whom I think the world of. Again, never did I think this would be the case. This new chapter has had very few let downs. Sure there is the odd "blah" phase I/we go through. These phases are easier to deal with these days. With Rob, the question was always, "when will it happen again?" - "What will I found out next?" - thinking things couldn't get worse with Rob, they always did. I have buried the last 15 years of my life with Rob. Patrick, a friend, is amazed how we dont even speak after all this time. I'm the one who went through it, no one else, that I know of. Again I can openly talk about experiences from my past, which include Rob, but the fact that he is in any of these tales, is due to his stupidity. I laugh at things more these days. I told a friend how, I have erased Rob from my past, to this they are amazed. Ive said it before, and its not to play victim as I'm so not that, its to be honest and truthful. No one ever has hurt me like Rob did. When I was dating Doug 17+ years ago, I found out he was cheating on me, I left, it was over and it was done with. I never saw him again and cut the cord. It wasn't a back and forth, "is he with someone again?" - I ended it and it was enough. Rob went through a cycle, a 15+ year cycle, a repetitive cycle that would never end. The mind fucks he played on me had an effect. This is why having my special friend is a blessing. Never did I think I could welcome someone like him in my home, but I have. Its a nice feeling and look forward to more evenings like I will have this evening. Dating Rob was an experience yes...an experience I never wish to relive!
1 Year on...kicks ass!!
x

Until I Shook Our World..

Well it seems the heatwave has lifted, for now. 5 days of intense heat brought on extreme laziness, that too has lifted. Last night I went out with some friends, celebrating ones birthday, we again, with one person in particular, discussed relationships. This friend of friends, yesterday had split with he boyfriend of a few months, and they were living together. In between courses I would go out for a smoke, taking different people with me. At one point I took a gal pal with me and we discussed how this common friend shouldn't be in a relationship. There are times you are meant to be alone, not committed to anyone. Live your life but don't commit, especially, if you cant. The concept of open relationships, doesn't sit well with me, that isn't commitment. Having gone through the crap Rob put me through, keeps me clear from wanting to get to know anyone to that capacity, though there is Patrick, who I'm enjoying getting to know. He seems a great guy and that will go slowly, ever so slowly. Back to this friend of friends...he would tell of "one off hook ups" while with his boyfriends. I told him how I did not sleep with anyone for 13 years while with Rob, with Rob all the while, doing whatever he wanted, without my knowing. He was clever for a short while, but I caught on. Patrick the other day said, it was sort of my fault. I guess for sticking around. I told a friend how my relationship with Rob should have ended about 3 years earlier than it did, if not earlier than that, as he had cheated on me back in the 90's and numerous times. If you cant keep your pants on when you share your bed with someone, when you devote yourself to someone, you are not to be in a relationship. What is the point?? I'm old fashioned and again, proud of that. My definition of "a relationship" is the boy meets girl scenario or rather boy meets boy. If you're just dating I can understand seeing other people. Dating doesn't imply commitment unless its discussed. No unspoken words in that situation. It has to be made clear. Once Rob asked me to be his boyfriend on that fateful night in Aug 93, I swore off other guys and did so, right through til 2006. I am proud to say that. That I was faithful and trustworthy throughout my time. Rob like this friend of friends, shouldn't be in a relationship. If its a status thing, its the wrong reason. It was nice to say to people that I had been in a relationship as long as I was until I found out the truth. Now its almost an embarrassment. More for the fact that I knew, Rob knew, that our relationship was tainted due to his early infidelities. That would change the course of our time together. Trust was gone and I made it clear to Rob, yet I stuck around. I guess this would be why Patrick would say, to a point, it is my fault. Putting myself through all that. I guess to an extent I can understand that, but dont buy it ha ha. I know I should have left Rob years ago. It wasnt a money thing, or a sexual thing, it was that he became my best friend. I said it before that Rob lost his best friend and I lost mine cuz he stabbed me in that back. Nothing could have carried on in a normal way, once that had happened. I recall many times calling Rob a whore or a slag. He was. Its was he always was and would remain to this day. In ending this, the friend of a friends, is promiscuous, thats his deal. Rob was very promiscuous, and thats fine, so long as he isnt committed to anyone. Ive learned lots within the last year, Rob never learned as things never changed...Until I shook our world...
x

He Has Nothing To Be Proud Of..

Wow!! 4 days of non stop outings, get togethers, drinking, eating, loud music and crowds...has ended. Spent everyday of those 4 days with the greatest of people. The best was yesterday when my best gal pals joined me here in the heart of all the action. Having them around was nice and wished it didn't end. Having met a new friend, that I mentioned in a previous post, who I invited over to spend the day with us...the conversations were good and stimulating, something I long for, stimulating conversation. We(my new friend and I) were telling tales of Friday night, going through crowds, under the influence of alcohol and such...laughing about bumping into the wrong people. Ive told my new friend, whose name is Patrick, about the bitterness of my last relationship with Rob, he likes to analyze that situation, I guess, in an interesting way. I told, as we went through the crowds, how the other week I walked right by Rob without a word spoken. No sooner did I say that, that Patrick was spotted by his ex who hadn't spoken to in about 7 years or so. While sitting on the balcony yesterday with all of us together, he asked the girls if they knew my ex, and then told the story of bumping into his. We spoke about a neighbour of mine who we have known for years and used to work with. He recently broke up, and we think it was a mutual split, amicable...one friend said, "you see they can end on a good note." - Sure they can, Ive had "happy endings" - with Neil for example. But what Rob did to me, the lies, the infidelities and what not, it couldn't possibly end in a good way. The girls even told Patrick, what a bitter end to my relationship after 15 years. I'm proud that I don't need Rob, better still, the fact that I don't want to know him, of him...anything. Its funny to tell stories of days gone by and like Ive said, I'm more comfortable these days telling the tales, I think that's due to my being so over it. Patrick thinks that I will get over the bitterness, I'm sure I will, its nothing I think about really. I do know I want to never see or speak to him and that part, not speaking to him, I have total control over. Patrick has quickly grown on me which is nice. Its as if I want to hang out more and seems he wants the same. A "gay"bourhood friend. He makes me laugh and we have a good time together so far. Tim was also down this weekend and we hung out both times he was around. A laugh on Saturday evening was great. Hours of laughter and bitchy comments towards each other, in a friendly way, which sort of confirms we are pretty solid as friends . We can laugh and have a good chat, drink or dance the night away or just laugh and have a good time. I'm pleased with how this weekend went and long for more of these weekends. I hope and pray that, the ex had a miserable pride weekend, cuz really, he has nothing to be proud of.
x

An Awesome Night...

Pride 2010 is upon us...I'm not one to scream my pride, that's not my style...but I love a good party and could care less whose throwing it and the why...lol. Last night was no exception. I went out with a "new" friend. We met up for a bite earlier in the day and then he decided he wanted to get together later on in the evening, I obliged. The night was spent laughing like I haven't in eons. A wicked sense of humor had me in stitches for the most part of the evening and early morning. The night was ended an a great note, plans to see each other again. This friend & I have been yakking for about a year or so on MSN...for whatever reason when he messaged me yesterday asking to go for a bite I said yes, I never do that, but was feeling up to a challenge. We hit it off, which I guess is why he asked to meet up later on. Back at my place after a few drinks, watching the madness down below was nice...sorta romantic as well. Now I made it clear I don't "hook up" - so I stick to my word. I guess psychologically its sorta playing hard to get at the same time. I wont be any ones play thing...that's my decision to make. So if they re interested they'll go for the chase ha ha. I had a feeling the way he was looking at me during lunch that he may be interested. Anyways, the night ended with a lip lock and got real close to it going further, but didn't want to be a hypocrite, not to myself at least, so it stopped. He was sweet, as he left the apt, waiting for the elevator, I being the good host waited as he waited for the lift. Taking as long as it did, he came back for another "good night kiss" - it was very sensual but had to stop it from going beyond. I cant let anyone in to that extent, that easily. People talk ya know ha ha. But its nice it was a great feeling. Something Ive missed for a while. I wouldn't technically call it a date, but in an odd way it was. He asked a million questions about my ex, and the lifestyle we led. He was sorta shocked at some of the things I said, but chalked it all up to experience, bad at that, but none the less...We left off with plans to meet up again. It makes me nervous as I never know if I will give in and have that be the wrong thing. I don't want to shag and just be left, but then I'm not looking to get involved, so what is my hesitation? I want someone to be with me cuz they are attracted to some part of me - I don't want be just "a body", there for play and then go, I had enough of that with Rob. I'm cool with 1 night stands, but that's usually with complete strangers - last night was different to a degree, getting to learn about one another, interested in what we each had to say, it was different and nice and didn't want to spoil that... I will carry on with the "festivities" this weekend, meeting up with other friends, so maybe it will take away from thoughts of last night. I haven't done the pride things since about 6-7 years back, with Rob and it was dull at that, so i never wanted to venture out, but last night was awesome and if its any indication of the rest of the weekend, I will definitely need Monday to recoup -
Thanks for an awesome night, u know who you are....
x

A Bad Love Vanished * Perfect!

This weekend is weird, a holiday near weeks end, so its, work, no work, work, weekend, day off...this a "clouded entry";)
Today I went out with a friend for lunch and a few drinks. An early evening cuz I wanted to be home and chill as tomorrow is "work". Regardless a great day was had. Its weird how, when in conversation with my friend, it flows so nicely and a good laugh a good time is had. Its nice to come home feeling good and that time was well spent. My friend went on about finding me a boyfriend. Now this is the friend who encouraged me to "get out there" and usually when Ive gone out, its been with him, usually. Anyways, I did look across at this rather large patio, in general. To be honest, nothing out there caught my interest, but when I go out its not for that purpose so I may have been in a different mindset? I have another "email pen pal" who suggests that the only reason to go to bars or clubs is to get picked up...This I don't believe this as my objective when I go out, is to just have a good laugh with company. I thought I would be one of these, relationship to relationship type. This is at least how it happened, or seemed. At this point, a year on, I have 0 desrire to be involved with anyone. The friendship I have with the friend I went out with today, is the closest Ive let anyone in...and theres nothing other than flirting between us, which works. Its weird how being with this friend, I feel more comfortable with him, than I did for the last while with Rob. I couldn't laugh the way I do today. I think being happier in general helps. Words aren't misconstrued, humor is understood. I know my friend cares for me too which is a nice feeling. I have my group of friends, which are shared, this friend is all my own, so its a great feeling. I told him I spoke highly of him, and I do. With Rob I never just said good things. I would bitch about things he would, or irritate me with. It's also nice that I can be me. When Ive met people, I always have to watch how the react to certain things. One thing I am not, is an activist of any kind. I will support things, but that's it. With gay pride in the days ahead, while sitting at the patio, we kept hearing, "Happy Pride", kiss kiss,...We both were annoyed by that. I was thrilled!!! Rob on the other hand would have gotten really insulted at that, as if pride is, "New Years"? Regardless and in short, its nice I can have such a nice time and not think of anything other than that. No arguments, no bitching, no bitterness. A true friend I have.
A bad love vanished * Perfect!
x