Ive Got My Power Back!

To say daytime TV is horrid is an understatement....but, while watching one of these chat shows, they were going on about cougars..where this or how this plays a part in this blog or posting, you will see. One of the said "cougars" said she would never marry anyone again. I know I'm freshly single(and loving it) the thought of investing anytime, into any man or anyone for that matter, isn't a thought on my mind. I was asked late last year to be exclusive with a great guy, but I wasn't feeling it, I didn't want to commit to anyone or anything. So I have had opportunity to get back into the relationship saddle, but I'm not feeling it these days. That's not to say it wont happen one day but again, its not a thought in my mind, don't want or need it now. As Ive said, this is my time and only for me. A good time is being had, but it will end there, I'm not committing to anyone but myself. Anyways....one of these cougars said that through her 20's and 30's, she raised her kids, she played the happy housewife etc...she is now doing what she should have been doing back then in her 20's etc. She eventually divorced her husband as things hadn't worked out...sound familiar. Though I had no kids, I did and lived like I thought I should have, having Rob as my partner. The cougar divorced in her late 30's, and my split took place in my late 30's...She said she is now living like she should have. She took care of her responsibilities, as did I, until I realised that Rob wasn't being a responsible partner, in the faithful sense, so the changes were made. Months later I realise that it was my time, time for me...to forget about the last 15 years, to not even give Rob the satisfaction that my life had turned upside down. Sure it was for a few weeks..I was out and about again in August of last year, having had the last conversations in mid July. Again it was the final conversation that I had with Rob that confirmed my suspicions of the years prior, that made me move on. Those first few weeks of despair and loneliness, sitting here with time as my enemy has flipped completely and has been this way for the last 6 months or so. Its funny as it seems much longer than just that...I will say that although I come across with massive confidence, that I don't have, but its good to know that I give that off. I do feel at times I'm not worthy of being with certain people, but then I think the same of them, they aren't worthy of being with me, so it works both ways. The confidence is something I'm working on, and people around me help me with that as well. Ive had the odd 20 something year old interested, but I'm realistic and let them know from the get go that there could never be anything between us, a cougar I am not :) The cougar though on the TV chat show said, "I have my power back" and that sums it up...Ive got my power back, I know I am worthy of having good people in my life, this I discovered a few months back, this is something I no longer need to be told. What will not be happening ever again is what happened for 15 years of my life. My self power and self worth are shining bright and will continue to do so. In turn, I hope Rob realizes what a fuck up he really is, a social outcast and waste of space and cells. This is one thing I know for sure of Rob. Never will I be associated with anyone remotely close to what Rob was. I made that mistake and lived it to wrong - To quote the cougar again -
Ive go my power back! and rid myself of trash that dragged me down for the better part of 10+ years...that was Rob!
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Long live honesty - Something Rob knows nothing of...

Having discussion with friends in regards to relationships falling apart, we discussed or were discussing the tell tale signs of a cheat. Having lived with one, being with one for 15 years, I have a slew of signs that I now see as signs of his cheating ways. I remember Rob was always protective and nervous when I picked up or wanted to use his cell phone. There are stories of late in the British press of a couple, on the verge of a break up due to "sex texting". I can almost bet that Rob was up to this as well, and this I say because, of his being nervous whenever I went for his phone. I mean he did it when he had his land line, what was to say he wasn't with cell...he was. He was at liberty to use mine with no hesitation - I had nothing to hide. When he got his laptop, which he asked me to order...he would complain about certain things. I would tell him to bring it by and I would look at it, it never happened...why? Well as the weeks passed after I kicked him out, I discovered him flashing his vile corpse on cam 4, a pornographic web cam site. Before Rob got his laptop, he would use my PC, only with my supervision as he had sent "hook up" emails in the past. He always acted like a child when I would tell him that he couldn't use my PC. Well if you didn't do shit behind my back, and worse than that, deny it when I caught you, things may have been different, but they weren't. I recall going through his bags when I had the chance, finding numbers, but worse off Viagra, this is noted in an earlier post. Though I have been given slack in the past for doing this, Rob was stabbing me in the back, I had every right to see what was going on, no matter how I found out. Those were more secrets that Rob held against me, away from me. His fear of bumping into people when we were out, now seem like he didn't want to bump into anyone he could have possibly met, late at night after leaving my place. I recall the front passenger seat in the car being at different settings, it was always his mother? I'm sure it was. My only advice to people who think that their partner is messing around, is to go with your gut feeling. For years I knew and had more than enough hints to know Rob was a cheating whore, so I should have done what I did last May, back in 1999 let alone 2009! Once a cheater always a cheater. I have no compassion, or sympathy for people like Rob. Rob was and is no different than a crack whore - no sympathy for them, none for Rob. His "victim" role that he played forever was and is an act, for sympathy, possibly for forgiveness, possibly to continue to pull the wool over peoples eyes. It came to an end. Rob was awful at lying and was caught out way too many times for his own good. He gave away, pretty much the fact that he was a cheating slag - A mutual friend once said, "maybe he wants to get caught" - things that make you go hmmm. Maybe he did, or he was just that stupid of a character? I opt for the latter. His cheating ways, is something built up in his DNA, in his family history, his friends before me were like that, he is a product of his disgusting environment. A sad character he is, was and always will be -
Long live honesty - Something Rob knows nothing of...
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He lost alot!...

This weekend brought on family bdays and soirees. Intoxicating to say the least and well needed. The one thing I said to Rob in my letter of closure was that I felt as if not only we had lost each other, but family as well, after all the years together, each was each others. Well as the last 3 years have gone by, I have to say, watching my nieces from birth to the present day, I'm glad Rob isn't around anymore to watch these beautiful kids grow up. They are my nieces, the loves of my life, my reasons to carry on, my reasons to keep being strong and independent. One of the best things in life is new life, watching it happen, watching little minds growing, learning, getting to know you. Children who eventually recognise you, call you and want to be with you, is one of the best feelings life has to offer. I'm glad, as I say, Rob has missed out on this. I know he loved my nieces and again, he lost me and my family. Robs family, no where in the near future will be bringing children into the world. Robs a faggot, his older brothers wife is pretty much menopausal and the youngest is just getting his life/career together, so no kids anytime soon. I'm glad my nieces will have no memory, no recollection of me, with anyone, in their early years at least. The innocence that you see in a kids eyes, in the way they grow up is fascinating and a beautiful thing. Teaching them right from wrong, good from bad is a fun experience, as an uncle at least. I love holding my nieces, them calling my name and wanting to be with me. I'm glad Rob has lost that. My nieces are the best in the world to me, but all uncles say that, but I'm glad once again Rob has lost that. The feelings my 2 little girls have given me, in this time Ive had to myself, has been a tremendous help in moving on as well. They are inspiration to me. I find I'm very protective of them in every way and just want them to enjoy living.. Life is fun, life is good, as long as no bad influences are around. Rob isn't a good influence in any ones life and hope that he never has any impact on any ones life, as that will be a tainted love, tainted life. Life with someone like Robs existence is what has to be avoided in life, in general. Again the honesty and innocence of children is what should carry on through life, beginning to end. Robs lost all of that and of his own doing. Ive lost allot but at the same time gained the wisdom of life, the lessons in love, both true and false loves. No partner can replace the feeling of little ones in life, its a totally different feeling, different love. But for the fact that it is completely a true love, makes it win over any other kind of love. No man can make me feel the way my nieces make feel. That feeling of being thrilled is reserved for my nieces only. The sparkle in their little eyes is something no one can replace. Rob lost alot and again, of his own doing...and deserved.
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Exposed on the WWW....

So a slow few days, recouping and getting back into the swing of things after a long and "different" weekend - no deets needed :) - The other day while on one of my recoup days, I was mindlessly surfing while listening to music. I came by this "cheaters exposed" websites. I had to have a gander. It was basically a website, similar to the show that exposed cheats for who they are. Being the twisted bitch I will always be, I had to have a deeper look, seeing as Ive been cheated on by a "lying bastard" - that's part of the websites title, hence the quotation marks. Being one not to resist an opportunity, I had to post my story. It seemed a legit site as there were other "scorned" people who had posted their dramas. I went on and submitted mine, with gory details of just a few of the incidents. The did ask some odd questions, such as "distinguishing features" - Rob doesn't really have any other than he has no ass and his chest is sunken in...those are feature you would only notice if you saw him in the nude, which isn't a pretty site. I should have mentioned he was bow legged, this can be seen as he would trollop around, so for that, you can notice it clothed. Ive been searching for sites like that and glad I found. I had initially posted a link on this blog directly to that page but thought against it, but it is uploaded for all to see. Ive been asked before, "what would you do if Rob did this to you?" - My response, as always is, that he can go right ahead. What could he possibly say, honestly. He has a twisted recollection of our past. Over the years so many incidents that didn't happen, seemed to happen within Robs mental history but he was wrong. Probably confusing me, with certain tricks of the night. Regardless...apart from being an asshole, once I realised Id been had, there isn't anything he could really say. He would bitch about me being affectionate....how could I be, knowing he had touched other men, kissed, sucked and slept with other men? He should get on his knees and thank his god that I tolerated it as long as I did. Thank the lord, that I let is slide for as long as I did. Thing is I think, that he thought, I would tolerate it forever - WRONG. I put an end to it with just cause, with no regret and no remorse about anything that has happened since. The "Lying cheating bastard" site is one, that someone like me, is grateful to have around. Let the truth be exposed on the WWW.
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I can, as I do...as I will

So here we are, Valentines 2010 - Looks to be a fun one.. Something Ive needed for a long time. Its also Family Day weekend and took care of that yesterday. So tonight I'm meeting up with friends for some grub, drink and dancing away...Its nice to plan a fun evening for a change, usually I wing it with no set "schedule", but tonight is different. I was asked to go out last night as well, but the family raped me of my time last night, but in a good way :) I was asked to go to this "alternative" bar/club, which sounded interesting but again couldn't do it, so I'm hoping to check that out sometime in the near future. I hear it gets kinda "freaky" there, so with my friends, Id be cool with going. Its not somewhere I think I venture out to all by myself ha ha, I'm not that ballsy. Its funny in re reading the story of my life through journals and all, how much more interesting it has become over the last 6 months. A total 360 in comparison to the last 10 years or so. Even Valentines this year will be more fun that it has been, or was, when I had a partner, which sounds so wrong. Valentines with Rob was lame, went un noticed usually. Not that I ever wanted anything as I'm not one of these senti"mental" fags when it comes to shit like Valentines. Again, more for the lust factor that didn't exist between the ex and I. Chatting with a gal pal of mine here the other day, we were discussing people we've dated, sex, one night stands etc...of days gone by to the present. She went on to discuss her worse sexual partner, which was revealing. I in turn voiced my worst. If only for the fact that we spent 15 years together, with no straying on my part, Rob was and is my worst sexual partner. This isn't to be mean, its just honest. I told her how we, one year, didn't have sex at all...His straying ways would later make sense as to why he didn't with me, he was getting it elsewhere, yet carrying on as if nothing. How one year, I was able to count on one hand how many time we shagged...pathetic really. My gal pal was sort of confused as to how that was possible, being to men...In the end Rob wasn't much of a man, in so many ways. Out sex life was pretty much non existent for the better half of the last half of our time together. I remember telling him we should switch "roles" - he almost couldnt bear the thought, almost whimpered "I cant" - not much of man as you can tell. I go either way, Rob on the other hand, as in life in general as well as sex, had no sense of adventure. Again his idea of adventure is meeting faceless strangers for a quick blow/shag. That's just trashy, not adventurous, the adventurous part will come when he is plagued with some queer disease that is headed his way. I hope for valentines this year, that he is home, lonely and realises what a mess of a clump of faggot cells he is. I know that this will be an awesome Valentines day...not in regards to having one, cuz the last thing I want is that. Its about going out and enjoying crowds of people on the dancefloor, bumping and grooving to the music throughout the night. Im looking forward to getting all dolled up and working it as I can, as I do...as I will.

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Rob was neither....

As days go by and I encounter more new people in my life, by many avenues, I think about my "friendship" with a guy I met about 4 years back or so. I met him on line and from day one we clicked. Though an ocean separates us, its nice to know there is a bond that has lasted through the years. We have gone weeks without out chatting, at times and other times its almost a daily thing. Regardless of that, we always have an interest in each others lives. I recall when we were together at a night club and him telling me that, he wished I could stay with him, trust me I still think of that night as it is burned in my memory, and I too wish I had stayed. He's told me that had we met years back, he would have shacked up with me as we have a bond in every aspect. Initially when we met, there was some form of jealousy - not from his flings, more of living a life I wished I was at the time. With Rob in the picture, and the relationship dead in the water, I was desperate to live. As the years passed, my friend and I have grown tight and we both have this desire to get together, to hang out, to have fun. The distance between us, makes it for a more erotic conversation, when we chat. He has mentioned how things are different and only because of the miles between us, otherwise, we would probably hang out alot more...be together as he loves me, as he says. Im realistic when thinking and knowing, it cant be, but knowing that he too wishes the miles werent in the way, makes me feel special, as he tells me. We discuss life as a whole, but the desire to get together is strong. I'm impressed with him as he lives a simple life, just like I like. Hes got that bad boy attitude at the same time and is the true picture of my desires, "Sweet lips and Tattoos" - I regret wasting the last couple of years with Rob as it was just that, a waste. People like my friend, mentioned above bring something out in me, something that makes me realize I am alive!! I have the same desires as every man and woman have. Those are desires that fell on deaf ears when I was with Rob, have resurfaced thanks to some of the people Ive met and primarily my friend abroad. The love between us, my friend and I, is mutual - We know that when one needs to talk, openly, honestly, we are there for each other, anytime of day or night. Theres an odd comfort knowing this. When he chats me up and we discuss living, its a joy for me. I smile knowing hes thought of me. I sent him a souvenir from Africa, a necklace...I sent him this about a year and a half ago...and every photo he has sent on to me, he is wearing that necklace and he tells me how he will never take it off as it means allot to him. I remember buying Rob a ring...it was never to been seen on his finger. My friend abroad is probably the sexiest guy I have ever met! I know a day will come where we will be together again and I look forward to it. I know nothing can come of this as again, an ocean separates us, but just to be able to touch him, hold him and kiss him, will be worth it all. He tells me how he remembers all these specifics about our time together which impresses me as Rob didn't remember such small detail, intimate details. The kiss my friend and I shared, the evening we spent together was a highlight of the last few years, one I will never forget, and one I hope to relive soon -
With Rob, there is nothing I wish to relive as it was all fake as far as I'm concerned, my friend is genuine and remains this way to this day. It goes to show that friends are forever and lovers come and go....To me now...Rob was neither!
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Love Was A Stranger ....to Rob

So we have entered February, the month of love, lust, companionship etc. Although I dumped Rob's ass to the curb, Feb 2007, we continued to live as a couple, in every way, until I got rid of him, back in May of 2009. So technically this will be my first Valentines Day, as a truly, single man. There was always some expectation on Valentines Day of days gone by. With the exception of the first few, between Rob and I, the last 10 or so went hardly unnoticed. I never wanted flowers or chocolates. I never minded a night of lust, showing affection or emotion in a physical way. To me that's where the true bond lies. Well as Ive mentioned before Rob ended up being, to me, the worst sexual partner. Rob couldn't take a hint in regards to sex if it slapped him in the face. Considering the slut he is, he was the lamest lay. Not allowing to be touched in certain erogenous areas, which in the end sorta defeated the purpose of a lustful evening. Many a time, I would rush through our escapades, just to get out of bed with him. It was so routine, never wanting to try anything new. Making out during sex is a true turn on for me, and even that wouldn't happen. He was all good and dandy sucking cock behind my back, but in "our" bedroom - dry sheets. I used to wonder why he would spent the night. We ended up becoming, pretty much, platonic room mates. There was no need to carry on as a twosome...Living and sleeping with Rob, would have been no different, if I had my brother as a room mate. Nothing would happen. If I had to wait for Rob to have sex, I would be a born again virgin. His drive, with me at least was dead. So I felt unattractive, unwanted and in the end felt the relationship at that point had died, in every way. The routine of our lives was so lame, so boring and so lifeless. He would use the excuse of pot, in regards to our social life, but what was the excuse behind closed doors? There was a time when I went away for a month, on a adventure to clear my head, find out about myself etc. Upon my return I expected, wanted a night, one night, of hot sex with my then partner, Rob. I returned in Dec of that year. The month came and went, the new year came and went and nothing. When I questioned him, I got every excuse in the book. He had an "infection" that he didn't have before I left...making me wonder, where he got said infection? Could have been something air born but more than likely, not. Later on, as the weeks passed, he had some other "infection" of sorts, in the nether regions....hmmmm - Now in retrospect, where did that come from? Well if you've read this blog, his shenanigans behind my back, led to this "infection" as well as a few others during our time together. Our friends have no idea about this, but they do now. If he wasn't sleeping with me, in the sexual sense, for months on end, where did these infections come from. This is where anger sets in, I could have gotten those infections. I have to give him the slightest bit of credit for not having sex with me as he would have passed something on to me. I can bet everything i own, these were "social" infections. So good riddens to Rob as this is the actual anniversary of me breaking up with him...and good riddens to putting myself at risk with a walking STD, such as Rob. This Valentines Day, I will be stepping out with a friend...not looking for either lust or love as I'm not looking for the latter at least...I will take it as a night out to have fun on a day that is all about a nice time a good time, and should I get the odd number here or there, the odd Valentines kiss here and there, I welcome it. Ive come to realise over the last few weeks that there are people who are attracted to me, for whatever reason. People who make me feel special and wanted. Something, again, Rob had no clue how to do. Rob was uncapable to love, in anyway, physically or emotionally. His definition of love is twisted and not what it really is. To Rob,
Love is a stranger...
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