Finale Thought....

I'm just on 2 years single, I cant believe its been that long. At times it seems much longer than that, but its only been 2 years. Ive had ups and downs in many way. Ive traveled a bit since my last entry. Ive men met and had drama that I would never have imagined. Its all in the past now. I still have an utter hatred for Robert Sanita and am tickled pink that this blog appears, should you google his name. It will remain up here as long as blogger is around. Its a testament, and a tale of love gone wrong. That's pure and simple. At times I think of how much time Ive wasted when I knew I clearly wasn't happy in the end with Rob, and the lack of trust just killed everything for me. Since my time with Rob Ive met some fantastic people that would never have entered my life if I was still with him. The good times Ive had with them are memories burned in my brain and I haven't had that in years. My mom once told me that she missed Rob...I got sarcastic with a response. The only thing Rob was good at was bringing home money and driving a car. I miss nothing and look back at the memories over the last 18 months or so, with a genuine smile on my face. My time with Rob is so tainted that nothing good is said. All pictures destroyed, all memories, deleted. Though I can talk about it without any sneering if I have to, I still wish I had never met him and that our paths should never cross again....

Final thought:

You're out of fashion
So just forget it now
A living tragedy
Parody
Fits you like a glove


x

Misery On His End Would Be The Best!

Wow I haven't been away this long since the beginning of this blog and no, it ain't over yet -
The last few weeks have been filled with highs and lows(not in a bad way, but a fun way), stepping out with good friends ending summer in the manner I had hoped for when 2010 started. I'm still in cahoots with Jonathon, we always have a good time together. Stopping by the other day with his dogs, was an awesome experience. Ive been behaving or living at a much younger age range than I really am, but if I have to say, its been fun. Sure it has me run down after a while, but days like today I can rest and recoup. Sometimes the fun gets out of hand, but you know, its been years since Ive been able to let me hair down without worry. As Ive mentioned before, Rob was(at least acted) like he was on the straight and narrow, only to find out, after years of speculation, the Rob was in fact the worst person I had ever been involved with. Even Jonathon, in the short period I have known him, is a more honest, forth coming person than Rob was/is. If I ask Jonathon a question, a personal question at that, I am given an honest answer. Regardless if my feeling would get hurt or not, I appreciate the honesty. I told Jonathon that the one thing I have to have in order to keep any type of relationship, whether it be a friendship or relationship, is honesty, 100%. Rob didn't give me that for years. The lies and deceit went on for years and fool that I was, stuck around. That's all a thing of the past. A co worker the other day was reminiscing about a line I use when I'm hungry. She said, "when we would be in the car with Rob..." - I said, those days have been erased from my memory. Asked by another friend if I think of him or miss him. Not at all. What is there to miss really. What good was he in my life the last little while, the longest while? Having to live a life of mistrust and jealousy? That's nothing to be missed. Although I have told Jonathon, I don't want a relationship, not now, I'm not ready, its nice to have met someone like Jonathon, someone to hang with, go for drinks and play around with the pups, is more than enough right now. We are growing tight which is nice. A friendship based on liking the person for the person. Its the same with my fab friend Tim and his current love interest, Dave. Hanging out and being "Franco" is an awesome time. As summer draws to a close I wonder what my social life will be like. I have no issues being an introvert in the colder weather, that and the fact that Ive spent so much cash this summer on nights out. People like Jonathon, or my other friend Patrick who live in the hood or close by is a good feeling. I will continue to hang out with them and get to know them. Enjoy my time with them, good company and a good laugh. I know nothing of Rob over the last few months and with this, I'm cool. Its how I want it. I have honestly been a bit tempted to ask common friends, if they've heard from him. Not because I miss him cuz that is so not the case, but to ensure my life has changed for the better, that my life got better since kicking him out of my life. Misery on his end would the best to hear....
x

Summer 2010 - I Made It My Own...

The last weekend of summer 2010 is here. Summers not officially over but its on its way out when this weekend rolls around. Ive had and am continuing to have fun, more fun this past summer, than Ive had in a long long time. I have lived my life to the extreme. Ive met some great people, been out and social like the person I always was but was suppressed while with Rob. This past summer Ive proved to myself that there is life to live and things to learn and explore. I continue with great friendship with Tim...someone Ive truly come to adore as a person and this he knows. Jonathon and I continue to get to know each other and see each other o n a fairly regular basis. Tim is a fun, yet conservative guy who gets on with me like a house on fire. I certain respects, there are similar qualities between Rob and Tim. The difference being that Tim is a completely honest gentleman with me. Hides nothing and we are just friends. Having gone through the odd drama while having him in my life, hes proven to be there for me in the most trivial of dramas and for that Im greatful. Jonathon is a "different" character and am going up and down on getting to know him. The thought of having someone in my life again in a different capacity is still frightening to me. I dont want to relive, as Ive said a million times over, what Rob put me through. This slow process of getting to know Jonathon is at a pace Im ok with and want it to flourish more. We both like each other, have fun together and enjoy each others company so a good start. For many years, through summer and most of the year really...after the weekends, as Ive said, there was nothing to ever say, we never did anything and lived like monks pretty much. Staying home getting high. Sure I still like doing that, but there is a world out there, life is out there, people are out there. We were shut ins and pathetically wasted many years. Im petty sure Robs pitiful existence is pretty much the same. I'd be blown away to hear otherwise.
Life is faster these days both good and bad I guess. Im glad that I am able to live how I want and make it, no troubles. I really see now a year+ on that Rob really wasnt any good for me in any capacity, well maybe as a driver and one who paid half the rent. I still hate that man for being what he is and doing what he did. I never think of him and glad on that front as well. When there are such wonderful characters in my life like, Tim and Jonathon and few others, why would I dwell on the tragic life I led years back with Rob. A learning experience it was, for all the wrong lessons and reasons, yet something that is stashed away deep in a corner as something more of an embarrassment and waste of my years and energy.
Summer 2010 - I worked it, I owned it and I made it my own!

Life Is What It Should Have Been Years Ago..

A week has come and gone already. Been keeping busy with downtown living. Its incredible how my life is so drastically different!! I think I was home on Wednesday only...lol. Out tonight as well as maybe tomorrow night. Was with Jonathon last night. What a difference in people, between Rob and Jonathon. Now Jonathon and I arent "dating" per se, but would look like it to anyone else. We see each other about once twice a week, when his schedule permits. When we get together its so much fun. We drink and laugh together about dumb stuff. Cute dumb stuff. Waking up next to him has been the best part. Hes adorable even when he sleep where as Rob looked like he was in pain laying there. Sexually its night and day which is awesome - Rob was so lame in comparison its ridiculous but ive explained about Rob sexually. Talking to friends today about the 2, I mentioned that, for the fact that Rob cheated is why I threw him out, otherwise why would I give that up? I explained how one year we had had sex 5 times, how the following year nothing. One friend asked why..I told her, he wasnt shaggin with me, he was out getting elsewhere, just not with me. She asked how long did he do that. I said that it was pretty much the entire time, I remember maybe a 2, 3 year window where I had no suspicions of anything going on. Recalling the letter I posted on the wall at Northcliffe, telling him I found out what he was up to, my friend said that was disgusting. Exactly! And the fool I was who put up with it. Robs disgusting past and present filtered its way into my life and I no longer had time, patience and certainly didnt deserve it! Being with Jonathon, to me is so special. I feel attractive and fun to be with. Seeing this "friendship" is different from others, its nice that someone feels attracted to me to share my bed. Not some ridiculous, slutty one night stand. Staying the night, waking up next to him, cuddling with him, and kissing him, hes an awesome kisser and so gets into it. Rob if he is with anyone, must be boring them in many ways, but sexually for sure. Meeting these new people in my life has put such a spin on my living life. Life in fun, life is what it should have been a long time back.
x

Grateful For This Experience...

This week started on an interesting route. Both exhausting and fun at the same time. Having a get together with a special friend of mine, which resulted with my friend spending the night. Now this is someone fairly new in my life and an interesting character to say the least. We are in the "getting to know one another" phase of this friendship, testing waters, hanging out or going for drinks. A few romantic interludes have occurred, I will admit. Most, if any sexual trysts I've had, have resulted, unfortunately as one timers...So the fact that its on going is new. Sexually, with having Rob as my sexual partner for about 15 years, thats what I compare to or associate with etc. Can I tell you how stiff Rob looks next to this guy and not in a good way?! I was always more sexual than Rob, wanting to try new things, or the more aggressive one. Rob was boring that way. Rob could only be touched in certain places, wouldnt let you "help" him out but it went on. I described one tryst with this new friend to a gal pal as, pornographic, spilling into the next morning. A sexual energy like Robs pales in comparison and think, that more than likely he is still the same. the term, "being with a man" has taken on a different meaning to me. Passion is revived, passion that died way too long back. Meeting someone with such a different character is nice. Not ones that live by protocol...Rob was always trying to "do the right thing", but it, at times irritated me. Im more one to not go or attend something if I didnt want to, and could care less what people would say. Not the best of attitudes maybe, but thats just me :) This new guy seems that way as well. Its nice to want to get to know someone you want to get to know. Someone who wants to see you, its a great feeling. This morning, could possibly the last time I see this friend, you never know, but he made me experience something I hadnt in such a long time. Feeling attractive and interesting is a new feeling as well. With Rob, I felt unattractive, non sexual and pretty much just an object that shared a living space. With this new friend of mine, I feel attractive, intelligent, witty and sensual. Im taking things slower than ever and again, anything can happen in a good way or bad way, but am grateful for this "different" experience.
x

Im Living In True Happiness..

Yesterday I went to the wedding of 2 dear friends of mine. We all knew it would happen and it was great to see the day finally come and them 2 so happy, was also an honor to be invited, so to them I say, thank you.
Looking at the 2 of them, thinking back all the years Ive known them, theyve been together as long as Ive known them. Regardless, they have ups and downs, do separate things, their own lives and their lives together. It's nice to see and nice to know it exists out there, true love and happiness. If I have to think back to my days with Rob, there was so much wrong. Ive said it a million times before on this blog, actually I will continue to always say it, as its how the cookie crumbled. There was no trust and thats the biggest thing for me, and people in my life. I dont like liars and people I cant trust. My newly married friends never had an issue with this. Years back when we were all "dating" our other halves, at the time, we used to be called, "The First Wives Club". Lunch would be a bitch fest about the old "ball and chain". My main deal with Rob was sex and trust. Others would have issues with the other half, working late too often, money woes and so on. Never did the gal pals I lunched with, ever mention turst as an issue. Catching them with numbers, pills in purses, strange messages, emails sent. Rob was the one guilty of these actions. For this reason, well the trust issue, for this reason and only this reason, our time together was a sham as Ive mentioned before. Wishing to be as happy as I saw my friends yesterday, was not possible with Rob. It could never be as the single most important key element wasnt there and hadnt been for too many years. Ive said before how Rob and I were in "habit" form, there no longer was a relationship per se, it was going through the motions and that became tiresome after his antics never let up. The year and a bit I have been alone, has been adventurous, at times, confusing, a time of self discovery, the day to day survival in the big city... making it through everyday - not at all like the last 15 before this. Im a different person, a person I love, a person and a character I enjoy. Relationships, though not in one and no desire, the thought of them terrifies me. My "trysts" sometimes scare me as Ive met some great guys, in many ways, and Im a sucker and can fall fast. Intelligent, different, sexy and sweet and all real men. The different part is probably one of the most attractive traits in a man. Different to Rob was almost taboo. Funny how things turn, the road you end up traveling on.
In ending this entry...Im thrilled for my friends who fully committed to each other yesterday, I wish them a life of happiness and its nice to know, for the time being at least, in my life, Im living in true happiness!
x

The 13th Should Have Been A Sign....

I realized last night as I was stepping out for a night out, that it was my old anniversary with that whore, Rob. Figures we got together on a Friday, the 13th of August, back in 93...here we are, same day of the week etc...odd. So I decided what better way to celebrate my freedom from that scum but with a night out with a friend of mine. A fun time was had last night, going to bars I don't generally go to, being introduced to some funny characters that made the night colorful. The end of the night was spent on the road, yakking to people, familiar faces and a good laugh and one too many vodkas and water, but hey I was celebrating :)
Life the last few weeks has been some what, fast living. I need to slow it down if only for my pocketbook but it has been allot of fun. This is the summer of me and I'm living it.
I have a boy im into and he is as well, so slowly we are getting to know each other and that too is a nice feeling. Being as happy as I have been the last few months, makes me wonder what my life would have been like, if a) I had stayed with Rob, and b)if I had dumped him years back when I should have. The latter is what I should have done but fear of the unknown more than likely delayed that. Although living where I do now, I feel away from friends and family, it is an experience in living alone. When I threw Rob out, sure I was then at Regal Rd all alone, but friends were literally around the corner. Here in my neck of the woods these days, Im getting to know people in my area, none I would call friends just yet, but I am slowly getting there, quicker than it happened at Regal Rd. If I had stayed with Rob I would have been living a miserable existence , especially having experienced what I have this summer alone. Friday the 13th, used to be a special day for me, years ago. Today I realize that its a jinx, its bad luck and that should have been a sign almost 20 years back!